Things new submissive men should probably know, part 5 of many

You will be disappointed sometimes. I touched on this in my post about losing friends and alienating people, but I think it’s worth going into a little more detail.

One of many, many problems I think is related to only seeing dominant women in porn is that it can be really hard for a guy who’s never had a friendly chat with one in real life to imagine how day to day life works with a dominant woman. If you can’t correct your ideas by comparing them with real life, you can end up assuming all sorts of ridiculous fucking bullshit. And guys, it really is ridiculous to assume that dominant women are fundamentally different from vanilla women. We’re just people.

Day to day life with a dominant girlfriend is very much like having a vanilla girlfriend – Ms Dominant will annoy you sometimes, she will ask for things you don’t want to do, you will sometimes just not fucking feel like doing what you’re told. There is no 24/7 overt latex and spankings scene going on.

Once more with feeling: you will not be playing 24/7. Finding a dominant girlfriend is not your ticket to endless kinky funtimes. She’s just a person, and if she’s a person worth knowing she has stuff going on in her life besides kink. If you’re a person worth knowing, you have stuff going on in your life besides kink too.

That whole “having a life” thing means having a dominant girlfriend is more about finding times in your schedules when you’re both free and doing perfectly “normal” stuff together like seeing movies and going out for dinner than it is about getting your collective kink on. It would be fun if everything was perversion and sex all day every day, but that’s just not how life works. It makes me sad that I even need to mention that, but to be fair, it is hard to find information about what dominant women are actually like that’s not produced by someone who makes a profit by lying to you. Elise Sutton, I’m looking at you. In the absence of accurate information, it’s easy to get all kinds of ridiculous ideas about how once you have a dom your life will be nothing but kink and scenes and sexiness forever and ever.

Which I why I have to burst your bubble about that one. Sometimes scenes won’t work out the way you’d hoped. Sometimes you’ll really really like a woman and she’ll even like you back and she still won’t be into all the same kinks you are. Sometimes she’ll be totally willing to try and into the same thing you are and it will still fall flat for no particular reason. Sometimes she’ll have a bad day. Sometimes you will. Sometimes the pipes burst and you have to work late and the car breaks down and no one feels like doing anything fun.

Again, it’s really not that different from having a vanilla relationship. Remember how when you were young and lonely and worried no-one would ever love you and you were convinced that if you could just find a girlfriend everything in your life would magically be great? Remember how you finally did get together with someone and you still had problems? And how sometimes that magical wonderful woman who was supposed to fix everything was actually kind of a jerk sometimes?

Why would you expect things to be different with a dominant woman? Seriously, why don’t we get to be people?

Shit will happen and you’re going to need to deal with it like a grownup. No amount of kinky fun is going to erase the fact that sometimes you’ll have a horrible day at work.

I don’t want to be all doom and gloom here, I just want people to have realistic expectations. If you go into a d/s relationship expecting that everything will be perfect from now on, you’re going to be really fucking disappointed. On the other hand, if you go into a d/s relationship with the understanding that nobody is perfect and that bad things happen to everyone sometimes, you can have a wonderful relationship that brings both of you joy. Wouldn’t you rather have a chance at happiness than guarantee you’ll be miserable?

9 thoughts on “Things new submissive men should probably know, part 5 of many

  1. Unfortunately, the only image of Dominant Women seems to be a pro-domme Ice Queen.

    And the only image of a submissive male seems to be The Worm. Uggghhhh. You would think that image would turn off women interested in the Lifestyle.

    • I’m pretty sure the image DOES turn a lot of women off.

      And the “worm” thing no doubt turns off a lot of good, sincere submissive men but turns *on* the porn-fueled sub fetishists who aren’t the tiniest bit grounded in reality.

      And so we have the infamous imbalanced ratio of ten billion subs for every domme or whateverthefuck. Lucky dommes, having an infinite number of shallow wankers to choose from, right? Hooray! 😛

      • Yeah, I don’t think there’s any question that the worthless worm image and the ice queen stereotype turn off women who might otherwise be interested in kink. Considering how common it is for submissive guys to complain about how there are no dominant women (not true, but that’s a separate rant), you’d think they would fucking stop doing stuff that obviously turns off women who could get into kink if we didn’t make it so hard for them.

  2. If the pro-Domme image is the only one people know, would it be assumed that self proclaimed “Dominant Women” must be the same kind?

    • You do realize that some people dig deeper/join their local community/get over all the stereotypical shit, right?

      Anyway I think the porny ice-bitch-domme type would probably act like a domineering asshole such that you’d know what was up long before she officially identified herself as anything.

  3. Outside of a specific scene, I’ve never met a dominant woman who was actually a “porny ice-bitch”; every single one was a full-time human being. Naturally, the reason we were in proximity to interact in the first place is that we were somewhere lifestyle people congregate (munch, invited to a party, etc.), so didn’t have to figure out who each other was and if you’re a male on my end of the leash then it goes without comment that the first name of a dominant woman in that environment is “Ma’am,” but no dominant woman then acted like an “ice-bitch,” or thought I was a “worm” she was free to abuse.

    Everything in the above post by stabbity is spot-on. Lightening the mood though, if you are in a full-time relationship the fact that it isn’t 24/7 scenes is truly of no consequence. That you’re romantic lovers, that the car breaks down, that you have to go to work, doesn’t in any way diminish the force and effect of being with, and considering yourself in service to, her full-time. Slavery/submission/bottoming still works, and you are obtaining the mental, emotional, and spiritual benefits of her dominance even as – hopefully – she’s obtaining the benefits of your service.

  4. I was thinking about some of the complaints I have seen. By dominant (life style) women who are approached by rude, inconsiderate bottoms. Who treat these women as “kink dispensing machines”

    • I’m planning a post about that, I think it’s a combination of entitlement and a madonna/whore complex that makes the not-so-bright subs assume that a dominant woman is only good for sex/kink and couldn’t possibly be treated like a real person.

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