“Being kinky is not a substitute for being interesting.” I came across that brilliant tumblr post the other day and it perfectly sums up what I mean when I ask kinky people, particularly submissive men, what they have to offer a potential partner. As an aside, I understand and agree with complaints that insisting submissive guys exchange service for domination implies that they aren’t desirable in and off themselves, which is totally wrong and more than a little douchey, but that’s a separate blog post.

In this post, I want to talk about how little being kinky means in terms of making people want to spend time with you. Everybody who likes to hang out with boring people, raise your hand. Oh, nobody? There’s a shock. What about self-centered people, who likes hanging out with them? Or people who are obsessed with one topic and won’t talk about anything else? Huh, I think I’m seeing a trend here. Now, what do you suppose happens if you’re both boring and kinky? That’s right, you’re still boring. Okay, what about being self-centered and kinky? Still self-centered. Or obsessed with one topic to the point you don’t notice or care that the person you’re talking with would rather gnaw off a limb than spend another minute with you? Sadly, for no few people that is being kinky.

That’s why I ask what people have to offer when they talk about how hard it is to find a partner. It’s simply not enough to just be kinky. You and about a million other people have a foot fetish or a latex fetish or a medical fetish, that doesn’t make you special. There are so many more interesting things about you, so I don’t understand why people harp on this one thing that is frankly not that interesting. I mean, sooner or later, no matter how kinky you are, you need to do some laundry and make dinner. If you aren’t worth hanging out with while we do that, why on earth would I give a shit what kinks you like?

If you want friends, or play partners, or a casual relationship, or a long-term relationship, you have to have something to offer. Not free labour, not money, not an extraordinary level of physical attractiveness, but the pleasure of your company.

So many times I see people act like they think being kinky really is a substitute for being interesting, and it makes me sad. More precisely, acting surprised that being kinky isn’t a substitute for being interesting makes me sad for humanity. It is simply not that hard to be interesting. Just talk about something you care about. When people do that, they’re pretty reliably interesting. Not everyone will have the same interests but at least they’ll know there’s a person in there, not just a black hole of need.

If you can’t even manage that, then I have to assume that either you’re so ashamed of your kink that you treat it like a dirty little secret that can never touch any other part of your life, or that you are so monumentally self-centered that it never occurred to you that other kinky people are in fact people, not malfunctioning kink vending machines. Do either of those sound like the impression you want to give when you’re looking for friends or a partner?

Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to start presenting a new image if that’s not what you want people to think. Just start acting like a human fucking being with interests and hopes and favourite movies and hobbies. Seriously, it’s not that hard. Everybody is interested in something. Even if all you do is go to work and come home so tired all you can stand to do is sit down on the couch and watch tv, you can still talk about your favourite shows. Or even shows you wanted to like but really disappointed you. Or shows that haven’t come out yet that you’re looking forward to. Just please for the love of god talk to people about literally anything other than what they can do to get you off.

I know I rag on submissive guys a lot, but this applies just as much to doms. If you meet a dom and she expects you to treat her like god’s gift to men just because she’s willing to put on some latex and swing a riding crop, don’t waste time on her. Really and truly, you deserve someone who will relate to you like you’re a human being. If she expects to be worshipped just for showing up, don’t waste time on her. If she expects money for spending time with you and isn’t totally up front about being a pro, run from that fucking scammer. If she expects total devotion from the instant she meets you just because she calls herself dominant, she’s kind of an asshole. Simply being kinky does not mean a dom is a good person, it does not mean they’re right for you, it does not mean they can meet your needs.

No matter how you identify, you have the right to hold out for a partner who you actually like, who has good qualities and an interest in you beyond your ability to get them off. I promise you a shitty relationship is not better than no relationship at all.