First of all, it’s not a fucking competition. Even if it were, you’d think pro-doms would be the ones pissed at lifestylers. We’re the ones who play for free while pro doms have to worry about booking enough sessions to keep their rent paid.
Pro doms and lifestyle doms have such wildly differing things to offer that the idea that we’re in competition with each other is really kind of ludicrous. That makes about as much sense as assuming that women who want husbands have to compete with prostitutes. One of them is offering lifelong (well, hopefully) companionship, and one of them is offering a no-strings-attached sexual experience tailored to your wants and needs. Gee, it’s almost like those are completely different things!
Same with lifestyle doms and pros. With a pro, you get domination more or less when you want it (I understand that the good ones are generally booked up at least a few days in advance), more or less the way you want it (if you really want a heavy impact play scene, odds are quite good you can get that from a pro) without having to take the time to build a relationship with said pro. With a lifestyle dom, you get companionship, more day to day d/s (not that pros don’t do d/s, but there’s only so much you can do with someone you may not see very often), maybe a romantic relationship (many but not all lifestyle doms want a submissive man for a life partner), maybe a family, etc, etc.
If what a guy really wants is a dominant girlfriend, he’s not likely to have a lot of interest in seeing pro doms. Not getting to build a relationship with them would be a deal breaker, not a selling point. On the other hand, someone with an extremely demanding job who just doesn’t have time for a relationship but wants to get his kink on isn’t likely to get what he wants from a lifestyle dom.
Given that we’re both so different, where does the animosity between pros and lifestyle doms com from? I think it’s caused by men who are too stupid to tell the difference between a lifestyler and a pro ruining it for everyone else. If a guy expects me to dress up in fetish wear to play with him because that’s what all the pros he’s seen have done, the problem is not the pros. The problem is a man who is too stupid to realize that people behave differently at work than they do at home. Nobody is surprised when a girlfriend, unlike a call girl, is not always perfectly groomed, wearing sexy matching lingerie, and happy to see you, so why would anyone be surprised that lifestyle doms aren’t always perfectly groomed, wearing fetish gear, and ready to play?
Not being a pro I’m guessing at the frustrations they go through, but I imagine it’s pretty irritating to offer sessions at a simple hourly rate and have to deal with people who think that they’re your personal slave now and therefore should get hours of attention for free. Or who insist that if you were a *real* dom, you’d play with them for nothing but the joy of doing so, rent and bills be damned. Or who think that because they’re paying you, they can now script your every word and action in a session.
It’s easy to end up with a warped view of dominant women when the only place you see them is in porn, but about 15 minutes on fetlife will fix that up for you. It turns out dominant women are actually a lot like non-kinky women. We don’t roll out of bed in head-to-toe latex, we’re not here solely to fulfill your fantasies, and we actually have wants and needs of our own. I know, it’s terribly inconvenient of us.
There’s really no reason for pros and lifestylers to fight, we don’t want the same men anyway. It would be great if the idiots of the world would stop setting us against each other, though.
I thought the friction arose because Pro’s are usually much prettier, in better shape, younger, possess better fetishwear and equipment, and (sometimes) have much better skills than lifestylers in general, and that made the lifestyle ladies speak negatively of the pros (ie, the Pro’s weren’t “real” dommes”). Also, the Pro’s are always Dommes (occasionally switches, but rarely in public), and attract a lot of male attention, tops and bottoms, whereas many of the lifestylers are bottoms or public switches, so there becomes Top/bottom friction (or feelings of percieved superiority/inferiority).
From the Pro’s perspective, they often felt the same way, except for the not being “real” part, and it inflated their egos. After all, men paid for their services, and they do tend to be younger, prettier, in better shape,….. They also don’t like being thought of as not “real”. Also, the Pro’s felt unwelcomed by the lifestylers, just as young, skinny female lifestylers often feel belittled by the larger ladies. I met one lifestylers stuffing her face with potato chips to gain weight, just to fit in with the other ladies of their group. I saw her again a few months later, and she had indeed put on enough weight to fit right in.
Whether the above is the reason for the friction might or might not be right, it’s just my impression.
I’m not sure you’ve been paying attention. The entire point of my post was that a woman who’s prettier/younger/in better shape is not competition if she’s not interested in dating the same men you are. Yes, pro doms do tend to be traditionally attractive and they’re generally more interested in catering to mens clothing fetishes than lifestylers are, but a pro who’s not going to date you is simply not competition for a woman who wants a submissive boyfriend. Said boyfriend may be more interested in the pro, but all that means is he’s not right for the lifestyler looking for a boyfriend.
I never mentioned switches or bottoms, and they’re not particularly relevant to a discussion about pro *doms* and lifestyle *doms*.
Hey Stabbity,
That’s an interesting and (from my perspective) controversial post. I started to write a comment but it quickly ballooned into a very lengthy response. So I’ve published it as a post all of it’s own:
http://www.femdom-resource.com/2013/03/27/pro-versus-lifestyle/
I felt like I could do better justice to it that way.
-paltego
Good thing you commented, apparently pingbacks aren’t working on my site right now.
