Dating profile tips for dominant women

Another one from the search terms, thank you random person for giving me an interesting post topic to run with 🙂

Most of my profile advice is aimed at men because frankly they can be pretty fucking terrible about thinking with their dicks instead of even vaguely considering what a dominant woman might want to know about them. But you know, I actually do have some tips for dominant women so why not even things up a little?

First of all, spend a little time thinking about what you want out of having a profile in the first place. If men tend to think only about their dicks when they fill in their profiles, I think women tend to think way too much about how they’re “supposed” to present themselves on a kink site like Fetlife. You really and truly don’t have to put anything on your profile that you don’t fucking want to. You do not have to make yourself out to be the domliest dom who ever dommed to get anyone to show an interest in you. You also don’t have to tone yourself down if you do want intensity. There are definitely plenty of wrong ways to write a profile, but clearly expressing who you are is not one of them.

If you’re strictly on Fetlife (or whatever other site) to participate in discussions, there’s no reason you need to fill in your profile besides enjoying expressing yourself that way. On the other hand, if you want to enjoy some fantasy chat with people or meet anyone in person for play or for a more involved relationship, you’re going to want something on your profile that tells people why they should message you.

A lot of people seem to think that having a profile on a kink site means you have to make your avatar obviously kinky and/or sexually explicit. You really, really do not, and if you’re looking for a long term partner, you will probably have better luck if you choose a picture that says something about who you are beyond “Hi! I’ve got tits!”

You do not have to prove you’re “kinky enough” by getting out every last piece of your fetish wear (for that matter, you absolutely do not have to own a single piece of fetish wear) for your profile pictures. If you live in t-shirts and jeans like me, it is completely fine to have a picture of yourself in a t-shirt and jeans on your profile. Of course, if you want a relationship where you and your partner get dressed up in beautiful formalwear to go to dinner and the opera, maybe don’t have a t-shirt and jeans pic as your avatar 🙂

As for the non-picture parts of your profile, do not try to sound like a fantasy unless you want people to treat you like a fantasy. You would think that would be obvious but I’ve seen more than one thread by a woman who didn’t understand why she got so many timewasters in her inbox when there was an obvious connection between the image she presented in her profile and the kind of person who was interested in the image she was presenting. The more your profile sounds like the set up for an erotic novel, the more one-handed typists you’re going to hear from and the fewer awesome submissive men who just want a dominant girlfriend and some kinky play now and then you’ll hear from. Sadly, submissive men get targeted by scammers a lot, so if you want to hear from submissive men who aren’t idiots you need to avoid looking and sounding scammy.

If you make money selling erotic stories, phone sex, or actual in-person sessions, by all means sound like a fantasy 🙂 If you’re looking for a partner, on the other hand, you’ll get farther with a simple description of what kind of relationship you want, what you have to offer, and what you’re looking for in a partner. I’ve had pretty good luck with very blunt and down to earth profiles that say next to nothing about my kinks. I try to be upfront about the fact that I’m a sadist and that I’m not super interested in painless play, but beyond that I’m pretty flexible and more importantly, totally uninterested in hearing about what makes strange men’s dicks happy.

You’re going to hear from a certain number of idiots who are typing one-handed no matter what you do, I personally think trying to convince them not to message me is a waste of time. Just block them, make fun of them in Return to Sender, and move on with your day. To be fair, I have heard from other people that the angry notes in large red letters saying stuff like “Do not message me if you are a man, I am not interested in men” do reduce the number of messages from idiots, I just don’t like devoting that much space on my profile to barely literate assclowns.

In general, I think a profile should be a simple explanation of who you are as a person. If you’re interested in some kinky play now and then, just say that. If you’re looking for a serious long term romantic relationship, just say that. If you’re interested in an online-only relationship, just say that.

Not all of your profile has to be for other people. I added a list of my hard limits to my profile a while ago, not because I expect any of the idiots out there to actually read it and not message me, but because I like feeling justified when I block people for bothering me even though we’re obviously completely incompatible. Hey, I gave those sad bastards a fair warning 🙂

Of course, all of that advice assumes you’re writing a profile on a kink site like Fetlife and can be completely upfront about what you’re looking for. If you’re writing a dating profile on a site like OkCupid and want to be a little more subtle, I would use phrases like “looking for a man who can follow my lead,” “looking for someone who doesn’t think he has to be in charge all the time just because he’s the guy,” or “control freaks need not apply” to describe what you’re looking for and phrases like “I have a strong personality,” “I like to get my way,” or maybe “I’ve been told I’m bossy before.” Take that last bit with a larger than usual grain of salt, though. I’ve never written a “vanilla” personal ad trying to attract subs and don’t actually know what would work.

