Vetting potential subs, part 2

The thrilling conclusion of last week’s post about vetting potential subs! If you missed it, you should read that one first or this one probably won’t make much sense.

Last time I was talking about how just the first line of a Fetlife message can tell you a ton about whether the guy who messaged you is remotely worth your time. Even if he makes it over that first hurdle, there’s still the rest of the message to judge. For me, it absolutely has to say something about why that guy chose to message me of all people. If it doesn’t, delete or block. If somebody messages me but can’t be bothered to tell me a single thing about why he messaged me in particular, I assume the only reason he’s bothering me is that I have tits and live in the right country. No dude fuck off.

Another thing that gets a block or delete is when somebody brings up his kink in any detail at all in the first message. Somebody who jumps right to what you can do to make his penis happy is absolutely not worth your time. If you wouldn’t date a guy who contacted you on a vanilla dating site and asked in his first message if you give blowjobs, then why would you ever speak to a guy who contacted you on a kink site and asked the equivalent of that question in his first message? Seriously, you can have the exact same standards in the kinky world as you do in the vanilla world.

Aside from looking at someone’s avatar (which you kind of can’t avoid), I also look at people’s profiles. Often out of morbid curiosity, I’m going to be honest 🙂 If I get a terrible message, I usually can’t resist seeing just how terrible his profile is, and if I get a good message, I still want to know if his profile backs it up.

If someone sends me a nice message but their profile is just a long list of their kinks or a detailed fantasy they expect some woman to act out for them? Nope. Or if their profile pictures are a shrine to their dick? Nope. Or if their activity feed is an unbroken stream of thirsty comments on women’s pictures? Nope. To keep beating a dead horse, you get all the time you need to fill in your profile and make sure it isn’t terrible. Anyone who can’t be bothered to do that also has a zero percent chance of ever bothering to learn what you like, block/delete and move on.

Another problem is when people get too intense too fast. If you’re new it can be really flattering to hear that somebody (supposedly) wants to be your collared slave forever, but it’s really a sure sign he doesn’t give a shit about what you want or even about getting to know you, all he cares about is finding a pair of tits to fill the role of “Generic Dominatrix #1” in his fantasy. Block or delete and move on.

And of course form letters are an instant block. On top of it being a sure sign of someone who won’t put in more than the bare minimum of effort, it’s just insulting that these dirtbags seem to think a form letter will a) work, and b) that I’m dumb enough not to realize it’s a form letter. Protip: don’t tell someone she has a great smile when there are no pictures of her on her profile.

The first level of vetting is “does this guy understand that I’m a human being with wants and needs and likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with his preferences?” If you just throw out all first messages that don’t clear that bar, you’re going to save yourself a lot of time and hassle.

If dude clears the “understands I’m a person” bar, there’s another one: does he sound like a person I would ever want to spend time with? Do we have anything in common? Does he want what I want? This level is less about figuring out whether the guy who messaged you is a complete waste of space and more about figuring out if a perfectly nice person is actually compatible with you.

If you’re just looking for a play partner, somebody who wants a serious relationship that leads to collaring and marriage is just not going to work. Even if you both just want a play partner, you’ve still got to figure out things like how often you want to play, what you actually want to do together, how you want to handle it if one of you finds a serious relationship, etc, etc. And of course if you are looking for a submissive boyfriend, you’ve got to figure out if you have anything in common besides kink, if you even, you know, like each other, whether your lifestyles are at all compatible,   exactly what kind of d/s you’re both interested in (just in the bedroom? total control of his life? something in between?), and so on.

A guy can be perfectly lovely and objectively a wonderful human being and oh god so utterly wrong for me. He can also be nice and mostly compatible but just a lot of work, or compatible except for that one thing that’s a complete dealbreaker.

Okay, suppose somebody messages you and the first message greets you correctly and treats you like a human being and you can imagine chatting with him for half an hour without faking your own death to get away. There’s still more judging to do!

Does he contact you at a frequency that works for you? If you’re always the first one to reach out, maybe this guy isn’t for you. Same if you’re absolutely never the first one to reach out because he messages you incessantly. That may seem minor but honestly, you’ll both be happier with someone who isn’t constantly annoyed that you don’t message them enough or message them too much.

Another very important way to vet people is to set a boundary and see what happens. This is great for when you know you should give up on someone and need to convince yourself they’re beyond your help. Note that I do not condone jerking people around, that’s not cool. Don’t make shit up, just, you know, exist as a human being with preferences and see how he reacts to that. If you do something as simple as saying you couldn’t get into a tv show he absolutely loves and he hounds you about how you have to give it another chance, it’s time to hit the eject button. When the best case scenario is constant subtle disrespect, just say no.

Vetting doesn’t have to be complicated, it’s just paying attention to what people say to you and deciding whether you want them in your life. If you can decide whether or not you want to see a given movie based on trailers and reviews, you can decide whether or not you want to keep messaging a given guy based on how he treats you and how he presents himself.

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