Today I have a special treat for you, a guest post from a reader! Clem brings us the tale of how she discovered her own dominance and found a way to keep warm in the icy Montreal winter 🙂

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Memoirs from an icy hot winter in Montreal

I like Stabbity, she’s a fresh voice in a tamed niche, so you can imagine that I was in awe when on a rainy Montreal morning, she accepted to lend me a spot on her blog to speak about a «particular» encounter I had last winter…

I was born a shy and polite little daddy’s girl in France and if you came upon me in the street or at a restaurant, you probably wouldn’t even notice me. I’m introverted, I’m that shy girl in the back of the class, the girl that prefers looking down rather than looking people in the eyes, but it is true what they say: «Introvert can be Dominant», I am the living, breathing proof of it!

So let me just open up, get comfortable and talk about that hot icy winter I had when I first arrived in Montreal from France!

Now folks back home used to tell me all sorts of things about Quebec, it was icy, it was cold, windy, it was like hell, just a lot colder, a lot lot colder!

As the lumberjacks that first arrived here in America centuries ago, I just had to find a way to heat things up, and Man! Did I Find It!

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan … The man who uncovered the dark dominant side of my personality, I have to admit I was a little shaken up at first but like Stabbity says: It’s okay to be different and when I find myself slapping Nathan all the while getting my rocks off , I tend to forget about my inhibitions!

How it all started…

I met Nathan last winter in Montreal, while ice skating at the Atrium Le 1000. It was cold, a lot colder than I had anticipated when I left Paris for my little trip to Canada just a week before. I was a student at the time and wanted to study abroad, as far away from France, and mostly from my parents, as I could. I applied for a three-month scholarship in Quebec and was quickly accepted to study at McGill University, within the department of Psychology. I left Paris without a trace of guilt and embraced the adventure with open arms. I feared the cold in Canada but came to realize that my time could be icy hot if I really wanted it to. Nathan became my adventure, one of self-exploration. With Nathan, I found out how free and strong I really was.

Nathan was a very handsome guy. We started chatting and skating the day we met and then went for some mulled wine together and tongues became looser quickly. I liked him but quickly noticed he was not going forward with anything. He was just being exceptionally friendly, sending me all the signals but did nothing more. He let me boil like this for about three dates and when finally, I couldn’t help myself and kissed him. I nearly slapped him for not taking the initiative and, in my frustration, I ordered him to pick me up and take me to a room in the hotel across the street from the place where we were. He liked my command and did as I told him.

Icy Hot Discovery

I got such a surge of power from this, like never before. Of course I had orgasms before Nathan and knew that the female orgasm itself wasn’t just physical, it was emotional, psychological and for the first time, I came to understand what the most complete kind of orgasm was!

I thought of myself in a position of complete control over this man I had not slept with before and wanted him. I wanted him to obey me and to make him give me pleasure. And he did. This was the unexpected part of it. He let me do what my imagination had quickly built around the whole situation and MORE. Nathan encouraged me to dominate him. He encouraged me to slap him and push him down on me. He let me pull his hair with passion and show him who is in charge and I glowed. It felt…amazing. Like my real personality had just come out for the very first time. I made him lick my entire body, kiss my feet and walk his tongue up on me from the tip of my toe, to the knee, slowly rising towards the inner thigh and near my vagina. He was burning with fever and lust and I held him back. I put his belt around his neck and walked him like a puppy in bed where I made him satisfy me. I was the Dominatrix.

Days went by…

I called on Nathan almost every evening. I made him take my fancies and he did. He enjoyed it. I loved it. In his presence, I became the queen, the ruler, the everything. All had to be done as I said or he would be punished. I would not hurt him badly, of course, unless he disobeyed me. He tried a few times, but I used that belt which was always at hand and… Strangely, I liked it. I slapped him over his adorable bottom with some considerable strength and he shouted out loud, but immediately rectified his attitude, obeying me. This made me feel so hot that I could probably have melted Canadian ice with my wet pussy. His bottom was red and my face was smiling with satisfaction. He had a massive erection, so I am very sure he enjoyed his “slave” position. He was in the right place, between my legs, licking me and lifting me to heaven. Because that is what heaven feels like: a man between my thighs, doing what I am telling him to do. You know it and I know it.

