You’re too young to be a dom

It’s sadly common for the ageist dicks of the world to tell younger doms that they’re too young to be dominant, as if age has anything to do with it.

First of all, being dominant is an identity, not an achievement. If it was an achievement, there would be an agreed upon test to take or a panel of judges who could decide whether or not to bestow true domhood upon you. Tests and judges only make sense when you have something concrete to test, like the ability to play pierce someone without cross contaminating anything. Domination (and submission!) are so subjective that testing how good a dom someone is would be as relevant and useful as testing how good a romantic partner someone is. There is no “good partner,” only the person who is right for you. Dominance is an identity like nerd is an identity – it’s certainly related to things you do, but only you get to decide whether or not you’re a nerd and it has nothing to do with how old you are.

If the people who shit on younger doms were being logical about it, they would also have to shit on older doms who are new to the scene. Age does limit the amount of experience you could possibly have, but if you’ve ever spent any time at any kink events, online or off, you’ll know that it’s not exactly uncommon for people not to figure out they’re kinky or not feel comfortable exploring it until later in life. So why don’t older newbies get more shit? My theory is that they don’t scare the douchebags of the scene because they aren’t walking threats to the idea that domination is this extraordinarily difficult thing that requires years of intense study and only the most extraordinary, experienced, and educated person could possibly call themselves a dom. Basically, these people are so insecure that they freak out when some kid shows up and proves that anybody can be a good dom to the right partner. We can all agree that’s blatant douchebaggery, right?

On the subject of douchebaggery, how exactly are people who are “too young to be doms” supposed to get the experience that would get these assclowns off their backs? Oh, that’s right, they’re not. They’re supposed to quietly slink away from the scene and not provide any competition for the hot young submissives. If you know you can’t compete with a young, inexperienced dom in a subculture that fetishizes experience in doms (god forbid submissives be experienced, but that’s a separate post), I know where the problem is and it’s not with your competition.

Life experience does count, of course, but it’s hardly the be-all end-all of skill as a dom. There’s no shortage of people with decades more life experience than I have making complete asses of themselves on Fetlife, after all. Now, it would take a pretty exceptional 20 year old dom to convince a 25 year old to submit to them, but why couldn’t they be a perfectly good dom for another 20 year old?

I used to have trouble taking younger doms seriously, but I think that was because I a) bought into the myth in the scene that you can’t possibly be a good dom without lots of life experience, and b) was insecure about my own level of experience so I was kind of a dick about people even younger than I was. Fortunately, I’ve grown up since then and now understand that it’s pretty cool if people are figuring out what they really want younger than I did.

And finally, if age is so important how come nobody gets told they’re too young to be submissive?

39 thoughts on “You’re too young to be a dom

  1. This well timed, as this weekend seems full of ageism on Fetlife.

    ~ “What’s with all these 20 somethings who haven’t had 10 years of experience or trained as a sub under another master calling themselves master? What sort of education do they have to claim that title?”
    ~ “Why do all the 30 something ladies want Sugar Daddies instead of doms or masters?”
    ~ “Why does every woman assume I want in their pants when I message?” “Lawl, you’re only 18. Of course you want in their pants.”

    I’ve never understood the idea that in order to be a dom, one has to be over 30 and have at least a decade of “experience.” I mean, what are you supposed to call yourself if not dominant while you’re jumping through all the hoops to be accepted as a dominant. There is this one chick from my state sending out indiscriminate friend requests who had on her profile that no one under 40 should call themselves a dom, because they’re not and she’s tired of all the little boys bothering her. I blocked her. That shit is not cool.

    No one questions the experience of the s-type because they can always train them the way they like. God forbid they have experience, because then they’ll have to untrain ’em and retrain ’em. The old ageist dicks of the world want a naiive tabula rasa that they can teach to blindly believe their bullshit.

    Freakin’ love this post.

