Since I talked about the way we conflate submission and femininity last week, let’s talk about some more of the consequences of that idiocy this week.
If submission is fundamentally feminine, then acting more feminine is both a way to make a person more submissive and a way to display how submissive you are. I think this is one of the reasons the whole sissy thing is so common. If the only way you know of to be submissive is to be feminine, of course you’re going to assume you need to be more feminine. Just ignore the details of what I actually want, as a straight woman attracted to masculinity. Not that I’m bitter about the stupid gender roles that convince submissive men that they should dress and act in the way most likely to turn me off.
Of course, there’s more going on there, like the idea that fetishes can come from fears. What’s scarier than not being manly enough? In some ways sissification is just another form of small penis humiliation or cuckolding, an eroticized fear. It’s probably not a coincidence that those three kinks so often go together.
Speaking of cuckolding, one of the things that makes that such a common trope in the female dom, male sub world is the idea that a submissive man isn’t a real man, therefore a dominant woman needs a “real” man to sexually satisfy her. Humiliation and an intense demonstration of how powerless he is for the sub, a good fuck for the dom, what’s not to love? Lots.
For starters, I’m hugely offended by the idea that all women are sexually submissive at heart and can only be satisfied by being dominated in bed. Also thoroughly offensive is the idea that submissive men are too weak and girly to provide a woman with a good hard fuck. Newsflash: being submissive doesn’t mean your muscles magically atrophy. What is so goddamn complicated about the idea that giving it to your woman in whatever position she likes until she’s good and done with you is a submissive act? If you’re doing it exclusively on your dom’s say so, it’s not a dominant act. I’d rant more about the idea that any act is fundamentally dominant or submissive, but that’s a separate post.
Back at the issues with submission being equated with femininity, it seems like a common part of being submissive is the desire to be desired, as in these quotes:
Axe: “Maybe that’s why I respond so strongly to being objectified as a sex-object. Something wanted and desired so badly that she can’t help but just fucking take me. “
Peroxide: “One of the big draws of D/s for me is that I see Dominance as an expression of desire, hand over all the control to my partner and she still wants me, wants my body, that’s incredibly hot.”
It makes total sense that submissive people of any gender would want to be desirable. As I understand it, to be submissive is to want to be pleasing to your partner. It’s a lovely idea, but it gets all twisted and rotten where an interest in power exchange meets our culture’s deeply fucked up ideas about gender and desire.
If women are the only ones who can ever be desired, then to be desirable you have to be feminine. Given the lack of any examples of male desirability, it makes sense to assume that the only way you’ll ever get to hear about how hot you are, how delicious you look, is to make yourself feminine. It’s just heartbreaking to me to think that so many submissive men believe the only way they can be seen as beautiful is to force themselves to be something they’re not. It’s especially sad given that for me, masculine submission is the hottest thing there is.
Thanks to our fucked up ideas about gender, submissive men get to think they’re not real men, that they’re unfuckable, unlovable, pathetic, and good for nothing but being humiliated about their lack of manhood while their partners fuck other people. Gee, I can’t imagine why submissive men would have so much trouble accepting the fact that they’re submissive.