Sexual satisfaction has never been the same since Nathan. He brought forward who I really am and as a Psychology professional, I completely understand this better than anyone else. I enjoy Female Domination Relationships and always indulge myself into giving myself what I need. A hard penis is not enough. I need someone who does what he is told and likes it, someone who knows where their right place is and who can give me the pleasure I want, when I want it and how I want. And my taste is not simple at all. Boys have to work for it.

Not so long ago I mentioned that I think asking for tribute up front to weed out timewasters is ironically a waste of time. Let’s go into excruciating detail about that like the nerd I am 🙂

Sadly, it’s very common for submissive guys to be contacted by scammers and end up scared of being burned. If you ask for money right away, you make guys afraid that’s all you want from them.

It also makes you look kind of dumb, to be blunt. If you know something is likely to scare off good people who just don’t want to get scammed out of their savings and only work for people who think that because they’re paying you they’re entitled to get the kind of scene they want and you do it anyway, that doesn’t exactly make you look good. Also, if you’re having so much trouble with no-shows, you should be spending less time asking for money and more time thinking about your vetting process. If nothing else, you can at least ask potential submissives to meet you somewhere you wanted to go anyway to make it less of a hassle if they don’t show.

As a little bit of an aside, guys, this is one of the reasons it’s so common for women to ask potential subs to meet them at a munch or other kink event. If she’s going to be there anyway, she still gets to have a good time with her friends if you don’t show, which beats the hell out of feeling like a chump and wasting time making a special trip out somewhere to meet some jackass who stood her up.

And finally, the meat of the problem I have with asking for tribute when you’re not explicitly interacting with people as a pro-dom who is looking to make a living: it blurs the lines between pro and non-pro in a way that’s only going to end with everyone unhappy. Part of the service you pay for when you pay a pro is that when you turn up she is ready to play, ready to play in a way you like, dressed up in fetish gear and happy to see you. When you visit your dominant girlfriend, well maybe she’ll be in the mood to play, or maybe she had a shitty day at work or got some bad news and just wants to cuddle and watch tv. Maybe she’ll break out the fetish gear or maybe she’ll play in her jammies. Maybe she’s into acting out that one fantasy you’ve had forever, or maybe she wants to get out her favourite toy, that one you really hate.

Now, I’m not a pro, so let’s not pretend I have any real expertise here, but it seems reasonable that someone who makes a living dominating people has a vested interest in repeat business. To be fair, I’m pretty interested in my play partners having a good enough time with me to ever come back once I’ve decided to play with them for the first time, but I think it’s a lot easier to tell people you don’t feel like doing x if you don’t have to calculate how much income you could lose by saying that. From what I understand that’s much more of an issue for newbie pros who are still building up a roster of clients and therefore have to worry more about paying the bills than about doing only sessions that work for them personally, but still, I think paying for a session changes things.

Now, there’s certainly an argument to be made that doms put a lot of energy into their scenes and deserve to get something back but there’s a really simple solution there that doesn’t involve confusing people about whether or not you’re a pro: don’t play with douchebags.

And if you’re having that bad of a time getting stood up, take a break, then start being more judgemental 😉 In my experience the majority of jerks do a very bad job of hiding the fact that they think you’re a walking kink dispenser. When I end up pissed off at someone for wasting my time, it’s usually because I gave him a chance when I knew perfectly well it was a terrible idea. Sometimes even I want to believe that people who’ve disappointed me can learn.

Timewasters suck, but I really believe tribute only weeds out people who want to be valued for who they are.

A little while ago there was a really interesting discussion in that one Fetlife group I like about married submissive men who are looking for kinky play. I basically wrote a blog post in the comments and figured hey, maybe this would be useful to people who aren’t already friends with me on Fetlife. I’ve already talked a bit about married subs and about how to introduce your partner to femdom (mostly as a counterpoint to Elise Sutton’s terrible advice), so some of this may be familar if you’ve been reading for a while.

My biggest piece of advice for guys who don’t know how to tell their wives that they’re kinky is to absolutely not use any BDSM jargon whatsoever. None! Don’t do it! Two things go wrong when you do that: you bring to mind every terrible stereotype about kink in general and about dominant women in particular, which is just going to freak out a vanilla person, and you assume they know what you want when you haven’t actually given them any useful information whatsoever.