Readers, do you have any profile advice specifically for dominant women?

10 thoughts on “Dating profile tips for dominant women

  1. Ooh, advice *cracks knuckles*

    Coming from the point of view of a sub dude looking to meet a bossy woman of some description, the things that hack me off most:

    Where the hell are you? I don’t need your address, but like give me a hint that we’re in the same city OR that you’re actually looking for an online only thing.

    Findom. I’m not looking for an argument about the kink but I am sick of the findom schtick pervading anything and everything to do with femdom. If I see talk of tributes, a wishlist, “slaves treating me”, I’m noping the fuck out of there. Yes, you’d like free stuff. We all would. I’m not your sodding piggybank. Submissive men are not a resource to be exploited. To be clear this is not the same thing as pro-dommes (or findoms) advertising on a personal basis. But looking for clients and looking for dates are two different things.

    Dealbreakers. List ’em. If I’m too short for you I don’t give a shit, but I do care about changing my plans and travelling across town so you can dismiss me with the first sentence you say and then we can have an awkward coffee we both know will never be repeated. I realise you don’t always know ahead of time but some things should be obvious and easy to list.

    Deceptive photography. There’s a fine line between making the best of what you’ve got, and blatantly photoshopping, but frankly I’ve gone on dates that I would not have said yes to with more realistic pics (and I realise this isn’t a disease specific to any one group).

    Representation. Make your profile vaguely similar to *who you actually are*. I have gone on dates where I’ve sat there and genuinely wondered if I’m meeting the same person who wrote the profile.

    As far as fishing in vanilla waters goes, I agree, a simple “I like to take charge in the bedroom” is enough to get my interest. I’m actively looking for that sort of hint.

    Consistency. If your ad says “I am very smart”, I will notice your spelling and judge you for it (on this topic the word sapiosexual irritates me as much as people on Tinder who like “travelling”. Well, duh).

    As a sub, I probably send a reply to about one in a jillion ads that I actually see. Mostly because unsuitable/dealbreakers but often simply because they say something stupid and there are a million things that appeal to me more than replying to ads on the internet.

    • Those are some great points, thanks! I didn’t even think to mention that recent and accurate photos are a good idea if you’re going to have photos up at all.

      Consistency. If your ad says “I am very smart”, I will notice your spelling and judge you for it

      Ha! Me too. My favourite example of this is a profile where the person said stupidity was a turnoff and also had that idiotic “I’ll sic my imaginary lawyer on you if you use my profile or photos in your imaginary study!” warning on their profile.

      • > that idiotic “I’ll sic my imaginary lawyer on you if you use my profile or photos in your imaginary study!” warning on their profile.

        Heh. I have a parody version of it on my profile, which only a couple of people have ever picked up on. I like to put a few Easter eggs in for people to discover if they’re in the know – unsignalled quotes or the like.

    • @crunchysub: I enjoyed reading your point of view on all this, especially the seemingly-obvious thing about mentioning one’s location. I did miss one of your references: what is the annoyance with people on Tinder who like “travelling”? Is travel-in-quotes code for something I’m (probably blissfully) unaware of?

  2. It’s interesting how some people try to insist on things being more porny. A few years ago I wrote a personal ad describing my personality, some personality traits I like in men I date, and some of the basic bedroom activities I hope a prospective partner will love (like being bound and controlled and hurt). I was clear that I was looking for a relationship. I intentionally made it open-ended because I have broad tastes. My goal was to meet some men with kinks overlapping with mine and see if we hit it off.

    I posted the ad in a kinky space and in a vanilla space where kink was not against the terms of service. This ad got thoughtful rather than pornified responses. I ended up meeting someone I like very much; the dating thing didn’t work out but we are still friends years later. I considered this an excellent outcome for an initial effort to write and post of less than an hour.

