Is submission learnable?

As much as the idea of training as a universally recognized path to Doing Submission Correctly irritates the shit out of me, I do actually think that some parts of submission can be practiced. To be entirely clear, the fetishy idea that there is such a thing as The Marketplace and one correct way to submit and you just have to learn the right way to kneel, the right way to beg, and you’re set forever is completely ridiculous. That is how scenes work, but that is not even slightly how relationships work and I really wish people could keep that shit straight.

When I talk about submission being learnable, I am absolutely not talking about anything anyone would ever jerk off to in any situation ever. I’m talking about boring relationship skills that take work to learn and that don’t get anyone off.

Now that everyone who thinks that submission is exclusively about what gets them off is gone, let’s talk about specific skills.

The first and most important thing you can learn is who you are and what it is you really want. One thing that will come in handy here is a BDSM checklist. Yep, checklists sound boring don’t they. Do it anyway. One of the big strengths of checklists is that they include stuff you had never thought about, which is really useful when you’re trying to work out what you want and what you don’t. One of many things that particularly annoys me is when “submissive” guys act shocked and surprised that a dom is interested in something that doesn’t make his dick hard. You can parially avoid that by finding a comprehensive list of kinks, thinking about each one of them, figuring out which ones you would ever want to do, and more importantly, accepting that there are kinks that don’t turn you on. You should never ever treat it as a terrible surprise that a woman is interested in something that you aren’t. Women are people and have their own desires, etc, etc.

Another thing I highly recommend, and which I stole directly from Ferns, is to literally write down your idea of an ideal normal day with your partner. If you don’t have a partner, this is going to be a little bit harder, but try to imagine a reasonable human being who doesn’t live to fulfil your fantasies and has a job and hobbies and friends and maybe wants to see her family now and then. The key here is to think about a normal day, not like day 3 of your most intense fantasy of 24/7 slavery or whatever. When you get up in the morning, what happens? Do you get up early to make coffee for your partner and bring it to her in bed? Are you the least morning-person ever to hate mornings? In that case maybe you stay up after she goes to bed to set up the coffee maker so she only has to hit one button before she gets into the shower. What happens when you get home from work? Do you get started on dinner right away so she can have a nice meal when she gets home? Do you get home after she does and take the dog for a walk so she can make dinner without worrying about that? Do you check in before you leave work and see if she needs you to pick anything up on the way home? Do you wait for her to give you permission before you start eating? Do you keep it strictly vanilla until after dinner or until bedtime? Does she control small choices like what you wear to work or does she want you to take care of the little things so she doesn’t have to worry about them? Do you check in with her during the way, or do you both concentrate on your work? No judgement from me either way, but you want to be on the same page about that. Personally I like some contact with my partner throughout the day but I can in no way be bothered to give him permission to use the bathroom or go for lunch or have another cup of tea.

For me, micromanagement is so much more work than I’m interested in. For another person, that may be how she shows love and how she likes to run her relationships. That’s why it’s important to figure out what you want, so you can tell people what you want, look at what they want, and figure out if there’s any chance at all you might be compatible. Knowing what you want is absolutely essential to communicating clearly with a potential partner, and communicating clearly with a potential partner is absolutely essential to actually having a happy d/s relationship.

Another thing that’s possible to practice is letting someone else be in charge. You can do it at work, right? And you’ve definitely accepted assignments from your teachers, whether that was in high school or college/university. It is a bit of a leap to accepting orders in a personal and/or romantic relationship, but that just takes practice. It’s not exactly the same thing, but theoretically it should be possible to practice taking orders with people who aren’t your dom. Think about what lets you do it in some situations and see what you can apply to taking orders from your dominant girlfriend.

It’s entirely unsexy, but something that could really help is meditating on a regular basis. No seriously, a big part of meditation is watching your thoughts as they pass by and learning that you don’t necessarily have to do anything about it just because you had a thought. You can figure out how this would apply to submission, right? Just because you have a reaction to an order in the moment doesn’t mean you need to freak out about it, maybe you just need to sit with it for a minute and think about whether it’s really you who has a problem with it or whether it’s just societal programming that says men should always be in charge or whether it’s just weird for you to take orders outside of your fantsies and you need a little practice.

