Why yes, I have totally given up on numbering these 🙂
I’ve seen a lot of guys worry about being the perfect submissive or whether they’re doing submission right. Considering how many manchildren there are out there who never give a second thought to whether they’re actually good at submission it’s kind of adorable, but I still want those guys to relax. If you’re worried about whether you’re doing submission right, I have one simple message for you:
THERE IS NO UNIVERSAL PERFECT SUB CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
There is literally no way whatsoever for you to be perfect for everyone so just relax. What matters is being the best “you” you can be, not trying to twist yourself into knots to be perfect for a huge group of people who all want different things.
Using myself as an example, my ideal sub would be terrible for someone else. I’ve said this a lot and i’m getting a little worried i’m boring all of you, but still: I love anticipatory service and am very low protocol. Other women hate anticipatory service and love giving orders and having rituals and slave positions and stuff. Their perfect sub would irritate the shit out of me. Take some fucking initiative! I’ve got shit to do besides order you around!
Someone who’s really into obedience on the other hand, would be thinking: “Stop it! if I wanted you to do something for me I’d fucking tell you, stop trying to push tea/snacks/a book/whatever on me!” if they tried to have a relationship with the perfect sub for me.
Do you see how there is no “perfect submissive” for everyone? There’s only a really great submissive for that one special woman. For fuck’s sake guys, the idea that there could possibly be “a perfect submissive” depends on women being a hive mind. Do I have to get into how much I fucking hate it when men act like all women are interchangeable?
Imagine if dominant women assumed all submissive guys wanted exactly the same thing just because they’re male and submissive. You’d hate it! Not all guys like pain! Not all guys like humiliation! Not all guys like bondage! Not all guys like needles! Not all guys like getting orders! Not all guys like exhaustively learning all of their doms preferences so she never has to give you an order! If you’re a person, for fucks sake do me the courtesy of assuming I’m a person too.
To be fair, there are douchebags of all genders who will tell you you’re not submissive because you don’t share their tastes. While there is certainly something to be said for figuring out which side of the sometimes very fine line between submissive and bottom you’re actually on, those people are usually assholes you shouldn’t listen to. There are about a zillion ways to submit and all of them are just right for the right dom. If you actually care about what your dom wants and enjoy giving her control, even over limited parts of your life, congrats, you’re a real sub.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: guys, you’re probably fine the way you are.
Who cares what submissive men want and is it even a mans choice to be submissive. If a woman can dominate a man he has little choice over how she does it. The really funny thing about being a man and being dominated is that he may not realize that he is a submissive until he is told the cold truth or suffers for being lippy.
What on earth makes you think your fantasy land bullshit is interesting or relevant? I’m talking about real relationships with real people here, not about the story you made up to jerk off to.
Submissive men are PEOPLE and have just as much right to have needs and wants and preferences as any dominant person. If your dom (actual real life human being, not the fantasy that gets your dick hard) doesn’t care about your preferences at all, you’re with an asshole and need to run.
Preferences matter. If to be submissive meant blindly following another’s desires and giving up all of your own needs, wants, inclinations and personality, then submissives could have tremendously fulfilling relationships with any random person. All they’d need to do is figure out what this person wants in a partner and become that partner. Do you imagine that working out well?
Try the same approach in a d/s relationship and I’d imagine it would end up equally disastrously, since:.
a) a lot of what makes us who we are is either hard-wired, or just very, very hard to change. Changing a fundamental kink or belief about how a relationship should be would take months or years if there’s even a possibility it could be changed. During that period you’re going to be a pretty shitty sub if the difference is something fundamental to your partner, because…
b) humans, even subs, have finite amounts of time and energy. Any time and energy devoted to changing some aspect of your behaviour or outlook results in less time and energy available to do the things that would be of immediate benefit to your partner.
c) the fantasy ideal is that the dom can correct the behaviour through a combination of their sheer perfection as divine, shining, PVC-wrapped entities, and extensive physical punishment using a vast array of expensive implements held in a leather-lined basement. I don’t know about you, but that seems to me like the dominant partner is getting the shitty end of the stick. They have to always fit some kind of idealised vision of perfection, learn how to use all these various implements, and then spend ages implementing exhausting physical correction *that may not be getting them off at that moment in time* (if at all). All so they can “correct” an aspect of the sub’s nature that wouldn’t really be an issue if the sub had been more attentive to their own character and needs.
d) this is the most important one: if you’re with someone whose fundamental ideas of what a good relationship are don’t match yours, you’re going to be having a shitty relationship. Full stop. You’ll be regularly sniping at each other, lapsing into passive-aggression, and eventually the whole thing will fall apart. You can have some mismatch and work through it if you have a clear understanding of the differences (which comes from reading widely), and the ability to communicate clearly and respectfully, but the more differences there are the harder it’s going to be and the less likely it will be that it will work out.
Ultimately it comes down to this, if you don’t actually think about what it is you’re looking for in a relationship and put it all on the other person, odds are you’re going to be a sub who is occasionally stressed, often not fun to be around and high maintenance. There’s very, very few people who would be happy being the dominant partner in that relationship. Basically, the better you know yourself, the better you can be for another.
Oh yeah, and one final thing that just occurred to me: if you want to figure out how to truly understand another person and be the best, most responsive meeter of their needs, it’s going to be pretty hard to do so if you can’t even do it for yourself.
Holy crap, that is an amazing point. Someone who refuses to understand themselves can’t very well understand anyone else.
Exactly! There’s just no way to make a relationship work if the s-type isn’t getting their needs met – nobody is so much of a saint that they wouldn’t eventually get cranky and passive-aggressive.
That is such a good comment it’s practically a guest post. I don’t really have anything to add besides “yeah, that!”