A companion piece to ‘How NOT to introduce your partner to femdom‘.
If Elise Sutton has it all wrong, how should you introduce your partner to femdom? I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I can hardly do worse then ‘Elise’.
For starters, where Elise says “all women are a potential Dominatrix”, what you really need to do is accept the exact opposite. All women are most certainly not potential doms. You can cling to the fantasy that you can mold your wife/girlfriend/significant other into whatever you like, or you can actually communicate with this person you claim to care about, but you simply cannot have both. This is the point where I expect to lose most of the men who want to know how to introduce their partners to femdom – unlike Elise, I’m not going to tell you comforting lies.
It’s possible your wife will love domination once you introduce her to it. It’s also possible that she will never develop an interest in power exchange, or that she’ll love power exchange but only from the submissive side, or that she’ll hate the whole idea and think you’re a freak for asking for it. There’s no way I or anyone else could possibly know whether your wife will ever develop an interest in domination without knowing her personally. If anyone tells you otherwise, I recommend asking yourself what they have to gain by telling you what you want to hear.
To rag on Elise some more, when she says:
You begin by treating her like a Queen. You begin by serving her as if she was already the dominant woman of your dreams. Be humble and submissive around her. Don’t argue with her, don’t yell at her, and don’t give her any back talk. Your purpose in your relationship is to serve her. What she says goes, so be quick to agree with her.
No! You start by talking to your wife like she’s a fucking person! I don’t mean to downplay how scary it is to tell the woman you love something about yourself that might disgust her, but if you take Elise’s advice all you’re going to do is make your wife wonder what you’ve done to feel guilty about.
This is going to sound kind of backwards, but I recommend telling strangers on the internet first. The reason I recommend that is because being more comfortable with your kinks will make it easier to tell someone else about them without the conversation sounding like you’re telling her you have cancer (credit to Dan Savage for that analogy). That is, the way you talk about your kink will affect how your partner reacts. If you act like it’s this terrible disgusting character flaw, she’s more likely to be freaked out by it. If you act like it’s a fun thing you’d like to try, she’s less likely to be freaked out.
Talking with other kinky people is a good way to get comfortable with your kink, and strangers on the internet are the least terrifying people to talk with. If they think you’re a terrible disgusting freak (not that they will, but it’s natural to worry about it), it’s not as if it’s going to affect your life in any way. Just make up a new nickname and try again.
To be fair, I should point out that if your wife finds out you told people on the internet you were kinky before you told her, her feelings are likely to be hurt. However, unless she has an especially close-minded and rigid worldview, she’ll understand that it’s easier to tell your secrets to a stranger than to someone who’s opinion means more to you than anyone else’s. I don’t have any really good advice for that situation beyond playing up the whole ‘of course I was scared to tell you, your opinion of me is more important than anyone else’s, and I’d be absolutely devastated if you thought I was a freak.”
Even if you don’t actually post on any forums, you should really do some reading, particularly of what actual dominant women have to say. There is approximately a shit ton of information out there about how to treat a dominant woman, and you should take it into account whether or not your partner turns out to be dominant. In particular, just about every ‘how to approach dominant women’ guide out there talks about how actual domination is not solely about your dick. If you want your wife to service top you, it’s absolutely okay to ask for that! Honestly, that’s probably a less scary thing to ask for than something as vague as “I want you to dominate me”. However, if you tell her you want her to be in control, then ask her to act out a scene to your exact specifications, she’s bound to be a little confused about what you meant by “I want you to take charge.”
To quote Dev’s comment on maymay’s post “Finally! Something that speaks to dominant women” they said
Not every woman is going to enjoy being dominant anyway. We have our own sexualities too. But for a woman who might, or could, or does enjoy being dominant, it has to be based on what’s in it for her. Otherwise she’s just doing you a favor, which is fine, but then at least don’t make her lie about it, please.
Asking your partner to do you a favour is absolutely fine, but asking her to pretend she’s in charge when your dick is really the one running the show is kind of a dick move, pun intended.
