“what can i expect as a submissive male”

Yay for interesting search terms! Since I obviously don’t know what it’s like to be a submissive man I would really love it if my commentors would jump in with anything I’ve missed – I’m sure there will be plenty.

First of all, some people may be jerks. I believe they’re a minority, but they do exist. That’s kind of a downer to start this post on, I know, but I think awkwardly sidling around the elephant in the room just wastes everyone’s time. Don’t worry, there’s happier stuff coming up. Anyway: jerks exist. Even in the scene, where you would expect that people who are open-minded enough to even identify as kinky in the first place would be able to understand people not wanting to stuff themselves into tiny little boxes marked “man” or “woman”, you’ll probably run into a douchebag or two who is freaked out by the idea of a guy who refuses to cut off every piece of himself that doesn’t fit in the “man” box. You should ignore those douchebags as much as possible and remember that straight (or bi or pan) dominant women think submissive men are hot as fuck.

You’re also going to hear a lot of idiotic bullshit about how there are dozens and dozens of submissive men for every dominant woman and everything is terrible and you’re going to die aloooooooone!!11! I’ve already yelled a bunch about how that’s complete bullshit so I’m just going to quickly recap that here and direct you to some of my other posts for more detail: 100 Submissive Men For Every Dominant Woman and This is your competition. Basically submissive men who give a shit what their partners want and bother to read a fucking profile are not a dime a dozen, they are rare and precious. The dime a dozen guys who get counted in all those terrible statistics are the ones who think “here’s what you could do for my penis!” is an enticing message. You can do better than that, so don’t worry about never finding a dom. The upside of how many barely-literate assholes there are out there is that dominant women are pitifully easy to impress. No really, we are So Fucking Easy To Impress. So easy! When I get a message from a stranger that doesn’t call me by a title I didn’t agree to or launch straight into a list of his kinks like he’s placing an order at a fucking drive-thought, I am seriously thrilled.

All that stuff you saw in porn? Not gonna happen. Sorry to crush your dreams, but porn that’s written by men to make money off of submissive (or “submissive”) men by appealing to as many of them as possible does a shitty job of depicting much of anything that dominant women actually like. Some women do enjoy dressing up for a scene, but lots of us can’t be fucking bothered. Some women do enjoy role playing a cold, bitchy persona in a scene but lots of us are openly affectionate with our partners and play partners while we’re tying them up and hitting them with stuff. Some women enjoy giving orders, some of us hate doing that. Some of us get loud, some of us never raise our voices.

It’s not fundamentally bad to enjoy porn or to want to try out things you’ve seen, but you will never ever get anywhere with a real live dominant woman if you can’t put the porn out of your mind for five goddamn minutes and treat her like a person. She doesn’t exist to get you off, she has needs and desires of her own that you will absolutely have to give a shit about if you want her to give a shit about yours.

Speaking of dominant women being people, you can expect us to, you know, be people. Sometimes we come home from work too tired for that scene we had planned, sometimes we have a shitty day and just want to cuddle on the couch and watch some tv, sometimes we just have stuff to do besides have an hours long scene. We get sick and need someone to bring us soup, we get sad and want someone to stroke our hair, we make mistakes and get things wrong and generally don’t know everything. We’re just people, and if you can’t deal with that you’re going to need to see a pro.

As for events, you will not be leaving your very first munch with a hot dominant girlfriend and you will not immediately live out all of your kinky fantasies at your first play party. You can, however, leave your first munch with new friends who may end up dating you or introducing you to someone you end up dating, and you can leave your first party having learned a lot about what regular old non-pornstar kinky people actually do and having had a good time hanging out with your friends.

No few guys seem to have completely unreasonable expectations for their first events and end up really disappointed because of that. Guys, you’ll honestly be a lot happier if you go in with reasonable expectations. Munches are just an opportunity for kinky people to hang out together, they’re basically meetups. Would you expect to go to one meetup for writers and come home with a girlfriend? No? Then why would you expect to go to one munch and come home with a dominant girlfriend? On the other hand, if you give yourself a reasonable goal like “talk to two people you don’t already know” then it’s a lot easier to go home feeling like a success.

Sadly, you can expect to be contacted mostly by scammers. Some dominant women enjoy searching for and reaching out to submissive men, but some of us are shy. The big thing you need to know about scammers is that if something sounds too good to be true it almost certainly is, and non-scammers won’t ask you for money. Lifestyle (as opposed to professional) doms generally don’t want there to be any misunderstandings whatsoever about whether you can buy our attention, so we don’t ask for money. I’m simplifying a little bit there but you can still safely write off anyone who asks you for money. The scammer who is trying to extract money from you is definitely not the only dom who will ever show an interest in you and considering how little it takes to impress a dominant woman, you can definitely find another one.