    • Ugh, sorry to hear Fetlife is all about the ageism lately. I’m all about calling it out when people actually do something stupid, but if all someone has done is have the apparently unreasonable idea that they can identify themselves how they like while being under the age of 40, there’s no need to shit on them.

      There is this one chick from my state sending out indiscriminate friend requests who had on her profile that no one under 40 should call themselves a dom, because they’re not and she’s tired of all the little boys bothering her. I blocked her. That shit is not cool.

      Ugh. Doesn’t exactly sound like you’re missing anything by not having contact with her.

    • I’m 47 female, my Dom is 20, male. It was an instant bizarre unfathomable realization that I could not shake off, and that instantly showed me what I’d been trying out with everyone always my whole life. It was the same when I met my husband. I just instantly knew. Age is a ridiculous metric.

  2. I agreed totally. Its very sad when folk who should know better have such short memories. Its likely they had that ageism tosh thrown at them when they first embraced this life and they are hoping to become a Wise One an Obi Wan Kanobi of the Dominant life style feted and consulted.Hmmm.. I don’t think so !!
    I hope all younger Doms and Dommes laugh,
    ignore and prove the spiteful folk wrong by enjoying life and finding fulfilment.
    Ps. Im a submissive and I got told I’m too old (I’m
    27!) I had better get myself a zimmer frame 🙂
    I am so pleased to have found this blog.

    • Its likely they had that ageism tosh thrown at them when they first embraced this life

      Exactly! We were all young and inexperienced once, we can damned well wait until somebody actually does something wrong before shitting on them.

      Im a submissive and I got told I’m too old (I’m 27!)

      Goddammit humanity 🙁 I’m 31 and I prefer s-types near my own age so we’ll actually have something in common. I thoroughly agree with what Simina said above, that “The old ageist dicks of the world want a naiive tabula rasa that they can teach to blindly believe their bullshit.” If someone says you’re too old they’re just scared that you won’t believe whatever ridiculous bullshit they tell you about how a “real sub would …”

  3. I am age biased, and I don’t make much of a secret of it. However, my bias is only, solely, towards myself. A young dom can absolutely be fantastic with a young sub, or even slightly older, (or heck even much older depending on the dynamic and the people). It simply, absolutely, is something that doesn’t work for me.
    I think voicing what works for me isn’t an asshole move and someone young doesn’t even attract me. Yet, me making that statement sends many up in arms. Someone states what works for them/what doesn’t, shouldn’t immediately be attacked or taken offense to. They aren’t sending out the information to the far and wide; they are saying this isn’t for me.

    • Yeah, people can sadly be total dicks about someone else’s perfectly reasonable preferences if *gasp* those preferences rule them out as a partner. What you’re saying sounds totally reasonable, what I’m talking about are the ageist dicks of the world who say that no one under the age of x could possibly be a good dom to anyone, anywhere, no matter what that s-types age preferences actually are.

  4. Great thoughts in this post. I do have some comments to make that stuck out at me, and feel free to reply with your thoughts on what I’m saying 🙂

    2) I think when people say someone is “too young” to be a Dominant, they mostly mean “too immature”. Which I think can be a valid point sometimes (in most cases). I mean, I don’t think it’s okay to write young Doms off, I think they need guidance. I think I myself was immature when I first started exploring kink (and I still do or say or think immature things sometimes since I’m always growing and learning), and I think that’s true of all new people, despite age. It just feels more natural to label a young person immature than it does someone older, although of course there are older people who very much lack maturity. And in addition to maturity, I think a healthy Dominant needs other interpersonal skills that we often don’t think younger people have had time to develop; patience, emotional intelligence, experience mitigating disagreements and miscommunications, experience navigating romantic as well as platonic relationships, responsibility and self control/restraint…. and the list could go on. So while I agree with you on the basic idea that age doesn’t necessarily matter and that new older doms can be just as bad as new younger doms, I do understand the perception of young people that most older people have (and I am 24 so I don’t know where I fall). I mean, if I met an 18 year old boy who wanted to Dominate me, I would absolutely assume he didn’t check off on maturity because none of us are mature at that age, we need to grow as people in lots of ways. I would more likely trust someone older just because I would assume they had more time to develop the checklist of skills I outlined. But that’s not to say I don’t think older new people (or older experienced people) can’t be immature also.

