How to get responses on Fetlife

Maybe if I title a post with the exact search string I saw in my stats, people will read it 🙂 A lot of this advice is going to sound familiar if you’ve already read my post how to make friends on fetlife for the hard of thinking, but in the spirit of the holidays this post is going to be a bit gentler of a guide to getting responses to your fetlife (or collarspace or okcupid or whatever social network or personals site you choose to message people on) messages. Merry Christmas, I’m going to teach you how to get responses to your messages!

Disclaimer: this guide is aimed at submissive men who are interested in dominant women. Some of it might be helpful if you’re not a straight submissive guy, and I hope it will, but at least some of it is going to be irrelevant.

My very first tip is going to be a little bit frustrating, but seriously, it will save you misery in the long run. That tip is to wait! Do not message people in late December or early January, they are busy, you will not get good results. In general, don’t expect quick replies around major holidays – I wouldn’t message someone in the US around the time of their thanksgiving either. People aren’t being jerks by not replying or replying very slowly, it’s just that stuff is more likely to fall through the cracks when they’re already very busy and if you want good results, you’ve got to set people up for success.

Speaking of which, it’s a lot easier to get a response if you give the person you’ve messaged something to work with. Granted I overthink things like it’s my job, but even with people who can just dash off a message without editing it repeatedly it’s only going to help if you make it easy for them to figure out what to say in reply. Mention something you have in common, ask them a question about something in their profile (but NOT about their kinks/fetishes) or something in their writings or something on their blog/website if they have one or something they said in a group you’re both members of. Questions are easy to answer and common interests make it easy to reply with stuff like “Oh you’re a fan of ___ too? Did you see/hear/play their latest movie/album/game?”

I do have to stress that you should NOT ask any questions about a person’s kinks in the first message. You can literally never go wrong by treating someone like a person first. There will be lots of time later to talk about kinks if you even turn out to like each other, and if you don’t end up liking each other than there’s really no point talking about kinks. Yes, you could make the argument that if a certain kink is an absolute must have for you and you’re not interested in a relationship that doesn’t involve that kink then you should bring it up right away so as not to waste time on a woman who won’t make your dick happy, but you would only make that argument if you were a jackass who deserves to stay lonely so don’t do it. If you only want to get to know someone if she’s willing to make your dick happy, you don’t actually want to get to know her. Bonus tip: being interested in a particular kink in general tells you absolutely nothing about her willingness to do that thing with you.

Another note about asking someone a question: you are going to have to read their profile or something else they’ve written to figure out what to ask about. Of course, you should have done that anyway because you’re not just messaging people at random, right? You know, that deserves its own paragraph at least.

The single biggest thing you can do get responses to your messages on any social network or dating site is to choose people who might possibly want to hear from you! Do not message people at random, that’s a waste of everyone’s time. Do not message people because their pictures made you feel funny in your pants, that’s a waste of everyone’s time. Do not message people because they’re a woman who lives within a hundred miles of you, that’s a waste of everyone’s time.

Do message people because you’ve read their profile/blog/writings/posts and comments in discussions/anything else they’ve written and the two of you actually have something in common and they seem to be open to hearing from strangers and are interested in people of your gender (if you’re messaging them because you want to play and/or date). Particularly in the case of fetlife, many people have profiles just to keep up with friends or participate in groups and are very clear about that. If you read their profile first, you will not embarrass yourself and waste everyone’s time by bothering someone who doesn’t want to hear from you. There are people who have things in common with you and are interested in people like you, the best thing you can do for your reply rate is to message them, not people you have nothing in common with.

Something I see a lot of questions about is how to address someone in the first message. This is another reason you want to read their profile carefully – if someone really likes being called Domina, for example, she might say so on her profile. If there aren’t any clues like that (which is not at all unusual, don’t feel like a failure because you couldn’t find a clue that wasn’t there), just use her screen name. No reasonable human being is going to be mad that you called them what they chose to call themselves.

