How NOT to introduce your partner to femdom

Or, how many things can Elise Sutton get wrong in a single article? There’s a lot of bad advice out there for submissive men, but I think Elise Sutton’s is especially bad.

In the very first paragraph of her article How To Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend To The Female Domination Lifestyle she says:

All women are superior to men and all women are a potential Dominatrix.

The idea that any gender is magically superior is so stupid it’s just boring, so let’s move on to the other horribly offensive part of this sentence. The idea that all women are potential dominatrixes is bad and wrong on so many levels. First of all, it’s hugely insulting to submissive women, switches, kinksters who aren’t interested in power exchange, and vanilla women to act like their preferences and identities don’t count. I think that submissive men are the hottest thing since humans discovered fire, but that doesn’t mean I can’t respect other people’s desires for dominant/switchy/kinky but not into power exchange/vanilla men.

Not only is saying that all women can be dominant insulting, it’s just wrong. Not all women can be or have any interest in being dominant. Given that, it’s just cruel to give the submissive men that article is aimed at false hope. Even if the wife or girlfriend they hope to introduce to femdom actually turns out to be interested in it, there’s no guarantee that her interests will be compatible with his. What if she ends up really enjoying giving orders, but what makes him feel like a good submissive is knowing what she needs before she has to give an order? What if she gets into verbal humiliation and cuckolding, but all he wants is some bondage and a spanking now and then?

This is a little bit of an aside, but for fuck’s sake people, not everyone has to be kinky. Enjoying missionary position sex with the lights out doesn’t mean you’re unadventurous or unevolved or boring or whatever. It just means you enjoy missionary position sex with the lights out.

Therefore, if you are a submissive male who is married or in a serious relationship with a woman, you need to search no further for your Dominatrix. She is right in front of you. The challenge for you is to draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature. This is not always easy, as most women have been programmed from the time they were born that they are to be in subjection to men.

The first part is just.. ugh, but the last part isn’t completely awful. It does take some time for women in particular to get used to the idea that being dominant doesn’t make them unlovable harridans.

However, if you seduce her dominant nature and draw it out of her, once it starts to come to the forefront then you can introduce her to some D&S and B&D activities. So how do you seduce your wife’s dominant nature with your submissive nature?

You begin by treating her like a Queen. You begin by serving her as if she was already the dominant woman of your dreams. Be humble and submissive around her. Don’t argue with her, don’t yell at her, and don’t give her any back talk. Your purpose in your relationship is to serve her. What she says goes, so be quick to agree with her.

Not every woman has a dominant nature! But moving on, don’t you think it would freak a woman out of her husband suddenly started acting ‘humble and submissive’ around her? Also, who’s to say your version of ‘humble and submissive’ has anything to do with what the woman who’s being submitted at actually wants? ‘Submissive’ is not the word I’d use for someone who does what makes him happy without asking me if that’s what I want. ‘Self-absorbed’ is what I’d call that. Agreeing with everything I say isn’t actually helpful either. If I come up with a plan, I really want to know if it’s a terrible plan. Just being submissive doesn’t mean a person’s input isn’t valuable.

Another thing that you can do to seduce your wife’s dominant nature is you can offer to give her foot and body massages.

Not everyone likes massages! Not everyone likes having their feet touched! It’s almost like there’s no dominant female hivemind.

Go and kneel next to her, take off her shoes, and rub her tired feet. As she relaxes in pleasure, work your massage up her legs and massage and lightly scratch her legs.

That’s awfully specific. Also, scratch my legs and I’ll slap you. I have extremely dry skin, and scratching it actually makes the itching worse. While we’re at it, a shoulder or neck massage would do me a lot more good than a foot massage since I spend my work day sitting down in front of a computer.

Eventually, you might take more liberty as you rub her feet. You might start to kiss and lick her feet. I wouldn’t do this the first time, but if she responds positively to the massages, then keep adding to them. You might work your kissing and licking from her feet, up her legs, and then to her crotch.

