If you haven’t heard of the Marketplace series before, I’ve posted about it along with some other reviews, and if you have, then you know why you should be so excited about this Kickstarter. There are some pretty sweet rewards for this one, go check them out!
Month: October 2014
Repost: S/slashy speak
I’ve been unreasonably busy lately and will be for a while yet, so I’m going to be reposting some of my older posts. This one was originally posted in 2011, just after I started blogging. Enjoy!
The promised rant about S/stupid P/people W/who W/write L/like T/this.
To be clear, I’m perfectly fine with any way people want to communicate with each other *in private*. If capitalizing pronouns only when referring to dominant people is a satisfying way to make your submissive mindful of exactly how he or she writes, go nuts! But when you smear your private protocols all over a public forum, I think it’s fair for people to complain.
There are three main reasons why S/slashy speak and capitalization only of dominant people’s names bother me so much.
1. It’s difficult to read. S/slashy speak is especially bad, but capitalization abuse also ruins the flow of a sentence. Blogs, forums, and chat rooms are written mediums. If you want people to read what you’ve written, you have a responsibility to write clearly and concisely. If you insist on using txt speak (u instead of you, r instead of are, and so on) when you have a qwerty keyboard at your disposal, or ramble on and on, you have no right to complain about not being taken seriously.
Seriously, what did the English language ever do to you? There’s no need to torture it like that. I’m perfectly willing to give a pass to people who aren’t native English speakers or who just have trouble spelling (I know a few perfectly clever people who simply can’t spell very well no matter how hard they try), but if your English is otherwise fine I have to assume you’re more interested in showing off how high protocol you are than in communicating.
2. It puts all all dominant identified people above all submissive identified people, which I’m really uncomfortable with. Dominant people as a group are absolutely not better, more worthy of respect, than submissive people as a group. Outside of silly capitalization rules, pronouns in English are only capitalized when referring to God. Equating dominant people to a supreme being like that is ridiculous.
Personally, I capitalize people’s names the way that they do – I look at the usernames attached to their blog posts or their twitter feeds. If someone were to point out that I spelled or capitalized their name wrong, obviously I’d correct it. I don’t get to decide how someone else’s name should be capitalized just because I declared myself dominant, and no one else gets to decide how my name should be capitalized just because they declared themselves high protocol.
3. It drags me into someone else’s scene without my consent. If capitalizing your dominant’s name and lower casing yours turns your crank, great! Just don’t drag me into it. The same way it’s inappropriate to call someone Mistress or Master when they’re not your mistress or master, it’s also inappropriate to capitalize/lowercase someone’s name and/or pronouns when they innocently wandered into a forum and tried to have a discussion. Protocol may be very important to you, but that doesn’t give you the right to apply your personal protocol willy nilly to everyone who crosses your path. Also, no matter how mcch you want to believe in a uniform protocol that all real, true, kinksters follow, there is NO universal protocol beyond basic politeness – don’t touch without permission, say please and thank you, etc. Believing otherwise is a clear inability to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.
Recently Miss Pearl wrote an excellent rant about douchebags who try whine and cry about not being allowed into age restricted munches, which you should absolutely read. To very briefly summarize her point, if you know perfectly goddamn well that the rules of an event exclude you and you try to force your way in anyway, you have just conclusively proven that you are an asshole who will ignore the rules to get what they want.
Following the rules at a kinky event is vitally important because doing so signals that you give a shit. When you show up to an event you aren’t welcome at, you are proving that you cannot be trusted to follow an extremely simple rule. This naturally leads people to wonder if you would give a shit if they used their safeword, or told you they didn’t want you to penetrate any of their orifices, or that their hand is going numb and they need the ropes loosened. If I have to wonder that about a person, I don’t want them anywhere remotely fucking near me.
