Why won’t you give me a chance?

Or, Stabbity’s pet peeves, part 1 of 43,002.

On discussion sites like FetLife, it’s not at all unusual to see posts along the lines of ‘why won’t dominant women give me a chance?’, or ‘what does it take to get a reply to an email?’.

The answer to these questions is very simple: stop fucking whining!

When someone asks ‘why won’t dominant women give me a chance?’ I hear ‘you owe me’. No, actually, I don’t owe you shit. Acting like you’re entitled to my time is one of the least sexy things you could possibly do. Also, whining about how it isn’t fair that you can’t get a date reeks of self-pity. On top of being painfully unsexy, that’s just boring. Posting about feeling lonely and discouraged gives people an opportunity to empathize with you. Posting about how the world owes you a hot, dominant girlfriend just makes people want to smack you.

If you’re having trouble making a connection with a dominant woman, if you send email after email and you never manage to meet up with anyone, I have news for you. The common denominator is you, jackass. If you can’t get a reply to an email, there is something wrong with either your emails, your profile, or your choice of of person to email. Or you just haven’t emailed enough people yet.  If you can get a reply to an email but correspondence always peters out before you actually meet anyone, there’s a problem with your approach. Or you just haven’t corresponded with enough people yet. If you can get a first date but never a second one, there’s a problem with how you act on dates. Or you just haven’t been on enough of them yet. Or you take every rejection as proof that you’re a pathetic shell of a human being who is destined to die alone, not to be discovered until your neighbours complain about the mysterious and awful smell coming from your apartment.

On to the good news. If you look at the potential problems I’ve listed, you’ll notice one thing they all have in common: you can change absolutely every one of them. Even that last one – more about that in a bit. You are not a helpless victim of fate. You can learn to write better emails, you can learn to do a better job of choosing people to email, you can be patient and simply email more people, you can adjust your approach, you can try different things on dates, you can just keep going on first dates until you meet someone you really click with. I’m not saying it will be easy. In fact, it’s likely to be both painful and time-consuming. But it’s certainly more productive than whining about how life isn’t fair.

Another great thing about the issues I listed is that you can actually ask for help with those things. ‘Why won’t anyone give me a chance?’ doesn’t invite any answer besides ‘Because you suck. Now get lost’. ‘Do you have any suggestions to help me improve my profile?’ on the other hand, is a question with a multitude of potentially useful answers. You might not like the answers you get, but you’re much more likely to get useful information with that sort of question. If you have a look at the sticky threads in fem dom related fetlife groups such as Submissive men and women who love them, or Dominant Women and subs/slaves who adore them, you’ll find plenty of advice on how to find a partner. It’s like we dominant women want you all to start getting it right.

In some cases, the problem is that you just haven’t contacted enough people. Sometimes people don’t respond to well-written, interesting emails or schedule a date because work is crazy and they just don’t have time, or a personal crisis or health issue is taking up all of their energy, or they’re on vacation, or they’re in the middle of moving, or that one interesting email got buried under a pile of crap and they just missed it, etc, etc. The vast majority of things people do actually have nothing to do with you, shocking as that may seem.

Which leads me back to that last issue I mentioned, the one about how each and every rejection is proof that you’re going to die alone and unloved. That’s completely and utterly wrong, but it’s easy to forget that in the moment. So what do you do about it? It’s actually very simple (not necessarily easy, but simple). Here it is: have a life.

HAVE A LIFE.

Have things going on in your life besides the joyless grind of hunting for a partner. Pursue hobbies, spend time with your friends, learn things, work on your career, travel, explore, read books and look at art and have interesting discussions with people and for fuck’s sake do not let the search for a partner consume your entire life. When you have nothing else that matters in your life, rejection really is the worst thing ever. Rejection will always sting, I’m not saying it won’t, but having ways to distract yourself can only do you good. It will also help you if you can say to yourself, sure <some girl> rejected me, but I’m fantastic at <one of those hobbies you’ve been pursuing>, and my friends rock, and I’m doing <some cool thing> next weekend.

Here’s another upside of doing things besides looking for a partner – it makes you more likely to both find one and keep one. Think about it, would you really want to date someone who did nothing with her life besides look for a boyfriend? Wouldn’t it be more fun to spend time with someone who had hobbies she wanted to tell you about, favourite books and movies she wanted to share, funny stories about adventures she had with her friends? And if you want an interesting partner, it just might be possible that women want the same thing.

Of course, whining about women not giving you a chance is a lot easier than improving yourself. But tell me, how’s that working out for you?

18 thoughts on “Why won’t you give me a chance?

  1. *laugh* Both funny AND so true.

    I have amended my advice to people recently to reflect that last part. Don’t make your life into a dogged search for ‘the one’ because it will deplete your soul, I don’t care who you are. It’s depressing and self defeating, so stop doing it!

    Ferns

  2. Oh Stabbity,
    how I do love thee.

    I am so adding this to my “How to Approach Dominant Women” page.

    I love this advice, it is spot on. CQ’s sub asked if I felt pity for some of the subguys emailing messages like this and I said no. The entitled bullshit routine doesn’t inspire sympathy or even pity. It is just offensive. I hope your advice will be taken!