And finally, context! Don’t forget about context! By that I mean, I and probably lots of other dominant women look at messages from people in the context of their profile. If you send me a great message but your pictures are a weird little shrine to your dick (or god forbid, your avatar is a dickpic), your odds of getting a response just tanked. Same if your profile and/or pictures are all about what you want done to you or your fetish list is twice as long as your profile. When I’m deciding whether or not to reply to a message, I think about whether I’m likely to get treated like a person or like a malfunctioning vending machine. If your profile makes me think that you’re likely to treat me like a malfunctioning vending machine (you know that stupid shit some guys do where they tell you what they want, then you try to start a conversation, then they tell you what they want again as if you’re a vending machine that just didn’t register that they pressed B5 already?) if I don’t immediately hand out the kink you want, you’re not getting a reply.

This is another one of those “choose people who might possibly want to hear from you!” things. Look at the profile of the person you want to message and compare how much time you spend talking about your kinks on your profile versus how much time she does. If your ratios of directly kinky stuff versus who you are as a person and what you want in a relationship are completely different, that’s a clue you might not be compatible.

Finally, on the subject of compatibility: messaging someone and getting a reply or not means nothing about your worth as a person. At worst all it means is that you’re not compatible with them, and it might only mean that they were busy or on vacation or got sick or even just lost track of time (er, not that I would ever do such a thing :). I know rejection sucks, nobody is saying it doesn’t, but it’s not about whether you’re fundamentally unloveable.

Think of it this way, if you go out to an Italian restaurant and don’t like it because you’d rather have Thai, that doesn’t mean you hate the chef or think they’re a terrible person who should never cook again, it just means you like Thai food better. If you send a respectful message to someone you have things in common with and don’t get a reply, all it means is that you offered them Italian when they were in the mood for Thai.

Readers, do you have any more tips for sending messages that actually get replies?

“why every women should try femdom”

Somebody found my blog by searching for “why every women should try femdom” and if they weren’t disappointed already, they sure will be now 🙂

Every woman should most certainly not try femdom. If you’re already curious or at least undecided one way or the other, sure, by all means give it a shot. But if you already know that’s not for you, then you should in no way feel obligated to waste your time doing something you know you won’t like.

Sure, in general I think trying stuff is a good way to find new stuff you really enjoy, but that absolutely does not mean people should try stuff they know they aren’t into. Trying shit out is for stuff you don’t know if you’ll like, stuff you’re willing to try because your partner really likes it, stuff you just never thought about doing and don’t have a strong opinion about one way or the other. It’s not for stuff that actively turns you off.

If anyone out there is getting hassled to try stuff they don’t fucking want to, you officially have my permission to not do it. If your partner won’t knock it the fuck off, send them here and I’ll straighten them out. I’m just so goddamn tired of hearing about women being pressured to fulfill every last one of their male partners’ fantasies as if they’re nothing more than malfunctioning sex toys. Everyone – women in particular, but this applies to everyone – you don’t have to do anything kinky if you don’t fucking want to.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re open-minded.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re good, giving, and game.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re not a prude.

You don’t have to do it to prove you’re not boring.

You don’t have to do it because your partner thinks you owe him.

YOU DON’T FUCKING HAVE TO.

No, every woman should NOT try femdom. Women should try what they’re personally interested in and comfortable trying. Saying every woman should try femdom is saying “I don’t care what she enjoys, I just want her to make my dick happy.”

Kink in public: keep it to yourself, asshole

Honestly, just go read this excellent tumblr post, I really don’t have that much to add.

If you absorb nothing else from that post, take this one thing: those people going about their day in public DID NOT CONSENT TO BEING PART OF YOUR SCENE.

I’m not saying that you can’t ever do anything the tiniest bit kinky if you’re not behind multiple locked doors, just that you need to not be a complete fucking asshole about it. It’s not doing something kinky outside of your house that’s the problem, it’s involving non-consenting people in your scene like a gross fucking creeper.

It’s really not the point of this post, but there are plenty of ways to subtly enjoy your kink in public without anyone else ever knowing about it. Think about it for a couple of seconds or google it if you need to. Here’s a hint: code words are really handy.