Not everyone likes having their feet kissed or licked! For that matter, not everyone likes having a massage suddenly turn into sexytimes. And that’s assuming the woman even likes oral sex, which not everyone does!

Kiss her body all over and make love to her with your mouth and tongue. Do not ever penetrate her with your penis, unless she requests it.

What if she doesn’t request it? Given the lack of communication this article assumes, I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to wonder what happens if this woman never feels comfortable requesting a particular sex act. Thanks to all of our culture’s myths about men and sex, she might even assume her partner doesn’t want to penetrate her and feel hurt and rejected.

Eventually, you might want to buy a vibrator or a dildo and you can please her with it.

Not everyone likes vibrators! Some women, like me, really really like bio cocks.

The goal is to get both you and her in the habit of viewing sex as being for the woman’s pleasure. It will be for the man’s pleasure only if the woman says so.

That’s a perfectly good goal if both partners get a chance to consent to it, but it’s kind of weird to just spring it on someone. She might be really turned on by her partner’s reactions, in which case sex that’s all about the man doing things to her could be boring and unsatisfying.

Whenever she give you permission to enter her or whenever she is giving you pleasure, always ask her permission before you climax. She will again probably be amazed that you are even asking, but eventually she will come to really like the idea that she controls your orgasms.

You’re not the boss of me, Elise! *stamps foot and pouts* I will not like orgasm control just because you say I should! Orgasm control also doesn’t work without fucking talking about it like grown ups. How is this woman supposed to know it’s okay to say no? How is she supposed to know how to handle it if her husband/boyfriend/partner gets frustrated? How is she supposed to know how much denial he can take before he needs an orgasm? I guess she’s just supposed to be psychic. Funny, I thought psychic-powers levels of anticipatory service were a submissive thing, not a dominant thing.

Still another way to seduce your wife’s dominant nature is to buy her little gifts, bring her flowers, and write poetry for her. Take her out to dinner or shopping. Perhaps you could even cook dinner for her and serve her dinner like a waiter. Another thing you can do is to prepare her a bubble bath, undress her, bathe her, then take her to the bedroom and orally service her.

Not everyone likes gifts, flowers, or poetry written for them! And again with the oral service. It’s almost like this whole article has more to do with what turns submissive men on than what might actually make their partners happy.

You could buy her a leather skirt or a pair of leather pants and compliment her on how sexy she looks in leather and how submissive seeing her in leather makes you feel.

Really? Dressing her up like a dolly is supposed to make her feel dominant? Also, I missed the part where the man explains what submission is, how he feels, and why she would want him to feel extra submissive.

Whenever she asks you why you are treating her so good or acting so submissive around her, tell her it’s because you love her and because you have come to realize that women are superior beings, and as such they should be treated like Queens.

Yeah, being told that my partner has suddenly decided women are superior beings wouldn’t make me want to head for the hills. That’s not creepy at all.

When do you bring up D&S and B&D? When she starts to respond positively to your submission and she starts to ask you more about Female Domination.

Not ‘if’ she starts to respond positively to your submission, but ‘when’, huh? It’s awfully convenient how absolutely all women can be molded to fit their male partners’ fetishes.

From this point on, slowly introduce her to D&S and B&D. Buy her some fetish clothes, and maybe a leather paddle or a whip.

Not everyone likes fetish wear! Not everyone likes impact toys! Not everyone who likes impact toys like whips or paddles in particular. Learning to use a whip takes some work, deciding for her that she’s going to take up a time-consuming hobby is kind of a dick move.

 Not every woman will react the same and not every woman will grow at the same pace. However, I believe that if you are persistent and consistent than your wife will eventually overcome her inhibitions and she will allow her dominant nature to freely flow out of her.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Damn straight not every woman will react the same way. Some of us aren’t dominant! What you call persistence that could convince a woman it’s safe to try to overcome her inhibitions, I call relentless nagging that a woman eventually gives in to so she can have five minutes of peace.

