What if you want to go to a munch but you’re not ready?

Okay, so I’ve written a bunch about how you don’t have to go to a munch and how to meet people if you don’t want to go to one, but what do you do if you do want to go to a munch but you’re scared?

Well, you’ve got to break down what exactly is scaring you so you can fix it!

Are you worried about being outed? Most munches have a strict normal-street-clothes-only dress code and expect attendees not to go out of their way to draw attention to themselves (ie, thou shalt not stand up and tell a very loud story about your needle scene the other day) and don’t allow any sort of play, but not all munches are the same and it’s definitely worth messaging an organizer and asking how that particular munch works. While you’re at it, ask how to find the group 🙂 If they look like any other group of people at the pub, which they most likely will, how will you know which group is the one you’re looking for?

Are you freaked out by large groups of strangers and worried you’ll spend the whole time sitting in a corner wishing the ground would swallow you up? That is totally normal! Honestly I’m not sure who *does* enjoy meeting a big group of strangers by themselves. There are a couple of potential solutions here: 1) message the organizer and ask if they can introduce you to people/find you somebody to sit with. That’s totally normal, you will definitely not be the first person to ask for that. Hell, you might not be the only person at that particular munch who is new and needs somebody to sit with. 2) ask in a local group if anyone is going to the munch and is willing to bring a newbie with them. Again, totally not weird, everybody who has gone to a munch remembers being nervous about meeting that big group of strangers.

Are you worried you won’t immediately hit it off with a hot <d/s orientation of your choice> <gender of your choice>? Fucking chill, munches are for making friends. Assume that you won’t go home with plans to fuck anyone and you’ll be a lot happier. A more reasonable goal for going to a munch is talking to a couple of people you didn’t already know.

Are you worried some dumbinant will try to order you around? That’s extremely rude and also unusual and the organizers should definitely put a stop to that immediately. There should be a list of rules posted about how to behave at the munch, if you’re not sure about anything (like how to handle it if some douchebag tries to order you around), ask the organizers!

Are you worried you’ll accidentally commit some kind of terrible faux pas and be blacklisted from the community forever? Like I said for the previous issue, there should be a list of rules posted where it’s easy to find them, and even organizers of any sort are reliably happy to hear from people who want to make sure they don’t cause problems. In general, regular vanilla politeness (please, thank you, excuse me) is all you need. If it even occurs to you to worry that you might offend someone, you will almost certainly be fine. I say almost because people get some fucking weird ideas about the “right” way to address dominant women and then insist they just want to be polite, but in general if you’re thoughtful enough to realize it’s possible to offend people by accident, you’re going to be fine.

Are you worried you’ll be the only male sub/female dom/switch of any gender/trans person/non-binary person? Ask the organizers about that! Or ask in the local group! It’s not weird to worry that you won’t fit in if you’re not a male dom or female sub.

Are you worried that going to a munch means you’re a filthy pervert who will never have a normal life or that everyone else at the munch will be a total fucking weirdo? Okay, this is not super helpful but going to a munch is a great way to see how normal kinky people actually are. Talking about kink is fun and all but no small amount of the conversations at munches are about totally mundane stuff like what everyone has been up to since they last saw each other. What might be more helpful is talking with kinky people online. That one fetlife group I really like has pretty regular chat sessions, and just because it’s a kinky group doesn’t mean the chat is all about kink. People are just as likely to talk about their hobbies, how work is going, how <local sports team> is doing, interesting news, or about a thousand other things that have nothing to do with kink. Full disclosure: I haven’t actually showed up for one of those particular chat sessions yet but because kinky people are, you know, people, I can comfortably assume the chat is not all kink all the time.

Readers, did I miss anything?


One of my readers came up with a really interesting experiment: she left a comment on my post 100 Submissive Men For Every Dominant Woman about how most online dating profiles attract exactly the kind of “submissives” I rant about in that post and how she’s looking for, in her words “a wholly submissive man.” If you’re thinking of responding to her, you’re going to want to at least skim that post first, that’s why I’m not linking directly to her comment. It’s a recent one, just look toward the end of the comments 🙂

Shoutout to everyone who has a tough time with father’s day

I’ve started a tradition of supporting people who have a hard time with mother’s day, but I’ve neglected people who have a hard time with father’s day and I feel like a bit of a jerk for that. People who have a hard time with father’s day count too! Just because that day isn’t as much of a stuggle for me doesn’t mean you don’t matter!

