More is always better, right?

Just like there are people who think that having control over more parts of their submissive’s life, or memorizing more slave positions or having more elaborate protocols means they’re somehow more dominant, there are people who think more extreme or harder play somehow makes them more kinky, or better at being kinky.

So we’re clear, that’s all total bullshit. Even if we could measure and compare how dominant people are in any meaningful way, it wouldn’t fucking matter. What matters is whether you enjoy your power exchange, not whether some random dickbag thinks you’re domly enough. Same with how intense your play is. If pushing your limits, challenging your friends, or wowing a crowd is what does it for you, great! If you’re doing especially showy, intense play because you have something to prove, why bother? Isn’t kink supposed to be about getting your desires met, not going along with what everyone tells you about what you’re supposed to like?

Not only is it kind of sad and pointless to play for other people instead of for your own joy, but judging people’s play by your standards of intensity is just fucking stupid. For an experienced needle bottom, taking three needles is probably nothing. For a life-long needle-phobe, those three needles may be more intense than a beating that leaves them black and blue. For someone who has only just started to accept that he’s kinky, three needles might be scarier than the thought of picking up and moving across the country. If you aren’t intimately familiar with everyone involved in a scene, there’s no way you can accurately judge how intense it is for them.

Given that judging how intense other people’s play is basically impossible and would still be totally pointless even if it was possible, why do we still do it? I think it’s just the nature of social animals to compete for social standing. We all want to impress the people around us, we all want to be one of the cool kids, and it’s easier to wow people with a flashy suspension than it is to wow them with the emotional intensity of a subtle, psychological scene.

However, just because it’s natural doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it. It’s natural for me to be extremely irritable when my blood sugar gets too low, but that doesn’t give me a free pass to say whatever I want to people when I’m hungry. Instead of just talking about the flashy, obviously intense scenes (which I’m just as guilty of as anyone), let’s talk about the fun, lighthearted scenes too. And the quiet, intimate scenes, and the scenes where it’s not necessarily obvious that the players are pushing their limits. If we want people to stop thinking that the more extreme you are the better, we have to stop acting like that’s the only way to get attention.

3 thoughts on “More is always better, right?

  1. I totally agree with this. I am guilty of being impressed at someone swinging a whip. That is amazing to me. But I can’t submit to just any dom, regardless of whether they can swing a whip like an expert or not. I wouldn’t sleep with just any person so why should I be on my knees just because someone says they are in charge?!

    I am very submissive, but only for the person who inspires my submission. I think its un acceptable when I just learn someone’s name and they automaticly want to know what I will do for them. “Nothing douche bag” is what I want to say. What I actually do is change the subject or block them.

    If you wouldn’t ask an attractive lady in the grocery line what her favorite sexual possition is, then why on earth would you ask about a person’s fettishes as soon as you message them?!

    Its inapropriate. I want to be asked what my favorite food is, or how my day went before I discuss what I want behind closed doors. I’m consistantly called un-submissive for having these standards. I’m also not a very good submissive because I’m a masochist. I’m not very masochistic if I’m not with a stone cold sadist either. AS IF!

    This lifestyle has way too much snobbery sometimes. I’m a down home type girl and look like I’m the girl next door. God forbid I show up at a munch comfy in a nice shirt and jeans. Since when was it a crime not to wake up in the morning and wear stilletoes?

    And why on earth do so many people say douchey things like “I too, would like some milk” or “I have many floggers”. Did I trip and fall into a bad victorian movie?!

    Well kinksters I have a lot of floggers and I want milk too!
    I’m a what you see is what youy get kinda girl and sorry but I don’t talk like that and don’t pretend to be something I’m not. And I’m still identifying myself as a masochistic submissive. If I’m not your brand of masochist or submissive, well “don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya” as my red necked buddies like to say.

    Good post Stabbity. Loved It!

  2. I freely admit to enjoying compliments and attention post-scene. I especially enjoy the way dominant men, when they see me repeatedly getting kicked in the balls, grab their crotches and slowly back away. But those compliments and attention aren’t why I play publicly. I’m not an exhibitionist. I do it because it’s hot, and I do it because it’s a safer way to play with someone I don’t know well (as opposed to going back to my place or theirs.) But it seems a lot of people do play for attention.

    I strongly prefer private play over public. Not only is it more personal, but I also don’t have to worry about being distracted by other people. Plus I can take more in private for some reason. Especially if I’m being pushed hard or trying something new, private is so much better.

    Excellent point about not judging others by our own standards. We all play on different levels and enjoy different things. What gets me hot might bore another and be a limit for someone else.

  3. “there are people who think more extreme or harder play somehow makes them more kinky, or better at being kinky”

    That is so sad. What are we engaged in here? The kink Olympics with medals of gold, silver, and bronze? Fuck that for a game of cards.

    I’m involved in a wonderful long-distance connection with a lovely domme with whom I have so much in common outside kink that it’s frightening. OK so our chances of a RL meeting are minimal (she being 6000km away and all), but I get really pissed off when I read people on Fetlife engaging in kink snobbery, and implying it’s not the real deal.

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