    I’m curious to know your thoughts on that.

    2) Also, I am not sure how much I agree with “dominant” being an identity just like “nerd”. I don’t think people should walk around in their daily lives thinking they are so much more dominant relative to other people they interact with; that’s just rude lol. We are supposed to be equal with our peers in real life, and with anyone whom we haven’t negotiated a power structure, and an identity like “Dominant” carries the weight of a power structure. Something like “nerd” doesn’t. But someone thinking of themselves as comparatively dominant in relation to other people sort of rubs me the wrong way.

    • I think when people say someone is “too young” to be a Dominant, they mostly mean “too immature”.

      I can understand why people think that, and I think it’s possible, likely, and common to be too immature to be a good dom, but I don’t agree that a person can’t call themselves dominant at all until they hit a certain level of maturity. I mean, if I love swimming and go swimming as often as I can, I get to call myself a swimmer whether or not I’m actually any good at it. It would be really shitty for people to say I’m not a swimmer at all just because I don’t meet their standards. They don’t have to swim with me if they don’t want to, they just shouldn’t be dicks about whether I call myself a swimmer.

      What I mean by dominant being an identity is that it’s one of those things that so subjective that I and only I get to say what I am. Other people get to decide whether they think I’m any good at it, whether I’m the right sort of dom for them, whether they would ever in a million years submit to me, but they don’t get to tell me what I am.

      The power structure thing is a little more complicated. There certainly is an unjustified level of privilege given to people who decide to call themselves doms, and I spend a lot of time trying to tear that down. My last post before this one was all about how calling yourself dominant doesn’t entitle you to anything. I absolutely do not believe that I am special, more powerful, or somehow better than submissive people just because I woke up one day and decided to call myself dominant.

      I don’t think people should walk around in their daily lives thinking they are so much more dominant relative to other people they interact with; that’s just rude lol.

      I don’t either, that would be weird. My being dominant doesn’t have much to do with my daily life, it’s really only relevant when someone asks for a dom’s perspective or if I’m talking with someone who I know is both submissive and interested in potentially submitting to me. But it’s always a part of who I am, just like my sexuality is always a part of who I am even though most of the time which gender I prefer to have sex with is completely irrelevant.

      • Yeah. I completely disagree with this mindset. You can call yourself a dom all you want, it doesn’t make you a dom, just as calling yourself a swimmer doesn’t make you a swimmer, especially if you can’t even swim.

        Identity is more complicated that that. I’m not certain that identity is simply what you tell yourself you are/what you believe to be true, but a major factor in identity comes from how you relate with the world, and what you express. If you express yourself as an incompetent dom, why should anyone call you dom? Regardless of what you believe yourself.

        I know a lot of people who call themselves ‘dom’ who aren’t even close. Does this mean I should still call them dom, simply because this is what they call themselves? I have no tolerance for feeding into someone’s delusion.

        And yes, it takes a certain amount of experience, emotional intelligence and self awareness to even *be* a dom. I think this goes straight back to the point of reality vs. perception. If you aren’t self aware enough to understand that you’re not a dom just because you call yourself one in the recesses of your mind, how can you even be a dom?

        I wouldn’t say all young people are incapable of being dominant. That would be silly. It just so happens that self aware, emotionally intelligent people are oftentimes older.

        Some people might also say young people can’t be doms because it’s a turn off for them to have a younger person act dominant. Some of them can’t take a younger dom seriously. It’s like a play in which the actor is too young for the role, and everyone in the audience is confused.

        While I agree that those with this mindset can’t braodstroke all young people as bad doms simply because it’s a turn off for them, I do understand the frustration/sentiment, especially with young ‘doms’ who believe they are ‘doms’ simply because they call themselves ‘dominant’.