In my post about mother’s day I hit most of the points I’m going to want to about father’s day, so if this seems strangely familiar that’s why.

If your father died and Father’s Day is an agonizing reminder, I see you. If you are trying to become a father but feel like a failure because your body isn’t cooperating, I see you. If god forbid your child died I see you. If you’re read as a read as a man but don’t identify as one and feel dysphoric or erased on Father’s Day, I see you. If you’re a trans man who wishes he could father a child one day, I see you. If you are a father but don’t know where your child is or if they’re safe, I see you (and don’t judge you, it’s impossible to love a mental illness or addiction away). If you have a hard time with Father’s Day for any reason, I see you.

Most of all, if your father doesn’t love you, I see you. If ignorant jerks are appalled that you aren’t going to call or visit your father, I see you. If you do visit and hate it, I see you. If self-centered assclowns won’t drop the fucking subject when you try to talk about something else, I see you. If you feel like an unlovable monster, I see you. If you were or are afraid of your father, I see you. If you were abandoned, I see you. If you don’t know who your father is, I see you. If all you have is a male biological parent, I see you.

To be clear there, I don’t believe in awarding the title of “father” to any asshole who provided some sperm. A father is a part of your life, he knows what you love, what you hate, what you do for a living, what pisses you off. I have both a biological male parent and a father, and my father is the one who has the slightest fucking idea when my birthday is. He fucked up in a multitude of ways and failed me profoundly and he is certainly my real father where the sperm guy is just the sperm guy.

For me, the worst part of Father’s Day is the assumption that everyone had a loving father who could be bothered to protect them. It sucks a lot to be inundated by all these ads and articles that assume everybody has a father who did his duty as a parent. I believe that mine loves me in the “I feel a feeling!” (that post is mostly about romantic love but the basic idea of “I feel a feeling!” love versus the real love of actions that make a person feel loved still applies) sense, but that’s cold comfort when he didn’t protect me from my asshole of a mother.

If your life is better without your father in it, that doesn’t mean dates like his birthday or Father’s day don’t still suck. That doesn’t mean you never feel guilty (even if it’s totally irrational) or wish you could reconcile no matter how many years you’ve been estranged. The societal programming that says you have to do certain things on those days is also a real pain in the ass to root out even when you know that you can’t have contact with your father and be happy.

Try to take care of yourself. You have this random internet asshole’s official permission to hide in your home all day and not interact with the outside world if that helps (either the permission or the hiding). It’s okay to have a rough time, it’s okay to excuse yourself, it’s okay to change the subject, and it is definitely okay to give people an extended icy glare and/or extremely blunt statement that you don’t want to talk about it if they decide to be prying assholes.

You are not alone. You are not weird. You are not broken. You are not unlovable. Your father not loving you is not about you and never has been, it’s about him (ps fuck forgiveness).

Finally, here’s how to not be an asshole to people who have a hard time with Father’s Day for any reason:

  • Stop fucking assuming everyone loves Father’s Day.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone has a father. Sometimes people die tragically young.
  • Stop fucking assuming that everyone’s father loved them.
  • Don’t directly ask what someone did for Father’s Day unless you know they have a good relationship with their father/kids. Just ask how their weekend was, they’ll tell you about what they did for Father’s Day if they damn well feel like it.
  • If you do ask someone what they did for Father’s Day and they change the subject, for fuck’s sake let it stay changed. Don’t be a pushy asshole.
  • If you find out someone is estranged from their father, do not ask why unless you are very, very close. There is no happy answer to that question, you prying fuck.

If you have a father who loves you and are looking forward to Father’s Day, that’s great and I’m genuinely happy for you. Just don’t be an asshole to people who aren’t as lucky are you are. If you aren’t one of the lucky ones, I hope this post gives you something to hang on to – that’s why I’m publishing it early.

Moderation note: This should go without saying, but if you decide to be an asshole in the comments for this of all posts, you will be permanently banned. Do not tell anyone that their father loved them when he clearly fucking didn’t.

You don’t have to play with other people!

So I was skimming Novices & Newbies and somebody asked about jealousy as a newbie to the scene. They seemed to be operating from the assumption that it was inevitable that they and their partner would play with other people and wanted to know how to deal with jealousy around that.

Here’s the thing: you do not have to play with other people. You really, truly don’t. You do not have to grit your teeth and tolerate your partner playing with other people either.

