One of my many, many pet peeves is people who call themselves “true” or “real” doms/subs/masters/slaves/whatevers. This bugs me for a bunch of reasons, but for me the worst one is the way some people use it as a weapon.

Sadly, it’s not uncommon to hear “well, a true sub would …” or “I guess you’re not a true dom” from someone who thinks you should do things their way. If you’ve been in the scene for a while, you’re pretty likely to recognize and brush off that kind of douchebaggery, but if you’re new and worried that you’re not a good sub/dom/slave/master/whatever (which is a completely normal thing to worry about!) then you may, through no fault of your own, be easier to manipulate.

As an aside, that’s why I spend so much time yelling about how you shouldn’t blindly believe or respect just anybody, including me. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be polite, but you absolutely do not have to tell people how wise and amazing they are when you think they’re full of shit. People are wrong about stuff all the time, advice that works for other people may be terrible for you, and the only person who gets to decide what’s right for you is you.

But back at my original rant, not only is it a dick move to try to make people feel like they’re not good enough, but there’s no such thing as a true [kinky label of your choice]. There is no accreditation board that gives out “true” certificates, there’s no official test you have to pass to be a “true” whatever. There are people who spend less time playing than you do, and people who care less than you do about having the best fetish gear or the coolest toys, and people who prefer less structure and/or ritual in their d/s than you do, but none of that makes someone’s kink not count. It just makes them not right for you. You’re going to run into a lot of people who aren’t right for you. If they’re not hurting anyone there’s no need to give them shit about it.

And finally, to quote Margaret Thatcher: “Power is like being a lady… if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” Same with being a [kinky label of your choice]. If you have to go around telling people how very domly/submissive and true and real you are, you aren’t. If you were, it would come through in your actions.

If you see people calling themselves “real” or “true” or telling you that you aren’t, ask yourself if they have something to gain from making you feel like you’re wrong.