Women don’t enjoy sex. Really, not a single one of us. We just don’t like it.
I’ll wait for a minute now while the people who know me well clean their drinks off their monitors.
All done? Good. Sorry about that, I owe you a drink 🙂
Like I was saying, there’s a stupid idea out there that women don’t like sex (also that all men want sex all of the time, but that’s another rant). It would be nice if the kink community was beyond that, but clearly we’re not. Take for example, the idea that real dominant women never allow anyone to penetrate them, because clearly being penetrated is a submissive act, and of course, women don’t like sex.
If women don’t like sex, then the only reason to have sex is to please a man. If you’re a dominant woman then that reason goes out the window, leaving all the “true” doms with almost no motivation to ever allow a lowly submissive man to use his cock to make her feel good. God forbid one of us should ever give a blowjob, we’d be forced to hand in our dom cards immediately.
There is one reason a good, sex-hating female dom would grudgingly tolerate sexual relations with the delicious submissive man who makes incredibly hot little sounds when she bites him: to reward him for doing the dishes. Because if she wants her man to make himself useful, clearly she has to trade sex for it. No, I’m not sure how that’s better than directly exchanging sex for money and then hiring a maid either.
There are two big reasons reasons I hate the idea that sexual activities should be doled out in small amounts only as a reward for service.
1) If the only reason your partner pulls his weight around the house is because he won’t get any otherwise, your relationship has bigger problems than kink can solve. If you try to sell your girlfriend/wife on complicated kinky activities by saying it’ll make you a better partner, she’s liable to wonder “What’s in it for me that I shouldn’t already be getting from my partner?“
2) I like control. If my partner can ‘purchase’ sex at any time by completing a certain number of chores, that takes control away from me. Tom Allen has another especially good post about this particular issue (okay, I’m kind of a Tom Allen fangirl): Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage.
To state issue 2 another way: what happens if I want to have sex before he’s finished re-tiling the bathroom? Should I go without because it’s somehow un-domly to give him a treat for no reason? If upholding an arbitrary rule is more important than meeting my needs, then I’m not in control.
I’m also not in control if I can’t enjoy whichever sex acts I want to because some of them are somehow inherently submissive. If you think about that for just a few seconds, it’s obviously complete crap. To use blowjobs as an example, being in control of what sensation your partner feels and how long it lasts is, um, being in control. I’m really not sure how to make than any clearer. Also, I *love* reactions. Giving head gets fantastic reactions, which makes it fun for me even though my genitals aren’t directly being stimulated. Cocks are simply fun to play with – I can’t explain why, I just really like playing with them.
Of course, a giving blowjob can just as easily be a submissive act when it’s done with the intent of pleasing the blow-ee. Intent is far more important than the action being taken.
So where do we get the ridiculous idea that an act can be submissive regardless of the intent behind it? From the idea that dominance is masculine and submission is feminine. If women are submissive by default, then dominant women have to compensate by being extra shouty and domineering if they want to be seen as dominant. If men are expected never to show weakness, then dominant women can’t ever need a hug and still be in charge. If dominance is masculine and being penetrated is feminine, then dominant women somehow magically lose their dominance when they get penetrated. If a dominant woman insists on having penetrative sex, then she has to at least be on top.
Fuck that noise. The position I have sex in most often is missionary. Why? Because that’s the easiest way for me to get off. Because it’s hot to feel my partner’s muscles work to give me pleasure (so very, very hot). Because it’s comfortable. Because it’s easier to bite my partner’s shoulders that way. Because putting his head next to mine means I get to hear every little noise he makes.
Because I like it, and my pleasure is more important than upholding some stupid stereotype.