Now, to be clear, play does not necessarily involve sex – you can play without even touching anyone’s butt, and that’s a very common targer for impact play. That still doesn’t mean you have to be okay with your partner playing with other people. It is absolutely okay to want, look for, and insist on a partner who does not every play in any capacity with anyone but you

It is pretty common to play with people who aren’t your partner, I’m not going to lie. Even more so if you meet someone who enjoys going to play parties and to be honest you’ll meet a lot of people who enjoy play parties at munches. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean you have to. Hell, you don’t have to play in public at all, with your romantic partner or anyone else.

Sadly, if you’re submissive you’re not unlikely to run into the kind of douchebag who will tell you that you aren’t allowed to play with other people (or that you have to play with their friends) and that you’re a bad sub if you’re unhappy that they play and/or have sex with other people. People like that are douchebags and you should find a partner who isn’t a total douchebag. To be fair, unfairness is a dynamic that really does it for some people (see what I did there ;), but that in no ways means you are in no way obligated to put up with shit that doesn’t make you happy.

Someone being a dom doesn’t mean they get to dictate the terms of your relationship, you are always allowed to say “fuck this shit” and walk away. There is someone out there who is actually compatible with you, hold out for them. Yes, even if you’re a submissive man. Honestly dominant women are so fucking easy to impress – if you can fucking spell, you are basically golden. Dominant men aren’t exactly rare either, you can find one who will treat you like a human being even though you’re submissive. Having a say in how your relationship works is simply not that much to ask.

While I’m at it, jealousy is not fundamentally a bad thing. Emotions are just signals, they aren’t good or bad in and of themselves. They may mean you need to change something, they may mean you need to do some work on yourself, they may mean that your partner needs to admit they want to date somebody else and stop jerking you around, but it’s not fundamentally bad to feel a feeling.

If you even want to play with other people and have your partner do the same but you feel jealous, then you may have some work ahead of you. But don’t forget you never ever have to play with other people or have a partner who plays with other people if you don’t fucking want to.

Why the lack of interest in online play?

It seems pretty common for dominant women not to have any interest in online play. Obviously I can’t speak for all women (and oh how I hate it when men ask questions as if women are a hive mind and one of us can speak for all of us), but here’s my take on it.

First of all, by online play I’m talking about playing on cam where one person gives instructions and the other one carries them out and sexy chat, where the people playing describe what they would do to each other and how they would react.

For me play is about personal connection, so my biggest stumbling block with online play is that it always seems to be strangers asking for it. Dude, if you want someone to watch you jerk off on cam, you should talk to a sex worker. I’d rather play video games or frankly do literally anything other than watch some random jerk off and pretend to care. If I’m looking for porn Archive of Our Own has me covered, thanks. Quick disclaimer here: I’m not saying all fanfiction is porn, I’m saying that there is some delightfully filthy fanfic out there and it’s way more fun than watching somebody do stuff he wanted to do anyway but expects you to pretend you ordered him to.

But even if I did have a personal connection with someone who wanted to play online, there’s still the problem that play is fundamentally physical for me. There’s something incredibly satisfying about giving someone a good flogging and I just can’t get that feeling by telling someone to hit themselves. I also really love hitting someone when or where they’re not expecting it and watching them yelp and squirm. It’s pretty hard to surprise people when you’re telling them what to do, and unless the person I’m playing with has a really good microphone I’m going to miss out on a lot of the little pain noises I love so much. While I’m complaining about tech, the video quality of most webcams/internet connections is not all that either. If I’m going to watch someone do things to themselves I wanna see, dammit.

There is an argument to be made that playing on cam is personalized porn, and that’s maybe not a terrible argument but it just doesn’t work for me. If we don’t have some sort of relationship already, then I don’t care to watch you on cam unless you’re smoking hot and have a really good camera setup so I can actually see what’s going on. Note that I wouldn’t expect some random stranger who I have no relationship with to want to watch me on cam either.

I also think I’m just too much of a control freak to really get into online play. If I’m going to play with someone, I want to hit them where I mean to, when I mean to, as hard as I mean to. With someone I trusted to follow orders that could maybe work, but not with some random stranger. It’s just not fun for me to hope the person I’m playing with will do what I told them to do and not, say, tap themselves with a cane and then move on to their favourite kink or nag me relentlessly until I “order” them to do the thing they really wanted to do (or more likely end the video call and block them).

TL;DR I feel both bored and used when people expect me to pretend I’m dominating them while they do what they wanted to do anyway. I imagine plenty of other women feel the same.