I’ve been planning this post for a while, and recently I ran into yet another post by some guy with a small dick who is utterly obsessed with it. Not even the same post that original inspired this blog post, a completely separate sad bastard who is completely obsessed with his dick inspired me to finally finish off this post and publish it.

Men, I come to you with a message of hope. This message is: no woman will ever ever ever care about your dick as much as you do.

No really, we don’t fucking care about your dick.

We. Do. Not. Care.

Fiiiine, there is such a thing as a size queen. Who gives a shit about that?  Toys exist. Strapons for people with penises exist. Penis extenders exist! If a woman is interested in a particular physical sensation, it’s not that fucking hard to get it. If she’s strictly looking for casual sex, then she might have less patience for finding just the right combination of toy & person, but on the other hand, she might be really fucking tired of men who think all they have to do is wave the almighty penis at her and she’ll have orgasm after orgasm. Size absolutely does not trump technique.

Not to mention, if the only thing a woman cares about is the size of the appendage she’s pretty fucking likely to go straight to come as you are (for example) and not bother talking with you. If she’s looking for an actual human person who can snuggle, bring her soup when she has a cold, and tell her she’s great, there are obviously things she’s looking before besides the size of your dick.

The majority of women do not give two shits about the size of your dick. You have heard that most women DO NOT ORGASM from penis-in-vagina sex, right? For most (MOST, the vast majority most) of us, it’s about oral, manual, and vibrators. Your dick is simply not that important. There are so many other ways to get us off if that’s what you actually care about. No seriously, having a small dick is never ever EVER an excuse not to try to get your partner off. If your tongue works, fucking use that. If at least one of your hands works, fucking use that. If you have any body part you can rub against her clitoris (and possibly her vulva too), do that! If you don’t have any cooperative body parts at the moment, tell her a sexy story or tell her how goddamn hot she is while she gets herself off. If being told what to do turns her on, then run with that! Tell her what to do, when to do it, and when to stop >:)

Remember: mouth, fingers, toys! There are so many – SO MANY – ways to get a woman off, having a small dick does not matter in the slightest,.

And you know, if you have enough control of your body to communicate your unspeakably boring obsession with your dick, you have the ability to fucking listen to what I like and tell me a sexy goddamn story at the very very least. Don’t pretend you are unable to get a woman off when what’s really happening is you’re too fucking lazy to try and have eroticized that fact.

What gets you in trouble is absolutely not the size of your dick. What gets you in trouble (that is, what scares off women who would otherwise have been delighted to hop into bed with you) is being completely and obviously obsessed with the size of your dick. That’s boring as fuck. I cannot overstate how dull an obsession with the size of your dick is. I don’t caaaaaaaaaaaaare about your goddamn dick. I care about whether you give a shit about getting me off. I care how sexy and loveable you make me feel.

Protip: you can’t make me feel attractive while you’re obsessing over your dick. Want to convince the woman you’re talking with that you don’t give a shit about her? Obsess about your dick. To be fair, a few women with poor boundaries and shitty self-esteem will try to fix you, but honestly most of us will hard pass on that shit. If you don’t like yourself, I can’t make you and I can’t be bothered to try. Look, I’ve got shit to do. Why would I waste my time on something I will never, ever succeed at?

If some asshole traumatized you over the size of your dick, that sucks and I’m sorry. I still can’t fix it. There is literally nothing whatsoever any woman can say that will make you feel good about your dick. You’ve got to work that shit out on your own time, none of us can fix that shit for you.

But back on the subject of how incredibly boring your obsession with your dick it, not only can you not make someone feel desirable while you freak out about how small your dick is, but you can’t be interesting while you’re obsessing over your dick either. I like to hear about people’s hobbies and interests when I’m getting to know them. I like to learn about what you care about, what you don’t, what you do for fun, what you never want to do again, what your perfect weekend would be like, what your favourite pub is (seriously, local readers, tell me which pub is your favourite), and you know, what you’re like as a human being.

Seriously, even if I’m just going to fuck them, I like to know there’s a human being in there who recognizes that I’m a human being too. I’ve personally never been into totally anonymous sex, I liked my friends with benefits to actually be my friends when we weren’t getting naked together.

I am not interested in anybody’s fixation on their dick, no matter what size said dick is. Even when I was single and looking to get laid, I did not fucking care about the size of a guy’s dick. What I cared about was whether he was likely to respect my boundaries and generally treat me like a person. If he could manage that, then the size of his dick simply did not matter. Even if he was just too large for me to deal with (I prefer not-too-long dicks, leave my cervix alone dammit), we would have been able to find something fun to do anyway as long as he saw me as a person.

