How do you meet people without going to a munch?

I recently read the most amazing trainwreck of a rant about how people who want to meet people in person at a munch are the absolute worst and are actively screwing over people who don’t want to go to munches, and it made me think, is there actually any advice out there about meeting other kinky people that doesn’t begin and end with “thou shalt go to a munch!”?

First of all, many people have very good reasons not to go to munches. I have some doubts that the author of that rant seriously can’t go to munches, but the thing is, they’re allowed to not want to. You are 100% allowed to to be physically/emotionally/financially able to go to a munch and still just not fucking want to.

That said, complaining about how hard it is to meet people when you’ve decided not to do something that’s really effective (turns out physically leaving your house and meeting people is a good way to, you know, meet people) is super fucking boring, so don’t do it. Actually, complaining about how you’ve been looking for ten whole minutes and still don’t have the perfect hot dominant girlfriend is boring in general, don’t do that even if you do go to in-person events.

On to the actual advice! I have a couple of posts about communicating with people on Fetlife in general, you should probably read those:

How to make friends on Fetlife for the hard of thinking

How to get responses on Fetlife

How to Fetlife

Those posts mostly cover how to not fuck it up once you’ve found someone you want to talk with, but they don’t go into much detail about how to find those people.

Something you’re going to need to figure out up front is whether you want to meet people in person or not. It’s totally okay to want an online only relationship, just be aware that a lot of kinky people aren’t interested in online-only and it may take longer to find someone. Then again, when physical location isn’t an issue you definitely have a larger pool of potential friends/play partners/partners. Online-only isn’t my thing, so I really have no idea how much of a hassle it is to find someone to be your online sub or dom.

If you want to meet someone in person, you’re (shockingly enough) going to want to focus on local groups. If there’s a personal ads group for your city, definitely join that. Even if you don’t want to post a personal ad right away or at all, you should keep an eye on that group in case somebody awesome posts an ad. Note: on Fetlife it’s really easy to mix up personals groups for cities or regions with the same name. We get poor confused Australians in the Victoria BC Personals group on the regular, so double check that you’re in the right group before posting or risk feeling very silly.

I also recommend joining local groups (see my post about how to Fetlife for exactly how to do that) to participate in or read discussions and see what’s going on in your community (if you’re potentially willing to go to an event that isn’t a munch, that is). My local groups don’t seem to have a ton of activity outside of reminders that an event is happening and post-event thank you threads, if yours are the same way that doesn’t mean you can’t try starting a discussion.

If you aren’t attached to meeting anyone in person or are actively looking for an online-only relationship, there are groups for that on Fetlife too. I also recommend joining interest based discussion groups, you can “meet” a lot of interesting people that way.

No matter what kind of relationship you’re looking for, if you’re looking online you need to have a good profile. If you’re a submissive man, Ferns happens to have written a whole book on the subject. Full disclosure: I haven’t read it myself but it’s Ferns, it’s obviously going to be good. There’s also a Profile Advice group on Fetlife if you’d like direct feedback on your profile, and there are undoubtedly tons of people offering profile advice on the internets. Google is your friend here.

You’re also going to want to be able to write coherently if you want to meet people online. Having something interesting to say is more important than having perfect spelling and grammar, but that’s not a free pass not to try. Sending someone a message full of misspellings and/or typos is like showing up to meet someone for coffee in raggedy old sweats with bedhead, it’s just not going to go well. You don’t have to be a great writer or anything, you just need to be able to express yourself. Participating in discussions is a great way to practice that, by the way 😉

Yet another reason to participate in discussions on Fetlife is that your latest activity shows up on your profile. If someone I don’t already know messages me, I practically always look at their profile just to see what’s there. If they’re a guy and their latest activity feed is nothing but “loves” on pictures of mostly-naked women or crass comments on those pictures about where they’d like to put their dicks, that makes me much more likely to decide they’re the kind of douchebag I want nothing to do with. It’s even worse if they haven’t filled in their profile either. Guys, if you have time to click “love” on fifty photos, you have time to fill in your fucking profile.