Just because you’ve been interested in kink for years and know being dominant isn’t actually about dressing up in uncomfortable fetish gear and acting like a total bitch doesn’t mean that isn’t exactly what your partner will immediately think of if you use the words “fetish,” “kink,” “bdsm,” “domination,” etc, etc. It would be great if everyone listened to everything their partner brings up with a perfectly open mind, but let’s be realistic here. By using BDSM jargon, you’re going to make your partner worry that you don’t love her the way she is and you want her to become a completely different person just to get you off. No, I’m not kidding. If you know of any positive depictions of dominant women, submissive men, or loving and affectionate female dom/male sub relationships in mainstream media, I would sincerely love to hear about it.

It is really, really common to hear that women new to domination, even ones who are interested for their own reasons, are afraid they aren’t mean enough to be real doms or that they’ll never find a submissive partner because they’re too nice. Do not make your partner worry that you want her to be someone else, you’ve got to stress that you want to do this stuff with her because you love her, not some ice-queen fantasy.

Another reason you shouldn’t use jargon when you talk to your partner is that it’s a complete waste of time. Telling a vanilla woman you want her to dominate you gives her nothing to work with. That term means nothing to her. Actually, telling anyone, even the kinkiest kinkster ever to kink, that you want them to dominate you is totally unhelpful. “Dominate me” could mean anything from ‘tie me down and cane me until there are welts all over my ass’ to ‘give me a list of tasks and then stroke my hair and tell me I’m a good boy when I finish them.’ If you want someone to do something for you, you’ve got to give her specifics. Being vague is just setting her up to fail, wtf is she supposed to do to make you happy if you won’t tell her what you want?

When you tell her what you want, my advice is to start small (really, really small), and ask for simple concrete things in plain language. Stuff like ‘I love it when you tell me what you want in bed’ or ‘You’ve had a long week, let’s do whatever you want tonight’ is something your partner can work with.

And don’t forget to praise the hell out of any tiny step she takes toward dominance. Nothing infuriates me like hearing from women who are trying to make their partners happy only to hear that nothing they do is good enough. If you absolutely have to get your ideal kinky fantasy acted out exactly the way you imagined it, dump your poor girlfriend so she can find someone who actually likes her and see a pro already.

Oh, and probably my second biggest piece of advice is to really, seriously think about the possibility that your wife’s ideal kinky relationship looks nothing like your ideal kinky relationship. I can’t remember where I found it now, but there was this thread I read a while ago with submissive guys who had started doing kinky stuff their wives actually liked and presented it like this amazing revelation. Like “Guys, guess what! If you do stuff your wife likes…. she’ll actually like kink! Who could have ever forseen this shocking turn of events!”

You may be all about the vacuum bed and the stiletto heels and the leather, where she may just want you to do what she says when she says it. Do you want to get your kink on just the way you imagined it or do you want to get some of what makes you happy and actually make your partner happy too?

Another interesting question that post brought up is what to do if you’ve tried to get your partner interested in kink and it’s just not working for her.

First, absolutely do not nag her about it. No means no, jerkface. If she’s not interested, do not keep bringing it up, that’s a dick move. It’s not giving up, it’s respecting her fucking choices as if she’s a person or something.

Second, think long and hard about whether you would rather have kink in your life or be married to her, and keep in mind that your interest in kink will definitely not just go away because you wish it would. There’s no right answer there, it’s down to you and what you need. For me, the answer would probably be different depending on whether she tried kink and couldn’t get into it or if she refused to even entertain the idea. Personally, I’d think twice about staying married to someone who wouldn’t even give it a shot and see if they hate it, but I’m kind of a hardass about stuff like that.

The original poster also asked if anyone in the group would help out a submissive guy’s vanilla wife if she wanted to learn more about kink or maybe even try it. I would definitely do that, I think it would be an interesting conversation and I like helping people. It’s really not a shortcut considering you’ve got to get your partner interested in kink before introducing her to some weirdo on the internet, but if she is interested there’s contact info on my about page and I promise I’m a lot more patient with curious vanilla people than with random jerks who send me shitty one line messages.

And finally, I kinda lied when I said my biggest piece of advice was not to use jargon. My real biggest piece of advice is to make sure you’re pulling your fucking weight in your relationship before you ask your partner to do even more for you. Seriously, read Why aren’t male doms into service?, read the two Captain Awkward columns I linked in that post where she answers letters from women who are desperately unhappy that their male partners won’t act like fucking grownups and clean a goddamn house what are you five what the fuck is wrong with you, read the Unfuck Your Habitat post about how the idea that men don’t see mess is complete and utter bullshit, and read the epic metafilter thread on emotional labour.