Agree with paltego: it’s a false dichotomy to divide submissive guys into “seeking relationship with a lifestyle domme” and “would pay for a prodomme” categories. For one, if a guy can’t find the former, the latter might be an imperfect, temporary substitute: Miss “Right Now” when “Miss Right” is nowhere to be found. Second, the sexual component is usually the first draw for us guys. The interest in a relationship, etc., comes later, usually (preferably) much later, after we’ve noticed a woman and felt some sort of sexual attraction to her in the first place. That’s going to happen a lot quicker and more easily with a pro-domme who, even as a matter of professional necessity, goes the extra mile to look the part and be the part versus the lifestyler who tells herself she can still be all that in a dirty hoody and yoga pants. (Same as how a guy seems more on it when he’s wearing a sharp suit and has a fresh haircut and shave versus a wifebeater and two days of beard growth. Maybe Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie can pull off being equally sexay either way… but most of us ain’t Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.)
Yeah but you can’t keep up that appearance all the time. That’s the equivalence of marrying someone and expecting them to live with full make up and high heels on all the time. It just doesn’t happen. At some point, everyone goes through stress in their life and they fall of the bandwagon.
REAL, actual love dictates that you stick by them and pull them back up. I’ve done it myself, I’ve heard of my grandmother doing it with my grandfather, I dated a guy who did that for his ex. It is one of the best experiences in life. To love someone that deeply and not leave them by the road to fend for themselves when things get rough.
I get what you’re saying. But to me, it just sounds like filling a void by paying someone to do something you like which is equivalent to a vanilla male seeing a prostitute because he can’t find a girlfriend. That is only temporary. It is a temporary high and it will fade.
I am a lifestyle female Master & Daddy Dom style Dominant. None of the submissive slave Dolls I have owned would ever pay a pro domme. Pro dommes are NOT always younger or more attractive some may wear more of the stereotyped “female dominant” clothing but NOT all men care about stereotypes. I’m young 33 years old & attractive & non traditional & unique. I have turned down offers to be paid for Domination. For me I can’t Dom “just anybody” I have to have an emotional connection to them & my Slave Doll must be young & beautiful. My collared slave is 21 years old & 6ft 4in & gorgeous. A lot of older & ugly men go to pro dommes because most lifestylers want the cute sexy young guys. If pro dommes are willing to service the sub males that can’t get a lifestyle Dom that’s fine. Like the article said it’s like looking for a relationship vs looking for a prostitute. lol I personally would never take money for being a Dom it’s not about Financial Gain for me it’s about love. My collared slave Doll is a living canvas for my art. He’s a very treasured most valued possession with a special place in my heart.
I’ve been involved in the NYC BDSM scene since 1990. I know a lot of prodommess, prodoms, prosubmissives, dommes, doms and subs of both genders and orientations. As well as transvestites and transexuals by the score.
One of the things the author failed to mention is a lot of prodommes are either subs in their private life or they’re not particularly interested in BDSM in their provate life.
I now or knew a bunch of dommely dommes with reputations of being extremely dominant. I also knew their masters whom they were very devoted and very submissive in their private life. Subs working as Dominatrices are generally a lot better at the job than dominant people. They’re much more proficient at providing the service their client desires.
Drinking the kool aid and believing all the crap you read about being a domme is not conducive to having a long career as a prodomme. A prodomme is a customer service job, making the PAYING customer happy. Forgetting about that and developing an attitude with the customers is a sure fire way of rapidly having no customer and having a reputation get around so you end up with no new clients. I’ve seen this happen many times.
Any domme under 21 is very likely to be a college student, far more interested in reducing or eliminating their student loans than in BDSM. We used to refer to them as 1500 day dominatrices because as soon as they graduated, they were gone from the scene.
Prodommes who have lifestyle relationships generally don’t do very well in them. The surest way to ruin an avocation is to attempt to turn it into a vocation. Most people don’t feel like coming home and then doing the same thing they were doing at work.(Can’t say that I blame them.) They have a hard time separating their professional career from their relationship. The legal strictures and prohibitions that govern a prodomme create a mindset that gets in the way of a lifestyle relationship. I know quite a few people who lost the loves of their life attempting this.
I frequently recognize the personal ads of prodommes I know. They’re massively entertaining to read. They’re guaranteed to have you rolling on the floor laughing your ass off. They read like ads looking for a professional submissive. It’s tragically obvious that they’re looking for a stereotype, a particular variant of sub or bottom NOT a life partner they can make an actual connection with as a person. Destined to fail.
“Subs working as Dominatrices are generally a lot better at the job than dominant people.”
I see you’re positioning this as a general, and respect it, and want to share my experience of the exception. One of my exes was a pro domme who’s a true submissive. I’ve also sessioned with a ProDom who is an authentic top, sadist, and dominant. I will take authentic dominance one thousand times over before I would play again with a true submissive who’s playing the role of dominant. Small sample size, but the difference wasn’t even comparable for me.
“Prodommes who have lifestyle relationships generally don’t do very well in them. The surest way to ruin an avocation is to attempt to turn it into a vocation. Most people don’t feel like coming home and then doing the same thing they were doing at work.(Can’t say that I blame them.) They have a hard time separating their professional career from their relationship. The legal strictures and prohibitions that govern a prodomme create a mindset that gets in the way of a lifestyle relationship. I know quite a few people who lost the loves of their life attempting this.”.
