Every so often I see threads started by men who say they have terrible trouble not topping from the bottom when they play. It will surprise nobody that I’m bored by that shit. They usually phrase it as needing a super mega dominant woman to “tame” them, or needing some fearsome punishment to make them behave. Guys, that’s complete fucking bullshit and you’re wasting everyone’s time.

And no, nobody is impressed with how “alpha” you are. What you’re telling people when you say that you can’t stop yourself from topping from the bottom is that you’re bad at submitting. Being bad at your part of a d/s relationship isn’t exactly a selling point.

It’s not about needing a stronger willed mistress or some magical punishment method that will somehow make you into a decent human being. If you don’t want to top from the bottom, don’t. Seriously, what’s stopping you?

If you need the scene to go the exact way you want it to or you won’t have any fun, welp, there’s a word for that and it’s not “submissive”. Like I’ve said before, dominant bottoms exist. I don’t even think there’s anything wrong with being one, it just irritates the shit out of me when men try to order dominant women around when they know we’re fucking dominant. You’re allowed to run your scenes the way you want to, you just can’t do that and say you’re submissive. Fucking admit you’re a dom and stop bothering dominant women.

Alternately, maybe you’re scared of really giving up control but you don’t want to admit you’re scared so you fixate on whatever your poor partner is doing “wrong.” As I control freak myself I get where you’re coming from 🙂 If that’s the case you’re probably going to want to find a kink friendly therapist, though. If your partner is extraordinarily patient you could try taking baby steps toward actually giving up control by having short simple scenes and gradually stepping it up as you get comfortable, but honestly I think therapy would be more efficient.

And of course, I can’t rule the idea that you’re just a bratty fucking manchild who can’t stand it when reality isn’t just like your fantasies. I can’t help you there, you’re just going to have to grow the fuck up. Some people really are happier fantasizing about kink than they are doing it, maybe that’s how it works for you.

No matter what is actually going on with you, saying that you can’t stop topping from the bottom is a lie. You goddamn well can, you just don’t want to put in the effort.