How to ask your dom for a certain kind of play

I don’t know what it is but something about kink seems to make people immediately switch off their brains and then unplug them and then lock them in a box and then set the box on fire for good measure. Specifically, some submissive guys seem to not have the slightest fucking idea how to ask their doms if they’re willing to try a certain kind of play without being total douchebags about it and destroying their chances that she will ever be willing to discuss it.

First, a quick reminder: it is absolutely okay to ask for things in a respectful way at a reasonable time. Being submissive does not mean that you’re not allowed to have wants or needs or to leave a relationship because you’re unhappy.

With the understanding that you’re allowed to ask for things, let’s talk about how to do it without irritating the shit out of your wife/girl friend/female partner of some sort. Guys, it is really and truly not that complicated. Kink does not make relationship questions that different. Just imagine that you’re asking for something totally vanilla and it’s obvious what you should do, right?

Seriously, just do a mental find and replace. When you think “I want to try chastity” (just a convenient example that idiots commonly nag their wives about) replace that with  “I want you to come to the pickle festival with me.” You would simply ask if she’d like to come with you at a nice calm time when she wasn’t otherwise busy, right? If she’s running around packing for a trip, don’t bug her! If she had a terrible day, don’t bug her! If she just got some sad news, don’t bug her!

And if she said “No” or “Not now”, or “I’m not sure” or “Maybe later” you would stop fucking nagging her, right? Even if you desperately wanted to go the pickle festival with her? Because no means no, right? And it’s obvious that nagging someone relentlessly will just make them angry with you and guarantee that she will never go to that festival with you, right? And that really really really wanting to go with her is still not a good enough reason to keep fucking nagging?

The mental gymnastics some people go through to convince themselves a no isn’t really a no because it’s not the answer they wanted blow my mind. Even if you don’t respect her, and you clearly don’t if you’re whining at her to try something as if you’re a bratty five year old, it’s pretty fucking obvious that nagging someone makes them *less* likely to do a thing or ever enjoy it, not more. Seriously, are you fucking stupid? If you want to make sure that the idea of pickle festivals is forever tainted in her mind with the stench of your incessant whining, by all means, keep nagging. If, on the other hand, you would like to ever actually go to a pickle festival with her, ask if she minds explaining why she doesn’t want to go to the pickle festival. And again, if she says no, then for fuck’s sake drop the subject fod a good long time. Hint: a good long time is measured in months, not days.

If she explains her reasons, then a) that’s a fucking gift you are not owed (yes, it’s important to be able to discuss things in a relationship and it’s not a great sign if that’s not happening in yours, but you are not owed an explanation) and b) shut the fuck up and listen. No, actually listen. Don’t just wait your turn to start whining again, make sure you understand what she’s actually saying. And then think about her objections. Like, actually think about whether or not there’s any chance she will ever enjoy pickle festivals, don’t just think about how you might be able to talk her into it. If there’s any chance she might actually enjoy going to a pickle festival, then you can talk about compromises.

To be clear, I mean actual compromise, not “she does what I want so I’ll shut up and give her five goddamn minutes of peace.” For example, maybe she only comes to the pickle festival for an hour. Maybe she comes to keep you company but doesn’t eat any pickles. Maybe she shares one sweet pickled beet with you and doesn’t eat any other pickles. Maybe she tries it out with the strict understanding that you leave the minute she says she’s done. Maybe she gives you her blessing to the pickle festival with someone who actually likes pickles.

Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s not that fucking different if you want her to do something to or for your penis. Nagging does not work, do not nag. Technically nagging can be used to coerce someone into grudgingly doing the thing for about five minutes so you’ll shut up about it, but obviously that’s not fun for anyone. And honestly, if you enjoy making your partner miserable you can just fuck off.

The one area I think is a little bit grey is how often it’s okay to bring it up and ask if her feelings have changed. I think a good first step is to straight out ask if it’s okay to bring it up again after a good long time has passed. If she says she never wants to talk about it again, then you respect that and make your decisions about staying in that relationship accordingly. If it’s really important to you, for fuck’s sake say so. That’s information that’s really useful for your partner to have.

As intensely as anything that could possibly be perceived as nagging annoys me, I will grudgingly admit that it’s not realistic to tell people that you can ask for a particular kink once and only once and never bring it up again. People forget things, or mean to read up on them and don’t get around to it, or avoid the subject, or assume it’s not that important because you never brought it up again. Avoiding the subject is definitely a clear “No” if it goes on long enough, but I think it’s fairer to your partner to just tell them no if that’s what you really mean. If you’ve got to crush their dreams, don’t drag it out 😉

Don’t forget, you always have the right to leave a relationship. If you aren’t getting your needs met, leave already. That does lead me to an especially grey part of the grey area, though. While I think you should be clear about your relationship dealbreakers, is there really that much difference between telling someone “come to the pickle festival with me or I’ll leave you?” and “I don’t know if I can stay in a relationship with someone who won’t go to the pickle festival with me?” I mean, the end result is pretty similar, right?

For me personally there’s a difference between being told I have to do something and being told what the consequences are if I don’t and being allowed to make my own choices but I can definitely see the argument that that’s so much semantic hairsplitting. I recommend dodging the whole ultimatum subject altogether and just tell your partner clearly that it’s really, seriously important to you to be able to go to the pickle festival with her. If she doesn’t want to even discuss it when you make it clear how important it is to you, what difference is telling her that you’re going to have to leave if you can’t come to some kind of agreement that at least partially meets you needs going to make?

Okay, that was really long so I’ll summarize it quickly:

  • For fuck’s sake think about how you would ask for something totally unrelated to kink
  • Ask at a neutral place and time (not during or just before sex!) when she’s in a good mood
  • Remember that no means no. You don’t have to like it but you do have to respect it.

And that’s how to ask your partner to try a particular kink without being a total douchebag about it.

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