Things new submissive men should probably know, part ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha

More things new submissive men should probably know! This time, let’s talk about limits. Your limits are normal! Nobody will be surprised or freaked out by your limits, nobody will immediately stop speaking to you because of your limits (unless they’re a total jerk you wouldn’t want to keep talking to anyway). Your limits do not mean you are destined to die alone.

The most common limits I see submissive men get very very worried about are chastity, financial domination, forced feminization, and never being treated like a partner, not just a kinky plaything.

Chastity is not even slightly unusual as a limit. It is not even a tiny bit weird to not like chastity. My theory is that because new submissive men haven’t yet learned to recognize bullshit when they see it, they get the idea from porn and liars (I’m all for writing fiction and talking about your desires, but if you don’t make it clear that’s what you’re doing then you’re a liar) that chastity is a much more common kink among dominant women that it actually is, and that they take it much father than they actually do.

In every discussion I’ve ever seen about chastity, the vast majority of women who commented either didn’t care for chastity at all, were only interested if their partner was interested, or were interested in much milder forms of chastity than the guys who were worried about never getting to orgasm again were thinking of. It’s not that there are no women who enjoy long term chastity, but they aren’t nearly as common as worried submissive guys seem to think. Guys, women just don’t care anywhere near as much about your dicks as you wish we did 🙂

Also, “chastity” is not just one thing, it’s pretty broad spectrum of activities. Extreme long term chastity is on that spectrum, but so is playfully teasing your boyfriend for an evening before having passionate sex that night. So is telling your partner to ask permission before he masturbates and frequently granting it. Giving a woman control over your orgasms doesn’t mean you’ll never have one again, just that she’s in charge of when, where, and how often. Don’t forget that you’re allowed to negotiate. No kink is all or nothing, you’re allowed to try things out just for a little while and decide whether or not you like them.

Financial domination isn’t a remotely unusual limit either. And it should be at least a soft limit, it would be incredibly foolish to give someone you just met access to your bank account. Like chastity, there are many different things that can all be called financial domination depending on how you define it. There’s the frankly scammy looking combination of humiliation and financial domination where doms tell submissive men that they aren’t worthy of their attention and are only good for emptying their wallets, but there are also total power exchange relationships where the dom makes all the decisions, financial and otherwise, relationships where the dom and sub agree to play only with amounts of money the sub can afford to lose, relationships where partners role play but would never even consider financially ruining the sub, etc, etc.

The probably-scammers out there looking for “pay pigs” are pretty obvious and therefore easy to avoid, so let’s talk about being afraid to give up control of your finances in a long term relationship with your dom. Having control of your own money is a pretty basic part of being an adult, of course it’s scary to think about giving that up. And unlike letting someone else decide how you dress or where you go for dinner, losing control of your finances can permanently harm you. Of course, a simple rope bondage scene can cause permanent nerve damage too, so it’s not as if financial domination is the only risky thing we perverts do.

Because giving someone total control over your money is so legitimately dangerous, no reasonable person would ask you to do that without spending literal years building trust. Talking about eventually wanting to have a total power exchange relationship that includes control of both partners’ money is very different from actually doing that when you’re both ready. Not to mention total power exchange is far, far from everyone’s kink. I, for example, can in no way be bothered to run my partner’s life – I expect him to stay on top of that so I don’t have to worry about it. I’m far from the only dom who doesn’t even want that level of responsibility, people who are interested in total power exchange are definitely the minority. In short, don’t worry that your potential dom wants your paycheque, she probably doesn’t care 🙂

Forced feminization/sissification/whatever is another kink that people seem to think is much more common than it actually is. Some women do enjoy their subs making themselves pretty for them, and a few somehow seem to be able to deal with the cognitive dissonance of using the clothes they wear every day to humiliate their sub, but like with chastity, most of us either don’t particularly care or are only interested if our partner is into it. Mod note: if I wanted to keep trying to convince misogynists that misogyny exists, I would have left comments on my forced feminization post open. Spare me the whining about how your kink is totally not misogynist because it makes you feel funny in your pants, I’ll just ban your dumb ass. This post is about reassuring submissive men that their limits are not weird and will not lead to them dying alone, at least try to stay on topic.

Anyway, not wanting to wear feminine clothing or act like a sissy is not weird and not a deal breaker for the vast majority of doms. Honestly, guys who don’t want that are a refreshing change. It’s not weird to dislike such a polarizing kink, anyone who acts like it is is a jerk you don’t want to deal with anyway.