Communication skills are also immensely useful. Not sexy, but useful, which I think is why they come up so rarely. One way to learn better communication skills is to learn about non-violent communication. In an emotionally charged situation, it can be really helpful to talk strictly about how you feel about another person’s actions and not make value judgements about those actions. There’s plenty of other advice about communication skills online if you google it. If non-violent communication doesn’t do it for you that doesn’t mean there isn’t something out there that will work better. And to be clear, NVC only works when everyone involved has good intentions. People can and do use NVC to be total douchebags and you need to be aware of that and to stand up for youself. If someone uses whatever communication skills or SJW language they have to make you feel like you’re a terrible person, ask youself why they’re still spending time around you if you’re so terrible. Hint: the answer is they want to control you.

To summarize, know thyself, understand that kinks that don’t do it for you exist, practice giving up control, mediate, and learn to communicate. None of those are sexy but I promise they’ll get you a lot farther toward finding a partner and having a happy relationship than babbling on about “training” as if that’s an actual thing that exists outside The Marketplace.

 

Fantasy, reality, and mismatches

As I was reading a thread about people immediately demanding submission in that one Fetlife group I like, I had a thought. Well, a couple of related thoughts. 1) I thinking roleplaying online is perfectly fine as long as it’s clear that’s what you’re doing, and 2) I think a big chunk of what makes people miserable trying to find a kinky partner is mixing up roleplayers and realists.

To recap the original post from that thread, the OP was curious if it’s normal and accepted or something that’s just brushed off as silliness or what when somebody puts stuff on their profile like “Anyone who wishes to speak with me will address me as Goddess/Mistress/High Grand Poobah”. Most of the replies were “yeah, that’s ridiculous, but at least they make it obvious that they’re not compatible with reasonable human beings who are looking for a dominant girlfriend” and some touched on the roleplaying aspect.

That is, a few commenters mentioned that some people are really just on Fetlife (or actual dating sites) to roleplay. I keep forgetting that’s a thing because I’m personally uninterested in it, but you know, as long as you’re honest about being a roleplayer I think it’s perfectly fine. People do all sorts of weird and sometimes shitty things, in comparison what’s the harm in a little make-believe?

I think the key is “as long as you’re honest about it.” Sure, I know it’s really really common for admitting it’s a fantasy to ruin the fantasy, but that’s just too fucking bad. Everybody who plays dungeons and dragons somehow manages to have a good time even though they all know there’s no such thing as elves, orcs, dragons, or wizards and that they’re not actually going to pack up and go on a quest to slay a demon. Of course, admitting it’s just roleplay is just one part of the “be honest” problem.

The other part is having enough self awareness to even know that you’re a roleplayer. We’ve all seen the sad, whiny threads started by guys who just can’t figure out why no one online is “real” (oh, the irony), by which he means interested in acting out his fantasy to his exact specifications. Because he can never find someone who can read his mind, he’s never going to take things offline, at least not with anyone he isn’t paying handsomely to put up with his shit. These guys probably think they want a dominant girlfriend but because no actual human being can ever be perfect enough for them, they’re effectively roleplayers and dishonest ones at that.

And then there are people who are convinced everyone is a roleplayer and nobody actually meets in person and does this stuff. That would just be weird! Why would they need to tell people they’re not interested in taking things offline when obviously nobody else really is either? I’ll admit here that I’ve failed at the other side of that: it would never occur to me to mention on my profile that I’m not a roleplayer because why on earth would someone bother putting up a profile that said they were open to meeting people if they weren’t, you know, interested in meeting people?

Whether it’s outright douchebaggery or just a sad lack of any self awareness, roleplayers and people who actually want to form real life relationships seem to clash a lot when they don’t realize they want such different things. Take for instance the hypothetical dom in the thread that inspired this post, she’s (if she is in fact a she) obviously not looking for a relationship based on mutual respect, she’s looking for a little hot chat and possibly your credit card number. If you realize she’s a roleplayer and enjoy a little creative writing yourself, no problem! But if you believe you’re ever going to meet her in real life or see a movie or talk about your favourite books, you’re going to be thoroughly disappointed.

