I spend a lot of time bitching about submissive guys doing it wrong, so for a change let’s talk about somebody doing it right.
Quite some time ago now my friend some_guy27 started a thread titled “questions from a newbie” in the Submissive men and women who love them Fetlife group.
I’ll be honest, when I saw the title I cringed a little. Most of the threads I’ve seen with titles like that were either questions that could have been answered in five minutes of reading the stickies, or thinly veiled personal ads. Some_guy27, however, really surprised me. Here’s the part of his original post that I found the most interesting:
I’ve been reading through some of the stickies and did some searches and found a lot of very helpful info, but a few of my questions weren’t really answered. For instance, this whole lifestyle is very new to me, and some of the suggestions you give are a bit intimidating and what not. Personally, I’ve always been the dominant one in my relationships. (Not really because “I” needed to be, but because “she” needed me to be) I kind of want to be the submissive one for a change, but I’m really not even sure that “submissive” is the correct word. (I’ve been bombarded with a whole new vocabulary since I joined the site) The standard advice is to know your limits and be up front with them. As a nOOb, I really don’t know what they are. I mean, realistically, I might actually REALLY like something that is currently off limits in my head right? I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t even know what it is that I don’t know?
Did you see that? He read the goddamn stickies! For once, somebody did their own research before asking the same question a thousand other people have and boring us all to tears in the process. Not only that, but he asked an interesting question. It’s sadly rare for people new to the scene to even be willing to question whether they’ve found the right label for themselves, or to realize that they might end up liking something that they have no interest in right now.
In case you don’t understand how rare it is for someone to actually read the stickies, have a look at that thread. If you scroll most of the way down the first page of replies, you’ll see dominant women play fighting over him. Many submissive guys seem to have trouble getting a single dominant woman’s attention, given that the most common questions I’ve seen in the submissive men and women who love them group are “why is it so hard to find a dom?”, “where do I find a dom?”, and “how do I get a dom to answer my messages?”, and somehow this guy has multiple women fighting over him! All it takes to get that kind of reaction from us is putting a tiny bit of effort into doing your own research and being friendly and pleasant to people who try to answer your question. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the bar is just not that high.
Just starting a good thread is impressive enough, but another thing that some_guy27 did right was sending me an entirely adorable thank you note for responding to his post. Because he reached out, we’ve been corresponding off and on for the last couple of years. Come to think of it, that’s another point in his favour – we live in different countries, and while we both travel now and then, we may never meet in person. And he still acted like I was worth his time! I can’t tell you how many whiny posts I’ve seen by men who went to one event, one time, didn’t instantly find a hot dominatrix who shares all of their kinks, and decided in person events are a waste of time and they’re never going back. It’s a nice change to talk with someone who has an interest in you as a person, independent of your ability to directly fulfill his fantasies.
Now, I don’t expect every new submissive man to be as charming as some_guy27, because frankly that’s a pretty high bar to clear, but you absolutely can read the stickies, ask questions that haven’t been done to death, and be grateful to the people who respond to your posts. Yes, it’s a little more work than just asking “wherr all the domz at?”, but you too can have a thread full of dominant women excited about you if you just give us something to work with. We want you to be awesome, but we need you to meet us half way.
I am in big love with this post. I love it.
Some_guy27 has asked a question that I, as a nervous beginner Domme, am wondering about too (but obviously from a Domme perspective – How do I know what I like? How do I know what beginner subs might like?)
I also love this point, “You absolutely can read the stickies, ask questions that haven’t been done to death, and be grateful to the people who respond to your posts.”
From the crazed propositions that I get sent, it’s clear that 99 per cent of new subs haven’t done any sort of research, and don’t intend to. I might be new to “all this” but I’m doing all the research I can, to be as knowledgeable as I can, so I can at least limit the amount of mistakes I’m bound to make.
I don’t know wh y everyone doesn’t do this. It’s not difficult, after all, what with t’internet and everything. The good thing is, though, that the people who do bother to put themselves out a little bit, they stand out a mile, so they always get replies. Good on them. And good on you for writing this – loved it!
Ooh, good question! I should write a blog post about that 😉
Thanks! I wish more people understood how easy it is to look good online. You don’t have to have some sort of extraordinary charm, you just need to make a token effort to be a decent human being.