If you’re not willing to put any thought at all into doing kinky stuff quietly in a way no one else would notice, then can you please just fucking admit that you’re only doing stuff in public to freak out non-consenting vanilla people who are just trying to get through their days? To be clear, you’d still be an asshole if you did admit you just like freaking out the vanillas but at least you’d be an honest asshole.

And don’t start with the “oh noes ur kinkshaming!” bullshit. Kink involves consenting adults only. If you involve people without their consent, you’re just an asshole. Stop pretending you’re special and you’re tooOooOOOoo kinky to keep it to yourself, we all know the truth. Knock that shit off you tacky little brat.

While I’m at it, putting kinky picture online is fine, but for shits sake don’t tag them in a way that means people having a shitty day and looking for a little distraction can’t safely browse, say, the kitten tag (scroll through the results long enough and it’ll just make you sad). If there’s kink or nudity in your picture, tag it properly it’s not that fucking hard what the fuck is wrong with people. Non-kinky people exist and shouldn’t have kink shoved in their faces when they’re looking for cute pictures of kittens. And even kinky people like me sometimes just want to see cute pictures of kittens too, what is so fucking terrible about that?

One final point: don’t be a white person with dreadlocks. Just don’t.

 

Bonus spite: more music

Why? Because I can 🙂

What kind of sorcery makes a fucking recorder sound good?! For those who’ve been spared the misery, a recorder is a terrible wind instrument given to small children to make awful high pitched squeaking noises until a nearby adult snaps and hides it forever.

This is how you make a song with few and repetitive lyrics actually sound good. Serena Ryder, I hope you’re taking notes. Stompa was so good, how did you fuck up so badly with got your number?

Normally I hate remixes but this one is actually really good.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for ages, now you will too >:)

Just listen to everything REZZ has ever done, she is fucking amazing.

 

How to arrange a gangbang as if you’re a fucking grownup

Not so long ago some stupid creepy fuck in my area posted a personal ad that convinced multiple people he was trying to get some poor girl raped. That creepy fuck fucked up so badly that I very strongly and very bluntly agreed with someone I can’t stand just to have a chance of protecting someone from that loathsome asshole.

On the upside, there is something we can learn from Creepy McRapester and his creepy, rapey thread. But first, a bit of a disclaimer:

It is OK to fantasize about being the subject of a gang bang. It is OK to get off on it. It is OK to plan to actually do it. It is OK to go through with that plan. It is OK to be super fucking turned on by anonymous sex. Absolutely none of that makes you a bad person or in any way means you could ever possibly under any circumstances deserve to be harmed.

What’s not okay is to so profoundly fuck up your planning that it’s a near certainty that someone will get raped. To be absolutely 100% clear: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO RISK RAPING SOMEONE FOR A SCENE. NO SCENE IS THAT IMPORTANT. NEGOTIATE IN PERSON LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING GROWNUP YOU STUPID FUCK.

Okay, we’re all on the same page now, right?

If you want to set up a gang bang or abduction scene (or a two in one), it is simply not that complicated. Oh, here’s another disclaimer: I have never done this and probably never will. However, I have the vaguest hint of a concept of common sense which is really all you need to make sure nobody gets raped – yes, gangbangs are never perfectly risk free but neither is having a shower. Seriously, it is not that fucking complicated.

First of all, the gold standard of consent is to talk with the bang-ee IN PERSON. You absolutely must be able to identify the person who wants to be surprise gang-banged WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. IF THERE IS ANY DOUBT WHAT-SO-FUCKING-EVER DO NOT RAPE HER. You absolutely must be absolutely certain about what she wants to happen, what she doesn’t want to happen, when it should happen, where it should happen, how to tell if she’s not having fun anymore, who to call if she’s not having fun anymore, how to tell she if is having fun, and for shits sake you had better fucking know what her safeword is.

Okay, but maybe her fantasy is to not know who is coming for her. Again, wanting that does not make her a bad person.

