Or, more bitching about particularly stupid threads on Fetlife. The latest one is about “discreet” sub/dom relationships. I’ll spare you the original poster’s terrible English and summarize it here:
He’s yet another married man whose Madonna/whore complex means he “can’t” talk with his wife about kink, and wants us all to give him permission to cheat on her. Because hiding things from her is totally cool as long as he doesn’t actually put his dick in another woman. Oh, and this is all strictly theoretical. Pay no attention to how very very attached he is to the idea that this theoretical sub can somehow ethically cheat on his theoretical wife, and how suspiciously defensive he gets when people point out that hiding things like that from your wife is cheating. Nope, nope, this is just an interesting discussion and he has no idea why everyone is being such jerks about the idea of him shitting all over his marriage vows.
Sigh. First of all, if you’re hiding an intimate relationship from your spouse, then congrats! You’re cheating. Maybe it’s the least terrible option in your situation, maybe it’s not, but don’t kid yourself. It’s cheating.
Second, the whole “please give me permission to cheat” thing is just so goddamn boring. Really, it never occurred to you that a Fetlife group full of women and men who actually do love women might not be delighted when you ask for our blessings to cheat on your wife? Or that this question hasn’t been asked over, and over, and over? Seriously, it’s very nearly as overdone as the good old “Where do I find a dom?” and “How can I tell a woman is a dom without asking her like a grownup?” questions.
Guys, if you have to ask random people on Fetlife to tell you it’s okay to cheat, you know damned well it’s not okay. If you believed you were totally in the right, you would never have bothered to start a thread about it. Also, what the fuck? Even if you could convince a bunch of people you’ve never met to tell you it’s A-okay to cheat, why would that matter? Do you think that your wife will feel less betrayed when she finds out if you can show her a thread full of people saying “go ahead and cheat”?
For that matter, do you think these theoretical people saying it’s fine to cheat are going to help you convince anyone to help you cheat? I hate to break it to you, but the words of a bunch of random people on Fetlife are not going to convince me that it’s ethical to help you break a promise you made to your wife. Even if you’re one of the rare few people who might actually be justified in cheating*, your Fetlife thread isn’t going to make me want any part of the inevitable drama or the being treated like a dirty little secret.
*Situations that might justify cheating include but are not limited to: your wife both being unwilling to discuss you getting your kinky needs met elsewhere and having a disability that doesn’t allow her to support herself, or a medical condition that she needs your health insurance to manage, or very small children, or an ailing parent she has to care for. However, you can’t know she’s unwilling to discuss your kinks unless you fucking try! For all you know, the theoretical woman who is dependent on your care may feel more secure, not less, if you can get your kink on without leaving her. At the very least, she deserves the chance to say “I know it’s going to suck, but I’d rather get divorced than pretend I don’t know you’re cheating.”
While I do believe that in those situations cheating is probably a less terrible option than divorce, for practical reasons I’m not particularly likely to want any part of it. For starters, how am I supposed to verify that a guy has a “good enough” reason to cheat without meeting his wife? From the outside, “my wife understands but doesn’t want to meet you” looks an awful lot like “my wife has no idea what’s going on and would be devastated if she found out”. And since I’m a shitty liar, how am I supposed to talk with his wife without her figuring out that something is up? Even if I could somehow be really really sure that everything he was telling me about his situation was true I still wouldn’t be interested in constantly worrying that his wife would find out, or in managing the drama when she did find out, or in being hidden away from the rest of his life as though he’s ashamed of me.
And finally, the whole Madonna/whore thing is just pathetic. If you really loved your wife you would embrace all of her, not neuter her and put her on a pedestal. Yeah, yeah, kink is nasty and dirty and you just couldn’t expose her to your dirty nasty dirtiness. Alternately, you could give her a chance to make her own choices about *gasp* sex instead of making the decision for her like she’s a child. You’re not protecting her, you’re protecting yourself. At least be honest about it. You’re scared she’ll reject you, so you want to go behind her back instead of talking to her like a grownup. I get that it’s scary to consider your wife freaking out and demanding a divorce, but it’s pretty fucking insulting to assume that she’s so close minded that she would throw away years of marriage because you want to get a little freaky now and then.