“Real” doms are allowed to need reassurance

Or, yet another one of Stabbity’s pet peeves.

For fuck’s sake, doms are people. Peeeeeeeople. We have insecurities and flaws and bad days and need a little reassurance sometimes JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. It would be great if I could just magically not care about someone’s opinion unless I personally respected them. That would honestly be awesome, but it’s just not how life works.

If you ever need reassurance or to have your feelings validated or just a cup of [soothing beverage of your choice] and someone to make sympathetic noises, YOU ARE STILL A REAL DOM. Being a dom does not, has never, and will never mean that you magically lose the natural human need to be reassured once in a while. It is normal to feel shitty or uncertain sometimes and honestly, it takes a braver person to admit that and ask for help than it does to hide it. Doms are allowed to need comfort!

Once more for the people in the back: DOMS ARE ALLOWED TO NEED COMFORT. You are allowed to ask people to stroke your hair and tell you that the thing happening to you sucks even if you’re a dom.

While I’m at it, it’s smarter to ask for help when you’re having trouble with something (do as I say and not as I do and all that) than it is to muddle through on your own. Your problems are not unique, somebody else has been through similar things and even if their advice isn’t right for you, they can at least offer you something to think about. And you know, if you’re wondering if you’re the only one dealing with a problem, other people probably are too. Speaking up helps all of you, so consider it a public service if that’s what helps you ask for help 🙂

Why would you fumble around alone when someone else might have a solution that works great for you? Is being the perfect domly dom supposed to be more important to me than getting shit done? I’ve worked with people who stumble around doing things the hard way when they could have just asked for advice and it’s incredibly fucking irritating. You don’t look smarter or more resourceful when you refuse to ask for help, you look like a douchebag who thinks their pride is more important than solving a problem. As the dom, isn’t it your job to set a good example? Wouldn’t you want your sub to ask for advice when they didn’t know what to do?

If anyone ever tells you a real dom would never ask for reassurance, tell them to go fuck themselves. I have nothing but contempt for the idea that being a dom means I don’t also get to be a person.

5 thoughts on ““Real” doms are allowed to need reassurance

  1. A) love your blog. Big fan, first time commenter.
    B) Amen to this rant! Yes! Omg yes! Like: I tell other female Doms all the time- just because I’m a Dom doesn’t mean that I can get tackled by Depression & Insecurity Monster just like any woman (especially when Aunt Flo or any variety of other things is fucking with my hormones)!
    C) whenever I read one of your wonderful rants, I always find myself wishing for the reference/story behind what set it off! Lol. None of my business, of course, but I do come up with the most interesting back stories in my head…

  2. This. It’s so on point and perfect. I couldn’t agree more.

    I’m doing this meme thing called 30 Days of Kink and one question is about my kink pet peeve. I might just link this as a reply, because oh my gosh is it ever perfect. It actually sums up everything I feel about this topic in better words than I could ever find.

    So thank you!

  3. Hear hear.

    I wonder if this idea that doms should have no needs comes, well, partly from porn (fantasy people have no needs), but mostly from the idea that domination is masculine, so women who do it should be masculine in all ways. Men aren’t “supposed to” have needs other than sexual needs, so female doms who have emotional needs are deviating from their role. From this point of view, female doms are expected to follow male sex roles emotionally while following female sex roles about appearance. People with these ideas will criticise a female dom for showing emotion but will also criticise her if she doesn’t keep up the extensive, painful, and submissive level of grooming required for females.

    Well, I for one don’t accept that men should be expected not to have human needs. Since I reject this part of male socialisation for male people it’s probably no surprise that I also reject applying it to female people.

    I’m glad that subby partner of mine is happy to be comforted by me and to comfort me. Sex roles be damned.

  4. I didn’t know that there was some idea that doms don’t have needs or need reassurance. If anything lets say I was dating a dom I would want to reassure her.

    This is probably a porn induced idea that a dom is an invincible being perpetuated by people who haven’t thought about it for anything besides sex.

  5. Hi. Like you blog. So much out there is just fantasy especially Tumblr. In a personal sense I think that subs who cannot see a dominant as a real human being are being selfish, are only focusing on their needs/fantasies. They should not be seeking a relationship, but should probably see pros to realize their fantasies.

    My dominant and her fiancé are short on cash. They needed more funds for an important matter and posted a gofundme. She created and runs an online community. She does done a lot for the members, and it is very frustrating to me that not one person there offered to help her. She told me that because they only see her as a strong woman.

    My personal philosophy is that you should care enough to be there for the dominant, and though my role in her life is more limited than her fiancé, I am there for her.

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