Assuming you really do want her to take control, you’re going to need to explain what’s in it for her. If the two of you happen to be comfortable talking to another person about something so personal and you can afford a session with a prodom, having one show her exactly what she can get out of domination can be an especially compelling way to explain it.
As Mistress Matisse says in her post Playing with Couples:
This week I did one of my favorite things: I showed a woman how to top her husband.
…
There is always a moment in the session when something falls into place in the woman’s mind and she gets it. You can see it in her face: Ohhhh… I’m the mistress. I get what I want. You have to please me.
Of course, most people can’t afford to drop upwards of $200 an hour on a hobby, not to mention the stigma around seeing a sex worker, so this clearly is only going to work for a minority of people. Still, I think there’s something in getting personalized help from someone who already enjoys domination. If you’re both able to and interested in joining the local scene, there’s probably someone out there who’d love to teach your wife how much fun domination can be. There are a lot of kinky people out there who enjoy feeling like Mistress Know-it-all, font of knowledge and savior of newbies 🙂 Honestly, I’m one of them. Plus we all remember what it was like to be new and uncertain, and want to help out people who remind us of ourselves when we first discovered kink.
But before you get into personal demonstrations, you’ve got to get over the hurdle of discussing kink at all. This may seem a little disingenuous, but I’d avoid using terms like domination, submission, BDSM unless you know your partner is especially open-minded. On top of having negative connotations for a lot of people, those words are so vague they’re pretty much useless when you’re talking with someone new to this whole thing. If you tell someone who’s hardly even heard of kink that you want her to dominate you, she’s not likely to understand what it is you actually want her to do. If you tell her you love it when she tells you exactly what she wants in bed, that’s going to make a lot more sense.
And for the love of god, start with baby steps. No one is going to be comfortable spending a whole weekend ordering you around and using you like her personal fucktoy when you’ve only just introduced her to kink. If you ask for that, you’re just setting her up to fail. Start with mixing a little dominance into sex sometimes, and if she likes it, go from there.
Finally, ask about her fantasies too. Surely you didn’t think you were the only one with sexual needs, did you?
PS. If anyone has some concrete tips on how to tell your partner you’re submissive, that would be awesome. My post is more philosophical than directly useful.
Amazing concepts explained. I’m going to hope this helps out newbies, and saves them from being misguided by the typical bullshit as quoted.
I’ll just put the plug out there for getting involved in your local scene early and often, i.e., before you’re tied down (or not, as the case is) in a vanilla relationship with someone you’ll have to try to introduce to kink and hope for the best. Having a social network and setting in which you’re meeting people for whom the basic “are you interested in kink?” question is already answered takes the first big hurdle out of the way. It also lets you meet people who are likely to be kinky in a way that’s compatible with the way you are, and gives you and them the opportunity to have gotten some experience and some ideas about what does and what doesn’t work for you both in terms of kink and in terms of relationships, rather than just hoping that you and the one you’re already with are going to match up well kink-wise.
Of course, this would mean not getting all caught up in guilt/shame/denial/desperation/whatever about yourself early enough in your life before you make misbegotten relationship commitments with vanillas. Alas.
If I were to recommend one thing for broaching the topic with a heretofore vanilla partner, it would be make it fun (go the opposite route of the Dan Savage “got cancer” method). Picking a decent time, place, and set of circumstances to pop the news, like, say, a naughty conversation about your respective fantasies in a cozy, romantically-lit place after a nice dinner out and a big bottle of something alcoholic (if that’s your thing), can work wonders at making almost anything seem sexy.
One thing that happens a lot in relationships when one partner has got something big to tell the other is a mismatch in time to process. If you’ve known you’re kinky and you’ve been fantasizing (or even participating) for a long time, you’ve got some lead-time, very possibly years, over your vanilla partner to get used to that idea that you have to give him or her some allowance for. (This works for a lot of other things in relationships too.) So don’t assume that once you’ve sprung the news, that everything after that is going to be smooth sailing and you’ll live happily ever after.