Another version of that clash is when a submissive roleplayer messages a dominant realist and ends up horribly surprised that she’s so pissed he’s never actually going to meet her for coffee. Isn’t it obvious I have a wife/girlfriend and I’m not going to leave her for some weirdo pervert? What do you mean people actually do this stuff in person? Why is this crazy lady suddenly so angry at me? What’s this world coming to?!!!

So how do you sort out roleplayers from realists so you can pursue your own kind?

Well, ideally I’d like roleplayers to admit it outright on their profiles. If they can’t do that, at least be openly ridiculous enough that people who are looking for an in-person girlfriend type relationship will steer clear. Which our hypothetical dom did, so good on her 🙂 And to be fair to roleplayers, realists should try to make that clear on their profiles too. Skip the yelling about “No timewasters!” though, that just makes you sound too dumb or too desperate to figure out someone isn’t compatible with you.

You can also read people’s profiles carefully, which you should be doing anyway. Do they sound like they stepped out of your favourite video? Then they’re either a roleplayer or have no idea what they’re doing, steer clear. Is their profile all about what turns them on? You can safely assume that’s either all they want to talk about or they’re so bad at communicating that you should steer clear anyway. Or for the roleplayers, is their profile all about who they are as a person as if that matters? They’re a realist, you’ll just make each other unhappy. Is there next to nothing about their kinks on the profile? They probably don’t want to talk about their turnons with random strangers, you’re not going to get what you want from them.

It’s not bad to be a roleplayer, and it’s not bad to be a realist, but it is a dick move not to be honest about which one you are. Don’t be a dick, okay?

Another take on self-acceptance

Recently I got a nice message from a reader about self acceptance and figured that’s as good an excuse as any to write about something I’ve been thinking about anyway. Unlike some sadists, I’ve never worried very much about whether I’m evil or profoundly disturbed or going to end up a serial killer or something. I do sometimes get a little anxious after scenes and need to be reassured that the specific person I played with had a good time and still likes me, but I’ve never had that “shit, am I evil?” fear that isn’t exactly unknown among sadists.

So like I’ve said earlier, I had a shitty childhood. And weirdly, I think that’s connected to my lack of fear that being a sadist means I’m evil. My theory is that experience, as shitty as it was, gave me a clearer picture of what an actually seriously bad person looks like than most people get.

It seems pretty clear to me that I only want to play with people who want to go there with me. That’s where the magic happens for me – I think it’s a sweet gesture and very meaningful if someone who doesn’t like pain chooses to endure it for me, but what I really love is flogging someone who does the happy masochist dance and asks for more. I care a whole lot about whether they have a good time and if they got to go where they wanted to emotionally and if they want to play with me again. I ask people what kind of aftercare they like and tell them what kind of aftercare I like. That just doesn’t match up at all with my experiences of actually bad people.

If you’re worried about whether you’re a bad person, well a) you’re probably not because serious assholes do not, in my experience, ever consider the possibility they could be assholes, and b) read about actual bad people in the news. You’re not like them if you care at all about your play partners.

While I’m at it, nobody fucking cares what kind of fucked up shit you fantasize about. There is no such thing as a thought crime! You’ve got to be fucking careful if you try to act out, say, an abduction fantasy, but just jerking off to that idea or thinking about doing it (carefully!) for real doesn’t make you a bad person. I’d also prefer that people into problematic kinks like forced feminization just fucking admit that those kinks are problematic and prove they actually do respect women by treating them like actual people whose needs, wants, likes, and dislikes actually matter, but simply fantasizing about something does not make you a bad person. It may mean I personally have no patience for you, but it doesn’t mean you’re irredeemably terrible. Just don’t fucking tell me about how you’re sure that forced femme isn’t misgynistic because a) it is and b) fuck off.

It’s true you can effectively be a bad person without having any bad intentions by being a thoughtless dumbass, but if you’re worrying about whether or not you’re a good person then being thoughtless is probably not the problem you’re having 🙂

And for submissive people in particular, especially submissive men, how on earth are you harming anyone by being submissive? You can certainly be harmful by being a dick to people who don’t dominate you the way you want to be dominated and blaming them for it, but if you’re not actually being a jerk to anyone then what the fuck is the harm in being submissive?