Finally, wanting to have a balance of kinky funtimes and have a loving girlfriend who snuggles with you on the couch and brings you soup when you’re sick is totally normal. Guys, you’ve gotta set down the porn and talk to actual dominant women 🙂 Check out forums like submissive men and women who love them and you’ll see that the vast majority of dominant women want a kinky boyfriend who they can cuddle with on the couch and who will bring them soup when they’re sick instead of freaking out that a dom ever has an off day and who they can get their kink on with. If you want to act like a reasonable human being, not some sort of kink-obsessed robot, great! That’s what most women want too and can only help your chances of finding a compatible dom.

TL;DR your limits are normal and having limits, particularly totally normal ones, will not cause every dom you meet to pass you up in favour of some sad dormat who says (lies!) he doesn’t have any limits.

While I’m at it, I think the reason submissive men get so worried that having limits will scare off potential doms is because of that stupid fucking myth that there are 10+ submissive men for every dominant woman. Guys, people who say that there are approximately a fuckton of submissive men for every dominant woman are calling this miserable waste of space a submissive man. If you’ve bothered to read this post, you can definitely trip over that bar so stop worrying about how few dominant women there supposedly are 🙂

Readers, are there any other common limits you’ve seen people worry about that are actually total non-issues?

9 thoughts on “Things new submissive men should probably know, part ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha

  1. Many guys I talk to at the bar are a little bit scared of the “24/7” lifestyle, TPE stuff. Most dommes I know are NOT into that (i.e. don’t have time for it) and prefer a guy be out of “scene” most of the time.

    • On a related note, a lot of guys seem not to understand what 24/7 might LOOK like. They draw a false dichotomy where submission has to be either “just in the bedroom” OR an all-the-time thing where the dominant is constantly mean to them, and nothing in-between.

      Maybe I’m projecting but I don’t think it’s even physically possible to act like a bitchy porn domme all day, every day. And there are vast spaces in relationships where, even if there’s a TPE in place, there’s no actual reason to exert it. A woman could have total control of everything a guy spends, wears, and does, but if the two of you are sitting watching a movie and she’s enjoying it and doesn’t need you to get up and grab her a beverage at the moment then you’re just two people watching a movie. There’s nothing to order the guy around over.

      And finally, a couple can be 24/7 WITHOUT her having total control over him. I want a sub who submits to me in areas other than the bedroom, but just, like…light housekeeping and fetching me stuff when I want it. I don’t WANT to control his finances or micromanage everything he does. Mostly my ideal relationship would look vanilla outside the sexual stuff, except that when I say “hey would you bring me a glass of juice?” he’s not allowed to say no. His responsibility to obey me when I ask for things like that would be constant, not a thing we set aside, ergo it’s 24/7 submission. But it’s really not such a big scary deal.

      • Maybe I’m projecting but I don’t think it’s even physically possible to act like a bitchy porn domme all day, every day.

        I don’t think it is either. Sometimes you just want to watch some cute animal videos and have a cup of tea, dammit.

  2. part ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha

    <3 <3

    Been soooo much discussion of the forced fem thing in SMAWLT these last couple of months. Totally get why you don't want to debate the kink itself. But yeah what I've learned is that it's actually a kink that's more common among guys than among dommes (and even lots of the guys are into the fem without the forced). Definitely not something a sub will die alone without being willing to do!

    • Oh I’ve been sick of the subject since 2011 (thank you blog for standing in for my shitty memory). Read the comments on my forced feminization post only if you want to be sad about humanity. So many people seem to think little boys learn that anything associated with being a girl is shameful by magic, not by getting fucking shamed for it.

      But yeah, every time somebody asks about it in SMAWLT I see an avalanche of women who don’t give two shits and a few women who like it when their subs make themselves pretty. Like you said, not exactly a deal breaker 🙂

  3. I find it really interesting that so many submissive men got a different idea of the “default script” than I did. I’ve personally never really developed a taste for anything that codes as “humiliation,” and I often feel confused to see it as such a default part of kinky porn in general. I would presume that you’re right that sub men get the idea that all dommes are into, say, forced fem, due to its proliferation in porn, but I wonder how it got to be that case. With not that many dommes into it and so many subs afraid to do it, I wonder where the initial audience for forced fem porn came from.

    • That is a really good question I don’t know the answer to. I’ve heard that a lot of porn aimed at submissive guys is actually produced by dominant guys with not so surprisingly fucked up ideas about what submissive men actually like, and I think no small number of submissive guys eroticize their failure to fit in the man box, but that doesn’t actually answer your question of where the initial audience came from.

      • It’s certainly not a question to which I think anyone has a full answer, but it’s still one of those things I wonder about. I do appreciate the extra info that part of the puzzle might be, as you said, the amount of material produced by male doms instead of fem doms or sub men.

        Interesting, too, that I don’t see a lot of forced fem over in gay kinky porn. There’s some, but my experience is that it’s extremely niche.

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