I’ve been planning this post for a while, and recently I ran into yet another post by some guy with a small dick who is utterly obsessed with it. Not even the same post that original inspired this blog post, a completely separate sad bastard who is completely obsessed with his dick inspired me to finally finish off this post and publish it.

Men, I come to you with a message of hope. This message is: no woman will ever ever ever care about your dick as much as you do.

No really, we don’t fucking care about your dick.

We. Do. Not. Care.

Fiiiine, there is such a thing as a size queen. Who gives a shit about that?  Toys exist. Strapons for people with penises exist. Penis extenders exist! If a woman is interested in a particular physical sensation, it’s not that fucking hard to get it. If she’s strictly looking for casual sex, then she might have less patience for finding just the right combination of toy & person, but on the other hand, she might be really fucking tired of men who think all they have to do is wave the almighty penis at her and she’ll have orgasm after orgasm. Size absolutely does not trump technique.

Not to mention, if the only thing a woman cares about is the size of the appendage she’s pretty fucking likely to go straight to come as you are (for example) and not bother talking with you. If she’s looking for an actual human person who can snuggle, bring her soup when she has a cold, and tell her she’s great, there are obviously things she’s looking before besides the size of your dick.

The majority of women do not give two shits about the size of your dick. You have heard that most women DO NOT ORGASM from penis-in-vagina sex, right? For most (MOST, the vast majority most) of us, it’s about oral, manual, and vibrators. Your dick is simply not that important. There are so many other ways to get us off if that’s what you actually care about. No seriously, having a small dick is never ever EVER an excuse not to try to get your partner off. If your tongue works, fucking use that. If at least one of your hands works, fucking use that. If you have any body part you can rub against her clitoris (and possibly her vulva too), do that! If you don’t have any cooperative body parts at the moment, tell her a sexy story or tell her how goddamn hot she is while she gets herself off. If being told what to do turns her on, then run with that! Tell her what to do, when to do it, and when to stop >:)

Remember: mouth, fingers, toys! There are so many – SO MANY – ways to get a woman off, having a small dick does not matter in the slightest,.

And you know, if you have enough control of your body to communicate your unspeakably boring obsession with your dick, you have the ability to fucking listen to what I like and tell me a sexy goddamn story at the very very least. Don’t pretend you are unable to get a woman off when what’s really happening is you’re too fucking lazy to try and have eroticized that fact.

What gets you in trouble is absolutely not the size of your dick. What gets you in trouble (that is, what scares off women who would otherwise have been delighted to hop into bed with you) is being completely and obviously obsessed with the size of your dick. That’s boring as fuck. I cannot overstate how dull an obsession with the size of your dick is. I don’t caaaaaaaaaaaaare about your goddamn dick. I care about whether you give a shit about getting me off. I care how sexy and loveable you make me feel.

Protip: you can’t make me feel attractive while you’re obsessing over your dick. Want to convince the woman you’re talking with that you don’t give a shit about her? Obsess about your dick. To be fair, a few women with poor boundaries and shitty self-esteem will try to fix you, but honestly most of us will hard pass on that shit. If you don’t like yourself, I can’t make you and I can’t be bothered to try. Look, I’ve got shit to do. Why would I waste my time on something I will never, ever succeed at?

If some asshole traumatized you over the size of your dick, that sucks and I’m sorry. I still can’t fix it. There is literally nothing whatsoever any woman can say that will make you feel good about your dick. You’ve got to work that shit out on your own time, none of us can fix that shit for you.

But back on the subject of how incredibly boring your obsession with your dick it, not only can you not make someone feel desirable while you freak out about how small your dick is, but you can’t be interesting while you’re obsessing over your dick either. I like to hear about people’s hobbies and interests when I’m getting to know them. I like to learn about what you care about, what you don’t, what you do for fun, what you never want to do again, what your perfect weekend would be like, what your favourite pub is (seriously, local readers, tell me which pub is your favourite), and you know, what you’re like as a human being.

Seriously, even if I’m just going to fuck them, I like to know there’s a human being in there who recognizes that I’m a human being too. I’ve personally never been into totally anonymous sex, I liked my friends with benefits to actually be my friends when we weren’t getting naked together.

I am not interested in anybody’s fixation on their dick, no matter what size said dick is. Even when I was single and looking to get laid, I did not fucking care about the size of a guy’s dick. What I cared about was whether he was likely to respect my boundaries and generally treat me like a person. If he could manage that, then the size of his dick simply did not matter. Even if he was just too large for me to deal with (I prefer not-too-long dicks, leave my cervix alone dammit), we would have been able to find something fun to do anyway as long as he saw me as a person.

So for the love of god, shut the fuck up about your dick. I promise you nobody else will ever ever ever care about your dick even 0.000000001% as much as you do. Your dick does not matter. There is no need to obsess about it. You are okay, the only problem is that you don’t believe that.