I keep thinking about that last point from the writing I was mocking in my post Dumbinants behaving badly: 4. Understand the M/s D/s is most definitely NOT about how you [the submissive] dictate how you want everything. If a dom looking for a submissive wrote about how their submissive will “do things my way or I’ll uncollar them and find someone who will”, nobody would bat an eye. We take it as given that doms have the right to insist on getting their needs met in a relationship, but somehow it’s the end of the world when subs do the exact same thing? Funny, I thought subs were people and had the exact same human rights as doms. Why the fuck shouldn’t they leave a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs?
The idea that people stop having rights because of how they like to get their kink on is just ridiculous. We would never say that latex fetishists are allowed to make demands but leather fetishists aren’t, so why do we act like it’s remotely reasonable to expect s-types to passively accept whatever a dom chooses to give them? Sure, submission in a relationship involves giving your chosen dominant a certain (negotiated!) amount of authority, but that’s very very different from how a reasonable person with any self-preservation instincts should be expected to act toward people they aren’t in a relationship with. I say should because only total assholes would expect expect submissive people to indiscriminately submit to everyone around them.
And don’t we also say that s-types need to be extremely careful about getting to know their partners before they submit, and that they need to advocate for themselves because they can’t count on anyone else doing it for them? Again, what exactly is unfair about submissive people bluntly stating their needs up front? As a big fan of the “scare them off as soon as possible” school of dating, I think the kindest thing you can do for potential partners is tell them about all of your potential dealbreakers as soon as possible (keeping your own safety in mind, of course. Trans women, for example, have no obligation whatsoever to disclose that potential dealbreaker at the potential cost of their own lives). If you’re the kind of
pathetic overgrown child dom who can’t deal with s-types who expect to be treated like people, wouldn’t you want to know sooner rather than later that someone is completely and utterly incompatible with you?
Of course, that does assume that said overgrown children can handle basic logic, which is probably giving them too much credit. What they really seem to want is for no submissive ever to feel able to reject them. To be clear, that’s unbelievably pathetic. Nobody enjoys rejection, but if you can’t handle things not going exactly the way you want them to, maybe rethink this whole “dominant” thing. If you want to be a dom, you have a responsibility to keep your shit together when things you don’t enjoy happen, whether that’s a scene going off the rails, your submissive having a shitty day and wrecking your plans, or having a shitty day yourself and wrecking your own plans. If you can’t handle so much as a goddamn Fetlife writing from an s-type saying that they’ll leave a relationship that doesn’t work for them, then I think you have some work to do before you get any ideas about running someone else’s life.
It’s probably not going to surprise anyone that I have a theory about why some doms get so freaked out about submissive people acting like they have basic human rights. I think it’s closely related to the assumption that submission is inherently feminine. Doesn’t the dom who can’t deal with subs having standards sound just like the straight guy who can’t deal with women having standards?
In both cases, I think the solution is the same. GROW UP. I say that not because I have any illusions that the people who need to grow up will do so, but because I think that some people who might otherwise take their cues from sad bastards like that might be able to see reason. If you can’t inspire someone to submit to you on your own, all the whining and crying about how submissives who demand doms who meet their needs are great big poopy heads is just going to make you look more pathetic. Real grownups can deal with people they’re attracted to not being compatible with them. It sucks, but the answer is never ever ever that no one should be allowed to reject you.
Submission is only meaningful if your submissive could tell you to fuck off but chooses not to. If they can’t choose, it’s slavery. We all know that for-real slavery is not okay, right?
Doms, we have two choices. We can admit that submissive people are human beings with the exact same rights we have, or we can admit that we are such sad fucks that we would never get any play if we couldn’t convince s-types they don’t have a choice. Not much of a choice, is it.