Something to be prepared for if you want to meet people in person is that it’s extremely common to want to meet at a munch both for safety and for convenience, so if you don’t want to go to the munch you’re likely to need to be able to explain that in a way that doesn’t make you sound like an abusive dirtbag who was kicked out of the local kink group for being an abusive dirtbag. Refusing to meet at a munch is often seen as a red flag, but you can mitigate it by suggesting an alternative public place to meet and explaining why munches aren’t for you. Be aware that some people will meet you at a munch or not at all. That’s their right, whining about it will only make you look like a douchebag who they were right not to stay in contact with.

Speaking of meeting up, do not ask people to meet you in private unless you want them to think you’re a serial killer. It’s totally fine to ask to meet in a park or public square or anywhere else you don’t have to directly interact with too many people if social anxiety is an issue for you, but nothing says “probably a serial killer!” like asking someone to come to a stranger’s house alone.

Readers, what did I miss? I bet there’s something 🙂


Yes, you are kinky enough

It makes me sad to see people online wondering if they’re a good enough dom/sub/top/bottom/etc because they don’t want to perv as hard as they can as often as they can. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with going hard, it’s just not the only choice.

Not all doms want to micromanage their subs.

Not all doms want everything done for them.

Not all doms want complete control of everything.

Not all doms want to play really hard (sensual domination, it’s a thing).

Not all doms want to play every chance they get.

Not all doms like giving orders for the sake of giving orders.

Not all doms like high-protocol d/s.

You are a perfectly good top/dom/master/etc if you just want a light-hearted scene now and then and for your bottom/sub/slave/etc to do nice things for you sometimes. You really and truly do not have to play really hard every weekend and have strict rules for your sub about eye contact and using the furniture and slave positions or whatever to be a “real” dom.

The exact same thing goes for subs too.

Not all subs want to be micromanaged.

Not all subs want to do huge amounts of service.

Not all subs want to give up control of absolutely everything.

Not all subs want to play every chance they get.

Not all subs want to be ordered around for the sake of being ordered around.

Not all subs like high-protocol d/s.

I think things are easier for low-key doms because at least we can tell people it’s not service unless the master wants it where low-key s-types are a lot more vulnerable to jerks telling them they aren’t real subs if they don’t ____. If you’re a low-key sub you have just as much right as a low-key dom not to do things that don’t work for you and to hold out for a compatible partner.

It is absolutely 100% okay for you as a sub to ask a potential dom how things would work in her ideal relationship and to tell her that isn’t going to work for you but you wish her luck finding her ideal sub. Telling someone up front that you aren’t compatible is not rude or entitled, it’s an act of service that could save her weeks if not months of feeling like there’s something wrong with her because she nothing she does makes you happy.

In general I see this idea in kinky circles that more intense is always better and it’s just not true. More intense is better for people who like more intensity, but not everyone actually wants that even if they think they’re supposed to. The myth that more intense is always better goes especially poorly with the myth that there are dozens of male subs for every dominant woman, together those myths put huge pressure on submissive guys to lie to themselves and to their partners about how much d/s they’re actually interested in.

You are kinky enough the way you are, readers. If somebody says or implies you aren’t kinky enough that’s their problem, not yours.

Repost: shoutout to everyone who has a tough tme with mother’s day

This post was originally posted last year, but when I wanted to do another one this year it turned out this one already said everything I wanted to say so I just reposted it.

Supposedly Mother’s Day is a wonderful happy day when loving families get together to celebrate the mothers in their families. It doesn’t pan out that way for all of us.

If your mother died and Mother’s Day is an agonizing reminder, I see you. If you are trying to become a mother but feel like a failure because your body isn’t cooperating, I see you. If god forbid your child died I see you. If you’re read as a woman but don’t identify as one and feel dysphoric or erased on Mother’s Day, I see you. If you’re a trans woman who wishes she could give birth one day, I see you. If you are a mother but don’t know where your child is or if they’re safe, I see you (and don’t judge you, it’s impossible to love a mental illness or addiction away). If you have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason, I see you.

Most of all, if your mother doesn’t love you, I see you. If ignorant jerks are appalled that you aren’t going to call or visit your mother, I see you. If you do visit and hate it, I see you. If self-centered assclowns won’t drop the fucking subject when you try to talk about something else, I see you. If you feel like an unlovable monster, I see you.