And again, it’s really fucking simple (not easy, but simple) to do this safely. First, she needs someone she can trust absolutely. This should be someone she has known for multiple years and played with many times. This person should then look for people they have known for multiple years and have watched play many times and above all, people whose former partners have good things to say about them. False accusations are near-universally bullshit – you are more likely to win the lottery than be falsely accused of rape, you are more likely to die of alcohol poisoning than to be falsely accused or rape, you are more likely to be killed by an asteroid or comet than you are to be falsely accused of rape, you are more likely to become an NFL player than be falsely accused of rape, and finally, men, you are 82-MOTHERFUCKING-THOUSAND TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE RAPED YOURSELF THAN TO BE FALSELY ACCUSED OF RAPE. So let’s not pretend false rape accusations are a thing – if your ex partners accuse you of assaulting them, it’s probably because you fucking assaulted them. If you’re arranging a gangbang for someone you presumably care about, why the shit would you take any unnecessary risks? Choose people you know are safe goddammit.

Once you find these people who you have known for years and have vetted the shit out of (convince your female friends you will believe ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING they tell you, then ask them for the real dirt on every one of those guys. Women share all kinds of things with each other that they don’t bother to tell men because it’s not worth the hassle of explaining to some douchebag that no, a short skirt does not mean you’re asking for it what the fuck is even wrong with people), you talk with them in excruciating detail about what your friend wants to happen, what she doesn’t want to happen, when it should happen, where it should happen, how to tell if she’s not having fun anymore, who to call if she’s not having fun anymore, how to tell she if is having fun, and what her safeword is.

Sure, the longer you’ve known all of those men the more likely your friend who wants a gangbang has met some or all of them, which does kinda ruin the anonymity part. That’s kinda just too fucking bad. If anonymity is that important, wear a fucking mask. Or cultivate a deep years long friendship with someone who lives in another city, and have him recruit people from his circle of friends who he has known for even more years and trusts absolutely.

Note that I have not mentioned recruiting total fucking strangers as an option because that’s fucking idiotic. The best case scenario is a totally unacceptable risk of the gangbang-ee getting raped, and the worst case scenario is a near certainty of her getting raped. DON’T FUCKING DO IT. What kind of worthless asshole takes a stranger’s word that that girl over there who he has never talked with in person totally wants to be ambushed and gangbanged, no for really real, she totally does? Get back in your dumpster where you belong and never touch another human being again.

While arranging a gangbang is never risk free, it is simply not that complicated to minimize the risk of the gangbangee getting hurt. It is totally okay to want to be gangbanged or to be part of gangbanging someone, but it is absolutely not okay to fuck it up to the point where you convince multiple people that you are trying to get someone raped. GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

Dealbreakers

Why yes, I read this post by Ferrett ages ago and am only just now getting around to blogging about it 🙂 The gist of it is that if it comes up naturally, he’s going to talk about how great his other partners are and if that’s a problem for you then you shouldn’t date him.

That seems pretty reasonable, right? I mean, if you never want to hear about your partner’s other partners, wouldn’t you want to know that this new guy is likely to squee about his partners before you get attached? That’s why I was surprised by the amount of pushback in the comments. According to a bunch of people, it’s terrible to warn people about stuff that might be a dealbreaker for them before they even start dating you. Yeah, I’m confused too.

Using myself as an example, I swear a lot (which I’m sure comes as a terrible shock to my regular readers). Even if I were willing to rein that in for a friend or play partner (which I’m not, but that’s a separate issue), they would have to accept that I would occasionally fuck it up. If you don’t like to hear any swearing at all, I am simply not the right person to spend time with. Now, if I waited until you were attached to me to spring that on you, that would be a dick move at best and coercive at worst. But if I tell you right up front that I often swear, now you can make an informed decision about whether to spend time around me.

I fully understand that some people don’t like swearing and they have every right to decide what kind of language they want in their life. I’m still not willing to change the way I talk. If you don’t want to hear any swear words, we’re just incompatible. That seems pretty important to know up front and that’s really all Ferret’s doing. He’s not saying “thou shalt tolerate me gushing about my other partners whether thou likest it or not!” he’s saying “This is how I behave on dates. Keep it in mind when you decide whether or not to date me.”