        • You can call yourself a dom all you want, it doesn’t make you a dom

          Then what does, and who put you in charge of deciding who’s a dom and who isn’t? Also, what makes your definition even remotely relevant if two people are in a d/s relationship that they’re happy with that doesn’t involve you?

          If you express yourself as an incompetent dom, why should anyone call you dom?

          Basic courtesy, which you appear to lack. Seriously, it’s a dick move to tell other people you know their identity better than they do. For reference, my definition of dominant is “someone who has dominant desires” (which I totally just stole from Ranai below). If I were a lesbian and “bad” at it (bad at signalling my identity so I could find other lesbians, had never actually had sex with a woman, spent a long time not knowing I was a lesbian because of compulsory heterosexuality), I would still be a lesbian no matter what some random jackass said about my experience level.

          If you aren’t self aware enough to understand that you’re not a dom just because you call yourself one in the recesses of your mind, how can you even be a dom?

          If it’s not a personal understanding of your own desires, then what makes someone a dom? Also, I really can’t know what’s going on in another person’s mind/heart/spirit/whatever you want to call it. I have to go by what they tell me about who they are. This does get complicated when I see men who are extraordinarily bad at submission and question whether they’re submissive, but I’m trying to stick to criticizing the behaviour (ie you suck at that) or giving information (ie dominant bottoms are a thing, just fyi) instead of telling someone they’re wrong about their identity (ie you’re just not submissive at all, I know better than you) because that is such a dick move and I really fucking hate it when people imply I’m not really dominant because I’m female/shy/quiet/polite/not an intense sadist/low protocol/totally uninterested in micromanagement/pick a reason, there are lots to choose from for people who are determined to be assholes about my identity.

          I know a lot of people who call themselves ‘dom’ who aren’t even close. Does this mean I should still call them dom, simply because this is what they call themselves? I have no tolerance for feeding into someone’s delusion.

          This is eerily close to the bullshit transphobic people spout about whether someone is allowed to identify as the gender they actually are if they can’t “pass” (which I fully acknowledge is a problematic concept). Telling a trans woman she’s not a woman because she hasn’t made any changes to her body or she isn’t good at putting on makeup or can’t afford a new wardrobe would make me a tremendous asshole, so I don’t fucking do it.

          But to be fair, it is possible that what you’re talking about is the way people say “oh he’s not dominant, he’s just an asshole.” That’s really common and I’ve fallen for it myself, but I honestly don’t think it’s helpful. Some people are both dominant and abusive assholes. They’re not mutually exclusive. I also think it’s cowardly to redefine someone as “not dominant” for the purpose of making them not the scene’s problem. If we’re attracting abusers it goddamn well is our problem.

          And yes, it takes a certain amount of experience, emotional intelligence and self awareness to even *be* a dom.

          It also takes a certain amount of experience, emotion intelligence and self awareness to have a good romantic relationship, and somehow we still let teenagers in relationships call each other boyfriend/girlfriend even though the chances of that relationship lasting more than a few months are pretty low. Not to mention that we gain experience, emotional intelligence and self awareness by trying things. Seriously, how is someone supposed to become a dom without, you know, dominating people and learning what works and what doesn’t?

          Some people might also say young people can’t be doms because it’s a turn off for them to have a younger person act dominant.

          And those people are assholes. If age play is a turnoff for me, that says absolutely nothing about whether that age player is allowed to enjoy what they’re doing and identify as an age player. If I’m not part of the relationship and no one is being abused, it’s none of my fucking business what other people call themselves.

          • I believe our definitions of ‘dom’ are different. The desire to dominate someone doesn’t make you a ‘dom’ in my book. Lot’s of people desire this. Doesn’t mean they have any business in a D/s relationship.