And finally, since this post is already super long, you can expect having a real life relationship with a real live dominant woman to be fucking amazing even if it’s nothing like your fantasies. Seriously, getting to do this stuff for real is awesome even when there aren’t any complicated leather outfits involved.

10 thoughts on ““what can i expect as a submissive male”

  1. “All that stuff you saw in porn? Not gonna happen. Sorry to crush your dreams, but porn that’s written by men to make money off of submissive (or “submissive”) men by appealing to as many of them as possible does a shitty job of depicting much of anything that dominant women actually like.”

    Well… I kinda started on the opposite side of that and I can’t be the only one. The idea of having any type of interaction with a woman in a tacky dress that only seems to able to express anger and contempt towards men is frankly unappealing to me. Femdom porn actually worked mostly as a deterrent to my self-acceptance as a submissive. So, if femdom porn makes you feel inadequate, unlovable and unsexy, REJOICE! Most dominant women feel the same! Now go read Ferns’ blog.. that’ll make you feel better about yourself.

    • Oh… I’m sorry.

      Thank you, Stabbity. That’s a very informative post! I hope lots of sub men end up stumbling into it.

    • That is a fantastic point! The thing I most hate about femdom porn is how the women seem to grudgingly tolerate the men, that is not even slightly what I’m about. If I’m hitting somebody with things, I am absolutely delighted to be there 🙂 Part of my standard pre-play negotiation with play partners is a warning that I make this chuckling sound when I’m having a good time and that does not mean I’m laughing at you, it just means I’m having a really great time.

      The short version is that I totally agree, if standard femdom porn with an angry woman who seems unhappy to be there makes you unhappy, you’ll probably get along great with regular dominant women who only play with people they like.

      Oh, and that thing where so many men seem to be wearing masks in femdom porn? That’s not for me either 🙁 I want to see every little reaction, that’s the fun part for me. Submissive guys, you are fundamentally desirable and worthy of being seen.

      • “Oh, and that thing where so many men seem to be wearing masks in femdom porn? That’s not for me either 🙁 I want to see every little reaction, that’s the fun part for me. Submissive guys, you are fundamentally desirable and worthy of being seen.”

        Femdom porn seems to have an obsession with erasing any kind of male sexuality from the screen. I think the mask comes from that. I get that some sub guys are really excited about their own perceived sexual inadequacy, and probably enjoy being made as unsexy as possible. But FFS! Having that as a cornerstone of the whole genre is depressing!

        • If “submissive men” in porn wear masks I assume it’s because they don’t want to be recognized by friends/family/colleagues who might stumble over the clips. I suppose there COULD be some big malevolent plot to erase men’s sexuality going on too, but “I don’t want to get fired from my day job” seems like the more obvious conclusion to me.

          • Haha! You might be right with that. Not all people who appear in porn are professionals who live exclusively from that, and they might care about being identified.

            But the plot is real! Well… kinda.. it’s not so much of a malevolent plot as it is a cultural disregard for men’s sex appeal. I think most femdom porn puts a ton of effort in making the women look sexy and not so much in doing the same to the men.

            Hell… it generally takes me about 2 seconds to find something on tumblr that makes me feel sexy. So it’s not that hard to do.

      • ‘Part of my standard pre-play negotiation with play partners is a warning that I make this chuckling sound when I’m having a good time and that does not mean I’m laughing at you, it just means I’m having a really great time.’

        Awww.. that’s adorable!

  2. Using the responses I get from dominant women answering my personal ads as a statistical sampling base, there’s a 98 percent illiteracy rate among dominant women.

    An example. In my ad I say:

    “I am not a slave. I am not a servant. I am not particularly submissive, I just enjoy being with a dominant woman who enjoys being the disciplinarian in domestic discipline relationship.”

    It’s in the second paragraph of the ad text. I wrote and included it for a reason. Yet, in nearly every response, they address me as slave.

    This is clearly a failure of our educational system. It’s just so sad. We in the BDSM community should have a telethon to raise money to start remedial reading program so we can address this tragedy of epic proportions.

    • you’re sure that you aren’t just being targeted by scammers? I don’t know any single dominant woman who normally uses the term “slave”.

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