My best guess is that what people were really freaking out about was Ferrett’s refusal to change his behaviour. I can kinda sorta maybe see the argument that not gushing about your other partners shouldn’t be that hard to do for somebody you like enough to date, but it’s fucking exhausting to watch what you say all the time. Either way, that’s who Ferrett is and it’s kind of a dick move to tell people they can’t be who they naturally are because some theoretical future partner might not like it.

Lots of people are incompatible with each other for all sorts of reasons, I just don’t see what’s such a big deal about that. And you know, I wish more people were that open and honest about stuff they do that’s not going to change. I mean, how many awful sad stories have you read about people who’s partners told them they could change, only to slowly and painfully figure out that actually they couldn’t change and eventually that killed the relationship? Kinky guys who thought they could ignore it, I’m looking at you. Seriously, if someone tells you about an issue that’s a dealbreaker for you before you even start dating them, that’s a fucking gift and you should be grateful, not pissy. Blunt discussions of dealbreakers forever!

Readers, how do you feel about dealbreakers? Would you rather hear about them before you get attached or do you want a chance to get to know people and make decisions on a case by case basis?

Is kink inherently sexual?

No.

 

Okay, that’s a pretty boring post on its own, I guess I could elaborate 🙂

Credit where it’s due, this post is inspired by an email from a reader ages and ages ago that I obsessed about until it had been so long since I got the email that it would just be weird if I finally replied. If you’re still out there reader, this is for you and I’m sorry I’m kind of a fuckup 🙂

Anyway, for some people, kink is sexual. For other people, it’s not. I kind of don’t understand how this is even a question because obviously kinky asexual people exist, so there’s definitely something going on there besides sexual turn-ons.

If you say that kink is inherently sexual for absolutely everyone, you’re being an asshole. Other people, asexual or not, can have very different experiences (I swear Andrea Zanin once wrote a post about how she discovered that non-sexual kink was still satisfying to her after a health issue made it painful to do anything sexual, but fucked if I can find it again). Just because you like things one way doesn’t mean everyone else does.

I mean, how is this even news if you’ve graduated from kindergarten? I can’t stand cilantro (it tastes like soapy green death to me), but I understand that other people love the stuff. I need large amounts of time to be left alone to play videogames or otherwise screw around on the internet, but I understand that other people need to be around people. I love fall, other people love summer, I love genre fiction, other people love non-fiction, I write a blog, many other people don’t even like reading them, etc, etc. It’s not any sort of surprise that different people like different things outside of kink, so why are we pretending it’s a surprise that different people like different things inside of kink?

Even if kink is sexual for you, that doesn’t mean you can’t also have fun doing not-explicitly-sexual stuff. For me kink is closely tied to my sexuality, but I still enjoy the hell out of playing with other women (I’m straight, in case that never came up) in a non-sexual way. Honestly, women are great to play with – I enjoy reactions no matter which gender of person they come from, and women are fucking great at recognizing that I’m a person too and not pushing to make the scene purely about what gets them off.

There’s just something deeply satisfying for me about getting to beat on someone. Pain noises are great and I enjoy those too, and obviously I’d feel like an asshole if my partner wasn’t getting anything out of the scene, but there’s something else, some nonsexual thing that I’m not sure I can describe, that I get out of topping. It’s a bit like having had a really great meal, where you got just what you were craving and now you don’t need any more.

Just like kink isn’t fundamentally about sex, it’s not fundamentally about pain either (although some jerks certainly do have trouble with that concept). For some people it’s not even about their connection with their partner, which is bizarre to me because if I don’t have some kind of connection with the person I’m playing with I just can’t be bothered. Other people aren’t exactly like me and that’s fine, we don’t have to play together if we’re not compatible.

Play how you want to play, and absolutely say no to things that don’t work for you, but please, be a fucking grownup about it. Just because kink is sexual for you doesn’t mean it’s sexual for everyone.

Guys, no woman will ever care about your dick as much as you do

I’ve been planning this post for a while, and recently I ran into yet another post by some guy with a small dick who is utterly obsessed with it. Not even the same post that original inspired this blog post, a completely separate sad bastard who is completely obsessed with his dick inspired me to finally finish off this post and publish it.