          • I want to know, if a dominant person isn’t allowed to call themselves dom without all this magical experience and training and what not, what the hell are they supposed to call themselves to express their identity? Dominant is not a title. I don’t walk around calling people Dom So and So. They are a dom if they identify as dominant and are desirous of being the dominant half of a relationship, whether they are suited for it or not. You don’t have to be good at it to be a dom. You can be a bad dom, but you’re still a dom.

            I say now and will continue to say so, dominant is not a title. If a dominant person can’t call themselves a dom, how are they supposed to identify themselves?

          • @Simina (I’ve run out of nesting and can’t reply directly)

            Dominant is not a title.

            That’s perfect! That sums up just what I was trying to get at. To me “dominant” is strictly a descriptor of who I am and what I want, like you said it’s not a title. Now, if someone went around calling themselves a master but had little experience I could see telling them to think about scaling it back to dominant until they have a better handle on what they’re doing, but master, unlike dominant, is generally recognized as a title (I say generally recognized because everyone has their own definition for every term we use).

            Oh! Speaking of definitions, maybe when Nox says dominant what they mean is more like what I think of as a master. There are a couple of issues with that, though. The term master implies interest in having a slave since it’s so common to hear about master/slave relationships, and it’s also important to have a term for d-types who don’t have years of experience and don’t want a 24/7 or slavery type relationship. I mean, I’m dominant, but I have no interest in a 24/7 relationship. I think they can be a beautiful thing and they’re certainly super hot to fantasize about, but in real life I would burn out inside of a week if I tried to run a relationship that intense. We need separate words for people who want different things so we have a hope in hell of finding people who want the same things we do.

          • @samina Where exactly did I say that a dominant person can’t call themselves a dom without ‘magical experience and training and what not’?

        • > “And yes, it takes a certain amount of experience, emotional intelligence and self awareness to even *be* a dom. I think this goes straight back to the point of reality vs. perception. If you aren’t self aware enough to understand that you’re not a dom just because you call yourself one in the recesses of your mind, how can you even be a dom?”

          > ” I do understand the frustration/sentiment, especially with young ‘doms’ who believe they are ‘doms’ simply because they call themselves ‘dominant’.”

          Both of these statements imply that you think they shouldn’t call themselves doms because you think they aren’t doms. Particularly when you put quotes around the word dom in the latter statement.

  5. I tried to read this, but I had to stop half way through because your use of language was contrasting too strongly with your argument. I agree that being a good dom is not about age, it’s about maturity. And tossing insults like “assclown” and “douchebag” at anyone who disagrees with you isn’t making a very good argument toward your maturity. Maybe trying making your point without throwing insulting epithets around and you’ll get taken more seriously.

  6. What do people mean when they say ‘be a dom’? They may not all mean the same thing.

    Some sources of disagreements can become clearer when leaving an ‘identity’ concept behind and asking something more differentiated. ‘Identity’ is a hazy concept. ‘Being’ something-or-other is a hazy concept. How about asking, for example, about desires, actions, relationships etc.?

    My opinions on some specific meanings:

    ‘You’re too young to have dominant desires’ – Nonsense. Desires, fantasies, turn-ons, inclinations, wishes come by themselves. They don’t wait for social permission to exist in a young human’s mind.

    ‘You’re too young to dominate me’ – Just one of the many variants of ‘We don’t happen to be compatible’. The latter formulation is more accurate and more polite.

    ‘You’re too young to dominate anyone erotically’ – Apart from age of sexual consent, who is to say? Societies set conventions and rules for ages of consent to protect minors. I don’t see how they could be any different for dominant people than for any other people. Starting out with relationships, love and sex means some level of uncertainty and emotional risk for everyone. Education can mitigate physical and emotional risks, but can’t rule them out.

    ‘You’re too young to be a dominant partner in any power differential relationship’ – Sure, I would not trust everyone who may have dominant desires to actually do this to mutual long term happiness. But that’s because of important qualities that aren’t expressed in number of years lived. If age X is ‘too young’, what age is ‘old enough’? Apart from age of consent, who on the outside is to say?