So for the love of god, shut the fuck up about your dick. I promise you nobody else will ever ever ever care about your dick even 0.000000001% as much as you do. Your dick does not matter. There is no need to obsess about it. You are okay, the only problem is that you don’t believe that.

Some people online seem really fucking confused about how to not be an asshole. If you’re going to be one, at least do it on purpose. It’s just fucking sad when you go out and behave like a dick and then act surprised when people *gasp* think you’re a dick.

If you want to express an opinion or an idea without pissing people off, there are some really handy magic words you can use:

“In my opinion”, “In my experience”, “Personally”, “In my relationship”, “What I’m interested in is”, “What I enjoy is”, “What I’m not interested in is”, “What I like is”, “What I don’t like is”, “What I’m looking for is”, “What personally works for me is”, “What doesn’t work for me is”, etc, etc. You should be seeing a theme here 🙂

And that’s if you have to say anything at all. sometimes you don’t have anything worthwhile to add and should keep quiet. To give an example, some jerk said in a thread on fetlife a while ago that he didn’t think play that wasn’t painful even counted as BDSM. You will not be surprised to hear that he was sharply corrected by a number of people, and then whined and cried about what meaniepants poopyheads we all were.

Here’s a jerk to non-jerk translation of basically the same idea:

jerk: painless play isn’t BDSM

non-jerk: I’m not interested in painless play

even better non jerk option: [silence]

If the thread is about feeling like you’re not a real dom because you don’t want to beat people black and blue, saying that you’re not interested in painless kink really isn’t adding anything. The discussion just isn’t about that, which makes your whining about your lack of interest in non-pain play boring at best and makes you look like a jerk with terrible reading comprehension at worst.

Or for another example:

jerk: female doms don’t exist because I can’t find any!

non-jerk: I’m having trouble finding a dom, am I doing something wrong?

even non-jerk option: reading the goddamn stickies like a fucking grownup

I am so bored of people whining that dominant women don’t exist in a group titled Submissive men and women who love them. I totally fucking love people telling me I don’t exist, that’s definitely going to make me want to play with them. I understand feeling frustrated, but straight up saying you don’t think dominant women exist because you suck at finding us is going to endear you to precisely no one. Plus it makes you look stupid, which, shockingly enough, is not attractive.

If you just swap out absolute statements for statements about yourself, your relationships, and your personal preferences, magically you’ll stop sounding like a dick! Because everyone has a different thoughts, feelings, and theories about BDSM, it’s very very easy to be completely fucking wrong about what BDSM fundamentally is. What BDSM is for you is simply not what it is for other people, how is this a surprise? Everybody has different kinks, only a total jackass would assume their kinks are so special that they’re universal.

On the other hand, it’s very hard to be completely fucking wrong about what you personally enjoy, and it’s pretty fucking hard to argue that you don’t like the stuff you like. Tada! If you just talk about yourself and what works in your relationship, it’s pretty hard to argue with that! People can totally say your personal choices are stupid and likely to make you unhappy in the long run, but they can’t say you like stuff you just said you didn’t. It’s generally pretty hard to argue that you’re an asshole for having preferences, too. There’s certainly some nuance there, but you really can’t tell someone they’re wrong to enjoy pain play (or not enjoy pain play) without looking like a total asshole.

Basically, when you make sweeping judgments about how other people do kink, you’re going to look like a jackass. If you’re talking about yourself, talk about yourself.

You were linked here because you suck and that’s sad. More specifically, you sent a shitty message that is not worth typing up a response to just for you, but the person who sent you this link wants you to know how you fucked up in case there’s any chance you’re capable of learning. Or more likely, they want to feel like they’ve done their duty to attempt to educate your dumb ass, even though it’s very likely a lost cause.