Men, I come to you with a message of hope. This message is: no woman will ever ever ever care about your dick as much as you do.

No really, we don’t fucking care about your dick.

We. Do. Not. Care.

Fiiiine, there is such a thing as a size queen. Who gives a shit about that?  Toys exist. Strapons for people with penises exist. Penis extenders exist! If a woman is interested in a particular physical sensation, it’s not that fucking hard to get it. If she’s strictly looking for casual sex, then she might have less patience for finding just the right combination of toy & person, but on the other hand, she might be really fucking tired of men who think all they have to do is wave the almighty penis at her and she’ll have orgasm after orgasm. Size absolutely does not trump technique.

Not to mention, if the only thing a woman cares about is the size of the appendage she’s pretty fucking likely to go straight to come as you are (for example) and not bother talking with you. If she’s looking for an actual human person who can snuggle, bring her soup when she has a cold, and tell her she’s great, there are obviously things she’s looking before besides the size of your dick.

The majority of women do not give two shits about the size of your dick. You have heard that most women DO NOT ORGASM from penis-in-vagina sex, right? For most (MOST, the vast majority most) of us, it’s about oral, manual, and vibrators. Your dick is simply not that important. There are so many other ways to get us off if that’s what you actually care about. No seriously, having a small dick is never ever EVER an excuse not to try to get your partner off. If your tongue works, fucking use that. If at least one of your hands works, fucking use that. If you have any body part you can rub against her clitoris (and possibly her vulva too), do that! If you don’t have any cooperative body parts at the moment, tell her a sexy story or tell her how goddamn hot she is while she gets herself off. If being told what to do turns her on, then run with that! Tell her what to do, when to do it, and when to stop >:)

Remember: mouth, fingers, toys! There are so many – SO MANY – ways to get a woman off, having a small dick does not matter in the slightest,.

And you know, if you have enough control of your body to communicate your unspeakably boring obsession with your dick, you have the ability to fucking listen to what I like and tell me a sexy goddamn story at the very very least. Don’t pretend you are unable to get a woman off when what’s really happening is you’re too fucking lazy to try and have eroticized that fact.

What gets you in trouble is absolutely not the size of your dick. What gets you in trouble (that is, what scares off women who would otherwise have been delighted to hop into bed with you) is being completely and obviously obsessed with the size of your dick. That’s boring as fuck. I cannot overstate how dull an obsession with the size of your dick is. I don’t caaaaaaaaaaaaare about your goddamn dick. I care about whether you give a shit about getting me off. I care how sexy and loveable you make me feel.

Protip: you can’t make me feel attractive while you’re obsessing over your dick. Want to convince the woman you’re talking with that you don’t give a shit about her? Obsess about your dick. To be fair, a few women with poor boundaries and shitty self-esteem will try to fix you, but honestly most of us will hard pass on that shit. If you don’t like yourself, I can’t make you and I can’t be bothered to try. Look, I’ve got shit to do. Why would I waste my time on something I will never, ever succeed at?

If some asshole traumatized you over the size of your dick, that sucks and I’m sorry. I still can’t fix it. There is literally nothing whatsoever any woman can say that will make you feel good about your dick. You’ve got to work that shit out on your own time, none of us can fix that shit for you.

But back on the subject of how incredibly boring your obsession with your dick it, not only can you not make someone feel desirable while you freak out about how small your dick is, but you can’t be interesting while you’re obsessing over your dick either. I like to hear about people’s hobbies and interests when I’m getting to know them. I like to learn about what you care about, what you don’t, what you do for fun, what you never want to do again, what your perfect weekend would be like, what your favourite pub is (seriously, local readers, tell me which pub is your favourite), and you know, what you’re like as a human being.

Seriously, even if I’m just going to fuck them, I like to know there’s a human being in there who recognizes that I’m a human being too. I’ve personally never been into totally anonymous sex, I liked my friends with benefits to actually be my friends when we weren’t getting naked together.