I know society in general (and many people in it) says submissive men that you’re bad men and failures and nobody will ever love you. If you’re not hurting anyone, the people judging you can fuck right off. You are the grownup now, you get to decide what manliness means to you (link goes to obligatory XKCD comic, which you should really read because that one is especially great). Not giving a shit what haters think of you is super manly by any definition, so you do you. Being submissive is also pretty fucking badass: it means you’re attracted (assuming you’re straight) to the kind of women that average guys would run away from crying. Plenty of men like the idea of a “dominatrix” in the sense of a woman who will dress up in leather or latex and get on top. Far fewer men can deal with a woman who has ideas of her own and won’t do what he tells her just because he’s a man.

But even aside from that, if you’re feeling shitty about yourself, just think about what you learned about what it means to be a good person when you were little. Do you treat people well? Even in situations where you could get away with being a jerk to the barista? Do you try to do good in the world? Are you kind to animals? Do you give to charity if you have something to spare? Do you try not to be an asshole if you can avoid it? Then anyone judging you needs to spend more time worrying about whether they are a good person and less time getting up in your business.

How to get responses on Fetlife

Maybe if I title a post with the exact search string I saw in my stats, people will read it 🙂 A lot of this advice is going to sound familiar if you’ve already read my post how to make friends on fetlife for the hard of thinking, but in the spirit of the holidays this post is going to be a bit gentler of a guide to getting responses to your fetlife (or collarspace or okcupid or whatever social network or personals site you choose to message people on) messages. Merry Christmas, I’m going to teach you how to get responses to your messages!

Disclaimer: this guide is aimed at submissive men who are interested in dominant women. Some of it might be helpful if you’re not a straight submissive guy, and I hope it will, but at least some of it is going to be irrelevant.

My very first tip is going to be a little bit frustrating, but seriously, it will save you misery in the long run. That tip is to wait! Do not message people in late December or early January, they are busy, you will not get good results. In general, don’t expect quick replies around major holidays – I wouldn’t message someone in the US around the time of their thanksgiving either. People aren’t being jerks by not replying or replying very slowly, it’s just that stuff is more likely to fall through the cracks when they’re already very busy and if you want good results, you’ve got to set people up for success.

Speaking of which, it’s a lot easier to get a response if you give the person you’ve messaged something to work with. Granted I overthink things like it’s my job, but even with people who can just dash off a message without editing it repeatedly it’s only going to help if you make it easy for them to figure out what to say in reply. Mention something you have in common, ask them a question about something in their profile (but NOT about their kinks/fetishes) or something in their writings or something on their blog/website if they have one or something they said in a group you’re both members of. Questions are easy to answer and common interests make it easy to reply with stuff like “Oh you’re a fan of ___ too? Did you see/hear/play their latest movie/album/game?”

I do have to stress that you should NOT ask any questions about a person’s kinks in the first message. You can literally never go wrong by treating someone like a person first. There will be lots of time later to talk about kinks if you even turn out to like each other, and if you don’t end up liking each other than there’s really no point talking about kinks. Yes, you could make the argument that if a certain kink is an absolute must have for you and you’re not interested in a relationship that doesn’t involve that kink then you should bring it up right away so as not to waste time on a woman who won’t make your dick happy, but you would only make that argument if you were a jackass who deserves to stay lonely so don’t do it. If you only want to get to know someone if she’s willing to make your dick happy, you don’t actually want to get to know her. Bonus tip: being interested in a particular kink in general tells you absolutely nothing about her willingness to do that thing with you.

Another note about asking someone a question: you are going to have to read their profile or something else they’ve written to figure out what to ask about. Of course, you should have done that anyway because you’re not just messaging people at random, right? You know, that deserves its own paragraph at least.

The single biggest thing you can do get responses to your messages on any social network or dating site is to choose people who might possibly want to hear from you! Do not message people at random, that’s a waste of everyone’s time. Do not message people because their pictures made you feel funny in your pants, that’s a waste of everyone’s time. Do not message people because they’re a woman who lives within a hundred miles of you, that’s a waste of everyone’s time.

