“how can i make my husband interested in femdom”

Another one from the search terms!

Here’s an interesting little tidbit: my very first thought was “you can’t”. Funny how we take men’s interests seriously in a way we just don’t for women. I can’t even tell you how happy I am to see this as a search term – I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve seen this question, where I’ve seen “how do I make my wife act out my desires like a puppet?” about a zillion fucking times.

The biggest difference is that I think it would be easier for a woman to ask her male partner to try femdom than the other way around. Asking someone to participate in a scene where you’re probably going to be telling them what to do anyway is much less scary for them than asking them to run a scene when they don’t know what they’re doing. To make a terribly nerdy analogy, it’s like asking someone to come play a roleplaying game with you versus asking them to be the dungeon master and run the game. One of these things is just less intimidating than the other.

I think the stereotype that men will do anything to get sex would be a bit of a wash in this case. Sure, many vanilla men’s idea of femdom is “having sex with a woman in a sexy leather outfit but with her on top” and that’s not exactly a hard sell, but let’s not forget there’s a reason so many submissive men have a terrible time accepting themselves. Letting someone else take charge is pretty fucking scary when you’ve had it beaten into you since birth that you’re not a man if you submit to anyone, especially a woman. Given the trouble so many women have getting even self-described submissive men to actually give up control, I feel pretty safe assuming it’s just as hard to get a vanilla man to submit as it is to get a vanilla woman to dominate.

All that said, if you’ve already read my post about how to introduce your partner to femdom, the rest of this post is going to be suspiciously familiar 🙂

Before you try to get someone else interested in femdom, you need to know what exactly you’re asking for. Do you want to keep it in the bedroom? Do you want to have some control of some things outside of the bedroom? Do you eventually want total control of everything? (spoiler: that one’s going to be a tough sell).

Even if you just want to have a little kinky sex now and then, you still need to be able to explain, in regular words, not kink jargon, exactly what you’re asking for. Are you interested in bondage? Impact play? Strictly interested in sensual play with no pain? Giving orders? Mind games? Humiliation? Chastity? Pet play? Even when both people are already kinky and theoretically already know all the jargon, there are still tons of opportunities for misunderstandings. It’s only going to be harder to explain yourself to someone who doesn’t have any idea what the difference between submitting and bottoming is, so for fucks sake use normal words. Making someone learn a whole glossary is not the way to sell them on kink 🙂

You’ve also got to be able to explain what’s in this for him. This is one of my biggest pet peeves with all the shitty advice submissive men get about trying to get their wives into femdom, practically none of it has a goddamn word to say about what could possibly be fun about dominating someone. It’s totally fine if one of the reasons submitting to you could possibly be fun for your partner is because it really turns you on and he likes turning you on, you’ve just got to have something to say about why he would ever want to do this.

Also, you’ve got to be prepared to compromise. Actually, what you really need to do first is accept that your husband may never be willing to even try doing anything kinky with you and that even if he does try, he might hate it and never want to do it again. What you should do about it if you need kink in your life and your husband isn’t interested in kink at all is a question I can’t answer for you, but I can say with certainty that you’ve got to be able to accept a no and not nag your husband relentlessly. Not only is that a dick move, it’s just not going to work so don’t waste your time.

But even if your husband does get into kink, there’s no guarantee he’ll like all the same things you do. If you’re lucky he’ll be willing to do things he’s not wild about occasionally to make you happy, but that’s not something you should count on. I recommend finding things that both of you actually like, if only because the more he likes kink, the more willing he’ll be to keep doing kinky things with you. I don’t know how that idea escapes so many submissive men but there’s a pretty clear precedent for kinky people just not getting that you have to make it fun for the vanilla person you’re trying to convert if you want them ever to show the slightest interest in kink.

And finally, you want to present this as a fun thing that might be fun to do together, not as some terrible personality flaw of yours. People take their cues from the people around them – if you act like being kinky is terrible, they’ll think it’s terrible. I’m not saying it’s not scary to tell your partner something so important about you, but it’ll go a lot better if you’ve accepted yourself as a perv and know that it’s pretty normal and definitely not a horrible secret.

Readers, do you have any advice for a dominant woman trying to get her husband into femdom?

One thought on ““how can i make my husband interested in femdom”

  1. Hah! My EXACT initial reaction too: “Oh that’s so cool, a baby F-type googling around for how to get her needs met!”

    And then, “Well, you kind of can’t. I mean. You can’t convert people. But there are all these other things to think about…”

    Whoever that lady is, I hope she has her questions answered and has a wonderful time exploring.

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