I am not interested in anybody’s fixation on their dick, no matter what size said dick is. Even when I was single and looking to get laid, I did not fucking care about the size of a guy’s dick. What I cared about was whether he was likely to respect my boundaries and generally treat me like a person. If he could manage that, then the size of his dick simply did not matter. Even if he was just too large for me to deal with (I prefer not-too-long dicks, leave my cervix alone dammit), we would have been able to find something fun to do anyway as long as he saw me as a person.

So for the love of god, shut the fuck up about your dick. I promise you nobody else will ever ever ever care about your dick even 0.000000001% as much as you do. Your dick does not matter. There is no need to obsess about it. You are okay, the only problem is that you don’t believe that.

The magic word(s)

Some people online seem really fucking confused about how to not be an asshole. If you’re going to be one, at least do it on purpose. It’s just fucking sad when you go out and behave like a dick and then act surprised when people *gasp* think you’re a dick.

If you want to express an opinion or an idea without pissing people off, there are some really handy magic words you can use:

“In my opinion”, “In my experience”, “Personally”, “In my relationship”, “What I’m interested in is”, “What I enjoy is”, “What I’m not interested in is”, “What I like is”, “What I don’t like is”, “What I’m looking for is”, “What personally works for me is”, “What doesn’t work for me is”, etc, etc. You should be seeing a theme here 🙂

And that’s if you have to say anything at all. sometimes you don’t have anything worthwhile to add and should keep quiet. To give an example, some jerk said in a thread on fetlife a while ago that he didn’t think play that wasn’t painful even counted as BDSM. You will not be surprised to hear that he was sharply corrected by a number of people, and then whined and cried about what meaniepants poopyheads we all were.

Here’s a jerk to non-jerk translation of basically the same idea:

jerk: painless play isn’t BDSM

non-jerk: I’m not interested in painless play

even better non jerk option: [silence]

If the thread is about feeling like you’re not a real dom because you don’t want to beat people black and blue, saying that you’re not interested in painless kink really isn’t adding anything. The discussion just isn’t about that, which makes your whining about your lack of interest in non-pain play boring at best and makes you look like a jerk with terrible reading comprehension at worst.

Or for another example:

jerk: female doms don’t exist because I can’t find any!

non-jerk: I’m having trouble finding a dom, am I doing something wrong?

even non-jerk option: reading the goddamn stickies like a fucking grownup

I am so bored of people whining that dominant women don’t exist in a group titled Submissive men and women who love them. I totally fucking love people telling me I don’t exist, that’s definitely going to make me want to play with them. I understand feeling frustrated, but straight up saying you don’t think dominant women exist because you suck at finding us is going to endear you to precisely no one. Plus it makes you look stupid, which, shockingly enough, is not attractive.

If you just swap out absolute statements for statements about yourself, your relationships, and your personal preferences, magically you’ll stop sounding like a dick! Because everyone has a different thoughts, feelings, and theories about BDSM, it’s very very easy to be completely fucking wrong about what BDSM fundamentally is. What BDSM is for you is simply not what it is for other people, how is this a surprise? Everybody has different kinks, only a total jackass would assume their kinks are so special that they’re universal.

On the other hand, it’s very hard to be completely fucking wrong about what you personally enjoy, and it’s pretty fucking hard to argue that you don’t like the stuff you like. Tada! If you just talk about yourself and what works in your relationship, it’s pretty hard to argue with that! People can totally say your personal choices are stupid and likely to make you unhappy in the long run, but they can’t say you like stuff you just said you didn’t. It’s generally pretty hard to argue that you’re an asshole for having preferences, too. There’s certainly some nuance there, but you really can’t tell someone they’re wrong to enjoy pain play (or not enjoy pain play) without looking like a total asshole.

Basically, when you make sweeping judgments about how other people do kink, you’re going to look like a jackass. If you’re talking about yourself, talk about yourself.

Fail

You were linked here because you suck and that’s sad. More specifically, you sent a shitty message that is not worth typing up a response to just for you, but the person who sent you this link wants you to know how you fucked up in case there’s any chance you’re capable of learning. Or more likely, they want to feel like they’ve done their duty to attempt to educate your dumb ass, even though it’s very likely a lost cause.