Then she will totally seize the reigns of your relationship and she will fulfill her potential as the dominant woman that she was meant to be. Good Luck.

Take your ideas about what women are meant to be and fuck off. Female domination is more than just another way for women to fail to measure up.

30 thoughts on “How NOT to introduce your partner to femdom

  1. Not for nothing, but I have long suspected that “Elise” is actually a man who has perpetrated the longest running femdom hoax. Pretty much everything reads like a *male* femdom fantasy: chastity, denial, cuckolding, and humiliation figure highly in the Sutton universe.

    And it’s rather odd that in the ten or fifteen years that she has been writing, nobody – but nobody – even claims to have met, let alone know her. No pictures, no social network accounts, not even a guest appearance at a local munch?

    Not that you don’t raise some good points, because thousands of newb guys go looking for femdom stuff, and instead of finding good blogs like yours, they stumble across her (and similar) site think “Oh, that’s how it’s supposed to be,” and then proceed to become the annoying idiots on Fetlife.

    • Heh, I was going to throw in a bit about how Elise can’t seriously be a dominant woman, but my post was already so long I skipped it. The ‘asking permission to orgasm’ part really doesn’t ring true to me. I can’t believe an actual dominant woman would give advice like that without even mentioning that it’s generally really hard for women to get past the idea that denying a man makes them horrible, awful, no-good people.

      The really sad thing is I can imagine otherwise intelligent submissive guys who are desperate for some hope that one day they’ll have the femdom relationship they crave deciding to listen to ‘her’ rather than killjoys like me who keep saying that not all women are dominant and even if your wife is dominant that doesn’t mean her vision of d/s is remotely compatible with yours.

      • I had never heard of ‘Elise’ before, but even half way through this article it had become obvious you were quoting a guy fantasizing rather than the thoughts of an actual woman

          • Yeah, and again, this looks like it’s what men would *want* to hear.

            Elise is a man, or at least, is taking cues from a man. The entire site is the longest running femdom hoax on teh internetz.

          • Oh god. I couldn’t even read the “advice for women” article. I couldn’t get past that picture at the top.

            Let me just be perfectly clear here: in an Elise Sutton-y situation where I’m a “goddess” and my partner is inferior to me, I’m not going to prance around in a fucking leather thong and stiletto boots. Outfits like that are uncomfortable and restrict my movement; I have no reason to want to wear them. Certainly not to titillate my partner; why would I have any desire to please some inferior male that way? Might as well dress up pretty for the family dog.

            In my version of a D/s relationship, both parties are equal but just choosing to occupy certain roles, and everyone’s needs are important, so I’d wear sexy stuff sometimes for my partner even though I’d generally rather be casual/comfortable. But in an Elise Sutton-style D/s relationship, seriously, why the fuck would I bother? FLANNEL PAJAMAS ALL THE WAY.

            So yeah. Elise Sutton is totally a dude. Only a dude could believe that women are superior to men and that women exist to be sexy for men, without seeing any conflict.

      • See, the thing is that what Elise, et al. does *is* to hold out hope that your June Cleaver can actually become Mistress Cruella, and that, I believe, is why she remains so popular. Anyone following her advice will probably be disappointed if they are looking to turn their partner into their fantasy leather-clad, whip mistress, but since she presents all of the talking points, the men who read her at least have some hope that it can be done.

        The sad thing is that many of these men probably *could* have a partner who dominates them if only they would let go of those fetish-driven fantasies, and learn to negotiate with their partner. Instead, they will continue to pine for some kind of fantasy that generally only exists in porn.

  2. I love how “not all women respond at the same pace” It sounds like I am slow if I prefer to submit. That’s not a compliment. Please tell me where to find this article so I can try to keep my partner away from there. (We just got the perfect flavor of kink in our session. If they turn sub now it would ruin things lol)

  3. I once saw a submissive dude’s FetLife profile where he started off saying that he understood male submission is about what the dominant woman wants, not what the sub wants. And I thought “Oh, cool, someone who really gets it.”