    ‘You’re too young to dominate person X because they are Y years older than you’ – Any hard number of years will be arbitrary. If both are of age, who outside the relationship is to say?

    • You’re too young to have dominant desires’ – Nonsense. Desires, fantasies, turn-ons, inclinations, wishes come by themselves. They don’t wait for social permission to exist in a young human’s mind.

      Dammit, I wish I’d mentioned that in my post. My definition of dom is basically “has dominant desires”, which means that a) it can only be a good thing if people figure out what they really want at a young age and start working toward it, and b) it’s nonsensical to tell other people that they don’t want the thing they just said they wanted. They may not fully understand yet what dominating someone actually means (for a long time I thought doms just magically knew what to do in tough situations, for example), but the best way to figure that out is to get some experience. Also, I think if you’re looking for experience as a dom, it’s totally reasonable to use a label that helps people who want what you want to find you.

      I don’t know what young doms are supposed to call themselves, but for the sake of discussion let’s say the secret dom council has decreed that doms under the age of 25 may only call themselves tops. If you advertise yourself as a top, you’re more likely to meet people who want to be topped but not dominated. That’s going to be frustrating for the dom who isn’t getting their needs met and frustrating for the bottom whose top keeps asking for stuff the bottom isn’t interested in. Why make things difficult for people when we have labels that do a better (although of course imperfect) job of describing what they actually want?

      Sure, I would not trust everyone who may have dominant desires to actually do this to mutual long term happiness. But that’s because of important qualities that aren’t expressed in number of years lived.

      Yep. Making it about years lived just bugs me. If it’s about maturity, life experience, or even just having cultural references in common that’s fine, but be honest about it. And again, if dominance is about having dominant desires, maturity/life experience/whatever are only relevant in the sense that sometimes it takes some life experience to figure out what you really want.

      who outside the relationship is to say?

      Exactly! If I’m not in the relationship, it’s none of my fucking business who identifies as what. Somebody else’s perfect sub is my intolerable brat, but my feelings about whether or not he’s actually a sub are totally irrelevant if his dom is happy. I’d have to be unbelievably arrogant to think that my standards for submission trump those of the woman who’s actually in a relationship with him.

  7. Afterthought:

    ‘You’re too young to be referred to as a dom in our group, because in our group we give by default more social prestige to people whom we call doms than to other members.’ – The problem is the domism and role essentialism in the group, not that person’s age.

    This is an afterthought for me. I think of dominance as people’s private business in personal, intimate relationships. Which it is, first and foremost. All that group, public scene and online networking stuff is secondary and optional.

    • Thanks for the link, I haven’t read that article in quite a while. Your concept of dominance sounds really similar to mine, and I should really just blog about that already so people will have some idea what I’m actually talking about 🙂

    • Good article link. I think I get a little of this online. I am very much a submissive; it’s not just a “play preference”. However, that doesn’t mean I submit to everybody.

  8. Thanks for that! In whatever forum about BDSM I go that’s all I see. If your submissive (or submissives) see you as a Dom(me) then you are. I am only 16, of course that sounds weird cause I really “know nothing”, but who will determine what I know or not? Maybe I’m even more mature than the “Doms” who go about the world judging and telling other Doms what to do and how they should be. If you’re a Dom mind your own business and let everyone else enjoy even if they’re not really Doms.
    That doesn’t only apply for the BDSM world, but every community. Why would we judge based on age, looks,money? Let’s make the world a better place <3

    • Maybe I’m even more mature than the “Doms” who go about the world judging and telling other Doms what to do and how they should be.

      Ha! I have to admit, it seems pretty immature to insist that your personal definition of “dominant” somehow magically overrides the definitions of people who are perfectly happy in their relationships.

      If you’re a Dom mind your own business and let everyone else enjoy even if they’re not really Doms.