Once you’ve read all that, make really goddamn sure you’re not just heaping yet another chore on your poor partner’s shoulders when you ask her to try kink for you. If she’s already doing the vast majority of cooking, cleaning, and managing everyone’s feelings (is it her job to cheer you up when you have a shitty day at work? if you have kids, is it her job to cheer them up when they have a shitty day at school? is it her job to keep track of your relatives’ birthdays and find and wrap and deliver gifts to them?) then she’s just going to see doing weird stuff in the bedroom for you as yet another chore.

You like your partner, right? Don’t give her another chore, ask her if she wants to try something that could be fun.

I’ve seen an awful lot of hate for financial doms on the internets and you know, I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually about the money at all.

First of all, when I say “financial doms” I’m talking about people who are completely open and honest about wanting money. People who pretend to want a kinky boyfriend and then start asking for money are scammers, and I already wrote about avoiding them.

To be fair, there is a bit of grey area with financial doms who are just complete assholes about it. I’m not sure how much I care that you’re “just catering to a fetish plenty of men have” I think it’s a dick move to write openly about how you think submissive men are worthless and only good for opening their wallets without making it really clear that’s a fantasy roleplay. It’s also scary easy to financial domination to devolve into financial abuse, but then again that’s true of any power exchange relationship. I’m not sure a bad financial dom is fundamentally that much worse than the bad dom who says if you were a real submissive you would _____.

Depending on where you get your information about dominant women, it can be sickeningly easy to get the impression that doms don’t actually like submissive men, they just like the cash they can extract from them. No doubt that’s a terrible feeling, but guys, how bad am I supposed to feel for someone who can’t be bothered to google “healthy bdsm relationship“? There is not exactly a shortage of dominant women out here yelling about how we just want to be treated like people.

All that said, I have some serious doubts that the assumption that women who ask for tribute are money grubbing whores or contemptible opportunists is about the money they’re asking for at all. A big part of it is about men feeling entitled to women’s time/effort/emotional labour and being absolutely incensed that everything they want isn’t immediately offered to them on a silver platter. I mean, have you seen all the chatter on the internet lately about how/whether to bother a woman who is wearing headphones? Some manbabies just cannot handle the idea that any woman, anywhere, is for any reason not available to them, and they flip their shit like the little brats they are.

When someone isn’t available to you, whether that’s because she’s sending incredibly fucking obvious signals that she wants to be left alone or because she insists on a kink that doesn’t work for you, isn’t the simplest and easiest response to shrug and move on? Guys, if a women isn’t compatible with you that doesn’t mean she’s wrong, it just means that you’re incompatible. The world will keep spinning, I promise. Would you all get so up in arms about a woman who wanted her submissive boyfriend to actually make himself useful, not just show up for play and then bugger off while she cleans all the toys and puts them away?

Wait, bad example, I’ve already seen that the answer is yes. Women who want anything in return are the worst, amirite?

Speaking of women being the worst, you actually don’t have the right to contact any dom you want. If someone says directly on their profile that they only want to hear from certain kinds of people (“no men” is the most common condition I’ve seen) you leave her the fuck alone if you don’t fit the criteria. She doesn’t belong to you, her time doesn’t belong to you, she did not agree to waste her time on every jackass out there just because she’s committed the crime of being a woman on the internet.

I just don’t get this massive indignance about women daring to tell men that they have to pay up if they want attention. If someone is totally incompatible with you, isn’t it better to learn that before you get attached? That’s why (well half of why) I’m so blunt about my hard limits on my profile – I think the kindest thing I can do for people potentially interested in me is to get all the potential dealbreakers out in the open so they don’t get any terrible surprises later on. Of course, the other half of why I’m so blunt is that I just don’t want to hear from people who want stuff I don’t have to give and like to feel justified in blocking them for not reading my profile 🙂

While I personally think asking for tribute for the purposes of weeding out fakes and time-wasters is poorly thought out, not going to work, and likely to scare off guys who are worried you’re a scammer, I can’t be bothered to freak out about it either. I mean, I’m willing to blog about why I think it’s a waste of time, but as long as you’re not actively harming people I can only get so excited.

And again, if someone is so bad at vetting potential partners (play or otherwise) that she’s resorted to asking for money upfront, isn’t that something you’d want to know upfront? Can we all just chill the fuck out about people doing the honorable thing and being upfront about not being compatible with you?