Fail

You were linked here because you suck and that’s sad. More specifically, you sent a shitty message that is not worth typing up a response to just for you, but the person who sent you this link wants you to know how you fucked up in case there’s any chance you’re capable of learning. Or more likely, they want to feel like they’ve done their duty to attempt to educate your dumb ass, even though it’s very likely a lost cause.

You have failed at one or more of the following:

  • Shitty one line message. Why message me in the first place if you have absolutely nothing to say?
  • Replying to my attempt to clarify your shitty one line message with “I’m just looking to make friends” or some such pointless bullshit. Bitch, YOU messaged ME. If you have nothing to talk with me about, why the shit did you message me in the first place?
  • You included absolutely no information whatsoever about why you chose to message ME of all the people on fetlife. That means you messaged me solely because I have tits and live within a hundred miles of you. That is not flattering.
  • You called me by a title. My name is Stabbity, it’s right there are the top of my profile, dipshit.
  • You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.a: protip: if there are NO pictures of herself on a woman’s profile, DO NOT say you think she’s sexy.
  • You proved you didn’t read my profile 1.b: there is a section of my profile helpfully labelled “hard limits”. It says very clearly that I am monogamous and will not fuck you.
  • You sent me a form letter. Do you think I’m stupid? I can fucking tell it’s a form letter, you lazy fuck.
  • You proved you didn’t bother to read my personal ad – at the end of it I give the best way to contact me, which is not my fetlife profile.
  • You treated me like a fetish dispenser. I do not give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about what I could do to make your dick happy if you can’t be bothered to treat me like a human fucking being.
  • You treated me like your personal kinky wikipedia. Why no, total stranger, I will not tell you all of my deepest secrets just because you showed up and shat a one line message into my inbox.
  • You treated me like you’re placing an order at doms-r-us. You will treat me like a goddamn person or you will get blocked.
  • You clearly typed that message one handed with your other hand on your dick. Fuuuuuuuuuck oooooooooooffff.
  • You’re old enough to be my father. Since my profile does not specifically say I’m into much older men, you can safely assume I am NOT into sad bastards who are creeping on younger women because women their own age don’t fall for their shit.
  • Your profile says you’re a dom and your message said you wanted to “submit” (read: service top you to your exact specifications) to me. I have zero interest in being your dirty little secret.
  • You described yourself as an “alpha” anything. No. I am totally uninterested in people who think it’s shocking and amazing that they can be submissive and *gasp* not a complete doormat! At the same time!
  • You pulled that awful “worthless worm” bullshit. If you’re worthless, don’t waste me time by messaging me.
  • You started a scene without getting my consent. I am not your mistress, I am not your new owner, I am not interested in slashy speak, I am not interested in your female-supremacist fantasy (also fuck off with that bullshit). You will not talk to me as if we already have a d/s relationship.

I want to go into more detail about what treating me like a person means because so many of you fucking clowns don’t seem to get it. If you can’t make the wildly bizarre assumption that I have thoughts and feelings and goals and interests that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with making your dick happy, you deserve to die alone. And no, dumbshit, I am not on Fetlife because I want to hear about your dick. Dick is abundant and low value. I am on Fetlife because I like having nerdy discussions with other kinky people.

So many of you seem to think that just because I have a Fetlife profile (or a collarspace profile or whatever) that I am fundamentally for sex. “She’s on a sex site,” idiots think, “that means she wants dick! Any dick! Maybe even my dick! She couldn’t possibly have standards, she’s on a sex site that means she’s for sex!” No bitch. Even when I was single I had no interest in dumbshits who thought that the only thing they needed to know about me was that I had a profile on Fetlife. Why the fuck would I want to get naked with someone who was too stupid to realize that being kinky doesn’t magically obliterate the rest of my personality? You idiots seriously need to sort your madonna/whore complexes out.

It’s incredibly fucking easy to treat me like a person. I’ve only been writing on this blog since 20-fucking-11, there is goddamn well something here you can start a conversation about. I also go through bouts of commenting on Fetlife threads. Again, there’s goddamn well something you can say about that, even if it’s just “good comment, I thought you made an interesting point.” If you have no interest in any of the many, MANY things I’ve said online, why the fuck are you even messaging me?

Oh, that’s right, it’s because you’re personally disgusted by your own kink and want to deal with your terrible urges with some horrible loathesome pervert you don’t have to talk to or think about when she’s not actively making your dick happy. Then you can run away and pretend to be “normal” until the next time you slink back to one of those awful nasty kinky people.

2 thoughts on “Fail

  1. Goodness. Your post actually reads like it could be a form letter, as if such idiocy has happened to you many times. Sorry, if it has. Unfortunately, many guys interested in BDSM are not here to socialize and grow emotionally like most people.

    • That’s exactly the point I was trying to make. This bullshit happens so often and so reliably that I wrote a form letter to address it, and shared it because the exact same thing happens to every other woman online.

      Plus I thought it would be funny to respond to somebody sending me a form letter with my own form letter. …and I just realized I forgot to call out that particular fail specifically. The last form letter I got mentioned my appearance, which was so irritating given that there are no pictures of me on my profile that I forgot to call out form letters in general.

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