Do message people because you’ve read their profile/blog/writings/posts and comments in discussions/anything else they’ve written and the two of you actually have something in common and they seem to be open to hearing from strangers and are interested in people of your gender (if you’re messaging them because you want to play and/or date). Particularly in the case of fetlife, many people have profiles just to keep up with friends or participate in groups and are very clear about that. If you read their profile first, you will not embarrass yourself and waste everyone’s time by bothering someone who doesn’t want to hear from you. There are people who have things in common with you and are interested in people like you, the best thing you can do for your reply rate is to message them, not people you have nothing in common with.

Something I see a lot of questions about is how to address someone in the first message. This is another reason you want to read their profile carefully – if someone really likes being called Domina, for example, she might say so on her profile. If there aren’t any clues like that (which is not at all unusual, don’t feel like a failure because you couldn’t find a clue that wasn’t there), just use her screen name. No reasonable human being is going to be mad that you called them what they chose to call themselves.

And finally, context! Don’t forget about context! By that I mean, I and probably lots of other dominant women look at messages from people in the context of their profile. If you send me a great message but your pictures are a weird little shrine to your dick (or god forbid, your avatar is a dickpic), your odds of getting a response just tanked. Same if your profile and/or pictures are all about what you want done to you or your fetish list is twice as long as your profile. When I’m deciding whether or not to reply to a message, I think about whether I’m likely to get treated like a person or like a malfunctioning vending machine. If your profile makes me think that you’re likely to treat me like a malfunctioning vending machine (you know that stupid shit some guys do where they tell you what they want, then you try to start a conversation, then they tell you what they want again as if you’re a vending machine that just didn’t register that they pressed B5 already?) if I don’t immediately hand out the kink you want, you’re not getting a reply.

This is another one of those “choose people who might possibly want to hear from you!” things. Look at the profile of the person you want to message and compare how much time you spend talking about your kinks on your profile versus how much time she does. If your ratios of directly kinky stuff versus who you are as a person and what you want in a relationship are completely different, that’s a clue you might not be compatible.

Finally, on the subject of compatibility: messaging someone and getting a reply or not means nothing about your worth as a person. At worst all it means is that you’re not compatible with them, and it might only mean that they were busy or on vacation or got sick or even just lost track of time (er, not that I would ever do such a thing :). I know rejection sucks, nobody is saying it doesn’t, but it’s not about whether you’re fundamentally unloveable.

Think of it this way, if you go out to an Italian restaurant and don’t like it because you’d rather have Thai, that doesn’t mean you hate the chef or think they’re a terrible person who should never cook again, it just means you like Thai food better. If you send a respectful message to someone you have things in common with and don’t get a reply, all it means is that you offered them Italian when they were in the mood for Thai.

Readers, do you have any more tips for sending messages that actually get replies?

“why every women should try femdom”

Somebody found my blog by searching for “why every women should try femdom” and if they weren’t disappointed already, they sure will be now 🙂

Every woman should most certainly not try femdom. If you’re already curious or at least undecided one way or the other, sure, by all means give it a shot. But if you already know that’s not for you, then you should in no way feel obligated to waste your time doing something you know you won’t like.

Sure, in general I think trying stuff is a good way to find new stuff you really enjoy, but that absolutely does not mean people should try stuff they know they aren’t into. Trying shit out is for stuff you don’t know if you’ll like, stuff you’re willing to try because your partner really likes it, stuff you just never thought about doing and don’t have a strong opinion about one way or the other. It’s not for stuff that actively turns you off.

If anyone out there is getting hassled to try stuff they don’t fucking want to, you officially have my permission to not do it. If your partner won’t knock it the fuck off, send them here and I’ll straighten them out. I’m just so goddamn tired of hearing about women being pressured to fulfill every last one of their male partners’ fantasies as if they’re nothing more than malfunctioning sex toys. Everyone – women in particular, but this applies to everyone – you don’t have to do anything kinky if you don’t fucking want to.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re open-minded.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re good, giving, and game.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re not a prude.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re not boring.

You don’t have to do it because your partner thinks you owe him.

YOU DON’T FUCKING HAVE TO.

No, every woman should NOT try femdom. Women should try what they’re personally interested in and comfortable trying. Saying every woman should try femdom is saying “I don’t care what she enjoys, I just want her to make my dick happy.”

Kink in public: keep it to yourself, asshole

Honestly, just go read this excellent tumblr post, I really don’t have that much to add.