  3. There’s another issue with subs that you haven’t mentioned:

    Over and over again when I was single ( and once while partnered), I’d start talking to some subby boy online. He seemed cute, we seemed to be into the same things, and I expressed interest in him. He’d be like “Cool! Give me your address and I’ll be right over!” and I’d go “NO, I never jump right into playing. We need to meet for coffee first so we can assess our chemistry and discuss our limits.”

    …And that was the last I heard from him.

    So, hilariously, I think a substantial portion of these whiny subs are actually getting plenty of opportunities with dominant women – just not from dominant woman who’ll “put out” instantly. Which all goes back to the entitlement thing.

    It’s frustrating because I’ve worked hard to become the sort of domme I am today. When I was younger, I was inexperienced (and riddled with anger issues) and truly believed that guys were inferior to me and that D/s meant making a guy do whatever I wanted, no negotiation required (which led to some horrible mismatches, btw…like the guy who probably expected to do sexual things with me but to his annoyance and confusion I made him do my dishes instead). It took years of personal growth (and reading up on the subject of BDSM!) before I came to the conclusion that it’s a game between equals and that limits and expectations should be discussed ahead of time. Nowadays, I want to talk with a sub about what we each want to get out of a scene so that we both end up happy and fulfilled.

    And what do I get for wanting to discuss things first? What do I get for wanting to learn my sub’s weaknesses and turn-ons so I can exploit them to best advantage and leave him in a melty puddle on the floor? I get told that I’m being too snotty/difficult/high-maintenance/whatever, and the guy flounces.

    • So, hilariously, I think a substantial portion of these whiny subs are actually getting plenty of opportunities with dominant women – just not from dominant woman who’ll “put out” instantly.

      Sadly, that’s a really good point. I can absolutely see some poor idiot trying to arrange a play date with a woman he’s never met or really discussed limits and desires with, and thinking ‘Ugh, she wants me to jump through all these hoops? Why won’t she just give me a chance?’ when she wants to have that discussion about limits.

      What do I get for wanting to learn my sub’s weaknesses and turn-ons so I can exploit them to best advantage and leave him in a melty puddle on the floor?

      Sometimes I think there’s just no way to win. If we insist on getting to know someone instead of playing right away, we’re being difficult. If we play without knowing someone and the scene goes bad or falls flat, it’s our fault for not getting to know the bottom first (or for not being a mind-reader).

  4. Yes! Yes! Yes! *gives a cookie* Actually, take the whole plate.

    Having a life is *really* important. I’ve talked to submissives and asked them what they like to do in their free time…and they couldn’t name one hobby outside of kink. It’s painfully dull to converse with those sorts. What’s even worse is that I’ve observed that those who usually have no hobbies aren’t interested in yours. I’ve mentioned something I was interested in a number of a times only to have the sub start back on the kink stuff. Luckily, I’ve found someone so I don’t have to deal with this nonsense as much. If kink was all someone had to have in common to have a successful relationship, every Dom would be compatible with every sub and we all know that’s not true. Ha. About time someone said this.

    Lady D

    • Yay, cookies!

      I’ve mentioned something I was interested in a number of a times only to have the sub start back on the kink stuff.

      I get so frustrated when guys do that. I wish they’d just admit they’re only interested in me as a life-support system for a whip.

      If kink was all someone had to have in common to have a successful relationship, every Dom would be compatible with every sub and we all know that’s not true.

      One day I need to finish up and post the rant I have planned about that 🙂

  5. Frankly, women, dominant, vanilla or submissive just have no idea at all how draining it can be to feel invisible, unwanted and ignored. Male sexuality keeps all women constantly bathed in a fountain of attention, so it’s understandable.

    I’m a partnered male submissive, but the profile I made on one of the fetish meat market sites before I found a partner had a grand total of 3 views in the space of a year. One by a dominant woman, two by submissive women. And I guess it was the typical dom-ly crossed arms and sour expression on the profile photograph that attracted the sub women. Contrast this with the profile I made posing as a woman, without a picture, deactivated after one day, that received at least 40 messages in the day it was up.

    In short, the experience is so completely different for men and women that it is no surprise at all that any expression of self-doubt, insecurity or expression of frustration about one’s own attractiveness, in a man, elicits chastisement like this to “shut up”, “stop whining” or “get a date loser” and not a hint of empathy. And it’s the exact same reaction on vanilla sites as well as kink sites.

    The “advice” in this blog post is the usual stale mantra that most men, kinky or not, have had drilled into them since they were born. “Stop whining”, “man up” and “get on with it”. Thank you. We have heard it a billion times before. I realize that in the ideal female world, all men are manly-masculine-males who have everything in their life under control, have no self-doubt, or self-pity, and no emotions except for the ones projected onto them by the women. But sadly, the real world is not like that.

    • I hear that you’re hurt and angry, and I’m sorry your profile got ignored. That sucks mightily and it’s true that almost no women have to wonder if they accidentally screwed up a setting and their profile actually is invisible.

