Scammers are all over the internet, but some of the most loathsome are the ones who prey on lonely submissive men. As if being a submissive man wasn’t hard enough anyway between non-kinky people thinking you’re a freak and kinky people thinking you’re a dime a dozen, you also get to deal with assholes using your insecurities to extract money from you.

The worst part, to my mind, is how hard it is to recognize that kind of assholery for what it is when you’re emotionally involved. It’s sadly common to see discussions started by submissive men wondering if they did something wrong when all they did was prove to a scammer that they weren’t an easy mark.

Aside from trying to remind submissive men that they are valuable and deserve better than some jerkwad taking them for a ride, I thought I’d try to give some tips on avoiding scammers.

First of all, a woman who asks you for money before you’ve even met is most certainly a scammer. A sex worker would be up front about her rates and what she’s willing to do for you (well, as much as she can be without risking arrest, of course), and a woman genuinely looking for a relationship would not ask you for money. I have heard about women who supposedly ask for tribute before a first meeting to weed out flakes, but even if that’s not total bullshit, it’s not behaviour that should be tolerated either. It’s not your fault she’s bad at weeding out people who are likely to flake on her, why should you have to pay for that?

Also, you may have heard that dominant women are often control freaks. People do vary and I’m sure there are exceptions, but in general that’s pretty accurate. What that means in terms of asking for money is that I personally would rather live on rice and not turn the heat on in my house than let anyone, particularly anyone I wanted to date, know that I didn’t have my finances under control. I’m not saying that’s healthy or wise, just that it’s extremely common for dominant people of any gender to hate looking like they’re not in control of their lives.

Speaking of things that are common for dominant people, we either own our own toys or know how to have fun without them. Anyone who asks you for money so they can buy toys for your meeting is lying. That is just complete and utter bullshit. A lot of the toys we use take practice – the first time I threw a flogger, I certainly wasn’t any good at it – which means that responsible tops own toys so they can practice with them. If someone doesn’t have their own toy that they’ve practiced with, for gods sake don’t let them hit you with anything besides their own two hands.

Even if your prospective dom says they have to get on a plane to come meet you and don’t want to bring their own toys because they’re worried about the TSA stealing their stuff, the whole “I need money for toys” thing is still bullshit. If someone tries that on you, ask them if they’ve ever heard of “pervertibles.” Seriously, $10 in a dollar store and you’re set. Not to mention you can have plenty of fun with a belt, a sleep mask, and the belt from a robe and hey, the TSA isn’t going to look twice at any of that. And of course, there’s always the option of hands, teeth, and nails and the instruction to hold still or the scene stops.

You know what else is bullshit? Scammers asking you to “prove that you’re serious” by sending them money. That is simply not what someone who is actually interested in a relationship would ever do. Not only because all that would prove is that you have some disposable income, but because it sets up the expectation that their attention can be bought. Have you seen how much time dominant women spend bitching about guys who try to treat us like pro-doms? No dominant woman with any sense whatsoever wants the guy she’s dating to be confused about whether they’re in a relationship or whether he’s just paying a pro. A pro wouldn’t want that either, she has shit to do besides explain to a client that she is not his girlfriend and will not be meeting him for dinner unless he would like to pay for her time.

If you’re talking with someone who is deliberately muddying the waters between starting a lifestyle relationship and paying a pro, they’re either a scammer or an idiot. When all of the possibilities suck that much, just run.

But I digress. Back on the subject of proving you’re serious about pursing a relationship, what would prove to me that someone really did want to be my submissive would be things like texting when he says he will, emailing when he says he will, doing small things to help me out like researching local events and recommending things I might like, and otherwise acting like he, you know, cares about my happiness.

And finally, anyone who tells you not to question them when they ask you for money or says that you must not be serious about wanting to find a dom of your own when you balk at sending them money is a scammer. No one worth submitting to would ever, ever tell you it’s not okay to ask for clarification or voice your discomfort with an order. That is a gigantic red flag and you should run far far away from anyone who starts waving it.

The more I think about it, the more similarities I see between scammers and terrible doms you should run away from. My final advice is to worry less about whether you’re getting scammed and more about whether you would want anything to do with this person even if they never asked you for money.

5 thoughts on “Scammers

  1. I wrote some stuff about scammers, including some examples of a couple of common approaches.

    Some scammers are really smart and completely believable, and they rely on the sub being naive and trusting and hopeful beyond hope, which is heartbreaking. I much prefer the ham-fisted ones who just go ‘you my salve now, join this site for moneys’.


    • Go read Ferns’ posts everyone, they’re really good!

      And yes, I hate the ham-fisted ones a lot less. I get that sometimes all of your choices suck and you have to do things you don’t like if you want to eat, but leading someone to think they’re getting into a real relationship only to turn around and stab them in every insecurity they have is just unbelievably cruel.

  2. I very much agree. If someone isn’t willing to take the time to filter people by actually interacting with them, that’s not someone I want filling an important spot in my life. That’s one big difference between the flesh-and-blood BDSM community and the internet- People like that don’t last long in local communities.

    I also find it laughable that the “verification” is so one-sided. So I have to prove that I’m “real”, yet she doesn’t? How do I know she’s not just after money and that she’s trustworthy? Where’s the verification there? Should I just blindly trust a random internet stranger? (If so, I’m going to celebrate because a Nigerian prince who I’ve never met left me millions of dollars in a bank account.)

    People like that also drive away quality subs. What about the sub who is a college student, or dealing with taking care of his parents or an ill loved one, or just bought a house, etc.? He may be a fantastic sub, but will get passed by because apparently throwing money at some stranger is the *real* mark of a good sub.

    • I also find it laughable that the “verification” is so one-sided.

      That’s an excellent point. Verification should absolutely go both ways and anyone who is actually interested in a relationship will be happy to prove that they are the gender/age/life situation that they say they are. It’s only fair for me to prove I’m trustworthy if I’m going to ask someone to trust me.

  3. Taking advantage of lonely desperate men is pretty common. However, as you point out regularly, the bar just isn’t that high. What exactly are these men looking for? Do they want a relationship, or a fantasy? I’m not suggesting that they deserve to get scammed, but I think a lot of them also have unreasonable expectations in the first place and that has led them to these people (I won’t assume they are all women).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.