Things new submissive guys should probably know, part 1 of many

I was talking with a new submissive guy on Fetlife the other day, and I think the questions and concerns he had are probably common to an awful lot of male submissives. In hopes my advice will be useful to more than one person, here it is.

First of all, it’s totally understandable to look at the stories people tell on the internet and feel like you’re not submissive enough. When you don’t have any frame of reference for kink in real life, it’s very very easy to take people’s stories much too seriously. Yes, people like to talk about how they’ve been in chastity for fifteen months and how they beg on their knees for hours just for the chance just to lick their Mistress’s toe, but that in no way means you should give a shit. Some people do enjoy super long term chastity, and some people do enjoy extremely strict high protocol relationships. What you need to remember is that extremes are called that for a reason – it’s not an extreme if the majority is there. Most people are somewhere in the middle between extreme kink and none at all. And that’s assuming that most of the people talking about how extreme they are, are actually telling the truth, which is just not the case. Take Elise Sutton, for example. Not only is there no fucking chance that Elise is actually a woman, but their advice is both terrible and insulting to women. Having a website doesn’t mean someone is telling the truth. Having testimonials doesn’t mean someone is telling the truth. Having been around for a long time doesn’t mean someone is telling the truth.

Anyone and everyone on the internet could be a total liar. You’re going to need to develop your own judgement about what might have actually happened and what’s definitely just some poor schlub’s fantasy. That will take time and talking with people who are more experienced, but a good place to start is with your own attention span. An intense kinky weekend is a very common fantasy, but how many things can you actually do for 48 hours straight without getting totally sick of them? That’s right, zero. No matter how hot that fantasy is, eventually your knees get sore and your back gets tired and you just want a drink and a snack and half an hour without anyone yelling at you.

Another very important thing to keep in mind that you will be hard pressed to find on the internet (particularly the porny part) is just how much work it is to top in a scene like that. Guys, doms are people. If I do a heavy flogging scene my shoulder is sore for the next couple days. I am not physically capable of beating on someone for more than a couple of hours, let alone an entire weekend. I fucking love hurting people who want to be hurt, but not only do I not have the physical or mental capacity to do that for an entire weekend, but I’d get bored. I love videogames too, but I can only spend a few hours playing The Witcher (no I still haven’t finished it) before I need to do something else for a while.

And to be clear, the “anyone on the internet could be a total liar” thing applies just as much to me as to everyone else. I am just some asshole on the internet, I have absolutely no special qualifications (unless you count being a judgmental jerk). If my advice doesn’t ring true to you, throw it out and do your own thing.

Another very common concern is that dominant women don’t have or like sex and if you get involved with one you’ll never get your sexual needs met. There’s a whole lot to be said about how society fucks things up for women and by extension for straight men by telling women only filthy sluts actually want to have sex, but in the interests of keeping this post from ballooning over 5000 words I’ll just say that you are going to hear a whole hell of a lot about how doms won’t fuck you from prodoms who are sick and fucking tired of men who keep asking for services they don’t offer and that that is not at all relevant to your personal relationship with a dom who you are not paying. Some people do prefer to keep sex out of their d/s relationships – I’ve read about at least one person who prefers not to have sex with her personal submissives because she wants them to be focused on pleasing her, not on how long until they get off – but they’re by no means the majority. I’m convinced the majority of people are a lot like you: they just want a partner they can share their kink with and whose relationship style is compatible. If you haven’t already joined it I highly recommend the Submissive men and women who love them group on Fetlife, which is full of women who like submissive men and generally want submissive male romantic partners. You just don’t hear as much from women who want a submissive boyfriend as you do from women who want a stable of slaves they can rotate as they get bored because once the women who just wants a boyfriend finds him, she stops advertising.

Or to boil this post down to its simplest form: people lie on the internet, odds are you’re a lot like all the other kinky people, and there’s probably someone out there for you if you can avoid being a dick 🙂

If anyone out there has suggestions for things you wish you’d known earlier that might make a good blog post, let me know!

3 thoughts on “Things new submissive guys should probably know, part 1 of many

  1. Hear, hear! This is another asshole on the intern–er, I mean, a switch woman in a relationship with a switch man. We’ve discovered that we particularly love to have me dominate him, and most of our sex life is based around that, so we are a real life M/f couple. Note that we don’t do 24/7 or anything like it; this is our sex life. He isn’t submissive and I’m not dominant in non-sexual situations.

    We’ve never done a scene that was more than a couple of hours. After reading Stabbity’s post I started thinking about the fantasy sort of scenes that last a really long time and why we don’t do that. We could make time to do it but we don’t — why? Part of it is just that it’s hard to tie him up in a way that is tolerable for hours (and tying him up drives me wild). Part of it is that I don’t have the kind of kinky imagination to think of things to do for hours. I honestly would want to do something else after a while. But the biggest obstacle to us going on for hours is that we get so turned on we end up having sex, and after orgasms we want to cuddle and giggle. There are probably people in the world who would find that disappointing, but he and I look at that as the scene being highly successful. 🙂

    I have no beef with prodoms, and in fact many years ago discovered some non-overlapping kinks with my then-lover that we managed by having him go to a prodom from time to time. She described that situation, where I not only knew he was going but had sent him to her, as “refreshing”, and I’m grinning remembering it. That said, though, what prodoms do has only some overlap with what my lover and I do. The most important difference is that our scenes are as much about my desires and fantasies as about his, which is extremely different from a prodom session where it’s (appropriately) all about the client’s desires. And as much as I support prodoms having boundaries about not doing genital sex with clients, I sure as HELL want genital sex, and lots of it, from my lovers!

    (I’ve considered looking for a compatible man with a service fetish, for a second kinky relationship that isn’t about sex, but I’ve not done it yet, so I don’t know whether I would/will enjoy it or not)

    Note that neither my partner nor I has been going to munches or parties, so we’re invisible in the local scene. Stabbity is exactly right that it’s hard to find the people looking for relationships rather than casual scenes because they tend not to be looking while they are in relationships. We’re not even monogamous, but neither of us is looking at the moment.

    We are lucky to have found each other. It helps a lot that neither of us is so fixated on one particular kink that we can’t see beyond it. I’ve talked with people who have that kind of fixation and it sounds really hard to make it work in a relationship.

    • There are probably people in the world who would find that disappointing, but he and I look at that as the scene being highly successful. 🙂

      Those people are missing out, cuddling after a scene is the best! I’m just fundamentally unwilling to leave my humanity at the door, I need to be able to cuddle and laugh and connect as a person with my play partner. And sure, that makes it pretty hard to keep up the bitch queen act for hours and hours but I think it’s a lot more satisfying.

      I’ve talked with people who have that kind of fixation and it sounds really hard to make it work in a relationship.

      Yeah, I’ve read a lot of sad stories from very lonely people. On the one hand I sympathize and I think it’s just a bad idea to try to bury your kinks, but on the other hand if you can’t treat your partner like a goddamn person instead of a fetish dispensing machine then you deserve to stay single.

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