You have failed at one or more of the following:

• Shitty one line message. Why message me in the first place if you have absolutely nothing to say?
• Replying to my attempt to clarify your shitty one line message with “I’m just looking to make friends” or some such pointless bullshit. Bitch, YOU messaged ME. If you have nothing to talk with me about, why the shit did you message me in the first place?
• You included absolutely no information whatsoever about why you chose to message ME of all the people on fetlife. That means you messaged me solely because I have tits and live within a hundred miles of you. That is not flattering.
• You called me by a title. My name is Stabbity, it’s right there are the top of my profile, dipshit.
• You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.a: protip: if there are NO pictures of herself on a woman’s profile, DO NOT say you think she’s sexy.
• You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.b: there is a section of my profile helpfully labelled “hard limits”. It says very clearly that I am monogamous and will not fuck you.
• You sent me a form letter. Do you think I’m stupid? I can fucking tell it’s a form letter, you lazy fuck.
• You proved you didn’t bother to read my personal ad – at the end of it I give the best way to contact me, which is not my fetlife profile.
• You treated me like a fetish dispenser. I do not give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about what I could do to make your dick happy if you can’t be bothered to treat me like a human fucking being.
• You treated me like your personal kinky wikipedia. Why no, total stranger, I will not tell you all of my deepest secrets just because you showed up and shat a one line message into my inbox.
• You treated me like you’re placing an order at doms-r-us. You will treat me like a goddamn person or you will get blocked.
• You clearly typed that message one handed with your other hand on your dick. Fuuuuuuuuuck oooooooooooffff.
• You’re old enough to be my father. Since my profile does not specifically say I’m into much older men, you can safely assume I am NOT into sad bastards who are creeping on younger women because women their own age don’t fall for their shit.
• Your profile says you’re a dom and your message said you wanted to “submit” (read: service top you to your exact specifications) to me. I have zero interest in being your dirty little secret.
• You described yourself as an “alpha” anything. No. I am totally uninterested in people who think it’s shocking and amazing that they can be submissive and *gasp* not a complete doormat! At the same time!
• You pulled that awful “worthless worm” bullshit. If you’re worthless, don’t waste me time by messaging me.
• You started a scene without getting my consent. I am not your mistress, I am not your new owner, I am not interested in slashy speak, I am not interested in your female-supremacist fantasy (also fuck off with that bullshit). You will not talk to me as if we already have a d/s relationship.

I want to go into more detail about what treating me like a person means because so many of you fucking clowns don’t seem to get it. If you can’t make the wildly bizarre assumption that I have thoughts and feelings and goals and interests that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with making your dick happy, you deserve to die alone. And no, dumbshit, I am not on Fetlife because I want to hear about your dick. Dick is abundant and low value. I am on Fetlife because I like having nerdy discussions with other kinky people.

So many of you seem to think that just because I have a Fetlife profile (or a collarspace profile or whatever) that I am fundamentally for sex. “She’s on a sex site,” idiots think, “that means she wants dick! Any dick! Maybe even my dick! She couldn’t possibly have standards, she’s on a sex site that means she’s for sex!” No bitch. Even when I was single I had no interest in dumbshits who thought that the only thing they needed to know about me was that I had a profile on Fetlife. Why the fuck would I want to get naked with someone who was too stupid to realize that being kinky doesn’t magically obliterate the rest of my personality? You idiots seriously need to sort your madonna/whore complexes out.

It’s incredibly fucking easy to treat me like a person. I’ve only been writing on this blog since 20-fucking-11, there is goddamn well something here you can start a conversation about. I also go through bouts of commenting on Fetlife threads. Again, there’s goddamn well something you can say about that, even if it’s just “good comment, I thought you made an interesting point.” If you have no interest in any of the many, MANY things I’ve said online, why the fuck are you even messaging me?

Oh, that’s right, it’s because you’re personally disgusted by your own kink and want to deal with your terrible urges with some horrible loathesome pervert you don’t have to talk to or think about when she’s not actively making your dick happy. Then you can run away and pretend to be “normal” until the next time you slink back to one of those awful nasty kinky people.

My real post this week is intended to be a bit of a public service. It’ll be published a few minutes after this one, and is a list of stupid things men do in messages that make me block them. I keep going back and forth about whether it’s worth writing messages to individual idiots to try to educate them. That post is a bit of a compromise, I can send all the sad bastards who send me terrible messages a link without wasting my time trying to convince each one of them I’m a person. If anyone else wants to send fuckups a link to that post in lieu of wasting your own time, feel free! Comment here or message me (contact info is on my contact page) if you’d like me to add any more categories of failure to that page. I haven’t closed comments on it yet but I won’t be at all surprised if I have to.

My other announcement is a reminder that I gleefully accept guest posts. Fuck off spammers, not you. I mean actual human people who have something to say and either don’t have their own blog or just feel like that particular post is a better fit for my blog than for yours. You can be as anonymous (or not) as you like.