Women don’t enjoy sex. Really, not a single one of us. We just don’t like it.
I’ll wait for a minute now while the people who know me well clean their drinks off their monitors.
All done? Good. Sorry about that, I owe you a drink 🙂
Like I was saying, there’s a stupid idea out there that women don’t like sex (also that all men want sex all of the time, but that’s another rant). It would be nice if the kink community was beyond that, but clearly we’re not. Take for example, the idea that real dominant women never allow anyone to penetrate them, because clearly being penetrated is a submissive act, and of course, women don’t like sex.
If women don’t like sex, then the only reason to have sex is to please a man. If you’re a dominant woman then that reason goes out the window, leaving all the “true” doms with almost no motivation to ever allow a lowly submissive man to use his cock to make her feel good. God forbid one of us should ever give a blowjob, we’d be forced to hand in our dom cards immediately.
There is one reason a good, sex-hating female dom would grudgingly tolerate sexual relations with the delicious submissive man who makes incredibly hot little sounds when she bites him: to reward him for doing the dishes. Because if she wants her man to make himself useful, clearly she has to trade sex for it. No, I’m not sure how that’s better than directly exchanging sex for money and then hiring a maid either.
There are two big reasons reasons I hate the idea that sexual activities should be doled out in small amounts only as a reward for service.
1) If the only reason your partner pulls his weight around the house is because he won’t get any otherwise, your relationship has bigger problems than kink can solve. If you try to sell your girlfriend/wife on complicated kinky activities by saying it’ll make you a better partner, she’s liable to wonder “What’s in it for me that I shouldn’t already be getting from my partner?“
2) I like control. If my partner can ‘purchase’ sex at any time by completing a certain number of chores, that takes control away from me. Tom Allen has another especially good post about this particular issue (okay, I’m kind of a Tom Allen fangirl): Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage.
To state issue 2 another way: what happens if I want to have sex before he’s finished re-tiling the bathroom? Should I go without because it’s somehow un-domly to give him a treat for no reason? If upholding an arbitrary rule is more important than meeting my needs, then I’m not in control.
I’m also not in control if I can’t enjoy whichever sex acts I want to because some of them are somehow inherently submissive. If you think about that for just a few seconds, it’s obviously complete crap. To use blowjobs as an example, being in control of what sensation your partner feels and how long it lasts is, um, being in control. I’m really not sure how to make than any clearer. Also, I *love* reactions. Giving head gets fantastic reactions, which makes it fun for me even though my genitals aren’t directly being stimulated. Cocks are simply fun to play with – I can’t explain why, I just really like playing with them.
Of course, a giving blowjob can just as easily be a submissive act when it’s done with the intent of pleasing the blow-ee. Intent is far more important than the action being taken.
So where do we get the ridiculous idea that an act can be submissive regardless of the intent behind it? From the idea that dominance is masculine and submission is feminine. If women are submissive by default, then dominant women have to compensate by being extra shouty and domineering if they want to be seen as dominant. If men are expected never to show weakness, then dominant women can’t ever need a hug and still be in charge. If dominance is masculine and being penetrated is feminine, then dominant women somehow magically lose their dominance when they get penetrated. If a dominant woman insists on having penetrative sex, then she has to at least be on top.
Fuck that noise. The position I have sex in most often is missionary. Why? Because that’s the easiest way for me to get off. Because it’s hot to feel my partner’s muscles work to give me pleasure (so very, very hot). Because it’s comfortable. Because it’s easier to bite my partner’s shoulders that way. Because putting his head next to mine means I get to hear every little noise he makes.
Because I like it, and my pleasure is more important than upholding some stupid stereotype.
(okay, I’m kind of a Tom Allen fangirl)
It’s okay, so am I 🙂
I’ve mentioned that I had a partner that used to apologize for not only having sex with me, but would actually feel badly after she came because it showed that she wasn’t a “real” domme. A previous relationship had her convinced that the only way to be a proper domme was to be a man-hating, punishing bitch. How sad that she could never seem to lose that notion, and that she never learned to accept the idea that if she’s in charge, then she gets to do (and enjoy!) what she wants.
