Bottoming as a Step on the Way to Topping

LilyLloyd wrote this amazing post about how “The whole born dominant bullshit is… well, bullshit”. It’s fantastic and you should read it right now. And it gets better! A Feminist Sub left this brilliant comment:

Really interesting post! I do have to say that I have a problem with the old Leather idea of bottoming as a step on the way to topping, because I think it conveys an idea that topping/domming is more valuable than bottoming/submitting. Like subs are simply people who couldn’t cut it as doms.

I don’t *think* that was the intended message with that tradition, but I do think that it’s contributed to domism in contemporary BDSM culture – I think the “standards” for calling oneself a dom are much higher than for calling oneself a sub. To be a sub, you just need submissive desires – to be a dom, you need credentials. Hence all the ranting about how there are no “real doms.” And I think that’s another reason that it seems like there are so many more doms than subs.

That blew my mind. It makes so much sense, but somehow I just never saw it before. Of course we don’t see submission as valuable in its own right if we treat it like it’s just a stage you go through before you reach the real goal of becoming dominant.

Why don’t we ever suggest that submissive/bottom type people try topping? We tell tops all the time that you should bottom before you top. It’s certainly true that there are lots of things you can learn by bottoming, but there are also plenty of things you can learn from topping. I can tell someone I really do want to hear about what my bottom wants until I’m blue in the face, but if they try topping it might click for them that’s it really is helpful to get some feedback.

Then again, it would totally destroy the dominant mystique if any lowly submissive could pick up a flogger and try it out for themselves. Anyone can bottom after all, it’s only the chosen few who can top. And if you actually believe that, there’s a Nigerian Prince who would like to speak with you, you poor stupid fuck.

Assuming that just anyone can bottom but topping is special is pretty much the dictionary definition of domism. With how passionately I hate the idea that I’m somehow more worthy because I decided to call myself dominant, I’m amazed and kind of disturbed that I never saw it before. I should know better, but I just didn’t see until A Feminist Sub pointed it out. This is how ingrained domism is in BDSM culture, and this is why I rail so hard against it when I see it.

Happy Birthday, Not Just Bitchy!

Okay, so I’m a little late – my first post was actually on June 10th, 2011. Still, I’m impressed that I actually manged to keep this up for a whole year. In the beginning I was worried that I would run out of things to rant about, but it turns out there’s no end to the stupid shit people will pull.

The main thing I’ve learned from a year of blogging is that it’s actually not that hard. Granted, I don’t follow any sort of schedule and frequently go weeks without a post if I’m not feeling inspired, but the urge to write always comes back sooner or later. For everyone out there who thinks they could never start a blog, that’s exactly what I thought before I started mine. Just give it a shot, you’ll do fine.

If you have a post in you that wants to be free but you’re not ready to start a whole blog you should check out Dishevelled Domina’s help wanted page or contact me. If you want to rage about something, my blog is likely to be a good place for your vitriolic rant. If you’re a nicer person than I am, DD’s blog might be a better home for your post.

I also learned something really interesting about writing – sometimes when a post just isn’t coming no matter how much I struggle with it, it’s because there’s something else I need to write first. Once I get that other post written, the first one will flow much more easily. I really didn’t expect that. I guess I just have a one track mind; whatever’s on top of my mental queue needs to come out first or everything gets all jammed up.

In the next year I’m planning to post a little more often if not more reliably, add some book reviews, hopefully point out some good femdom porn, and maybe even write a little porn of my own.

Finally, thank you so much to all the readers who’ve refused to give up on me. Without you, this blog would just be a journal.

Journalism FAIL

Seeing as it’s been all over news here in the great white north, it’s finally time for me to talk about the fact that the media has decided to demonize a member of the RCMP for participating in (as far as anyone seems to know) consensual BDSM. Apparently some douchebag leaked his FetLife photos to the news, who proceeded to have a field day making shit up.

Even more unfortunately for the beleaguered Cpl. Jim Brown, he had a small role in the Pickton (also known as “The Pig Farmer Killer”) investigation, which the media has run wild with.

There have already been a few more balanced articles written, as well as plenty of blog posts, but why let that stop me from ranting?

First, it turns out the the more explicit photos leaked aren’t even of Cpl. Jim Brown. Fact-checking, motherfucker, have you heard of it? What kind of moron publishes photos without making sure they know who is in them?

Second, the ‘connection’ with the Pickton case is tenuous at best. Again, research is good for you. Anyone with the slightest familiarity with the BDSM scene could have told the author that knife play, cages, abduction scenarios, and rape play are all extremely common in the scene. Even if Cpl. Jim Brown is into those types of play, which is by no means clear (hey, did I mention the more extreme photos weren’t even of him?), I haven’t seen any evidence whatsoever that his alleged interest in say, rape play has anything to do with anything he might have seen during the Pickton investigation. If there were any evidence that the Corporal actually intended to reenact anything he saw during the Pickton investigation, that would be newsworthy. If there was any evidence that Cpl. Jim Brown had actually fucked up his part of the investigation, that would be newsworthy.

Third, the assumption that to be a straight male top is to hate women is both stupid and insulting. No doubt there are some straight male tops who do hate women, but there are some of every conceivable type of man who hate women. If there are any allegations that Cpl. Jim Brown has mistreated any of his female coworkers (a problem which doesn’t appear to be unusual in the RCMP), by all means, let’s hear it. If there’s any evidence that the woman or women in the photos didn’t enjoy participating in them, by all means, let’s hear it. Honestly, it took me about 30 seconds to google “S&M” and find out that the first sentence of the first result is “Sadomasochism is the receiving of pleasure—often sexual—from acts involving the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation.” (emphasis mine). Gee, it sounds like a scary looking photo doesn’t automatically mean that the people in it don’t enjoy what they’re doing. And of course, no one has ever had a scary looking photo taken on a roller coaster or in a haunted house. No one has ever careened down a mountainside on a bike or rapelled down a building or gone skydiving or ziplining or whitewater rafting or any number of ‘dangerous’, ‘crazy’ activities just because they have a somewhat unusual definition of fun.

In theory, Canada is an open-minded and tolerant nation. We are supposed to be better than this. Vancouver, could you leave the close-minded bigotry to the bible belt? This bullshit is just embarrassing.