I’d also advise accepting and planning for the possibility of it not working out, the possibility that your partner won’t be interested, or will think you’re a freak, or that he or she will give it a shot and find it’s just not for them, and having an idea about what you’re going to do if that’s the case. I think that’s a good idea in relationship in general too, to always have an “exit plan,” as cold and unromantic as that might sound, but that’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way more than once. If it really does come down to having to make a choice between your kink and your relationship, knowing the answer to that before the question is asked will save both of you a lot of time and pain finding that answer.
Yep, it definitely makes the whole kink thing a lot easier to deal with. Come to think of it, it can even help introduce a vanilla partner to kink. In the first few days I was with my boyfriend, I asked him if he wanted to come hang out at the gay bar with me and my kinky friends. In hindsight, that was a way to present kink as this normal thing that normal people do. Of course, it helps that the boyfriend was already pretty open-minded, but I think bringing someone to a nice low-key munch to have a nice low-key chat with some kinky people wouldn’t be the worst way to introduce someone to kink.
That’s one thing that just drives me nuts about the sadly common complaints from submissive men about who they told their wives they’re kinky two whole months ago, why hasn’t she strapped on a giant cock and forced him to worship it yet? For fucks sake, give the poor woman some time to adjust.
It’s funny how many things that we consider romantic are actually terrible ideas. Blindly assuming that loving someone will magically make fundamental incompatibilities go away is just dumb. And jerking them around while you try to figure out if you can live without kink is kind of a dick move.
Very sound advice, but reality may be more complicated.
Some women are genuinely disgusted at the idea of their spouse having secret thoughts about anything that doesn’t explicitly involve them, or that are ‘perverted’, and they may well experience the mere existence of such thoughts as a form of implicit betrayal.
They may also regard banal, non-cybersex chat about kink with another person, either male or female, as tantamount to infidelity, and therefore taboo.
“Finally, ask about her fantasies too.”
What if she claims not to have any?
Some tips.
When she’s being assertive in the ordinary humdrum run of things, and asks you, or better still tells you to do something, you playfully drop to your knees, embrace her legs, look up lovingly, smiling, and say “Yes M’Lady” or something similar, then do it straight away, even if it means leaving the football game you’re watching on TV.
But choose your moment with care. It’s risky and incredibly context-sensitive.
Also, put extra gusto into doing those jobs around the house that she hates doing – cleaning the shower, doing the washing up immediately rather than letting it accumulate in the sink, making sure there’s bleach down the toilet and that the seat is down, cutting plenty of extra wood for the stove so that she never feels cold in winter. Then try to find a way of letting her know that these are marks of intense respect.
And finally, keep fit. Keep in shape, do as much sport and exercise as you can that’s appropriate to your age and capabilities. Don’t let yourself go physically. Help her to feel that she still has a man worth having.
No woman is going to want to even think about being the domme of your average slob or couch potato.
That’s the thing that makes me so angry about Elise Sutton’s advice. Telling people that everything will definitely work out the way they hope is a blatant lie. While I think that believing it’s not okay for your spouse to even *think* about certain things is disgusting and abusive, it’s just unavoidable that some people are so freaked out by kink that they’ll never be able to accept a kinky spouse.
Yeah, that’s an issue. I have a bit of a blind spot there, being a younger woman who’s comfortable with my sexuality. I certainly have fantasies I’m not all over sharing, but it just doesn’t occur to me that someone would have no fantasies at all, or not feel comfortable sharing even the most tame ones.
All that said, it actually doesn’t have to be a sexual fantasy. Surely everyone daydreams about the perfect night out, or the perfect weekend away. It just seems unfair for the kinky person to get their fantasies fulfilled without doing anything for the not-so-kinky partner.
Yes! Women experience sexual attraction too! I know I’d have trouble getting all fired up to dominate someone who had clearly let himself go.
I’m nodding along, and then I’m wincing with familiarity, because of the part where I’m switchy and a little more kinky than my fiancée–and I’ve always known that if I were with a guy, I’d be more dominant, and if I were with a woman, I’d be more submissive, but right now I’m trying to figure out if I actually want to submit to her or just be topped! Argh. Complicated! *hides face in hands*
Anyway. This is a good one, for many reasons.