    …The profile continued: “- I fully understand that a submissive’s rightful place is at his mistress’ feet, wearing women’s clothes, with his useless little clitty locked in chastity.” And I sighed and facepalmed because we were obviously back in fantasyland again.

    The Elise Sutton quotes in this post remind me of that profile: there’s an assumption that FemDom means doing what a woman wants, and here’s a list of what those wants will be. From every woman. Always..

    Submissive’ is not the word I’d use for someone who does what makes him happy without asking me if that’s what I want. ‘Self-absorbed’ is what I’d call that.

    FUCKING RIGHT. I really wanna slap guys who call themselves “submissive” when really they just have a fetish for foot worship and/or humiliation and/or cuckoldry and/or etc. SUBMISSION. MEANS. YOU. SUBMIT.

    Not everyone likes having their feet kissed or licked! For that matter, not everyone likes having a massage suddenly turn into sexytimes. And that’s assuming the woman even likes oral sex, which not everyone does!

    Also, some of us like oral sex but don’t enjoy the idea of floor-dirt being mouth-massaged into our ladybits. Which is why I’d prefer a dude to tell me ahead of time that he’s planning on sucking my feet so I can take greater pains with my hygiene that day.

    • Also, some of us like oral sex but don’t enjoy the idea of floor-dirt being mouth-massaged into our ladybits.

      Ewwww! Oh god, I didn’t even think of that. I like roaming the house barefoot (at least when it’s warm enough) and I much prefer my ladybits to be a floor-dirt-free zone.

    • Which is why I’d prefer a dude to tell me ahead of time that he’s planning on sucking my feet so I can take greater pains with my hygiene that day.

      My dom is a bio scientist (not exactly a germaphobe but lab habits die hard) and also likes the foot kissing stuff. I won’t bother going into the details, but how we go about out foot fetish kink may be considered more clinical than sexy by some.

  4. Seriously male submissives are a lot like regular men to me. Men almost always seem to think with their dick. When they are vanilla you get the “if you loved me you would xyz.” And when they are kinky its not so different, they a lot of times assume that a woman’s fetish coincides with their own.

    I would be a complete lesbian if it weren’t for the fact that I love to get plowed with an organic cock now and then. Men just don’t seem to have a lot of sensitivity anymore

    • Seriously male submissives are a lot like regular men to me.

      You know, that’s a really good point. As much as I wish submissive guys were all super awesome, lots of them are just jerks. Being submissive doesn’t magically transform a jerk into a non-jerk.

    • “Men almost always seem to think with their dick.”

      i really do find such huge generalizations painful. i KNOW im not one of the only ones who isnt like that.

    • “I would be a complete lesbian if it weren’t for the fact that I love to get plowed with an organic cock now and then”

      Urgh.

      “Men just don’t seem to have a lot of sensitivity anymore”

      Creepy generalisation.

  5. “From this point on, slowly introduce her to D&S and B&D. Buy her some fetish clothes, and maybe a leather paddle or a whip.

    Not everyone likes fetish wear! Not everyone likes impact toys! Not everyone who likes impact toys like whips or paddles in particular. Learning to use a whip takes some work, deciding for her that she’s going to take up a time-consuming hobby is kind of a dick move.”

    Plus the whole being-bought-FOR instead of choosing what one would like to PURCHASE is a fairly classic image of women as being acted *upon* instead of doing the acting.

  6. …because being submissive entails passive aggression and manipulation? I realize that if a couple is married and one party has no idea that the other is kinky, there’s a serious communication issue, but the answer to that should not be “continue to fail to communicate.”

    Also anyone who touches my feet is getting kicked in the head, and not in a sexy way.

