Goddammit, I’m just a fucking nerd. I’m not more worthy of respect just because I like being on the non-pointy end of the knife. I’m not more important because I like getting my way. I’m not some sort of superior being because hurting people gets me off.

It drives me absolutely crazy that some people seem to think doms deserve special treatment just because they woke up one morning and decided to call themselves dominant. Newsflash: anyone can call themselves dominant. They could be a 22 year old who got into the scene last week. They could be 37 and still living in their parents’ basement. They could be a predator who figured out that kinky people are even less likely than non-kinky people to go the cops if they’ve been abused. They could be a role player who enjoys making up elaborate fantasy scenarios (not to knock elaborate fantasy scenarios, which can be awesome) but has no interest in doing any of that stuff in real life.

The label ‘dominant’ doesn’t tell you anything about the person behind it. It doesn’t tell you whether they’re reliable, whether they’re honorable, whether their electricity got cut off for a week because they couldn’t get it together to pay the bill, whether their life is one crisis after another, or whether they’re even the age and gender their profile says they are.

I’m sure it’s hot to imagine that all doms are effortlessly commanding, astonishingly good looking, and always in complete control of themselves and everything around them, but I’m afraid I have to rain on your parade. We’re just people.

Sure, I’m a mighty dom, but I’m also someone who can’t keep a houseplant alive. Once I even killed a cactus. Four of my five moves in the last six years were because I suck at picking apartments (you would think I’d learn that cheap apartments are cheap for a reason). If I had to do without reminders in my outlook calendar and on my phone, I would never show up on time for an appointment ever again. I make grandiose plans about what I’m going to accomplish over the weekend, then spent the whole time fucking around playing facebook games and reading through the entire backlog of The Oatmeal. I’ve let myself be led around by my (purely figurative) dick for the sake of a few hours of play. Prior to the ridiculously adorable boyfriend, I had a string of bad relationships caused by combinations of wishful thinking and my inability to tell the difference between people I should be friends with and people I should try to pursue a romantic relationship with. I have a vicious temper. I’m mean to stupid people for sport (okay, so I’m not really sorry about that one). I’m a grammar and spelling snob to the point of being ableist. I’m extremely judgmental and refuse to change my mind about people once I’ve decided I don’t like them. If someone makes me really angry I will never, ever, let it go. And I’m a shitty housekeeper to boot 🙂

Tell me again how I deserve special treatment just because I’m a dom.

I’ll admit a lack of skill is harder for a dom than a sub to get away with, but that absolutely does not mean that doms are magically worthy of more respect than subs. If anything it means we oh-so-special doms aren’t paying enough attention to the differences in skill levels between bottoms.

It’s also dehumanizing to put me on a pedestal without knowing anything about me. It’s not flattering to know that your fantasies are more important to you than the person you’re projecting them on. If you respect my writing, great! If you’ve seen me play and liked what you saw, fantastic! But if all you know about me is that the role on my fetlife profile starts with a ‘d’ instead of an ‘s’, for god’s sake put your fantasies aside for a minute and treat me like a human being. One last time: doms are not special.