Like a lot of guys out there in web land, I stumbled onto E Sutton’s website a few years ago and thought I’d found the answers. this came at a time when I was coming to grips with what my kink really meant – that I wanted to submit to my wife for real out of love and respect. And I think I actually gained some useful information from Elise in terms of how she (?) explains the psychology of the submissive male mind. But I knew better than to take Suttons advice towards drawing the domme out of my wife. At that time, we’d been together nearly 20 years and I had a pretty good idea of what would bring out the eye rolls and less positive responses, to say the least.
the good news was that I found other helpful websites and ultimately found the book “Uniquely Rika” by Ms Rika. I bought the book and read it and things fell into place – the concept that if I really wanted to submit, I needed to do it in ways that would benefit my wife. That felt right to me. Still, the conversations with my wife were not easy. I gave here the book – she did not take it too well at first, thinking I’d given her a how-to be a dominatrix book. But she read it, for me, and it helped her understand what I was asking for and how we could make it work. And we have made it work, our way, and we are both pretty happy and comfortable in our roles.
The upshot – Elise Sutton’s site is entertaining and, I think, useful for understanding the male sub psyche. But for the majority of us, it is not what is needed to introduce femdom-stuff to our wives/girlfriends. Ms Rikas book is the real deal, or at least the best resource I could find.
Thanks for the soapbox.
Yay, someone with some sense! I just don’t understand why someone would take Sutton’s advice over their own understanding of someone they’re freaking married to.
Exactly! So much ‘how to be an unpaid dominatrix’ advice just sounds like a chore. To get someone into kink, there has to be something in it for her, even if it’s just that she really likes making her partner happy and acting out being a dom makes him really happy.
Awesome! I really should read that book myself one of these days. And I’m glad you got something out of Elise Sutton’s books, even if I can’t make it past the blatant idiocy on the website.
Just to clarify, I did not read any of Elise’s books either. But I’ve read her website off and on for a year or two and thus have a pretty good handle on her perspectives. To paraphrase, one of her main platforms is that men spend a lot of there developmental years with women who are in roles of nurturing authority (primarily moms and teachers). Thus it makes sense that a lot of men fantasize about being controlled by women. And as a man that grew up with strong matriarchs on both sides of the family (and male family memebers that respected them) and almost 100% female teachers, I think it makes some sense that this influenced my own development.
Thanks for the response by the way – I appreciate the support and th feedback.
No problem 🙂 But I disagree with you about the reason men end up submissive. There are plenty of men who are raised by strong women and end up vanilla or even dominant. I very much doubt our childhoods have anything to do with it.
I’ll agree that the idea I put forward here is pretty simple, and people are not simple creatures. There are a lot of things that shape who we are, some of which have nothing to do with our environment. So I’ll take the bait you’ve thrown down – do you have your own over-arching theory about what makes some men (and women) submissive and some not? (my apologies if you have covered this in the past)
No worries, I haven’t covered that one yet. I don’t really have an overarching theory. To me, asking why I’m kinky is like asking why I’m an introvert. I just am, that part’s boring. The interesting part for me is what introversion makes me good at, and what kind of fun I can have in the places where my kinks overlap with a play partner’s kinks.
I don’t know why I’m so interested in why specific kinks work for me but I just don’t care what it is that makes me kinky. I just don’t see what it would change if there was an explanation for my interest in kink.
“The Talk” was one of the scariest moments of my life. No matter what happened, our relationship was going to change. When one partner lays out needs and desires that they other might not want or be able to meet, the ramifications will ripple. At it’s core it was a selfish act on my part, shrouded under the mantle of ‘being honest’. I knew that my partner would try to be responsive, even to the point of trying on personas that might not be a natural fit for her.
The conversation went well, and the idea of being dominant did strike a chord with her in many ways. We’re four months in, and so far things are good. Still, we work hard on finding the line where her natural behavior and needs end (as well as mine), and pretend begins. We both realize that’s the only way to keep the dynamic sustainable. Even so, it’s something I’m mindful of all the time, knowing I started us on this road.