      I don’t understand how it hurts me if someone who “isn’t a dom” (I don’t know how to tell if someone is really a dom and don’t particularly care to police other people’s identities) calls themselves one. There are so many ways to be incompatible with someone even if they are dominant, does it really make a difference if someone calls themselves a dom when they aren’t good at it?

      Also, good on you for figuring out what you want so young! I was in my early 20s before I figured out I was kinky, let alone that I was dominant.

      • Somebody who is the “D” in a consensual D/s relationship is by definition a “dom”. Or are subs supposed to say, “The person to whom I submit”? Silly!

        And before that, how is a dom with no experience not a dom? It’s an orientation! I think the terminology problem is the other way around: how do we identify experienced and highly skilled dommes?

        As for our friend Alexandra. Throwing my mind back to the misery of being a teenage sub in a world where nobody was really aware of BDSM as a lifestyle: I’d say, practically speaking, she can be called anything she wants.

  9. An amazing comment thread!

    I must admit as a non-Scene sub, I find the whole “Oh so you are a dom/sub, therefore you Must Be Trained and Mentored and Learn These Vital Skills and Find A Mentor” odd. I mean, sure, both roles take practice to make them work. And if you’re doing highly technical BDSM activities, you need to learn how to do them safely. However, mostly it’s just like sex but through different channels…

    • However, mostly it’s just like sex but through different channels…

      Yeah, I just can’t understand how it’s even meaningful to say whether someone you’re not in a relationship with is a dom. It’s subjective on the same level “good at sex” is, so how does anyone else’s opinion even relevant?

      Oh god, don’t get me started about mentoring. I know there are great mentors out there who have nothing but the wellbeing of newbies at heart, but it seems so common for a “mentor” to be some douchebag who just wants to call dibs on a hot young newbie without actually taking responsibility for being a good dom to them. Not to mention that if kink is strictly an intimate relationship thing for you, having a mentor makes about as much sense as finding a mentor to teach you how to have sex in a vanilla romantic relationship.

      • > I just can’t understand how it’s even meaningful to say whether someone you’re not in a relationship with is a dom.

        Actually, I think it *is* possible to have a meaningful conversation about this, since I am pretty sure “dominant” is usually an orientation rather than a hobby. (Certainly when I cast my mind back, my submissive nature seems fixed and part of me.) That said, “doing BDSM from a dominant role” would be a pretty good indicator of such an orientation…

  10. Dominants have decided they are dominant.That is it case closed. End of. What if you think for whatever reason a particular Dom is too young for you? You politely decline and move on. That is your choice,your perogative.They will certainly find someone who doesn’t feel like you do. What if you find a Dom that is rather aged riddled with Arthritis and can’t raise a paddle (so to speak ) too old for you?
    You politely decline and move on …see the trend here?
    Its personal taste, choice and sexual preference.
    Dont be insulting, ignorant or prejudiced.
    Anyone who flings the “your not old enough to be
    a Dom ” mud pie is the imature bigoted one.

    I have got myself unusually angry now..:(

  11. I fell into the agism trap at first, in two ways. As a sub who only discovered this side of myself in my early 50’s I sought out doms of my own age, to find they only wanted younger subs. I didn’t think a young dom could measure up until I let myself explore and found it only heightened the power shift (though this may be entirely personal).

  12. I’m almost running into the opposite issue, tbh. M having great difficulty finding a domme who’s anywhere near my age (I’m 20). Generally all I’ve been able to find are dommes who are obviously either exploitative or in it for the money :/. Just because the idea of playing with somebody who has half my age on me is a bit odd…

    • As much as I hate the “there are a bazillion subs for every dommmmmm” whining from people who can’t find a dom because they suck, I think there are actually fewer women who identify as doms in their late teens/early 20s than there are older doms. It just seems to take some time to accept yourself and to burn out on trying to be someone else to make people around you happy.

      I wish I had some useful advice here, but all I can really say is to be patient, which I know is immensely frustrating to hear.

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