Can you elaborate a bit more on what you mean here?
I’m a professional male Dominant and kink is a lifestyle for me. I also actively involved in the kink community as an event organizer, educator and participant.
From what I read on this thread, I will say there is a lot of misinformation. The underlying premise of pros vs. lifestylers is misleading.
To clarify, there are professional Dominants and there amateur Dominants. The key distinction is professionals are paid for their time: amateurs are not.
Lifestyle is a way of living, thinking and behaving. The problem here is there is no criteria to distinguish lifestyle from non-lifestyle. My basic criteria is whether one does something involving kink (specifically D/s in this case) at least a few times every week.
By this bar, a professional Dominant could also be a lifestyle Dominant. I would be an example of this as I do something involving kink every day, professionally or in my personal life. My daily posts on Twitter (https://twitter.com/MasterTomTheDom) demonstrates some of this.
On the other hand, an amateur “Dom” can also not be a lifestyle Dominant, if for example only does something involving kink non-routinely i.e. attending a monthly fetish play party.
Hope this helps those who might questions related to this.
I am both. I am a lifestyle dom and have my permanent wonderful sub/husband. But i also have a completely stocked dungeon and book sessions with other subs for money. And please don’t be so closed minded to think pro dommes sleep with their clients. BdSM in general has nothing to do with sex. I do not sleep with clients. Some people enjoy seeing a pro domme because they are married or whatever and their partners don’t enjoy the lifestyle. I only expect them to follow my rules while in my dungeon. Clients can’t use a lifestyle dom, while it’s free yes but it comes with too many strings for someone thats married or whatever. I even rent out my dungeon on kink b and b. I enjoy both, lifestyle and pro work. It also offers these clients to see someone that has a long history of working With people and safety. So please before you bash, open your mind a little more.
Which comment are you trying to reply to?
Ive went to a pro dom before, once. I liked how she treated me since I was very nervous. It was my first and only time paying anyone for any type of erotic pleasure. Although i had next to no knowlage of femm dom at that point.
Reading this post reminds me how empty i felt after i left, because we never really connected besides her makeing me feel special for a short period of time. I was lonely looking for a sexual release and found out that i need so much more than that.
What i want is to finnally open up sexually. A lifestyle domm that cares about me, weakens my knees and gives me butterflies is who I need.
I kind of felt like submisive men where a joke after that experience and that love in that avenue may not actually exist. Although im a bit dramatic, and sensitive over these matters. LoL!
I think a pro dom could open me up, its just that i would have to fight my feelings for weeks after because she was just there because shes good at it, and it pays her bills. I would miss her and realize i could only see her if i payed her. Maybe that is the essence of domm but i want to be held after someone dominates me. Lol. Not sit ther alone like i was completely used. LoL!
Anyway, this was a great read since i wasnt completely sure if lifestyle doms actually existed, or if i was doomed to pay for one sided love.
Anyway, i do ponder if anyone els thinks of this stuff romantically or if its strictly sexual?
Anyway this world seems like my natural place to gravitate towards since ive felt this way about women ever since i could remember. Im done trying to be normal now because, well …… im not LoL!
You have the right idea. Good luck to you. I think the best thing you could probably do is try to turn a Vanilla woman into a Domme.
Neither professional or lifestyle dommes are one-size-fits-all.
Some pro dommes do it purely for money and have no personal interest in it. I think that applies mostly to hot young girls who think it’s less sordid than prostitution. I suspect it would be hard to do this for very long or do it well at all without any personal understanding of the psychology behind D/s.
On the other end of the continuum, there are some who live it in their private lives as well and have submissive husbands/boyfriends. Or submissive girlfriends for that matter.
Many pro dommes are switches and may even prefer to be submissive in their private lives. ALL of the pro dommes I know well fit into this category. Every one plays “for fun” in some capacity but what that means varies tremendously. They can have personal relationships where they are either dominant or submissive, often one or more of each simultaneously.
I know very few women who are “purely” lifestyle dommes, perhaps because there aren’t many or perhaps because they are less involved in the public scene where I would meet them. Of the three I know fairly well, two are lesbians.
Heterosexual women with any dominant inclination learn very quickly that there is a huge unmet need and they can make money doing something they enjoy. Many become part-time professionals because it is so easy to fall into and because it’s a pretty great sideline.
Many people who are in the lifestyle long term go on a journey. I started out thinking I was a submissive, learned I was a switch, worked as a part time pro domme while playing a lot in both roles. It’s only now, well into middle age, that I am contemplating starting a personal relationship with a submissive. I am not really attracted to submissive men sexually. But at this point in my life companionship is more important than sex and I am too experienced to want to submit to anyone, certainly never on a regular basis. Yet vanilla would bore me, and I would scare the fuck out of most vanilla men. I think I might be most compatible with a submissive man if I can find one who I jibe with on an intellectual level and who has reasonable expectations I would enjoy meeting.
Nobody wears latex around the house unless she is being paid for it.