You have failed at one or more of the following:

  • Shitty one line message. Why message me in the first place if you have absolutely nothing to say?
  • Replying to my attempt to clarify your shitty one line message with “I’m just looking to make friends” or some such pointless bullshit. Bitch, YOU messaged ME. If you have nothing to talk with me about, why the shit did you message me in the first place?
  • You included absolutely no information whatsoever about why you chose to message ME of all the people on fetlife. That means you messaged me solely because I have tits and live within a hundred miles of you. That is not flattering.
  • You called me by a title. My name is Stabbity, it’s right there are the top of my profile, dipshit.
  • You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.a: protip: if there are NO pictures of herself on a woman’s profile, DO NOT say you think she’s sexy.
  • You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.b: there is a section of my profile helpfully labelled “hard limits”. It says very clearly that I am monogamous and will not fuck you.
  • You sent me a form letter. Do you think I’m stupid? I can fucking tell it’s a form letter, you lazy fuck.
  • You proved you didn’t bother to read my personal ad – at the end of it I give the best way to contact me, which is not my fetlife profile.
  • You treated me like a fetish dispenser. I do not give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about what I could do to make your dick happy if you can’t be bothered to treat me like a human fucking being.
  • You treated me like your personal kinky wikipedia. Why no, total stranger, I will not tell you all of my deepest secrets just because you showed up and shat a one line message into my inbox.
  • You treated me like you’re placing an order at doms-r-us. You will treat me like a goddamn person or you will get blocked.
  • You clearly typed that message one handed with your other hand on your dick. Fuuuuuuuuuck oooooooooooffff.
  • You’re old enough to be my father. Since my profile does not specifically say I’m into much older men, you can safely assume I am NOT into sad bastards who are creeping on younger women because women their own age don’t fall for their shit.
  • Your profile says you’re a dom and your message said you wanted to “submit” (read: service top you to your exact specifications) to me. I have zero interest in being your dirty little secret.
  • You described yourself as an “alpha” anything. No. I am totally uninterested in people who think it’s shocking and amazing that they can be submissive and *gasp* not a complete doormat! At the same time!
  • You pulled that awful “worthless worm” bullshit. If you’re worthless, don’t waste me time by messaging me.
  • You started a scene without getting my consent. I am not your mistress, I am not your new owner, I am not interested in slashy speak, I am not interested in your female-supremacist fantasy (also fuck off with that bullshit). You will not talk to me as if we already have a d/s relationship.

I want to go into more detail about what treating me like a person means because so many of you fucking clowns don’t seem to get it. If you can’t make the wildly bizarre assumption that I have thoughts and feelings and goals and interests that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with making your dick happy, you deserve to die alone. And no, dumbshit, I am not on Fetlife because I want to hear about your dick. Dick is abundant and low value. I am on Fetlife because I like having nerdy discussions with other kinky people.

So many of you seem to think that just because I have a Fetlife profile (or a collarspace profile or whatever) that I am fundamentally for sex. “She’s on a sex site,” idiots think, “that means she wants dick! Any dick! Maybe even my dick! She couldn’t possibly have standards, she’s on a sex site that means she’s for sex!” No bitch. Even when I was single I had no interest in dumbshits who thought that the only thing they needed to know about me was that I had a profile on Fetlife. Why the fuck would I want to get naked with someone who was too stupid to realize that being kinky doesn’t magically obliterate the rest of my personality? You idiots seriously need to sort your madonna/whore complexes out.

It’s incredibly fucking easy to treat me like a person. I’ve only been writing on this blog since 20-fucking-11, there is goddamn well something here you can start a conversation about. I also go through bouts of commenting on Fetlife threads. Again, there’s goddamn well something you can say about that, even if it’s just “good comment, I thought you made an interesting point.” If you have no interest in any of the many, MANY things I’ve said online, why the fuck are you even messaging me?

Oh, that’s right, it’s because you’re personally disgusted by your own kink and want to deal with your terrible urges with some horrible loathesome pervert you don’t have to talk to or think about when she’s not actively making your dick happy. Then you can run away and pretend to be “normal” until the next time you slink back to one of those awful nasty kinky people.