Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to be clear that in no way do I intend to shame anyone who doesn’t like going to kink events or can’t go to them for any reason (and whatever reason you have for being unable to go is goddamn well good enough). I just want to share an incredibly valuable thing I got from going to an event.
I was recently at Westcoast Bound 2014, and perhaps ironically, at a workshop about crossing lines I heard the single most life changing message of hope I’ve ever gotten. Every minute I spent on buses and ferries and skytrains to get to this conference was absolutely worth it to hear this one sentence. Hell, every minute I’ve spent travelling to conferences for the last five years would be worth it for nothing but what I got out of this one workshop. This one throwaway sentence in a larger workshop gave me hope that some day, I might finally find peace.
Despite how I portray myself on this blog, I actually desperately want inner peace. While there’s simply too much stupid in the world for me to stop getting angry at all, I would dearly love to stop being angry all the fucking time. It’s exhausting. Imagine how tired you feel after getting really, seriously, throwing chairs angry about something. Now imagine that on some level it NEVER FUCKING STOPS. You can force it down, you can get through the day with only a little vicious swearing at your computer, but it’s always fucking waiting for you. Like a banked fire, it might look cold but any goddamn time you take a poker to it, it will flare back up just as hot as it ever was.
Unfortunately, it’s pretty fucking hard to find peace when you have in fact been deeply and fundamentally wronged. People like to spout a lot of useless fucking bullshit about “letting go” and “forgiving for your own good“, which does absolutely nothing to help when you have completely legitimate wounds that cannot be papered over with a half-assed apology and conveniently forgotten. If I could let go, I would have fucking done it years ago. Do you stupid fucks think it’s fun to be this angry all the goddamn time? Do you think I enjoy having all the shit I’ve been through come rushing back every fucking time someone makes a stupid joke about a misbehaving child needing a beating? No really, on what goddamn level do you think any of this is a good time for me?
I know that the people giving me stupid fucking platitudes mean well, but the problem with “just let go” is that it tells me absolutely nothing whatsoever about how to get to the place where I am able to “just let go.” Again, if I knew how to do that, I would have fucking done it already. No one who has said “just let go” has been able to give me a road map, they just spout some useless bullshit about making the choice to let go as if that will magically make my anger go away. If “letting go” does anything for you that’s great, but you need to realize that nothing you have to say about forgiveness is remotely relevant to me or to anyone else who can’t turn their emotions off like a goddamn light switch.
The reason what I heard in this workshop meant so much to me was that the presenter was like me. He has struggled the way I have struggled, and was able to point to an actual concrete process I could follow to find my way out. So what did I hear that finally gave me hope?
One day, I ran out of anger.
Is that not the most beautiful sentence you’ve ever seen? Doesn’t it ring your heart like a bell? This is my most cherished wish, that one day I might run out of anger too. And finally, finally someone pointed the way.
For years I played from anger, then one day I ran out.
No one has ever shown me a path out of my anger that I had a hope in hell of following. All this forgiveness bullshit might mean something to people who are fundamentally nicer (or less wounded) than I am, but down here in the dirt it just doesn’t get shit done. But using my anger as fuel until it’s gone? That is actually a thing I might be able to do. I have serious issues around bringing anger into my scenes (specifically that if I hit someone I care about in anger then I’m no better than my mother, and if I can’t do better than her it’s time to find a building to throw myself off of), but even if I can’t do that, I can use formless anger as fuel for workouts.
For the first time in my life I have hope that one day I might be free of my anger, and it’s because I went to Vancouver for a conference. For the rest of my life, I will be profoundly grateful that I was in the right place at the right time.