Or, let’s yell about supposedly submissive people who refuse to follow simple instructions.

Yep, it’s time for another round of venting about people who answer the question “What do you like?” with “whatever you want.” Like I said before, that’s a blatant fucking lie 99.99999% of the time. You don’t want to do anything I want, you just can’t understand that I’m a fucking person with my own wants and needs that have nothing to do with what makes you feel funny in your pants.

But aside from the yelling about how everyone, even the most committed slave, has limits, it’s simply disobedient and disrespectful to refuse to give a real answer to a simple question. Guys, do you want to give your dom control or not?

If you do, then where the fuck do you get off refusing to obey simple fucking orders? Do you think I asked what you wanted just to hear my own voice? I asked you for a reason and I expect a real answer, not this “anything you want” bullshit.

To be clear, “I don’t know” is a real answer. So is “I like the idea of spanking but I haven’t tried it yet and don’t know for sure that I like it in real life.” So is “What’s most important to me is knowing my top is having a good time. I’ve done a and b before and liked it, I’m freaked out by x and y but willing to at least talk about anything else.” It’s about honestly, not about being able to list your favourite kinks and your hard limits off the top of your head in excruciating detail. Pretending you don’t have preferences is a lie, and not a good one. If you’re going to lie to your dom, at least do a good job of it.

And no, it’s not respectful to be that worried about accidentally topping from the bottom. We’re just mutually deciding what’s on the menu, you’re not placing an order. If you don’t trust me to refuse to do stuff I’m not interested in, then why the fuck are we even trying to negotiate a scene? If you seriously think that suggesting a type of play will force me to do it even if I don’t enjoy it, you can fuck right off. Even with the least experienced dom, refusing to follow simple orders is a terrible way to start a d/s relationship. If you want to do what she tells you, do what she fucking tells you.

If you’re trying to negotiate a scene with an inexperienced dom, she may feel a lot more comfortable starting with stuff she knows you like. That is a totally normal place to start and in no way means that she will never expand her own boundaries past what she knows you like. Or she may be experienced and clever enough to know that things she wasn’t super into before can suddenly become hot if she tries them with someone she really likes and clicks with. Being the dom does not mean she’s never allowed to try things that she doesn’t know if she likes yet. Or maybe she just doesn’t fucking like feeling like she’s stumbling around in a dark room with some asshole who refuses to turn on the lights.

When I start playing with a new person, I really need to learn how they react when they like what I’m doing and how they react when they don’t. I do that by both checking in frequently at first and doing things that I know they like and that I know they don’t like. I can’t read minds, I have to learn to read my bottom’s body. As I learn to read them better, I can scale back the checkins and we can play harder without having to pause and check in.

If you want me to have control then give me control and do what I fucking tell you. If you won’t do that, then don’t pretend you actually want me to run the scene.