And because I think this is worth repeating loudly and oftenly, here is is once again:
If you (I’m talking mainly to men here) think that the best way to “get” your partner to top/domme/chastify you is by explaining that doing so will make you do more chores, then you are essentially setting her up to be a prostitute. Most women have a problem with this.
You kind of touched on this, but didn’t QUITE hit it in the heart. Some Dommes fear losing control when they come, because, you know, Dommes must always be in complete control, cold, steely eyed, blah blah etc.
So, what that thought boils down to is this:
“I am going to deny myself pleasure because I am scared.”
This definition of dominance makes me laugh and laugh.
Then I have a little cry, because, oh god, so sad!
Then I laugh again because, hey, it’s funny!
Then I stop it in case people think I am crazy.
Ferns
@Ferns, you’re fantastic 🙂
That’s an excellent point. I’ll have to harp on that one if I ever get around to writing a guide for new doms.
YES. This is fantastic, and overlaps so much with what Chaos and I rant about with regard to femdom. I’m sorry, but if I’m lying back relaxing on cushions and I’ve got a guy on a leash working himself into a sweat making me feel good, I really don’t see the argument that *I’m* the one being submissive here. XD
In addition to loving missionary, I also am VERY fond of rear-entry positions (le gasp, how undommy), and incredibly fond of sex in general, and a HUGE fan of orgasms and a good cuddle.
I’ve quoted Bitchy Jones over on my Tumblr but I will do it for you here as well,
I can lie on my back and still be on top, I win!
My suggestion for women who are worried that having a good come renders them less in charge is this,
grab tight to something sensitive of his throughout (balls, ears, hair, nipple). I do this occasionally by accident and it is always so fun to drift back to earth hearing him groan and moan.
Yum
I shared this blog with my dom because whether you are dom or femdom, many of these stereotypes still apply. He loves to make me laugh, to be silly and funny, to cuddle me, cook for me, do shopping etc.
He knows that at times he has encountered others doms who have questioned things, for example, when leaving a recent munch he carried all our bags and someone said, ‘I thought you were the dom?’ He replied…. ‘I am, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a gentleman too’
As he said to me when he read your blog, bravo to her, just because we are laughing and having fun doesn’t mean I am not the dom. I don’t need to mean and scowl to be that.
Great blog…I can’t wait to read more.
Mollyxxx
ps….oh and my dom has a great pair of monster feet slippers that he likes to wear in the winter 😉
Amen.
Yes! Intent is all that matters.
I think I first realized this when I was twenty or so and read the book 9 1/2 Weeks (basis of the infamous movie). The main character’s dominant boyfriend would make her sit passively while he bathed her, brushed her hair, etc. I “got” this – he was making her into an object. And yet, all my previous BDSM reading comprised stories about houseboys where the domme sat still and ordered the sub to bathe her and brush her hair, and I “got” that, too: the sub was being a servant. And suddenly a lightbulb went on in my head: “OH! It could work either way depending on what the people involved are into!” Duh.
Also: when I was in my late teens/early 20s and domming my first boys, I wouldn’t have sex with them or even orgasm in front of them, for the exact reasons you’ve stated. I also didn’t give my partners orgasms, because that would have been a “reward” and why would I reward some useless pig of a boy?
Kinda makes me cringe, thinking back on it. But I think most young people – kinky and vanilla both – start out having sex the way they think they’re “supposed” to and don’t grow into their own desires ’til later.
Great post. Fuck “image” and acceptable dom rules for enjoying or dolling out sex. If my dominant/top/mistress/master/grand supreme high and mighty snookums /etc wants to fuck me, well then barring limits or health/safety etc they should be fucking me, on their terms.
Oral sex isn’t something a lot of submissive folks enjoy receiving as much as giving, but a dominant using it for their own fun is an amazing thing. If a top knows what they are doing, they can actually gain power from going “down” on their bottom. Those have been some of the most agonizing minutes I’ve ever known. (teeth can be evil evil things).
Another point you made me think of is; “how could a dominant person possibly enjoy tender emotional vulnerability in a sexual situation”. Such a stereotype exists about dominants not being allowed to be sensitive of have a soft side. If someone is in charge, they can be as soft and cuddly as they want to be in interaction with their partner. I’ve had a dominant partner cry after a sexual experience with me, and I felt more humbled there than a stern angry beating ever could make me.
