Or, whenever I’m not sure what to write, there’s always something on Fetlife to get pissed off about.

For background, some sad little douchebag posted a writing giving terrible, slut-shaming, generally woman hating “advice” to women who are looking for a Master/Dom/Daddy. To quickly (and snarkily) summarize his points, the gist of the writing was that women aren’t paranoid enough about their hygiene already and should probably hate themselves more, women who post pictures of their bodies online are dirty sluts who can’t be taken seriously, women should be virginal little angels in public and only do dirty naughty things with one man, at all, EVAR, and that women shouldn’t hang on to the ridiculous notion that they have the right to get their needs met in a relationship or leave that relationship.

Now, if this writing had been titled “Soooo you want to be my slave/sub/babygirl”, I would have less of a problem with. It would still be some slut-shaming douchebaggery, but I’d be able to say “Wow, buddy. You are going to be single for a long, long time” and shrug it off. This universal requirements bullshit, however, is complete and utter bullshit, and I’m personally embarrassed to be even vaguely associated with an asshole like this. S-types, please please remember that you do not have to settle for this kind of douchecanoe. Unless public self-humiliation by being seen with a jackass like this is your kink, in which case…. party on?

On to the takedown!

1. How do you present yourself physically?

Do you actually care about how you look and or smell? […]

Dude, did no one ever read you Everyone Poops when you were little? I don’t know how you made it to adulthood without figuring this out, but newsflash: sometimes human bodies smell. Also, in case you’ve been living under a rock for the past 50 years, there’s an entire industry based on the idea that vaginas are fundamentally disgusting and smelly and need to be scoured clean and perfumed so that men can stand to be within ten metres of the owner of said terrible orifice. Women are already told every fucking day that our bodies aren’t good enough the way they are, we don’t need to hear it again from some little shit who can’t deal with the fact that women sweat, fart, and occasionally have unsexy bodily functions.

How I would fix this:

1. I have an extraordinarily sensitive nose and prefer to play with people who are freshly showered. Please let me know if you didn’t have time to shower before coming to the play party, I’d be happy to take a raincheck/negotiate a scene somewhere with a shower available.

There is a tiny part of this that Sir Douchebag didn’t get wrong. I do prefer people who put some care into their appearance and I’m sure many others do too. But by putting care into your appearance I don’t mean hating the fact that you are a mammal and trying to make yourself into a sterile sex doll. I’m talking about things like wearing clean clothing, having showered that morning, and having at least had some gum after eating strong smelling food.

2. How do you present yourself online?

If your pictures are all of your pussy, ass, tits or various scenes of sexual intercourse, how do you expect a Master, Dom or Daddy to take you seriously when you say you want a committed relationship? You are putting it all out there for all to see, comment on and think they can have […]

Someone should certainly be worrying about how they present themselves online, but it’s not the s-types, you slut-shaming assclown. What you’re saying here is that you don’t respect women who do things that harm no one but that you *gasp* don’t like. Now, I hate dick pic avatars as much as anyone else, but this writing, particularly that last line, is some pretty fucking blatant misogyny.

How I would fix this (leaving aside the obvious hatred of women, which is going to take far more than some rewording to fix):

2. I would really love to have a relationship where we appear to be a perfectly normal, well dressed couple and nobody but us knows how freaky we get behind closed doors. That contrast really does it for me.

There is actually a good point in that section of the original writing, but it’s buried at the very end and seems to be much less important to the author than making sure those dirty sluts know they’re worthless. It is actually true that how you present yourself online will affect how much interest you get from potential partners, particularly online. This is an extremely common issue in the Submissive men and women who love them group, where nicer people than I am have patiently explained over and over again that if your entire profile and posting history (protip: we can all see that at the bottom of your profile) is all about how life is terrible and you’re never going to find a dom and why won’t those stuck up bitches give me a chance, people are not super likely to think “Hey, this guy sounds like he would be a lot of fun!”

3. How do you act in public?

Are you bottoming and fucking anyone with a flogger and shows you a bit of attention?

Again with the slut shaming. I’m really starting to wonder if this guy has anything to say that’s not about hating women. Preferring to play in private and only with your partner is fine, shaming people for doing things differently is not. Does this sound exactly like vanilla guys who are threatened by sexually experienced women because they’re afraid they won’t measure up to anyone else? For contrast, a dom who was secure about his skills would be perfectly happy about having a very experienced submissive because people are going to think “Wow, she’s played with tons of great tops and she chose him. He must be something special!” not “Gee, it’s really terrible that he can impress someone who’s been in the scene for more than ten minutes.”

How I would fix this:

3. I prefer to play privately only with my partner. If you really enjoy casually playing in public with different people, I’m not likely to be right for you.

One of many things this guy doesn’t seem to understand is that it’s very common to want to try everything when you first get into the scene. We call it play because this is supposed to be fun! If casual play isn’t your thing that’s fine, but enjoying some casual play doesn’t mean you can’t commit to one person any more than having casual sex means you can’t commit to one person. Which this asshole undoubtedly believes, but that doesn’t mean you should.

4. Understand the M/s D/s is most definitely NOT about how you dictate how you want everything.

In the past few years I have seen a growing trend of “submissives/slaves” that are looking for a Master or Dom and all I see and hear is. “He or She will do the things I want the way I want or I will remove the collar and find someone who will”. […]

Actually, it’s really fucking important to know what you want out of a d/s relationship. There are as many relationships styles as there are people in them, how on earth are you supposed to figure out whether or not your preferred style is compatible with someone who doesn’t know what they want? Oh right, you’re frightened by grown up women and would feel safer with a living doll with no opinions of her own. Buy a RealDoll already, we’ll all be happier that way.

How I would fix this:

4. Don’t come to me with your ideal relationship completely scripted out and expect me to follow that script. A power exchange relationship is something we build together, not a fantasy that I act out for you.

Now, that’s not really what the original writing said, but it’s the most positive thing I could come up with that kind of relates to what DoucheyDom actually said. This guy seems really up in arms about the idea that s-types get to have needs and insist on getting those needs met. Again and again I see poorly hidden insecurity in this writing. It’s scary when women have experience, it’s scary when women do things that don’t turn me on, it’s scary when women say that not just anybody is good enough for them, it’s scary when women like things I don’t like. The problem here isn’t that s-types are a bunch of smelly, demanding sluts, it’s that this sad little shit is no way ready for a grown up relationship. Dude, go back to middle school. It’s much more your speed.