Men absolutely always want sex

A companion post to Real Dommes Don’t Have Sex.

Just like women never actually want sex, men absolutely always do. They never have headaches, bad days, just want to cuddle, or ever, *ever* have a lower sex drive than any woman on the planet. It’s pretty clear how this belief is cruel to men: any guy who ever turns down sex when a woman offers it worries that he’s less of a man, and faces mockery from anyone who finds out what a terrible crime he committed against his gender (‘You mean you turned down pussy when I haven’t gotten laid in weeks? Traitor!’). And of course it reduces men to the level of hormone-crazed animals, unable to control their ravenous lusts.

Now, suppose you’re the woman in that scenario – you’re tried to get laid, and it didn’t work. Suppose that you’re more or less conventionally attractive, that in fact you’ve been complimented on your body. If you’re not some hideous troll-creature, then why would a man pass up an opportunity to have sex with you? The reason he couldn’t stand to fuck you must be something else, something much worse than a mere lack of physical attraction. Your personality must be so unspeakably awful that even in the presence of nice tits and a sincere enthusiasm for cock he still can’t muster any interest in sex (not that I’m bitter). Physical flaws could possibly be fixed (or at least hidden), but what are you supposed to do about a personality defect so horrible that your very presence is a mood-killer?

On the other hand, the guy could just not be into you. That’s why the myth that men absolutely always want sex from anything vaguely woman shaped is a filthy goddamned lie.

10 thoughts on “Men absolutely always want sex

  1. This. This in giant neon letters, even.

    If we weren’t steeped in cultural messages about how men *always* want sex, we could avoid the whole ‘oh my god, what kind of troll am I that he won’t fuck me?’ thing.

    I *know* I have a much higher sex drive than my partners, I *know* that they think I’m attractive and desirable and all that, I *know* that they’re stressed out and/or tired, I *know* that everything is fine. And yet I have to sit myself down and actively TELL myself all of that every time I’m told no because, according to every culture I know about, they’re SUPPOSED to want to fuck all the time, and unlearning that message is ridiculously hard.

  2. Jeez.

    As I’ve gotten older, I find that I don’t compartmentalize as well. A bad day at work stays with me all night, I can’t just leave it at the door when I get home. Family stress bothers me until we get it resolved, I don’t just ignore it until the weeks (or whenever). And of course, sometimes I just get tired, or would like a little motivation.

    But don’t let that get around, or else my man card might be revoked.

  3. Ugh – this! Anything that feeds the myth of male weakness (ie “hormone-crazed animals”) needs to be eradicated.

    This myth also serves to make sexual assault against men practically invisible, when it isn’t being treated as a joke. You can’t be raped if you’re always into having sex, any time and any where with anyone.

  4. Yeah; and while women not wanting sex is a cultural punchline, a heterosexual couple where the man doesn’t want sex is a couple with a shameful secret (I’m speaking here of situations where the lack of desire goes on for more than, say, six months).

    The thing is, many straight couples don’t talk about sex until it’s a problem, so many women take a man’s erection as the one way they know if A) they’re doing something right or B) their partner finds them sexually attractive. When it’s gone, many women assume that A) it’s their fault and B) it’s irreversible. Men, for their part, don’t want to talk about it. It kills a lot of relationships that could be fixed, I think.

    Communication covers a lot of ground.

  5. @Lily

    many women take a man’s erection as the one way they know if A) they’re doing something right or B) their partner finds them sexually attractive.

    That is an excellent and very sad point. All those undiscussed assumptions about whether your partner is sexually satisfied must kill so many relationships.

    Even if a guy wants to reassure his female partner that just because he isn’t horny all the time doesn’t mean he isn’t still attracted to her, there’s no guarantee he’ll convince her. The belief that men always want sex is so deeply ingrained that a woman is as likely to believe that he’s trying to spare her feelings as that he’s telling the truth. There’s literally nothing the people who inspired this post could possibly do to convince me that they’re anything but repulsed by the idea of me naked.

  6. It has taken me six years – SIX YEARS – for me to realise that just because my husband doesn’t wander round with a permanent horn that there is nothing wrong with either him or me. And exactly as Lily said, at the end of the day the problem was communication. It’s weird because actually in all other areas we’re really good at this, but sex got so stigmatised we got to a place where we couldn’t even start to talk about it. It’s taking some very expensive therapy to sort out, but it’s getting sorted.

    I really like this blog. It’s saying all the things I’ve been thinking for a long, long time, but every time I pop up on the internet to have a look at the what’s happening kink-wise, there seem to be a lot of people who arrive with sticks pronouncing that You’re Doing It Wrong. Which is ironic, when you think about it…

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