It doesn’t even matter what the rules of the event are or how unfair you believe they are. There is simply no way to show up at an event you aren’t welcome at without looking like a tremendous asshole. And if you’re going to try to convince anyone you didn’t know you weren’t welcome, just fucking stop. All you’re proving at that point is that you’re too stupid to read the rules. Munches with any sort of attendance restriction, whether it’s under 35s only or female subs only, are reliably very clear about who is welcome. This is because you are not the first special fucking snowflake who tried to get in. You can disagree, you can tell all of your friends what a big Meaniepants McPoopyhead the organizer is, but you cannot claim the rules weren’t clearly stated. Protip: proving that you’re too stupid to actually read the rules is not much more confidence inspiring than proving that you just don’t care about the rules.
As for the idiots who cry about ageism, I have a question for you:
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Imagine that the vast majority of people at the all ages munches were under 25. Would you maybe feel the least bit out of place going to an event like that if you were over 35? Might you start thinking that it would be nice to have an event where you could talk with people who understood when you said you had to get home and pay the babysitter, or that you couldn’t go to that awesome weekend conference because the roof needs to be repaired?
Oh, you don’t have anything to say? I’m shocked.
My local TNG group doesn’t have any hard and fast age limits, but it is intended for people 18 – 35. I’m only 31, and I’m already starting to wonder why on earth a 35+ year old would even want to go to a TNG munch. The people who go to that munch are perfectly lovely and the organizers are personal friends of mine, but it’s getting hard for me to relate to people in their early 20s. It’s been a long time since I had to worry about final exams or the price of textbooks (which are completely fucked up), and I feel like a complete asshole bitching about the job that pays me more than enough to live on to people who are staring down the barrel of years of debt.
Also, I would be shocked to hear of a TNG munch that didn’t give people who are just over the maximum age a little bit of wiggle room. I’m certainly too lazy to immediately throw people out on their 36th birthday. For that matter, if you’re there supporting an under 35 friend or partner who didn’t want to go by themselves, I would be very surprised if you weren’t welcome as long as you made an effort to behave yourself.
On the other hand, if you’re 39 (for example) and you want to hang out with people in their late teens/early 20s, I really do have to question your motives. Sure, it’s possible that you’re new to the scene, want to hang out with other people who are probably new (note that 18-35 munches don’t necessarily assume that you’re new, just that you want to hang out with people roughly your own age) and for some weird reason think that spending time with people in their early 20s won’t be awkward, but sad to say it’s more likely that people your own age won’t take your bullshit.
Before people flip their shit, please pay attention to the fact that I did not say that people over the age of 35 are inherently creepy and bad. I said that people over the age of 35 who want to go to a munch specifically for 18-35 year olds are sketchy as fuck. If you are over 35 and would never dream of crashing a munch where you aren’t welcome, you’re golden! If you are attracted to younger people but don’t want to creep them out by disregarding simple rules, you’re great! If you love the idea of “corrupting” someone young and innocent, I promise there are plenty of young, “innocent” people who jerk off to the idea of being “corrupted” by a bad, bad, <gender of their choice>. They might even play with you if you put that giant red flag down and start acting like a decent human being.
Scammers are all over the internet, but some of the most loathsome are the ones who prey on lonely submissive men. As if being a submissive man wasn’t hard enough anyway between non-kinky people thinking you’re a freak and kinky people thinking you’re a dime a dozen, you also get to deal with assholes using your insecurities to extract money from you.
The worst part, to my mind, is how hard it is to recognize that kind of assholery for what it is when you’re emotionally involved. It’s sadly common to see discussions started by submissive men wondering if they did something wrong when all they did was prove to a scammer that they weren’t an easy mark.
Aside from trying to remind submissive men that they are valuable and deserve better than some jerkwad taking them for a ride, I thought I’d try to give some tips on avoiding scammers.
First of all, a woman who asks you for money before you’ve even met is most certainly a scammer. A sex worker would be up front about her rates and what she’s willing to do for you (well, as much as she can be without risking arrest, of course), and a woman genuinely looking for a relationship would not ask you for money. I have heard about women who supposedly ask for tribute before a first meeting to weed out flakes, but even if that’s not total bullshit, it’s not behaviour that should be tolerated either. It’s not your fault she’s bad at weeding out people who are likely to flake on her, why should you have to pay for that?