I’d like to say this has been storybook, and my partner discovered the perfect hidden domme inside of her self. In fact what we’ve gotten is better, where all of our traits have found room for expression, including some dominant ones she’s carried. The mix is exhilarating and real, and far from fitting any particular model.
I’m glad I initiated the conversation. Before I did, I had to not only be prepared for rejection, but to walk away from the topic completely if acceptance meant putting my partner in an unfair position.
Absolutely, that would be a terrifying thing to talk about with someone you’re already attached to.
I think it’s really sweet of you to worry that she would try to force herself into a mold she didn’t fit. A lot of the people who complain about how their wife just doesn’t understand and that’s why they need to cheat on her make it sound like they’d be perfectly happy if she would just go through the motions of dominance, even if she hated it.
Yay! Here’s hoping it keeps going well for the two of you.
Compared to the majority of similar articles I‘ve read, I believe this to be phenomenally insightful, informative and comforting advice. Thank you.
I have a query that echoes the previous post.
I completely understand what you’re stating regarding the equality, asking if SHE has any related fantasises or coincidental desires. However, if my partner indeed dislikes and/or is only acting the role, never discovers any expressions of her own dominance, do you believe I should feel guilty regardless in conjunction with your points? Even if she‘s doing it out of her love for me? If so, how would I remedy that?
Thank you for any advice.
~Christian.
Awesome, glad I could help.
If she wants to do nice things for you of her own free will, I think you should let her 🙂 As long as she doesn’t feel pressured to do anything she doesn’t want to, and you do nice things for her too (not necessarily sexual things, I mean stuff like taking her to a show she’s excited about or spending a romantic weekend away somewhere), then I don’t see any need to feel guilty.
That’s all assuming she’s acting out the role and doesn’t actively dislike it. If she does, that’s basically guaranteed to lead to resentment and having to choose between staying with her and getting your kinky needs met.
Yes, I think I agree that if she consistently detested acting out the role over time, I wouldn’t pressurize her into doing it anymore.
Digressing, I have never experienced dominance in any form at the hands of a man or woman. Due to some hurtful, upsetting experiences I’ve had over the years, (including a “failed connection” with an abusive, online dominant), casual rejections, my ambition to experience it has nearly been completely destroyed.
So if I must be honest, I doubt that what remains of my interest will even last before I find someone I truly value.
Without some pre-thought statements, it could also be challenging to lucidly explain to an eager or curious dominant about limitations while keeping his/her interest; how fair D&S is about trying to facilitate each other’s desires, not just their own. Within your mind, how would I convey what I “want” from my partner’s dominance while maintaining his/her appeal of being “in charge”? For a dominant newcomer, such concepts can cause confusion and potential disinterest.
I hope my exact query is comprehensible, thank you for any advice.
~Christian.
That’s a good question. Personally, I see limits as creating a safe sandbox for me to play in. I think everyone who isn’t a sociopath knows that “do whatever you want to me” means “whatever you want within reason.” Knowing what’s off limits makes me feel safer trying things out.
Reconciling the dominant being in charge with the goal of facilitating both people’s desires is a little more complicated. There’s just so much writing out there about how kink is all about what the dom wants and a good sub doesn’t even have needs of his own. If I were explaining that to a new dom, I might talk about how authority and responsibility always go together. Outside of the scene, everyone with authority over you (parents, bosses, police, etc) also has a responsibility to look after you. Why should inside the scene be any different?
Or to look at it another way, wouldn’t it be weird and sort of creepy if you really had no needs whatsoever besides making your dom happy? People with no sense of self-preservation certainly creep me out. Just being submissive doesn’t mean you stop having desires of your own any more than being an athlete means you never want to sit on the couch drinking wine and watching tv.
Oh, and the great thing about submissives having desires is that they can give their dom ideas. I don’t want to be the only person who ever comes up with scenes, I want my submissive to contribute.
Does that help any?