If you absorb nothing else from that post, take this one thing: those people going about their day in public DID NOT CONSENT TO BEING PART OF YOUR SCENE.

I’m not saying that you can’t ever do anything the tiniest bit kinky if you’re not behind multiple locked doors, just that you need to not be a complete fucking asshole about it. It’s not doing something kinky outside of your house that’s the problem, it’s involving non-consenting people in your scene like a gross fucking creeper.

It’s really not the point of this post, but there are plenty of ways to subtly enjoy your kink in public without anyone else ever knowing about it. Think about it for a couple of seconds or google it if you need to. Here’s a hint: code words are really handy.

If you’re not willing to put any thought at all into doing kinky stuff quietly in a way no one else would notice, then can you please just fucking admit that you’re only doing stuff in public to freak out non-consenting vanilla people who are just trying to get through their days? To be clear, you’d still be an asshole if you did admit you just like freaking out the vanillas but at least you’d be an honest asshole.

And don’t start with the “oh noes ur kinkshaming!” bullshit. Kink involves consenting adults only. If you involve people without their consent, you’re just an asshole. Stop pretending you’re special and you’re tooOooOOOoo kinky to keep it to yourself, we all know the truth. Knock that shit off you tacky little brat.

While I’m at it, putting kinky picture online is fine, but for shits sake don’t tag them in a way that means people having a shitty day and looking for a little distraction can’t safely browse, say, the kitten tag (scroll through the results long enough and it’ll just make you sad). If there’s kink or nudity in your picture, tag it properly it’s not that fucking hard what the fuck is wrong with people. Non-kinky people exist and shouldn’t have kink shoved in their faces when they’re looking for cute pictures of kittens. And even kinky people like me sometimes just want to see cute pictures of kittens too, what is so fucking terrible about that?

One final point: don’t be a white person with dreadlocks. Just don’t.

 

Bonus spite: more music

Why? Because I can 🙂

What kind of sorcery makes a fucking recorder sound good?! For those who’ve been spared the misery, a recorder is a terrible wind instrument given to small children to make awful high pitched squeaking noises until a nearby adult snaps and hides it forever.

This is how you make a song with few and repetitive lyrics actually sound good. Serena Ryder, I hope you’re taking notes. Stompa was so good, how did you fuck up so badly with got your number?

Normally I hate remixes but this one is actually really good.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for ages, now you will too >:)

Just listen to everything REZZ has ever done, she is fucking amazing.

 

How to arrange a gangbang as if you’re a fucking grownup

Not so long ago some stupid creepy fuck in my area posted a personal ad that convinced multiple people he was trying to get some poor girl raped. That creepy fuck fucked up so badly that I very strongly and very bluntly agreed with someone I can’t stand just to have a chance of protecting someone from that loathsome asshole.

On the upside, there is something we can learn from Creepy McRapester and his creepy, rapey thread. But first, a bit of a disclaimer:

It is OK to fantasize about being the subject of a gang bang. It is OK to get off on it. It is OK to plan to actually do it. It is OK to go through with that plan. It is OK to be super fucking turned on by anonymous sex. Absolutely none of that makes you a bad person or in any way means you could ever possibly under any circumstances deserve to be harmed.

What’s not okay is to so profoundly fuck up your planning that it’s a near certainty that someone will get raped. To be absolutely 100% clear: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO RISK RAPING SOMEONE FOR A SCENE. NO SCENE IS THAT IMPORTANT. NEGOTIATE IN PERSON LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING GROWNUP YOU STUPID FUCK.

Okay, we’re all on the same page now, right?

If you want to set up a gang bang or abduction scene (or a two in one), it is simply not that complicated. Oh, here’s another disclaimer: I have never done this and probably never will. However, I have the vaguest hint of a concept of common sense which is really all you need to make sure nobody gets raped – yes, gangbangs are never perfectly risk free but neither is having a shower. Seriously, it is not that fucking complicated.

First of all, the gold standard of consent is to talk with the bang-ee IN PERSON. You absolutely must be able to identify the person who wants to be surprise gang-banged WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. IF THERE IS ANY DOUBT WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER DO NOT RAPE HER. You absolutely must be absolutely certain about what she wants to happen, what she doesn’t want to happen, when it should happen, where it should happen, how to tell if she’s not having fun anymore, who to call if she’s not having fun anymore, how to tell she if is having fun, and for shits sake you had better fucking know what her safeword is.

