It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it

To quote my search terms: what happens if you’re a dominant woman who enjoys penetration?

Well, your partner better penetrate you if he doesn’t want you to find a new one 🙂

More seriously, it’s really common for kinky people to believe that some actions are inherently dominant and some are inherently submissive, as ridiculous as that idea is when you actually think about it. Because it’s such a common belief, even if you don’t think that way yourself you’re likely to run into people who do, which makes it pretty hard to avoid worrying about whether the thing you want to do might be completely misinterpreted.

For example, it’s pretty common for people to assume that being penetrated is a submissive action. That’s ridiculous, actions aren’t inherently anything. Lending a friend money might be a good thing, unless that money helps them to stay in denial about their addiction. Punching someone in the face might be a bad thing, unless they’re learning a martial art and need to experience getting hit in a safe environment in case they ever get hit for real. It’s the context that matters, that’s what gives an action meaning.

So in the context of a dominant woman telling her submissive partner to penetrate her, to do it the way she likes, and to keep it up until she’s good and done, it’s pretty clear that she’s not doing anything remotely submissive. Performing a particular action in no way changes the fact that she’s calling all of the shots. By the same token, performing a particular action in no way makes the submissive man doing the penetrating dominant. He’s still following orders and he’s still doing it to make their dominant happy.

Where things get messy is that even if our hypothetical dom knows perfectly well that telling someone to penetrate her doesn’t make her submissive, her partner might still have the idea that some actions are fundamentally submissive. Now she has to worry about how he’s going to react and face the possibility that their relationship might end if he can’t get over the idea that an action is fundamentally submissive. That’s pretty fucking scary, especially if you’re new to domination and deep down you’re still scared you really aren’t dominant enough (that goes away eventually, right?)

The possibility of being told you’re not good enough or losing your relationship sucks, but if someone thinks he can tell you what kind of sex you’re allowed to want he’s not very fucking submissive now is he? It may take a while to find him, but I guarantee there is someone out there who cares more about who you actually are than who he thinks you should be.

Also, the idea that letting other people decide what kind of sex I have could possibly be anything but submissive irritates the shit out of me. Am I seriously supposed to prove how dominant I am by doing what I’m told? I hate to break it to those assholes, but that’s not how domination works.

If you’re dominant and you like penetration, go for it! Anyone who says that means you’re not really dominant is too stupid to listen to.

21 thoughts on “It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it

  1. This. x 1000.

    The only answer to, “You’re not doing it right.” Is, “I’m the Dominant, and the way I want it IS right.”

    • Yep. If you don’t want to serve me my way, then you just don’t want to serve me. Admit it and move on.

  2. When I was seeing The Bunny, I’d ask him to slap my ass from time to time and he would always flat-out refuse. And he’s a switch and a sadomasochist so I’m gonna go ahead and say he didn’t refuse to spank me because he felt conflicted about hurting another person. I’m guessing he felt that if he topped me, he’d start seeing me differently and my authority would be compromised in his eyes. I guess it’s his prerogative to feel that way but it bugs me.

    He also pulled me off him a few times while I was giving him head because he felt “unsubmissive” being the centre of attention like that. Which is kind of annoying because I wasn’t done enjoying the taste of him yet.

    It’s probably for the best that we broke up, all things considered.

    • I’m guessing he felt that if he topped me, he’d start seeing me differently and my authority would be compromised in his eyes.

      Ugh. I can understand how a person could feel weird about topping their dom, but how is refusing to obey you the better option if he wants to feel submissive? That whole accepting instructions thing is pretty central to the whole dom/sub agreement.

  3. First off, as a submissive my job is mostly to do as I’m told. So, if my Domme orders me to fuck her hard then that’s I what I, happily :-), do. If, for some reason, I need to make it a “submissive act” I could look at it as servicing her. That’s really just a rationalization though.

    It works both ways though. What I have found more of a problem with dominant women isn’t intercourse but oral sex. I have found that the idea that a blow-job is a submissive act is way more prevalent than being penetrated is a submissive act. I’ve had several Dommes say that it feels like too much of a submissive act. I don’t argue of course. Not only is it not my place to argue with a Domme but I’m not going to try and talk anyone into giving me oral sex. That’s kind of creepy 🙂

    All that being said, I do agree with you when you say that an act isn’t inherently dominant or submissive. It’s what we make of the act that makes it either dominant or submissive.

    I came along this video clip on Tumblr a while back. I imagine THIS is how a dominant woman would fuck a submissive male 🙂

    http://jandbabydollshideaway.tumblr.com/post/84093349108

    • So, if my Domme orders me to fuck her hard then that’s I what I, happily 🙂

      Hey, sometimes orders are win-win 🙂

      I have found that the idea that a blow-job is a submissive act is way more prevalent than being penetrated is a submissive act. I’ve had several Dommes say that it feels like too much of a submissive act.

      I have one word for people who think performing fellatio is inherently submissive: teeth. If any given dom just doesn’t like giving head because she doesn’t feel dominant while she’s doing it obviously I can’t argue with that, but I really wish people would stop saying any act in inherently submissive.

    • “I have found that the idea that a blow-job is a submissive act is way more prevalent than being penetrated is a submissive act.”

      Giving a blowjob *is* being penetrated. Just sayin’. It’s all part of the same continuum of “taking a dick in any of your holes equals being feminine equals being submissive” that I’d like to see die in a big huge fire.

  4. Being a dominant woman who loves the feeling of penetration, loves bringing my man off orally, and who likes reading erotic fiction now and then, I’d really, really like to read more erotic fiction with fictional dominant women and submissive men who also enjoy these sex acts. I know this is mainly a blog discussing our real lives, but I hope you don’t mind me mentioning off-handedly that, well, hello there erotic fiction authors! some more written smut with handsome submissive men making love well and according to their beloved’s wishes would certainly delight me very much…

      • Woohoo. Thanks for the pointer to this new fandom, greydawnbreaking. Yes, I enjoy original fiction and fanfiction as well. Time for some space opera exploration.

    • If you don’t mind a bit of self promotion, I’ve got two F/m stories with penetration, and another one coming out next month (fingers crossed)
      Fealty–http://whipsandfangs.jessmahler.com/fealty/

      A Hole in the Pack–http://whipsandfangs.jessmahler.com/48/ (Takes the idea of ‘no such thing as a submissive act’ to another level–if you order the sub to tie you up and do what he wants, are you still in control? I say yes, but I’m a dominant rope slut :D)

  5. Totally – I used to be with a Domme who liked receiving anal sex, but it was just the way she liked it; lots of rimming first then slow and leisurely with lots of lube. Plus she brought the humiliation factor into it for me when she had the strapon out, “Time to show you how a real man does it”. Pure bliss!

  6. I get this shit a lot, and not just re: penetration. I like rope, I like nipple torture, and I like being spanked. I’m still the one in charge and any sub that doesn’t like it, the door is that way.

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