“What happens if I want to have sex before he’s finished re-tiling the bathroom?”
That cracked me up.
Great post! Giving a woman that hug she needs, when she is still in charge, or the cuddle she wants as someone mentioned in a comment above, is the sexiest thing imaginable.
Before finding me, my alpha sub was involved in several short-term play partner relationships with Dommes who subscribed to this ridiculous philosophy. He has also been a fan of FemDom porn. Those two things combined were the cause for much confusion when he encountered me. I see no reason to deny myself orgasm after orgasm or to have sex in the way it is most pleasurable – on my back with my legs on his shoulders!! That is what I want…
Your choice, my lady :)))
Andrea Dworkin. While I appreciate some of her work, her insistence that any form of male penetration was an act of violence more than makes up for any good she did. (She writes in great detail of how the vagina is muscular and the penis forces it open (apparently she didn’t understand that arousal causes the vagina to relax and open) and therefore she claimed “in fucking, women get fucked” – by which she meant that simply having vaginal sex on a consensual basis was an act of upholding patriarchal power dynamics. Thus, a FemDom who allows a man to penetrate Her is releasing Her dominance.
It should be noted that Dworkin was a lesbian who was in love with (and life partners with) a gay man. So…not sure that is the basis of a healthy relationship.
I suspect some of this has to do with the fuzzy legality of various kinds of sex work in the USA and other places. For example, pornography is legal. You can fuck all day long for money as long as it’s on camera. But doing it behind closed doors? Prostitution, and illegal.
So, for an awful lot of people, the first experience they have with BDSM is a professional one. And many, if not most, professional kink providers avoid the technicalities of penetrative sex because of legal issues because they generally think it lands them a better chance of staying out of jail.
It’s a stupid line to have to walk, and I honestly don’t know how many bother to stay on one side of the line or other. But it certainly sets a precedent for modeled and expected behavior. Doubt it’s all of what’s going on, but it’s probably a part.
That makes a lot of sense. It drives me absolutely crazy that people can’t seem to tell the difference between a pro-dom and an amateur, though. And that the pros who don’t want to have sex with their clients feel forced to be the ‘bitchy ice-queen’ just to make it clear that sex is not on the table.
Confusion also comes in quite heavily when you are a Domme and you like sex and are also a masochist…
I like sex because it feels good and I like pain because it feels good…
I’m also partial to a blow job…. I have no intention of handing in my Dom card
That has got to be the biggest pain in the ass to explain to partners. I really wish more people understood that masochism has nothing to do with whether or not you like being in charge.
Ever since formalising our female-dominant marriage, my Mistress never performs fellatio on me. And never will forever.
We also practice sexual denial. I am allowed to ejaculate inside her a maximun of four times per year; I am not allowed to touch her intimately without permission, and I may see her in any degree of nudity only if and when she desires sexual service leading to her satisfaction. We also subscribe to a cuckold type of marriage. So she can enjoy with her lovers whatever type of sexual activites she desires. It works wonderfully for us. Keeps things fresh and keeps me in a continual state of both submission and lust for her. She is the woman I continually fantasize about having sex with. She loves the power and devoted attention and Inlove being the submissve to such a powerful woman.
While she does perform oral sex on lovers on occasion, she never again will with me. The primary reason is that we basically both are of the opinion that fellatio is a submissive act. This being the case, her performing fellatio on me would do much harm to the dynamic of our marriage.
So, yes, whether fellatio is or is not a “submissive” act does indeed depend on attitude and context. Because of our beliefs, and in the context of our relationship, it is a big no-no.
You have given me a new perspective.
“Intent is far more important than the action being taken”
I have earlier regarded certain sex acts as more dominant or more submissive. As an example I don’t really feel dominated when I’m taking my woman from behind or when she is giving me a blowjob. Now when I think about this, after reading your post, I realize that that’s all in my own head, it’s more the case that those images don’t fit into my own fantasies.
From now on I will focus my thoughts on her being in charge, us doing what she want’s, just because she it’s to her liking. In this aspect I agree, it’s still her being dominant.
My wife is professional domme. In the beginning we had sex. She felt shame and very sad after doing sex with me (submissive). Then we stopped to do sex. About 7 years we don’t do any sex. She is happy with dominant men for doing sex.