Okay, but maybe her fantasy is to not know who is coming for her. Again, wanting that does not make her a bad person.

And again, it’s really fucking simple (not easy, but simple) to do this safely. First, she needs someone she can trust absolutely. This should be someone she has known for multiple years and played with many times. This person should then look for people they have known for multiple years and have watched play many times and above all, people whose former partners have good things to say about them. False accusations are near-universally bullshit – you are more likely to win the lottery than be falsely accused of rape, you are more likely to die of alcohol poisoning than to be falsely accused or rape, you are more likely to be killed by an asteroid or comet than you are to be falsely accused of rape, you are more likely to become an NFL player than be falsely accused of rape, and finally, men, you are 82-MOTHERFUCKING-THOUSAND TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE RAPED YOURSELF THAN TO BE FALSELY ACCUSED OF RAPE. So let’s not pretend false rape accusations are a thing – if your ex partners accuse you of assaulting them, it’s probably because you fucking assaulted them. If you’re arranging a gangbang for someone you presumably care about, why the shit would you take any unnecessary risks? Choose people you know are safe goddammit.

Once you find these people who you have known for years and have vetted the shit out of (convince your female friends you will believe ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING they tell you, then ask them for the real dirt on every one of those guys. Women share all kinds of things with each other that they don’t bother to tell men because it’s not worth the hassle of explaining to some douchebag that no, a short skirt does not mean you’re asking for it what the fuck is even wrong with people), you talk with them in excruciating detail about what your friend wants to happen, what she doesn’t want to happen, when it should happen, where it should happen, how to tell if she’s not having fun anymore, who to call if she’s not having fun anymore, how to tell she if is having fun, and what her safeword is.

Sure, the longer you’ve known all of those men the more likely your friend who wants a gangbang has met some or all of them, which does kinda ruin the anonymity part. That’s kinda just too fucking bad. If anonymity is that important, wear a fucking mask. Or cultivate a deep years long friendship with someone who lives in another city, and have him recruit people from his circle of friends who he has known for even more years and trusts absolutely.

Note that I have not mentioned recruiting total fucking strangers as an option because that’s fucking idiotic. The best case scenario is a totally unacceptable risk of the gangbang-ee getting raped, and the worst case scenario is a near certainty of her getting raped. DON’T FUCKING DO IT. What kind of worthless asshole takes a stranger’s word that that girl over there who he has never talked with in person totally wants to be ambushed and gangbanged, no for really real, she totally does? Get back in your dumpster where you belong and never touch another human being again.

While arranging a gangbang is never risk free, it is simply not that complicated to minimize the risk of the gangbangee getting hurt. It is totally okay to want to be gangbanged or to be part of gangbanging someone, but it is absolutely not okay to fuck it up to the point where you convince multiple people that you are trying to get someone raped. GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

Dealbreakers

Why yes, I read this post by Ferrett ages ago and am only just now getting around to blogging about it 🙂 The gist of it is that if it comes up naturally, he’s going to talk about how great his other partners are and if that’s a problem for you then you shouldn’t date him.

That seems pretty reasonable, right? I mean, if you never want to hear about your partner’s other partners, wouldn’t you want to know that this new guy is likely to squee about his partners before you get attached? That’s why I was surprised by the amount of pushback in the comments. According to a bunch of people, it’s terrible to warn people about stuff that might be a dealbreaker for them before they even start dating you. Yeah, I’m confused too.

Using myself as an example, I swear a lot (which I’m sure comes as a terrible shock to my regular readers). Even if I were willing to rein that in for a friend or play partner (which I’m not, but that’s a separate issue), they would have to accept that I would occasionally fuck it up. If you don’t like to hear any swearing at all, I am simply not the right person to spend time with. Now, if I waited until you were attached to me to spring that on you, that would be a dick move at best and coercive at worst. But if I tell you right up front that I often swear, now you can make an informed decision about whether to spend time around me.

