Every time I see a submissive man describe himself as an “alpha male” I think “ugh, not another one.” Judging by the comments I see on Fetlife, I’m far from the only one who thinks that. For the benefit of the many men who innocently use that term without understanding why it irritates some people so much, here’s why it bugs me.
1. It’s extremely vague. If you mean your job involves managing people, say that. If you mean that you’re headstrong and independent, say that. If you mean that you’re a “tough guy” who hates asking for help, say that! Making people try to guess what the hell you’re talking about is just irritating.
2. It’s insulting. Going out of your way to to point out how very “alpha” you are says that you think most submissive men are losers/doormats/weak and you want to distance yourself from that. Shockingly enough, people who actually like submissive men or who are submissive men themselves get cranky when someone implies that they’re not “real men.” Guys, I swear it’s possible to talk about how great you are without insulting anyone else.
3. It’s often a sign of insecurity. Seriously, you might as well just carry a sign that says “I’m not comfortable being a submissive man”. Secure people say “I’m submissive and I’m awesome.” Insecure people say “I’m submissive but I’m not a loser, I swear. I have my own home and a job and everything! Wait, where are you going?” Now there’s nothing wrong with feeling insecure, and thanks to our fucked up culture it’s extremely common for submissive guys to have a hard time reconciling submission and masculinity, but if you’re trying to impress people by going on and on about what an “alpha male” you are, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
4. It’s ignorant. If you think being “alpha” and submissive makes you a special snowflake, you’re not only not special, but you’re also not terribly bright. It is simply not that hard to find resources for submissive men who aren’t particularly feminine. Use google, read the goddamn stickies, lurk in Fetlife or other groups for a little while before you post. If you pay any attention at all, you will notice that there are plenty of submissive men out there who are “tough guys”/have high powered jobs/don’t immediately fall to the floor when a dominant woman looks their way.
So now that you know better, do better, okay?