    There was one response, though, from a man who said he had been a submissive for over ten years and he was willing to talk things through with me and help me figure out the right spaces to go for what I was looking for. Note that I wasn’t a kinky beginner and had said nothing in my ad indicating I was a kinky beginner or that I was looking for advice. I replied politely once, after which he wrote again talking more about how he could guide me (um, presumptuous much?) but it would require some “openness and willingness” on my part. I responded that I wasn’t looking for advice or direction and he got upset. So not only did I get some valuable responses from this post, I also learned a valuable lesson: no matter how pleased I am with responses to my non-porny kink ad, it’s likely that some fool will jump up to tell me I’m Doing It Wrong. 🙂

  3. Well stated. I have to admit I have seen a lot of “dominant” women ads that were merely looking for a pot of money. The problem often is the perception or fantasy of men of what a dominant woman is compared to what a truly dominant woman really is. The challenge is indeed in a profile for a woman to state her position in such a way as to get rid of those who want to top from the bottom. I must admit the most successful ad (at least for me) was by a woman who stated in her profile, that as her submissive you must realize you will never ever ever be inside of her. This clearly made the point that as a submissive you were to reply if you were soley interested in her pleasure. The person turned out to be a quite nice as a person and as someone to chat with who did indicate the replies she did get seemed to be fewer than for others but those replies were from submissives who got off on giving her pleasure rather than having her perform his fantasy

    • > I must admit the most successful ad (at least for me) was by a woman who stated in her profile, that as her submissive you must realize you will never ever ever be inside of her. This clearly made the point that as a submissive you were to reply if you were soley interested in her pleasure.

      I don’t think that works as general advice, unless you are really aiming for that sort of dynamic – and I think most women aren’t. I take people’s profiles as an expression of their intent and if you state PIV will never happen just as a filtering device you are potentially excluding all the thoughtful interesting guys who enjoy PIV (surprise! most dudes do) as intimate moment of shared pleasure with their partners. By making PIV a hard deadline you are even at risk of attracting those that are exceedingly enthusiastic about chastity – and that’s another away for a man to think only of its own penis.

  4. Thanks for writing this. I think we talk a lot about how bad sub men’s profiles are (and they are) but not much about dom women’s profiles. I think newly arrived ladies share some of the same issues as the new guys like struggling to effectively communicate what they seek, having a somewhat distorted image of BDSM influenced by porn and representations of femdom in the media, etc.

    There are 3 kinds of profiles I see sometimes and personally think might be damaging IF you are looking for awesome sub guys (like me!) for some sort of romantic partnership:

    – Non-pro-doms with pro-dom looking profiles: Opening up with a 5 line paragraph detailing how badass of a dom you are is not very attractive. There is this perverse idea that kink dating is a skill-based economy and you won’t standout as a d-type unless you state your mad rope skillz or you ability to tease a man for 10h. Presenting yourself like that makes you less attractive for someone looking for a person and more attractive for those looking for a fetish dispenser.

    – The ‘I’m not like other girls’ profile: Everyone is unique, sure… and I value people being comfortable with who they are. However, a profile dedicated to state how being a dom makes you a super mysterious/alternative person that scares the all the muggles away makes you look like someone I can’t hope to take out to dinner. Not very attractive for a long term commitment. Likewise.. that makes you sound all about the kink.. and when it comes to weirdness I’m more interested to know what kind of strange books you read and what alternative music you enjoy.

    – The ‘HR application process’: Your profile includes a detailed process to ‘apply’ to being your submissive. You might think that is a good way to keep all the fakes away but… well.. some guys still enjoy giving a shot at knowing a person the old fashion way and trying to grow a relationship from that. You know, being a sub doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sappy romance.

    The problem with these kinds of profiles is they tend to focus on building alluring (but not very clear) narratives about people’s kink selves at the expense of communicating who they are overall and what kind of person they seek. I like to see some interest in vanilla things.. do you read a lot? do you listen to music all the time? do you practice yoga? I don’t need or want to know everything about your life from your profile but some idea about what makes you tick makes it easier to know if we even have something to talk about.

  5. i appreciate your sentiments and advice, but speaking as a 47 year old submissive guy, i am giving up on finding a dominant woman. Either they don’t really exist, or I am too short or thin or ugly to ever get their attention. either way, it doesnt really matter any more. When I was in my 20s I had hope, but after 20+ years, one drip at a time, my hope is gone. Best of luck to the younger generation, looks like i missed out by about 10 years or so. c’est la vie.

  6. On OKCupid, there are some questions that you can answer that subtley indicate the kind of relationship that you would like to have. As long as you don’t answer too many other questions that can drown this signal, it can be a good strategy.

    I found that there wasn’t really a dating site out there that I would want to use. Collarspace/Collarme is awful. So I created a new site (attached to my name). Any suggestions you have are very welcome.

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