Also, you may have heard that dominant women are often control freaks. People do vary and I’m sure there are exceptions, but in general that’s pretty accurate. What that means in terms of asking for money is that I personally would rather live on rice and not turn the heat on in my house than let anyone, particularly anyone I wanted to date, know that I didn’t have my finances under control. I’m not saying that’s healthy or wise, just that it’s extremely common for dominant people of any gender to hate looking like they’re not in control of their lives.
Speaking of things that are common for dominant people, we either own our own toys or know how to have fun without them. Anyone who asks you for money so they can buy toys for your meeting is lying. That is just complete and utter bullshit. A lot of the toys we use take practice – the first time I threw a flogger, I certainly wasn’t any good at it – which means that responsible tops own toys so they can practice with them. If someone doesn’t have their own toy that they’ve practiced with, for gods sake don’t let them hit you with anything besides their own two hands.
Even if your prospective dom says they have to get on a plane to come meet you and don’t want to bring their own toys because they’re worried about the TSA stealing their stuff, the whole “I need money for toys” thing is still bullshit. If someone tries that on you, ask them if they’ve ever heard of “pervertibles.” Seriously, $10 in a dollar store and you’re set. Not to mention you can have plenty of fun with a belt, a sleep mask, and the belt from a robe and hey, the TSA isn’t going to look twice at any of that. And of course, there’s always the option of hands, teeth, and nails and the instruction to hold still or the scene stops.
You know what else is bullshit? Scammers asking you to “prove that you’re serious” by sending them money. That is simply not what someone who is actually interested in a relationship would ever do. Not only because all that would prove is that you have some disposable income, but because it sets up the expectation that their attention can be bought. Have you seen how much time dominant women spend bitching about guys who try to treat us like pro-doms? No dominant woman with any sense whatsoever wants the guy she’s dating to be confused about whether they’re in a relationship or whether he’s just paying a pro. A pro wouldn’t want that either, she has shit to do besides explain to a client that she is not his girlfriend and will not be meeting him for dinner unless he would like to pay for her time.
If you’re talking with someone who is deliberately muddying the waters between starting a lifestyle relationship and paying a pro, they’re either a scammer or an idiot. When all of the possibilities suck that much, just run.
But I digress. Back on the subject of proving you’re serious about pursing a relationship, what would prove to me that someone really did want to be my submissive would be things like texting when he says he will, emailing when he says he will, doing small things to help me out like researching local events and recommending things I might like, and otherwise acting like he, you know, cares about my happiness.
And finally, anyone who tells you not to question them when they ask you for money or says that you must not be serious about wanting to find a dom of your own when you balk at sending them money is a scammer. No one worth submitting to would ever, ever tell you it’s not okay to ask for clarification or voice your discomfort with an order. That is a gigantic red flag and you should run far far away from anyone who starts waving it.
The more I think about it, the more similarities I see between scammers and terrible doms you should run away from. My final advice is to worry less about whether you’re getting scammed and more about whether you would want anything to do with this person even if they never asked you for money.
Signal Boost: PoC BDSM/Fetish Blogs
I’ve been meaning to signal boost this awesome list of PoC BDSM/Fetish blogs for ages, and I happen to be stupid busy with work lately, so here you go. This list was compiled by the Dean at theboardingschool.tumblr.com, all credit goes to them. All I’m doing here is signal boosting the fact that kink is not just for white people. On to the list!
POC BDSM/Fetish Blogs *Updated List as of: 3/28/14*
NOTE: This is the updated list to the previous list that is floating around tumblr. Thank you for all of those who have been rebloging. Its good to know that there are more like us on here. Please make sure to support and follow.
POC BDSM/Fetish Blogs/ Kinsters of Color