I know this is going to sound incredibly dickish if me, but I have become completely repelled by anybody who is new. I was born this way, which does not make me better than people who came to it later in life, but I’ve always known what I wanted. That doesn’t mean that I always knew exactly how I would find a particular activity before I tried it, but the particulars are irrelevant for somebody like me. My submissive desires and fetishes are ingrained in me.
New people don’t put any effort in. They either act incredibly timid and stupid while ignoring all advice, or think they can just sit back and wait for what they want to come to them. My wife is my Domme, 24/7 in a non-kink way. She runs our marriage and our lives, but I was the one who contacted her. I am still my own person who is self-confident and capable.
Honestly, who wants somebody that isn’t sure of themselves or what they want?
I’m more hardcore than most, and I accept that, but I just don’t understand the epidimic of “new” people who don’t seem like they would be worh knowing in the vanilla world either. Give me an awesome person and I was accept them for all their kinks and inexperience, but give me an asshole and I don’t care about the rest.
That’s my two cents.
I think I know what you mean. I believe it was Mama Java, of the Polyamorous Misanthrope who talked about her utter lack of interest in dating people who were new to polyamory in a very similar way. I can’t find the exact post, but as I remember it she talked about how she had worked through all the usual problems with jealousy, communication, boundaries, etc, that come up when you’re just getting into poly, and didn’t have it in her anymore to shepherd someone else through the same issues that she’d seen over and over and over.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised to hear that no few kinky people who have more experience eventually burn out on talking newbies through accepting their kinks and actually expressing what they want. I haven’t even dealt with that many new subs and I still can’t stand the whole “I don’t know, let’s do whatever you want” thing. No! What I want is for you to do what I just fucking told you and tell me what you want!
Ha, that’s exactly what I was just bitching about on Fetlife. If I really like someone, we’ll find something fun to do together no matter what their kinks are. If I can’t stand someone, it doesn’t fucking matter if we like absolutely all the same kinks. For me the most important thing is whether I’d like them if we were both completely vanilla. Mutual kinks just don’t matter until we’ve figured out if we even like each other.
“New people don’t put any effort in,” that seems a blanket condemnation..!
I’m new and I’m putting in a lot of effort.
I think you’re really lucky that you’ve always known what you’re about. I didn’t – I am not a dominant person in real life and when I found out I was “this way” in a bedroom context it freaked me out, as I immediately thought I’d somehow end up running around screaming at people and cracking bullwhips and wearing PVC corsets.
Luckily I found blogs like this and I’m getting to know what it’s like in real life and I’m doing all the research I can, going to munches and chatting to knowledgeable people online, so I can do things properly.
I appreciate that beginners with idiotic preconceptions are a giant pain in the arse, though. I get plenty of them messaging me too!
I apologize. I should have said “most new people”. Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but my wife and I have found that the vast majority are treating it like a fad or game. We spent years talking to people online, exchanging long messages and even meeting some of them for dinner, but at end of the day they were all flakes.
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of assholes on the other side of the experience coin as well.
“The vast majority are treating it like a fad or game”. I can’t disagree with that! Even in my extremely limited experience, most people who contact me (including some so-called experienced ones) seem to have a really cliched idea of what D/s is about and expect me to buy into it.
I’m getting wiser now, but at the start I found it confusing as I didn’t know how to quantify the advice and information I was getting and was taking everything at face value.
Blogs like this have been a godsend!
Good grief. Seriously, were you responding to my post about a guy who did it right, or are you just reading my mind, or is it just that our minds are marching in parallel? I fully expect you to write a post about how you are just weird next.
Obviously, I’m really glad you did this. I think we need more posts about people who do it right. Men need to be told they can get it right, instead of constantly hearing they are getting it wrong. Especially since the newsworthy ones are those who get it really really wrong. I hate to think we are highlighting the bad examples.
She may have been inspired by mine: http://perversecowgirl.wordpress.com/2014/08/18/the-right-attitude-makes-all-the-difference/
Oh and thanks so much for the Elise Sutton post too.
There’s so much dis-information out there for beginners, and it’s really intimidating, especially as a single female. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a ‘sphere of activity’ for want of a better phrase that’s so different from the popular preconception.
I found out I had domme tendencies by chance and in a really roundabout way and, truly, it scared me to death. Much of my research compounded those fears.
I’m really loving your blog. Sensible, practical, real world perspectives and advice. It’s been so helpful, I can’t even begin to tell you. 🙂