Depending on who you ask, there are anywhere between 10 and 1000 submissive men for every dominant woman out there. That’s complete and utter bullshit. Here’s why.
First, let’s define some terms. For the purpose of this post I’m calling people who are interested in power exchange in terms of giving up control/authority/the right to make certain decisions ‘submissive’ and people who are interested in kinky play that can look like power exchange but not interested in giving up control ‘bottoms’. On the other end up the spectrum, I’m calling people who are interested in power exchange in terms of receiving control/authority/the right to make certain decisions ‘dominant’ and people who are interested kinky play that can look like power exchange but not interested in taking control, ‘tops’. Note that none of those definitions have anything to do with whether a person is involved in the ‘scene’ whether in person or online.
Part of the problem is that there’s the (incredibly fucking stupid) belief in the scene that the more extreme your form of power exchange, the better a kinky person you are. This leads into the idea that if you’re not the slaviest slave who ever slaved, you’re worthless and no dom will even give you the time of day. Because of that, guys who know perfectly well that they’re only interested in bottoming, or only want to submit during defined scenes, feel like they have to call themselves 24/7 TPE submissives to get anyone to speak to them.
There are also people who are just really fucking bad at being submissive. And there are people who watched too much kink porn without doing any research on sites like FetLife and have decided that because the word “slave” gets them all hot and bothered, they must in fact be slaves. And there are people who just aren’t self aware enough to have figured out what they really want, but think the word submissive is hot, so that’s good enough for now.
I firmly believe that the people who say there are X submissive men for every dominant woman are lumping all of those groups together. Now, the distinctions can be fairly fine, as there are as many ways to submit as there are submissive people. Submissive people of any gender are absolutely entitled to ask for what they want, and to get their needs met in a relationship or leave it to look for a better fit. However, there’s a difference between a submissive guy making a request: “it turns me on when you wear black leather boots” and a dominant bottom scripting a scene: “you have to wear black leather boots, they have to have a 4″ spike heel, and then you have to order me to kiss them, no, not like that, you need to sound more commanding…”.
Still, comparing the numbers of bottoms + fetishists + people who suck at being submissive + people who don’t know what they really want + people who really do want to submit and are good at it to the number of exclusively dominant women who are any good at it and not scammers is not exactly an apples to apples comparison. Now, I’m not saying it’s not true that there are more men who identify as kinky than there are women (which is a separate rant), but I highly doubt the odds are as bad as some people think.
Also, it’s not nearly as hard to stand out as people think. For fuck’s sake, not long ago I saw the women of the Submissive men and women who love them go absolutely nuts over a guy who was new to the group. You know what he did? He read the fucking stickies and posted an interesting question. When reading the stickies causes women to play-fight over you, the bar is pretty fucking low.
Guys, the dickbags who post personal ads about how obedient they are in no-personal ads groups are the majority of your competition. If sad bastards like that have set the bar too high for you, it’s not the relative numbers of submissive men and dominant women that are keeping you single.
If there really are 100 submissive men for every dominant woman, where the fuck is my awesome geekboy harem? If awesome submissive men are really that common, there must be tons of them who are right for me. Clearly every dominant woman has so many awesome men in her life that she’d have to give up sleep to have time for any more of them.
For that matter, why is any dominant woman ever single when she doesn’t want to be? Surely she could just snap her fingers and a submissive man would appear in front of her, ready to do her bidding. And if she didn’t like him, she could just go to the next man in line until she found one she clicked with. Should take about a day, maybe two, right?
Awesome submissive men are rare and precious. Awesome submissive men who are just right for a given dom are even rarer. I know a bunch of submissive men who are great friends and great people, but aren’t right for me personally.
Speaking of submissive male friends, my friend Kadri was nice enough to give me some stats on our local community. He tells me that in his experience there are only about twice as many exclusively submissive men as there are exclusively dominant women. Our city may not have the exact same ratios yours does, and if you live in a particularly small town you’re going to have a hard time finding any other kinky people, let alone kinky people you’d like to date, but at a ratio of 2:1 the odds aren’t exactly insurmountable.
Another very interesting thing Kadri told me was that there are actually more women who top sometimes (if not necessarily very often) than there are men who bottom sometimes (again, if not necessarily very often). Apparently the ratio of not-exclusively-submissive women to not-exclusively-dominant men is about 3:2. However, most of the women who are interested in topping at least some of the time keep quiet about it because they don’t want to be swarmed by all the desperate submissive (or “submissive”) guys out there.
It’s true that these stats are just for one city, and no doubt you are a special snowflake who lives in a dead zone as far as dominant women go, but I think they point to the odds generally not being all that terrible. It’s not even about “the odds” anyway. You only need to find one woman who’s right for you and who you’re right for. She won’t be “used up” by some other guy because she’s a person, not a fucking commodity you can run out of.