Another rant about people who can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality! This one is inspired by a pretty old Ask Dr. Nerdlove post (I started drafting this post ages ago and forgot about it, good job me!) about some poor bastard who is infatuated with a camgirl.
Dr Nerdlove’s answer, not terribly surprisingly, largely boiled down to it being incredibly easy to think you have a real connection with someone whose job is to make you feel special. He also mentioned that “you’ve only seen a very small and carefully curated slice of her life; you have yet to truly see her when she hasn’t been “on”.” and I want to go into more detail about that.
For one, it’s incredibly easy to stay infatuated with someone when you’ve never had to argue about whose turn it is to clean the cat’s litterbox. If you start out as a client and actually manage to transition to a romantic relationship, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a lot of nasty surprises. Not because sex workers are bad girlfriends, but because mixing up fantasy and reality will reliably make you miserable.
More specifically, when you see a sex worker, whether online or in person, you’re seeing her freshly made up, wearing a cute outfit, in a good mood (or able to fake it convincingly), happy to see you (or able to fake it convincingly), interested in whatever you want to talk about (or able to fake it convincingly), and willing to behave in a way that makes you feel special. That’s a massive amount of emotional labour and sex workers absolutely deserve the money they make. That’s also a very, very different relationship from one where your girlfriend has a shitty day and acts like a bit of a jerk when she comes home, or where she spent all day helping a friend move and doesn’t have the energy to care about how your favourite soccer team did when she’s a hockey fan, or where she looks like death warmed over after a big night out (no judgement here, I look like death too when I’m hungover), or where she ever expresses emotional needs that aren’t convenient for you.
Now to drag this back to kink, from the complaints I see online it seems pretty common for submissive guys, particularly the new ones, to become infatuated with the idea of the all powerful dom who is effortlessly in control every second of every day and never has a shitty day or a cold or needs to lie down and have someone stroke her hair. Then they try dating an actual human woman who has, like, needs and shit and it ends with her complaining on Fetlife and asking why guys keep saying they’re submissive when they really just want their fantasies acted out to their exact specifications.
I think that’s part of the appeal of pros – when you show up for an appointment with a pro she’s freshly made up, all dressed up (and she probably has an amazing fetish wardrobe), enthusiastic about seeing you, and ready to start the scene. It’s not just the particular kink activity you’re paying for – would you really pay top dollar to see a pro who did her sessions in kitten pajamas no matter how enthusiastic she was about beating your ass? Some people would, and you know, maybe there’s a market for the girlfriend experience dom. But most customers also want the fantasy of the dominatrix look and attitude. When you date someone, on the other hand, you get a very different experience and I think it can be a shock for guys to realize that this relationship doesn’t revolve around what he wants. They end up unhappy, their girlfriends end up unhappy, everyone ends up unhappy when you can’t separate fantasy from reality.
Yes, yes, yes. I had never thought of that particular image. Kitten pajama domination opens a whole new world of fantasy kink for me.
Respect for another person, for your self and for the boundaries of a relationship are a basis for long term happiness. In a d/s relationship, where it appears the dominant partner takes responsibility for maintaining limits, how do you help the submissive partner understand the difference between real life and their fantasy?
A friend of mine who worked as a pro dom for a while told me that of the group of women who worked together there was one who looked like the Hollywood ideal. My friend said that the extra-pretty woman was not a good dom and in fact hated her customers (unlike the other doms) but that men would lose their minds at the idea of being dominated by someone who looked like that.
I find it much more exciting to do a scene with someone with skill than someone who looks a particular way. I am grateful that my sexuality isn’t tied to a particular look. It must be very limiting.