Yes, I admire the authority analogy. I still dread the thought of attempting to explain such complicated dynamics though. I experience strong despair, anger when I can’t precisely and efficiently explain my mind. Alike you, I’m also an introverted thinker.
I suppose if a partner curious about dominance was truly loving, they would be quite accepting of any desires you expressed, regardless of the appeal of “being in charge”.
Another concern is a partner that could be oblivious to what “dominance” means within the context of standard BDSM. To a complete novice for example, a request for their own “expressions of dominance” could simply mean ordering you to awaken one hour earlier or to open a food container. They could completely misunderstand the themes you’re referring to and/or would like them to explore, such as degrading commands or emotional sadism.
Of course, I believe dominance can be subtle or abstract, but I hope you can comprehend what I’m trying to explain.
I suppose a solution would be to simply explain the “desired atmosphere,” but that could also be difficult while maintaining their appeal of “being in charge”.
I apologise if my questioning becomes bothersome, thank you for your time.
Christian~
Thank you for a good post.
I have recently started to take more interested in being dominated by my woman. My wish is for her to be more confident and in charge, inside and outside of the bedroom. The thought of her being able to set more rules for our relationship and her telling me to do things for her gets me exited.
This is however not the nature of our current relationship were she tends to be more tentative to my needs. I think our relationship would be better of if it was the other way around.
Because of this I have been looking on the Internet for tips on how to get my woman interested in femdom and found a blog Goddess Thoughts.
There is an example there that I have started to try out. I will briefly quote some of it here below. (I have left some information out to make it shorter)
First of all:
• Be patient, never rush her. Lose any demanding attitude.
• Never pledge her to do things she does not want to do.
• Give her the time to find what she feels about domination.
1. Create a blog.
2. Give your blog a name such as “Serving my wife”
3. Announce your wife that for the next seven days, you’ll pamper her and serve her in any way she wants (no femdom! Just serve her in any she likes).
4. Announce her that you will write about this experience in your new blog
5. Start serving your wife:
• Do all house chores and let her rest, watch TV,talk over the phone or anything she desires.
• Serve her and pamper her in any way she wants.
• Make her breakfast and Dinner and make it look beautiful and tasty. Serve it with a tray.
• Pamper her in any way she wants.
7. Write about the day on your blog every night as below:
• Write how much fun it is to serve her. Do it in a positive and enthusiastic way. Flatter her and praise her on your blog, mention in your blog how much you love serving her, how much you love her, that she is so beautiful and a real goddess.
• Never criticize her domination.
• 8. Every time you publish a post let her know so she will read e written.
To this I my self added a “contract” to the week that she could agree upon.
(We have just done one week so far but are planning to do one more.)
I am very interested to hear you thought about this approach. It would be really appreciated.
If you believe in the approach and is interested, I have posted the link to my blog below.
(Encouraging comments are more then welcome)
Serving Heléne
I don’t like the pictures on Goddess Thoughts at all, but I slogged through it looking for the advice post you quoted and it’s actually quite good advice. She’s totally right about not rushing your partner and about explaining the emotional side of submission.
I’m skeptical about keeping up a totally different style of behaviour for a full week, but if you can do it more power to you. I’d personally be kind of freaked out if my partner started acting completely differently, but if you prove to her that you like it and can keep it up it could work out.
I had a quick look at your blog and it sounds like your girlfriend is getting into the experiment, which is honestly not what I expected considering that your comment here is all about what you want and not a word about what she might want. Good on you for not actually being a jerk, I think treating femdom as a fun little experiment is a good way to go.
Thank you for your reply
I can tell you that a lot of the pictures on the site I referred to are not really to my liking either, a bit to strong for my taste.
However; I felt that the advice/help presented there seems really interesting and could actually work for me and my woman (She not being used to being dominant).
Off course I have my own fantasies, things that turns me on, certain ways I can imagine my woman acting, certain things I imagine her doing but this I will keep to my self for a while. My aim here is not primarily about that. My aim is to present her with and opportunity to discover what she likes. She might like being in charge, she might not, and she might discover she like the same thing that turns me on or she might not. Since my hope is that she will like being in charge, and that’s the core of my turn on, my fantasies might not even really matter as much in the end, when it’s actually about me submitting to her desires.
