Even more spite week! Today I’m talking about how utterly fucking ridiculous it is to think that any supposed “friend zone” is a real phenomenon.

Some people really seem to believe women have a mental category called “the friend zone”, and once you’ve been sentenced to it, you can never escape and claim the sex you so clearly deserve for going through the motions of being her friend while secretly waiting for her to put out already.

I hate to break it to you all, but there is no such thing as a friend zone. “But Stabbity,” you cry, “what else can it mean when a woman I want to fuck says something like ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship’?”

Here’s a handy translation table:

What she says	What she means
I don’t want to ruin our friendship	I don’t want to fuck you
We’ve been friends for so long, dating you would just be weird	I don’t want to fuck you
You’re such a sweet guy, I’m sure the right woman is out there somewhere	I don’t want to fuck you
You’re like a brother to me	I don’t want to fuck you
I like you too much to go out with you	I don’t want to fuck you

 

Do the translation in your head, and move the fuck on. The so-called “friendzone” is a strictly imaginary place created by the way our society vilifies women for saying no, just like the word “slut” is used to vilify women for saying yes. Yes, that does in fact mean that there is literally no way for women to win. We’re either frigid friend-zoning bitches or dirty sluts.

Guys, it if was safe to just say no, we’d fucking do it. If you want women to be honest about not wanting to date and/or fuck you, make it physically and emotionally safe for us to do so. We only lie about having a boyfriend or an early shift or a parent who’s waiting up for us because you force us to. Disgustingly often, the only way to make some douchebag leave you alone is to tell him you have a boyfriend. Your personal lack of interest doesn’t matter, the other things you need to do don’t matter, the only fucking thing some of these worthless sacks of shit care about is that another man (read, actual person, unlike women) has already laid claim to this life support system for a pussy.

So shut the fuck up about the “friend zone” and stop fucking lying to people who have tits about how you’re so interested in their lives. You’ve the fucking liar, Mr. I’m owed sex because I lied about being her friend, not the person who innocently believed you were actually her friend.