Possibly bullshit

So you know that stereotype of the high-powered manager who sees a dominatrix on the weekend because he needs a break from being in charge all the time?

Well I’m not an actual manager but I’ve been doing some facilitation and oh dear god I would fucking love to be able to beat people until they do what I fucking tell them. That sounds so relaxing, I can’t even tell you.

To be fair, I work with other programmers and we all know nobody can tell us shit (seriously programmers are fucking terrible at taking direction) but still, we can’t be that special, can we?

Readers, what’s your experience? Do you (or your partner!) really need a break from being in charge, or is actually being in charge a break in and of itself?

11 thoughts on “Possibly bullshit

  1. Topping is too much like managing for my liking. You have to give a shit about what the sub is feeling, what they want, they can quit if they want, all that dreck. It’s as bad as having minions at work. “wah wah wah you didn’t make me feel special”.

    SCA heavy fighting is much better. Strap on armour, keep hitting the other person until you’re so battered you can’t take it any more. I mean until *they* can’t take it any more.

  2. I think a lot of it depends on what kind of “in charge” we’re talking about, what the tools of authority are, what the responsibility to others is while in charge, etc. I think it also has a lot to do with your personality in general. I don’t have formal leadership duties at work, but I’m basically a one-man department, so I have to be in a leadership capacity all the time, but it also comes with a lot of personal responsibility and limited tools to enforce what authority I have. In terms of personality, I’m a giver (and probably an over-giver); I can’t feel good thinking about myself unless I see that everyone around me has been taken care of first.

    Kink-wise, I’m a switch, and so it’s no shock that, when I fantasize about having a break, I have fantasies about both being in charge and not. But what’s interesting is that both forms of fantasy end up being a release from the serious burden of responsibility to others I put on myself. My more D-type fantasies and desires always feature a very obviously eager (and often well-trained) partner who gets all sorts of attention along the way; my more s-type fantasies and desires generally involve having a clear job to do, doing it well, and being nurtured and rewarded in the process. So, I think it’s pretty clear that my needs when I have a break are basically about getting to have some time where I can be in the moment and experience things for myself without having to worry about other people’s interests for a while.

    I guess back to your original remarks…I’ve never personally known a high-powered dude who was drawn to submission as a way to get a release from a life of being in charge. I’ve met many a high-powered dude who was drown to erotic dominance, though. That always made sense to me…they got to where they were in part because of their masculine posturing, and so they also seek out an erotic life and identity that confirms their sense of self. I guess I’ve always found the “boardroom by day, subbie pig by night” trope to be one of those things that “sounds right” because it’s got that classic literary inversion and irony to it. Still, in 20 years of being kinky, I’ve never met anyone (really, of any gender) that fit that bill. It could come down to just not meeting the right people, though.

  3. Well i have to admit, that i am too in some sort of leading position (teacher on highschool) and it seems that the more stress i have (sometimes) the need to be dominated by my wonderful wife grows.

  4. It depends on the situation. Sometimes i am in need of being in charge, i got quite some responsibility as a highschool teacher, and if i am in need of such a break my wonderful wife luckily is willing to dominate me sexually.
    It’s a good time-out that happens occasionally. but since we switch it’s not a 100% of the time thing.

  5. I think it’s indeed a stereotype. It’s often brought up in the non-insider narrative (e.g. generic lifestyle magazines writing about BDSM as a novelty/curiosity, using a lot of 50Sh. references) probably originates in people having the need to humiliate those in power. To think like “Yeah, the boss is so bossy, but I’m sure it’s not what he’s like in private”.

    For example, take this story: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/woman-sacked-by-dutch-central-bank-over-second-job-as-nazi-dominatrix-prostitute-10179177.html – apparently, that unfortunate woman worked in a senior position (from the feature in The Economist, I remember some details about her being an auditor).

    To me it’s clear that if you are a self-aware kinky person, you are senstitive to the small nuances of feeling the need to dominate or submit. You can identify those who have power issues (and, in managerial roles, are usually exceptional jerks) and, in your head, could maybe think of more social-friendly ways of soothing their needs. Like in the Depeche Mode’s song: “Domination is the name of the game // In bed and in life, they’re all just the same // Except in one you’re fulfilled at the end of the day”.

    • “It’s often brought up in the non-insider narrative… probably originates in people having the need to humiliate those in power. ”

      It could also be outsider defensiveness. The very idea of FemDom is threatening to traditional heteronormitivity. The idea of voluntary, even essential male submission is, too, and also distasteful the concepts the counter-culture has of patriarchy.

      If a woman can be dominant, it undermines the traditional roles – if a man can embrace and value his own submission, it undermines the egalitarian alternative, as well.

      Thus stereotypes like the high-powered exec who indulges a fetish for playing at submitting to women who are really catering to him, among others, and, more generally the “fucked up state of FemDom” Bitchy Jones decried.

      They’re ways in which our orientations are actively erased.

      … hope I didn’t sound too MRA/SJW, there…

  6. I’m a switch, and I find that certain types of stress (specifically, uncertainty) make me lean subby, but feeling powerful makes me more dommy. I think that in our domestic relationships we often want to fulfill needs that end up being unmet in our careers, but what they are or how they’re met can be different from person to person – I embrace uncertainty and go “fine, but let someone I trust decide”. Others can say “If nothing in my life is certain, in this bubble I want to call all the shots”.
    so my bottom line is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  7. I don’t submit, largely because of prior trauma and I’d kind of like to get healthy enough to try submitting sometime. The times I did submit in the past ended up being really unhealthy (not in the sense of being abusive, but salt-in-old-wounds type thing).

    But sometimes getting tied up, hit, and fucked senseless really help when I’m stressed out. I think it would help whether I was in control or someone else was in control, it’s just getting to a point where I am feeling strongly enough to shut down the merry-go-round in my head that’s the real help.

  8. Interesting blogpost!

    Sometimes I really want to have a break in charge. Not that I’m a manager, but I have responsibility’s in my work. I love it when my Mistress says: The only want to do is to follow me.

    I think it’s indeed a stereotype when you say it’s only for managers of people with charge in work. Bdsm is for everyone, poor, riche and people who have and haven’t the lead in work.

    enrico, slave of Mistress Kate – Netherlands

  9. Just found this. Our experience is like yours: Xena is quite high powered in her day job, *so* enjoys having actual unquestioned authority at home. She has zero interest in topping for effect, but is enthusiastic about chastity and discipline to get things she wants.

    Me? I’ve never held a management position. I am not a doormat or a loser, but don’t enjoy responsibility. Long, long ago, I used to switch and was a pretty good service top. However, I am happiest as a submissive.

  10. I wish I’d seen this earlier!
    In our case, Xena is a senior manager, but – let’s be realistic – senior managers aren’t really in charge in charge. They have to herd flaky staff, negotiate with peers, advocate on committees and so on.
    So she finds it a real relief to be in charge in charge at home.

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