How do I tell someone I’m kinky?

One question I see pretty frequently on kink sites is “how do I tell my partner I’m kinky?”

Here’s what I did:

I knew I was kinky well before I met the ridiculously adorable boyfriend. I’ve also read entirely too many discussions started by kinky people who ended up feeling trapped in relationships with non-kinky people, and didn’t want to end up like them. So clearly I needed to figure out if the boyfriend was kinky or at least kink-friendly sooner rather than later. Conveniently enough, there happened to be a munch a few days after I started seeing him, so I invited him to come with me. By texting him “Do you want to come hang out at the gay bar with me and my kinky friends tonight?”. Subtle I am not 🙂

While I don’t necessarily recommend doing things exactly the way I did, I firmly believe that sooner is better when it comes to telling a potential partner you’re kinky. Not only is it more honest and more respectful, it’s a better use of everyone’s time.

Now, this advice isn’t for everyone. If you didn’t figure out you were kinky until after you got married, you get a pass. If kink is something you enjoy when it’s on the menu but can take or leave, then you’re probably not spending a lot of time worrying about how to tell your partner anyway. If you’re not sure yet how important kink is to you, well, it would be great if you could figure that out before getting into a committed relationship, but it’s likely to take a relationship or two to figure out just how important having kink in your life is.

When I say telling a potential partner that you’re kinky right away is a better use of everyone’s time, what I mean is that I have a limited number of hours I can spend around people before I need time alone to recharge. I want to spend those hours on people who accept me for who I am, not people who might turn out to be narrow-minded jerks. To sort out the people I want to spend time with from the people I don’t, I try to scare people off as quickly as possible. That way I don’t have to waste my time on someone who I’m not compatible with, they don’t waste their time on someone who seemed nice at first but turned out to be a total freak, and everyone wins.

That may sound cold and overly goal oriented, but with the number of really great people in the world, do you really want to waste your time hanging around with people you only like okay, and who only like you as long as they don’t know too much about the real you?

It should be pretty clear how lying by omission about something a potential partner really needs to know is dishonest, so I’m not going to beat that point to death. There is something to be said for letting a person get to know you a little before you tell them you’re a member of a subculture plagued by terrible stereotypes, but if someone is so narrow-minded that they actually believe all kinky people are serial killers or were abused as children, they’re too stupid to date. Run away from them.

Finally, I think it’s disrespectful not to let your potential partner make an informed choice about whether they want to date a perv. We are all about informed consent, right? People are allowed not to want to date a kinky person. Maybe they have good reasons for that, or maybe they just believe stupid stereotypes, but either way it’s their choice to make.

To be fair, as a straight woman I have an easier time telling people I’m kinky than straight men do, particularly submissive men. However, thanks to societal misogyny I really do not have an easier time finding a man who is more interested in making me happy than in having me perform a little dominance role-play that’s ultimately all about his penis.

There are actually plenty of people out there who are open-minded enough to at least give kink a try. Stop trying to force non-kinky people into the mold you have for them and date someone who might actually accept you of their own free will.

6 thoughts on “How do I tell someone I’m kinky?

  1. As far as submissive, masochistic men go, I think I would have it relatively easy. The bulk of my kink, and certainly the most fulfilling parts of it, don’t require whips, chains, elaborate hoists, or ungodly amounts of leather, latex, or PVC. There’s a lot of it that could be written off as being attentive and sexually generous boyfriend/lover/etc., but I don’t want it to be simply that. I want it to be explicitly acknowledged between me and a romantic partner that, within limits, I’m going to do what she says, as well as being proactive in trying to meet her desires.

    Even though I didn’t discover my kinkiness until recently, I still think a majority of the girlfriends I’ve had would have been at least willing to explore that. However, there are some things that I think would have been too much for all but one of them. Lucky me, it’s the current girlfriend that is happy to explore with me. Telling her wasn’t an issue, though, because we met through the local kink scene.

  2. There is a point in the dating game where you are not officially together and you are getting to know each other and sussing out whether or not you are right for each other.
    The aim at this point is to find out what they are REALLY like, and to let them know the truth about you. And from that ascertain whether or not this is the right person for you.

    The mistake lots of people make is to try to be what the other person wants because you really want to be with someone.

    We all want to be with someone… but its not going to be fantastic unless it is the right someone.

    So I agree… sooner rather than later be blunt and honest.

    If nothing else I find the results of those conversations hilarious 🙂 And alongside the awesome boyfriend it has found me some amazing kinky and kink friendly friends.

  3. “To sort out the people I want to spend time with from the people I don’t, I try to scare people off as quickly as possible.”

    This is exactly why I tell everyone very quickly that I’m kinky. Efficiency.

  4. Hi this post was sent to me by a woman who I like very much. Is she trying to tell me that she is a dominatrix or something else. My experience is limited but I’m open and experimental. I just want to loose some of the mystery that arises from this. What should I expect?

    • That’s an awfully clever use of my post 🙂 I thoroughly approve. You haven’t given me a whole lot to go on, so while I would guess that she’s at least a little bit kinky, I don’t know much else. I mean, seeing as she gave you a link to a post by a female dom she could be one too, but then again maybe she’s submissive and just likes the way I worded this post.

      I can’t really tell you a lot about what to expect, either. Everyone has a different style when it comes to domination – some people are cold and strict, some people are happy and giggly, some people like inflicting pain, some people hate the idea of hurting their submissive. What I can tell you is that it won’t be like any porn you might’ve watched. If she wants to dress up in skintight leather and call you a worthless worm, I would be very, very surprised.

      Basically, the only one who can answer your questions is the woman you’re talking about. If I were you, I’d do some reading, find a few fairly simple kinky things you’re interested in trying (simple like a hand spanking or getting tied up lightly with a bathrobe belt or something), and see if she wants to try any of those things. If you show an interest in kink, that’ll probably make it less scary for her to talk about just what it is she wants to do with you.

      Good luck!

      • I couldn’t have asked for a better response. We talked and she’s submissive. I can cope with that I like togetherness I don’t see why it can’t go hand in hand. Fears allayed we have talked of spanking,role play,nipple clamps,and even gagging.
        I still have loads of questions, she knows that and i suspect that my kinks might be compatible with hers. We will have to explore that together, but now time to be assertive and to get on with a life time (I hope may be ). Thanks again. Mxxx

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