Since we haven’t had this kind of relationship before I think that presenting it in this way, as a fun game, can give her confidence in exploring sides of her she didn’t know existed. In this aspect I believe that a full week could be a good thing, this way she will have more time to getting used to the new situation of being able to tell me what to do and gain confidence over time as the week progresses.
I wanted to know your opinion because from what I have read on your blog, I believe you have very sensible opinions (like in your post “It’s personal”
I was also interested to hear if you maybe thought my approach was to close to ideas form Elise Sutton (don’t know that much about her), which I understand you are not a fan of. From what I understand she advocates introducing femdom by starting to spoil your partner. This is actually what I am doing also, making her get used to being pampered. However, the big difference with my approach might be, I am not doing it out of the blue, I have agreed to be of service to her, for a limited period of time and I have presented it as a fun game, not to freak her out 😉
Am also not “just pampering away”, I plan on doing it according to her wishes and at her pace.
Serving Heléne
The thing (okay, one of many things) that really pisses me off about “Elise’s” advice is that she says to totally change your behaviour toward your partner without any sort of explanation about why you’re doing that. I would be really freaked out if I were dating someone and all of a sudden he started acting in a way that was out of character for him, even if he was doing nice things for me. Actually talking about it and asking her to try an experiment with you seems totally different from Elise’s advice of basically deciding you’re in a d/s relationship without even asking if that’s what your partner wants.
I like the idea of presenting kink as a fun game, that seems like a much better way to persuade someone to give it a shot than having some big discussion about your deep dark secret (not that it actually is a deep dark secret but some people treat it that way).
In having some discussion with my wife she thinks that being dominate means being mean and she just doesn’t want to be mean, it isn’t her nature. She does participate some though. I really like the feeling of chastity so she holds my key. She doesn’t go around teasing me all day like you read in some posts on the Internet, which may or may not be based on reality but it isn’t fair to her to expect that, like I said before, it isn’t her nature.
I really enjoyed your writing about this subject.
My wife and I have a long history on the subject where one of us was interested and the other was not. And since this is not my blog, I am not interested in writing a book. I honestly do not think my wife would make a good domme. She can be quite intolerable now. Why should I give her the reins, giving her all the power? She actually came after me with a lacrosse stick once. Another time she hit me, and I hit her back, not hard. Then she commenced cursing at me all night while we did housework.
My dominant is my best friend. She is a very caring person. I would rather keep the arrangement as it is.
I am kind of interested in femdom as it has a fascination for me, but being a realist it could mean departing from who I am and manipulating my wife. What I really like is being spanked by her and I have discovered that for her to do that she doesn’t have to be dominant although I like her to be firm when she is doing it. I realise I am still in control from the bottom but it works fine for us and she has said without any prompting that she is comfortable with it. I will stop there for my health and my marriage’s sake because I find that I don’t have to move on to actual femdom, as I still lead in our marriage.
I also fell for the Elise Sutton line and tried it on my wife. It did feed into my fantasy’s about femdom. My wife is dominant and wants to be in control of our marriage. I have no doubt about that. I knew that when I married her. After reading Elise Sutton I tried to introduce Elise Sutton style kink into our marriage. My wife has made it clear that she has no desire to control my orgasms, only likes oral sex occasionally (every few weeks), has no desire to spank me, etc…. She is more than happy to spend all the money and have me do all the house work. She likes that I don’t argue with her so much anymore. Oddly our marriage did get better because we started talking more about sex and our marriage. Through the experience I learned to be a better listener and understand my wife more. I do think Elise Sutton is a man and/or just someone wanting to make money off foolish men with kinky fantasy’s. I am glad I found this site. I already suspected that Elise Sutton was not a real person and reading the information on this site confirmed it. Reading Elise Sutton was like porn to me. Most all femdom sites I have read on the internet are the same Elise Sutton Bullshit.