This weekend I was at an awesome workshop of Mollena’s called “Strong Slaves, Bodacious Bottoms”. In it, she talked about how not all slaves are meek and silent and never dare make eye contact with a dominant. She also told some very painful sounding stories about how she had been told she was a bad slave or was assumed not to be submissive at all because she couldn’t cram herself into the tiny box of “how slaves are supposed to act”.
Fuck that noise. Strong submissives/slaves/bottoms/pets/masochists are awesome. Here’s why.
For starters, I would feel condescended to if someone did the whole “delicate, trembling flower of submission” act because they were worried I’d be intimidated by the real them. I’m not saying I never feel insecure, but my ego is not so fragile that I need everyone to cower in front of me like I’m Godzilla or something. It’s sad when men can’t deal with strong women, and it’s just as sad when doms can’t deal with strong subs. It’s 20-fucking-13, we should be past making our insecurities other people’s problems.
But more importantly, submissive people who kick ass and take names are fucking hot. Leashed power just does it for me. The captured warrior-prince is my thing, the worthless worm not so much. Not to mention, I get to feel special when someone super awesome chooses me of all people to submit to. I get to feel like the queen of the world when someone submits to me and only me because they think I’m just that good. If someone submitted to me only because they thought they couldn’t do better, or because I was the first person to show an interest, I would feel awful. I don’t want to be the “good enough I guess” option, I want to be the “fuck yes!” option.
Some people think that the quieter and smaller and “better trained” a submissive is, the better their master looks. I disagree. How much more badass is the master who can handle a slave who takes shit from no one?
If there can be more than one kind of dominant, there can damned well be more than one kind of submissive. Why try to cram everyone into the same boring little box when we can have a thousand awesome flavours of submission?
Yes, yes, and more yes. Most dominant women I know feel it’s more fun (and more interesting) to have a lion on a leash rather than a worm on a leash. As a submissive, if I have no sense of self-worth and I’m essentially giving myself to my partner, what kind of gift is that? “Here, have a worthless piece of crap. Enjoy.”
“A lion on a leash,” I like that. I don’t think I quite fit that description, but I am an intelligent, capable man. I was always so put off by the “worthless worm” stereotype and submissive men being used as a punchline (also the image of the ice queen domme) that I never really considered it as a possibility. Then when I started looking at kink more, I started reading things from the perspectives of real — and realistic — dominant women, and what I read was something that appealed to me.
I want a relationship where I stand up straight and hold my head up high, right until she tells me to kneel at her feet. I want to be desired. I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants me, specifically, not just any submissive.
Exactly! I’ve never understood how ‘I’m not worthy of your attention’ is supposed to be attractive. Someone who says that sure doesn’t think much of my taste.
I am a submissive. I have my own money and am NOT even close to co dependent. So I love this post. Why do I need to be a financial burden in order to be submissive?! Rock on stabbity!!!
It is refreshing to continue to see posts like this around the internet. As a newbie, I was afraid that I would have to somehow change who I was to fit inside the submissive ‘box,’ and it’s good to know, that I do not ( need to change who I am)!
I’m going to do my broken record thing and ask the question: considering the connotation that we have toward the term “submissive”, talking about a “strong submissive” almost seems oxymoronic. So, should we be thinking about a new or different term to describe what we mean?
It’s not really a different term, but I wonder if it would help to talk about having submissive desires or appetites instead of being submissive as an identity. Credit where it’s due, I got that idea from a workshop of Midori’s at the same conference.
The workshop in question was about advice she wished she had gotten when she first got into kink. I think it was more aimed at people who have both ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ desires, but even as a non-switch I think there’s something useful in the idea that having one particular desire doesn’t mean anything about how we want to live our regular, everyday lives. I mean, I fit relatively well into the top/dominant/sadist box, but I still get shit for not being shouty and bossy enough. Calling dominance a desire instead of an identity is kind of a subtle difference, but I think doing that might make it easier for people to understand that having a taste for dominance doesn’t tell you any more about the way I interact with people I’m not in a relationship with than having a taste for fancypants french chocolate does.
Absolutely love this post…..I’d rather be respected & coveted as a fiesty sub with substance than as a sub with none!! I’m of a strong personality & fiercely independant & yet I see it as a strength that I choose to be a sub & have the strength & discipline to achieve this, so yeah kind of oxymoronic lion on a leash!! Contained but not tamed!! Grrrowl!!
‘It’s not really a different term, but I wonder if it would help to talk about having submissive desires or appetites instead of being submissive as an identity. ‘
This makes a great deal of sense, thanks Stabbitty, for putting into words how it feels inside! 😉
I am currently sitting here writing my Myth Busting the Submissive Woman session for Eroticon2013 when I click on your blog and read this. Regardless of the gender of the dom this piece ROCKS! I think my Dom would completely agree with you… just he likes the warrior princess on her knees as opposed to prince!
Mollyxxx
Oh… fuck… yeah…
What else is there to say? Thank you.
I’ll rather be part of the thousand awesome flavours of submission than being crammed into some kind of boring box.
Great piece!
Rebel xox
Hear hear!
xx Dee
I *heart* this. So spot on. I was actually just over at Pandora Blake’s blog commenting on the same thing this morning. It seems like there is a bottom/sub revolution happening right now. For me, it comes down to releasing the persona of naughty girl, which is who I felt I needed to be during the earlier phases of my kink, and now I’m a just woman who wants to be spanked, who loves being spanked. It’s less “No, no, Sir, please no” and more “Bring it!” Viva la revolucion!
Perhaps a wolf pack may serve as an example.
The leader of the pack is the Alpha. The Alpha has authority, but not because the other wolves are wimpy. Perhaps the others are inclined to accept being dominated, so long as the Alpha has the will to do so?
I think that a submissive that misbehaves is a great thing!! It can get pretty boring if there is very little push back