Why won’t you give me a chance?

Or, Stabbity’s pet peeves, part 1 of 43,002.

On discussion sites like FetLife, it’s not at all unusual to see posts along the lines of ‘why won’t dominant women give me a chance?’, or ‘what does it take to get a reply to an email?’.

The answer to these questions is very simple: stop fucking whining!

When someone asks ‘why won’t dominant women give me a chance?’ I hear ‘you owe me’. No, actually, I don’t owe you shit. Acting like you’re entitled to my time is one of the least sexy things you could possibly do. Also, whining about how it isn’t fair that you can’t get a date reeks of self-pity. On top of being painfully unsexy, that’s just boring. Posting about feeling lonely and discouraged gives people an opportunity to empathize with you. Posting about how the world owes you a hot, dominant girlfriend just makes people want to smack you.

If you’re having trouble making a connection with a dominant woman, if you send email after email and you never manage to meet up with anyone, I have news for you. The common denominator is you, jackass. If you can’t get a reply to an email, there is something wrong with either your emails, your profile, or your choice of of person to email. Or you just haven’t emailed enough people yet.  If you can get a reply to an email but correspondence always peters out before you actually meet anyone, there’s a problem with your approach. Or you just haven’t corresponded with enough people yet. If you can get a first date but never a second one, there’s a problem with how you act on dates. Or you just haven’t been on enough of them yet. Or you take every rejection as proof that you’re a pathetic shell of a human being who is destined to die alone, not to be discovered until your neighbours complain about the mysterious and awful smell coming from your apartment.

On to the good news. If you look at the potential problems I’ve listed, you’ll notice one thing they all have in common: you can change absolutely every one of them. Even that last one – more about that in a bit. You are not a helpless victim of fate. You can learn to write better emails, you can learn to do a better job of choosing people to email, you can be patient and simply email more people, you can adjust your approach, you can try different things on dates, you can just keep going on first dates until you meet someone you really click with. I’m not saying it will be easy. In fact, it’s likely to be both painful and time-consuming. But it’s certainly more productive than whining about how life isn’t fair.

Another great thing about the issues I listed is that you can actually ask for help with those things. ‘Why won’t anyone give me a chance?’ doesn’t invite any answer besides ‘Because you suck. Now get lost’. ‘Do you have any suggestions to help me improve my profile?’ on the other hand, is a question with a multitude of potentially useful answers. You might not like the answers you get, but you’re much more likely to get useful information with that sort of question. If you have a look at the sticky threads in fem dom related fetlife groups such as Submissive men and women who love them, or Dominant Women and subs/slaves who adore them, you’ll find plenty of advice on how to find a partner. It’s like we dominant women want you all to start getting it right.

In some cases, the problem is that you just haven’t contacted enough people. Sometimes people don’t respond to well-written, interesting emails or schedule a date because work is crazy and they just don’t have time, or a personal crisis or health issue is taking up all of their energy, or they’re on vacation, or they’re in the middle of moving, or that one interesting email got buried under a pile of crap and they just missed it, etc, etc. The vast majority of things people do actually have nothing to do with you, shocking as that may seem.

Which leads me back to that last issue I mentioned, the one about how each and every rejection is proof that you’re going to die alone and unloved. That’s completely and utterly wrong, but it’s easy to forget that in the moment. So what do you do about it? It’s actually very simple (not necessarily easy, but simple). Here it is: have a life.


Have things going on in your life besides the joyless grind of hunting for a partner. Pursue hobbies, spend time with your friends, learn things, work on your career, travel, explore, read books and look at art and have interesting discussions with people and for fuck’s sake do not let the search for a partner consume your entire life. When you have nothing else that matters in your life, rejection really is the worst thing ever. Rejection will always sting, I’m not saying it won’t, but having ways to distract yourself can only do you good. It will also help you if you can say to yourself, sure <some girl> rejected me, but I’m fantastic at <one of those hobbies you’ve been pursuing>, and my friends rock, and I’m doing <some cool thing> next weekend.

Here’s another upside of doing things besides looking for a partner – it makes you more likely to both find one and keep one. Think about it, would you really want to date someone who did nothing with her life besides look for a boyfriend? Wouldn’t it be more fun to spend time with someone who had hobbies she wanted to tell you about, favourite books and movies she wanted to share, funny stories about adventures she had with her friends? And if you want an interesting partner, it just might be possible that women want the same thing.

Of course, whining about women not giving you a chance is a lot easier than improving yourself. But tell me, how’s that working out for you?

Do-it-yourself is a cop out

If you’ve ever complained about the near complete lack of porn for dominant women (or the lack of porn for discriminating submissive men), you’ve probably been told ‘you should make some yourself’. If you’re like me, that phrase makes you want to set things on fire, but it’s hard to articulate exactly why it fills you with arsony rage. Conveniently enough, there’s a new post on Adventurotica explaing why ‘just do it yourself!’ is a pathetic fucking cop out.

Here’s an especially good snippet to tempt you to go read the whole thing:

It is a conversational shutdown tactic by people who are presumably happy that the status remain quo, when the status is not quo at all. And it is so handily disguised as a pep talk, a kind of “Well, you should just take your awesome and go make that stuff. Call us when you’re done, ‘kay?”

That’s a dick move for a host of reasons, all of which are conveniently laid out in the post. Make with the reading!