      However, I’m not entirely sure what that has to do with my post. I did not say that

      any expression of self-doubt, insecurity or expression of frustration about one’s own attractiveness, in a man, elicits chastisement like this to “shut up”, “stop whining” or “get a date loser”

      I said that

      Posting about feeling lonely and discouraged gives people an opportunity to empathize with you. Posting about how the world owes you a hot, dominant girlfriend just makes people want to smack you.

      I also said that

      When someone asks ‘why won’t dominant women give me a chance?’ I hear ‘you owe me’.

      And

      Acting like you’re entitled to my time is one of the least sexy things you could possibly do.

      I’m not sure how to make it clearer that I’m ranting about guys who act like they’re entitled to a hot, dominant, girlfriend. I have absolutely no problem with guys who have self-doubts, insecurities, or who are frustrated by how hard it is to find a partner, just like every other human on the planet. My list of concrete things people can actually do right now to improve their chances of finding a partner is meant to encourage guys who are frustrated, who are starting to wonder if something is terribly wrong with them and they’re going to die alone.

    • Frankly, women, dominant, vanilla or submissive just have no idea at all how draining it can be to feel invisible, unwanted and ignored. Male sexuality keeps all women constantly bathed in a fountain of attention, so it’s understandable.

      Yeah…a “fountain of attention” that says: “I am looking for someone to be the living embodiment of the porn I watch. I don’t give a fuck who you are or what your desires are. I don’t want to get to know you and I don’t want to talk about anything but my sexual needs. I did not read your profile and do not care that you’re looking for something completely different from what I want. SATISFY MY FANTASIES NOW KTHX.”

      So I usually feel invisible too, except as a walking vagina. Or – as Stabbity so beautifully put it upthread – sometimes as “a support system for a whip.”

      My theory is that men and women on “meat market” sites get approximately the same amount of good attention: i.e. views and messages from people who are respectful and genuinely want to make a connection. All the other messages women get are total spam (Literally. Guys will copy and paste the same greeting to who knows how many women, without reading their profiles whatsoever. I once had a guy tell me “You have eyes I could get lost in” when I had no photos on my profile. I currently have an online profile with an androgynous photo, looking strictly for new friends, and am getting messaged by attached “straight” guys who think I’m male and want a little gay action on the side – they could not be bothered even to read the words “F – Straight – Seeing someone” that are right under my fucking picture).

      Think about al of this for a while before you feel jealous of all this awesome “attention” we’re getting.

      • I currently have an online profile with an androgynous photo, looking strictly for new friends, and am getting messaged by attached “straight” guys who think I’m male and want a little gay action on the side – they could not be bothered even to read the words “F – Straight – Seeing someone” that are right under my fucking picture

        Wow. I’ve gotten some pretty lame messages, but at least they were all from guys who managed to read far enough to verify that I’m a woman.

        Male sexuality keeps all women constantly bathed in a fountain of attention, so it’s understandable.

        I just had a thought about that statement. It’s near-completely wrong. ‘Male sexuality’ is not the source of the ‘fountain of attention’. Douchebags with entitlement issues are the source of the ‘fountain’. You know what prevents men from ‘enjoying’ the same kind of attention? Slut-shaming, women being trained from birth to put other people’s feelings first, and the pervasive myth that ‘good’ women don’t feel lust. Note that none of those things are inherent to female sexuality.

        So I usually feel invisible too, except as a walking vagina.

        Exactly! Also, to be fair, the ‘life-support system for a whip’ line isn’t mine, but I’ve seen it in so many different places of the years I have no idea who to attribute it to.

        • You know what prevents men from ‘enjoying’ the same kind of attention? Slut-shaming, women being trained from birth to put other people’s feelings first, and the pervasive myth that ‘good’ women don’t feel lust.

          Don’t forget rape apology! Every time a woman gets acquaintance-raped and comes forward about it, somebody feels the need to go “Well, it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been talking to/hanging out with/drinking around that guy.” That, combined with objectification guys so often show to me and the fact that most guys are way stronger than me, makes me really damn unlikely to (for instance) go home with a hot stranger. Because if I do go home with him, and he decides that I’m his porn fuckpuppet and he’s gonna go ahead and force me to do things that I don’t wanna do, very few people will have any sympathy for me. After all, not only did I talk to a guy, I went to his house with the expectation of having sex. So obviously I deserve whatever I get.

          Hell, the one time I was naive enough to put on my profile that I was looking for casual sex, I got bombarded with the grossest, crudest messages you could imagine – messages with long, graphic descriptions of all the things these guys wanted/planned to do to me (and not one message asking me what I enjoyed, needless to say). I got a definite vibe that they felt I was “asking” to be treated as a subhuman wank doll simply by daring to admit an interest in getting laid. Which actually goes back to the whole slut-shaming thing.

    • Frankly, women, dominant, vanilla or submissive just have no idea at all how draining it can be to feel invisible, unwanted and ignored.

      Oh sure. Women just don’t understand what it’s like to be ignored.

      Unless the woman is fat, or old, or disabled, or ugly, or unfashionably dressed or a million other things that make her unworthy of male attention.

      Seriously, get a clue.

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