I fully understand that some people don’t like swearing and they have every right to decide what kind of language they want in their life. I’m still not willing to change the way I talk. If you don’t want to hear any swear words, we’re just incompatible. That seems pretty important to know up front and that’s really all Ferret’s doing. He’s not saying “thou shalt tolerate me gushing about my other partners whether thou likest it or not!” he’s saying “This is how I behave on dates. Keep it in mind when you decide whether or not to date me.”

My best guess is that what people were really freaking out about was Ferrett’s refusal to change his behaviour. I can kinda sorta maybe see the argument that not gushing about your other partners shouldn’t be that hard to do for somebody you like enough to date, but it’s fucking exhausting to watch what you say all the time. Either way, that’s who Ferrett is and it’s kind of a dick move to tell people they can’t be who they naturally are because some theoretical future partner might not like it.

Lots of people are incompatible with each other for all sorts of reasons, I just don’t see what’s such a big deal about that. And you know, I wish more people were that open and honest about stuff they do that’s not going to change. I mean, how many awful sad stories have you read about people who’s partners told them they could change, only to slowly and painfully figure out that actually they couldn’t change and eventually that killed the relationship? Kinky guys who thought they could ignore it, I’m looking at you. Seriously, if someone tells you about an issue that’s a dealbreaker for you before you even start dating them, that’s a fucking gift and you should be grateful, not pissy. Blunt discussions of dealbreakers forever!

Readers, how do you feel about dealbreakers? Would you rather hear about them before you get attached or do you want a chance to get to know people and make decisions on a case by case basis?

Is kink inherently sexual?

No.

 

Okay, that’s a pretty boring post on its own, I guess I could elaborate 🙂

Credit where it’s due, this post is inspired by an email from a reader ages and ages ago that I obsessed about until it had been so long since I got the email that it would just be weird if I finally replied. If you’re still out there reader, this is for you and I’m sorry I’m kind of a fuckup 🙂

Anyway, for some people, kink is sexual. For other people, it’s not. I kind of don’t understand how this is even a question because obviously kinky asexual people exist, so there’s definitely something going on there besides sexual turn-ons.

If you say that kink is inherently sexual for absolutely everyone, you’re being an asshole. Other people, asexual or not, can have very different experiences (I swear Andrea Zanin once wrote a post about how she discovered that non-sexual kink was still satisfying to her after a health issue made it painful to do anything sexual, but fucked if I can find it again). Just because you like things one way doesn’t mean everyone else does.

I mean, how is this even news if you’ve graduated from kindergarten? I can’t stand cilantro (it tastes like soapy green death to me), but I understand that other people love the stuff. I need large amounts of time to be left alone to play videogames or otherwise screw around on the internet, but I understand that other people need to be around people. I love fall, other people love summer, I love genre fiction, other people love non-fiction, I write a blog, many other people don’t even like reading them, etc, etc. It’s not any sort of surprise that different people like different things outside of kink, so why are we pretending it’s a surprise that different people like different things inside of kink?

Even if kink is sexual for you, that doesn’t mean you can’t also have fun doing not-explicitly-sexual stuff. For me kink is closely tied to my sexuality, but I still enjoy the hell out of playing with other women (I’m straight, in case that never came up) in a non-sexual way. Honestly, women are great to play with – I enjoy reactions no matter which gender of person they come from, and women are fucking great at recognizing that I’m a person too and not pushing to make the scene purely about what gets them off.

There’s just something deeply satisfying for me about getting to beat on someone. Pain noises are great and I enjoy those too, and obviously I’d feel like an asshole if my partner wasn’t getting anything out of the scene, but there’s something else, some nonsexual thing that I’m not sure I can describe, that I get out of topping. It’s a bit like having had a really great meal, where you got just what you were craving and now you don’t need any more.

Just like kink isn’t fundamentally about sex, it’s not fundamentally about pain either (although some jerks certainly do have trouble with that concept). For some people it’s not even about their connection with their partner, which is bizarre to me because if I don’t have some kind of connection with the person I’m playing with I just can’t be bothered. Other people aren’t exactly like me and that’s fine, we don’t have to play together if we’re not compatible.

Play how you want to play, and absolutely say no to things that don’t work for you, but please, be a fucking grownup about it. Just because kink is sexual for you doesn’t mean it’s sexual for everyone.