For me, the worst part of Mother’s Day is the assumption that all mothers love their children and that everyone is delighted to celebrate with their mothers. It’s technically not impossible that my mother loved me in the “I feel a feeling!” (that post is mostly about romantic love but the basic idea of “I feel a feeling!” love versus the real love of actions that make a person feel loved still applies) sense, but who really gives a shit when I spent my entire childhood wondering if this was the day she’d start hitting me too. That’s not love.

My life is better without that woman in it, but dates like her birthday and Mother’s Day still kinda suck for me. I’ve been estranged from her for a long time and I’m largely over it, but the Mother’s Day barrage makes me feel like everyone’s mother loves them except mine. The societal programming that says you have to do certain things on those days is also a real pain in the ass to root out even when you know that you can’t have contact with your mother and be happy.

Try to take care of yourself. You have this random internet asshole’s official permission to hide in your home all day and not interact with the outside world if that helps (either the permission or the hiding). It’s okay to have a rough time, it’s okay to excuse yourself, it’s okay to change the subject, and it is definitely okay to give people an extended icy glare and/or extremely blunt statement that you don’t want to talk about it if they decide to be prying assholes.

You are not alone. You are not weird. You are not broken (heads up, that link includes a story from someone whose mother loved her before she died young). You are not unlovable. Your mother not loving you is not about you and never has been, it’s about her.

Finally, here’s how to not be an asshole to people who have a hard time with Mother’s Day for any reason:

  • Stop fucking assuming everyone loves Mother’s Day.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone has a mother. Sometimes people die tragically young.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone’s mother loved them.
  • Don’t directly ask what someone did for Mother’s Day unless you know they have a good relationship with their mother/kids. Just ask how their weekend was, they’ll tell you about what they did for Mother’s Day if they damn well feel like it.
  • If you do ask someone what they did for Mother’s Day and they change the subject, for fuck’s sake let it stay changed. Don’t be a pushy asshole.
  • If you find out someone is estranged from their mother, do not ask why unless you are very, very close. There is no happy answer to that question, you prying fuck.

If you have a mother who loves you and are looking forward to Mother’s Day, that’s great and I’m genuinely happy for you. Just don’t be an asshole to people who aren’t as lucky are you are. If you aren’t one of the lucky ones, I hope this post gives you something to hang on to – that’s why I’m publishing it early.

Moderation note: I had to turn on moderation for all comments because my spam filter has been having issues lately so comments may be slow to appear. This should go without saying, but if you decide to be an asshole in the comments for this of all posts, you will be permanently banned. Do not tell me or anyone else that their mother loved them when she clearly fucking didn’t.

What I’m playing lately

Who doesn’t like talking about videogames? Lately I’ve been playing Rusty Lake’s Cube Escape series, which is a bunch of point and click room escape games you can play right in your browser, assuming you have flash enabled, or on iOS or Android if you’d rather play on your phone or tablet. They’re kind of weird and morbid, which is a big part of why I like them so much. I also feel like the people who made them must really love making those games because there’s just nothing in there that says they were designed by committee to appeal to the greatest number of 18-35 year old men possible. I hope the studio makes money because I’d love for them to keep making those games, but the games are just so niche that I worry about them. Then again the internet is full of weirdos so maybe they’re doing fine 🙂

Another point and click puzzle game I really like is Cat in Japan. This one is neither weird nor morbid, you just find sushi for the cat and it’s completely adorable. Bontegames has made a lot of puzzle games, but Cat in Japan and Christmas Cat are my favourites. Another adorable detail is that while most of the games are just made by Bart Bonte, some of them are collaborations with his kids.

On mobile, I have a terrible obsession with Tap Tap Fish (formerly known as Abyssrium). It’s an idle clicker with a virtual aquarium, which sounds boring but there’s just something so relaxing about watching my little fish swim around. If you really want to get every last fish, Sir Tap Tap (no relation, as far as I can tell 🙂 ) has an incredibly comprehensive guide.

If that’s too much action for you there’s also Viridi, a virtual plant pot where you grow succulents. I’m just going to quote their Play store description: “Viridi is a safe haven, a place you can return to for a moment of peace and quiet whenever, and wherever you need it.” If you play it I’ll warn you now to make sure you check on your plants every few days or they’ll get all withered and sad and you’ll feel like a total asshole for failing them. Er, not that I get way to attached to virtual plants or anything.