  7. Thanks a lot for this post. I have been following Elise Suttons advice for about 2 years now on and off During this time me and my wife have been in a FLR relation on and off too. The first time we were in it for 3 months before i got frustrated and called it off. After 11 months of vanilla i begged my wife to give it another try.it lasted for less than 2 months and again we were back to normal (if we can call it that). After another 4 months i again approached her at New Years Eve. This time we entered this lifestyle with a few conditions that she laid down. The most important condition being “Dont expect too much.” , ” i will not do any things that i am not comfortable doing.”. It hasnt been a month and i am already getting frustrated again. So i decided to search the net to see what we were doing wrong.

    Its turns out the biggest mistake was to take ES’s advice and get my hopes all high. You are right about so many things. My wife doesn’t like getting her feet licked and i couldnt get that through my head. The fact that there are so many people praising Elise Sutton on the net that it made me think that she had to be right.

    It is only now that i am looking at it from a different angle and realizing that Elise Sutton was only playing on my fetish and forcing me to top from the bootom. i was acting to her expectations and not to my wifes.

    this article has actually been very helpful. thank you. you are a life saver.

    • Dear Sir, what ES has right is the “act as if”. Besides that, one size does not fit all. What I can suggest because so far it works for me is frame all conversation about FLR/DD/Ds/FemDom or whatever in terms of how it can improve your relationship. Tell her directly that your desire to have her lead the relationship is because she has got to be able to do a better job of it than you have. Convince her that the activities you want to try will reduce arguments and improve your relationship which is why you want to do it.

      I agree that dominant behavior in a woman requires some desire on her part to have power. If it’s there, it can be nurtured. Just make sure that you reward her dominant behavior with attention, affection, gifts and selfless acts and she’ll grow to her full potential. Good luck to all. In my mind, there is nothing more attractive than a confident, smiling, gets-what-she-wants woman. I make sure my wife knows this appeals to me whenever she displays herself this way and it really works for me.

  8. My Lady and I are both relative newbies, and I got very lucky in terms of having a receptive life partner willing to listen to a stumbling and halting dialog.

    For someone trying to figure it out, folks like Sutton are land mines. There’s some print material, but really the only resource for most is the net. Unfortunately, most of what we could find re-enforced stereotypes instead of giving real advice and examples on how not to be one. If we hadn’t stumbled across blogs like this one, and more importantly, the links to like-minded people, we’d still be running blind.

  9. The “All Women Are Superior Beings” theme runs through the popularly held public consciousness of what FemDom is about. From blogs to forums to porn, this myth persists, probably because it is so attractive to any sub-interested male who is only a few strokes from coming. The concept that you must serve all women and remain naked and in a chastity device in public for life will usually be enough to start the spurting and then the Pavlovian reward of ejaculation will imprint and reinforce the concept even further.

    Want to see a similar response? Go onto any cuckolding, hotwife site and read how white men state that the black race is superior and all white women should be bred by black men while their inferior white husbands are forced to watch and even must serve the “black bull.” It’s a delicious low self esteem mindset that keeps getting stronger with every orgasm.

    • From blogs to forums to porn, this myth persists, probably because it is so attractive to any sub-interested male who is only a few strokes from coming.

      Yep. I really wish these guys ever thought about kink when they weren’t just about to come, because any thought at all would make it painfully obvious how fucked up female supremacy is.

      Want to see a similar response? Go onto any cuckolding, hotwife site and read how white men state that the black race is superior and all white women should be bred by black men while their inferior white husbands are forced to watch and even must serve the “black bull.”

      Sad but true. As an aside, gee, I can’t imagine why so few people of colour feel comfortable at kink events when we fetishize them this way. I can definitely understand how jerking off to a particular idea over and over can reinforce it, but I just can’t understand not being able to separate “ideas you jerk off to” from “ideas about how the world ought to work in real life”. I’m guessing the problem is guys who only spend any time on femdom sites when they’re already hard, I’m just tired of people who only seem to remember femdom exists when they’re looking to get off.

      • > I’m just tired of people who only seem to remember femdom exists when they’re looking to get off.<

        That's the ONLY time they're interested. The rest of the time they're watching the game on TV!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *